Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

[Thelionguard]

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

OMG! No man could ever be worth this hassle even if he sends you to high heaven in bed!
Also please think about your girls. You possibly cannot let their childhood pass where they feel like unwanted guests for home.
Also why have you agreed to paying for 50% of all expenses? That's so ridiculous and unfair.

Write down all of your contributions to the household. That’s finances, time, energy, housework, mental load, everything.

Present it to him. So how he can ensure you are not doing more than your fare share?

Stop putting in more money, time, energy than you need to for you and your children. Put your children first.

Let things kick off. They need to.

You have been treated badly by your husband and his children, you need to put a stop to this now.

Sorry but I would be walking. The fact that he allows his children like this speaks volumes. Honestly I would be telling him that the kids pay their way and do there own cooking, cleaning, washing etc or else he buys your share of the house out or the house goes on the market.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming. My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

Then he's absolutely NOT doing his fair share, as he's not parenting by making it clear to his children that as part of the household, they need to contribute to it by taking on some of the chores as kids and making a financial contribution as adults.

He should be ashamed of himself that he has two adult children (one of whom also has a partner) in his home who aren't contributing in any way, shape or form and are instead so entitled they watch the two of you work full time and provide all their cooking, cleaning, meals and essentially allow them to operate with no living costs.

As well as being a pisstake expecting you to be OK with it, he's failing to set them up for the real world which is going to be a hell of a shock to them when the time comes. Or, it'll be such a shock they'll stay with you forever and you'll be doing this for years and years more.

I don't think I could be that attracted to someone who is more worried about them liking him in the moment than he is about guiding them to become responsible, self sufficient and capable adults.

I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. For me, this would be a very bad sign for the relationship. You should be able to talk about anything, and approach any problem in the spirit of compromise. When something's bothering you as much as this obviously is (and absolutely should be!!), it's miserable if you're legitimately dreading bringing it up. At this stage I'd be raging that he's refusing to stand up for himself and me, but if you think it's possible that he somehow doesn't know that you mind doing and paying much more than your share, then tell him very clearly right now that it's not OK with you.

It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out. If he's afraid they'll move out, then presumably they can afford to and are able to move out. Wouldn't it be the best thing for everybody if they decided to move out and followed through? Why is he trying to PREVENT it?

In addition to what everyone else has said, I'd seriously consider that the situation in your houshold is setting a terrible example for your girls (and his 15yo). While I'm tempted to agree with the first-step suggestion of splitting up costs and work among the 5 adults and letting your husband handle his 4/5 of it if he won't be sensible, the situation still isn't OK and I think you have to speak up and say you're not willing to live (and have your children live) in a household set up this way. Fair division of costs and labour among the adults and age-appropriate chores for the children would be my red line - as in, this starts right now.

The 21 yo and 26 yo should be working and ALL children should be contributing to household chores. He's playing you for an absolute mug.

OP did it not occur to you that this would happen BEFORE you decided to get serious with this man? Good luck getting his older kids to change.
If I were you I'd grab my 2 kids and run fast.

Except that they bought the house together. Why should she be the one to move out ?

Give him an ultimatum. You bought the house together, so he has as much to lose as you do. Tell him either he makes them pitch in and help, and pay their way, or the relationship is over because he’s perpetuating his childrens’ lazy entitled attitude over your wellbeing.

Tonight cook a meal for you and your DDs. When your OH or any of his DC ask when dinner is say 'Dinner? there's a Tesco down the road' then have nothing more to do with it.

This is madness!

At an absolute minimum I would stop doing food shopping but anyone bar your and your DDs

If your OH is unwilling to ask his children to contribute in any way he needs to pick up the slack and the bill. House hold bills need to be split between 8 people. Cooking/ Cleaning needs to be split between the adults 5 ways, if his kids won't do their share he has to do it.

What was the reason you moved in together?

IMO when there are multiple kids involved it rarely works living together and no matter their ages there is always the risk of them moving back home.

The adults should be working, contributing, doing their fair share and absolutely shouldn’t be having partners coming to live there.

In the kindest way, you have allowed this to happen and you should have put your foot down right from the beginning.

I would sit him down and tell him exactly what you’ve said on here.

Tell him that his eldest children need to get jobs and pay X amount and until they do then he needs to be covering that amount by paying extra.

Tell him that his eldest also need to be doing their share of housework such as X, Y and Z. If they don’t then he needs to be doing those extra chores to cover it.

If the older 2 don’t work then they should be doing ALL of the housework.

Tell him that if things don’t change you will consider moving out and I would stick to that as your life and your childrens lives would be much better living separately.

Oh my goodness. OP this has to stop. You work full time and do all the clearning and cooking for a household of nine?

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

Your OH is a lazy user and you need to ditch him.

Take your girls and go - find a life together where you are not used as a housekeeper, working full time to fund other people's life choices, role-modelling a lousy relationship and domestic and financial slavery.

Think of all the time and energy and money that you could devote to your girls and yourself without this bunch of parasites. Put your little family first.

Got to be honest here...This.

Your girls are only 7 and 10 and you should be able to spend any spare time with them not running yourself ragged looking after OH adult children, and the GF, I mean surely she contributes towards the household chores or does she just expect everything for free to.

Utter madness. If it was your friend telling you this what would you say. What example are you setting your 2 girls.
Can you go away just 3 of you (you and 2 DDs) would be useful reminder of all the stuff you do when it doesn’t get done.
Then when you are back have a frank conversation. It’s not working for you. You are subsiding your boyfriend’s adult children to the detriment of your own.

Be the role model your girls deserve OP.
This isn't it.

If there’s any doubt or you love this dreadful man, date him in your own time. Think of it as- you are robbing your poor kids of time with you, a peaceful happy home, money and resources. Just to keep a man. You owe your kids.

What a bunch of selfish entitled leeches!!!!!!!!!!!!

DH clearly doesn't care about your feelings, so don't consider his. Tell him, this is your home, and his adult children and the GF must either contribute or leave.

Just stop the shopping for and cooking of meals for all. Feed DH, yourself and your little children and tell the adults they must buy for, cook for and clean up after themselves. They are not to help themselves to food bought by you. Stop doing their laundry, don't provide laundry detergent where they can find it.

Write a list of WEEKLY COMMUNAL tasks (wash kitchen floor, clean bathrooms, hoover carpets) and pin it on the kitchen wall. with "ALL take your turn. date it and initial it."

With all your time, energy and money going into babying all of these adults - where do your two girls fit in?

What are they missing out on in this situation? Quality time with you? That needs to be your focus, not bankrolling and waiting on a bunch of adults.

Judgemental much. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a rental let alone buy?
This one is clearly lazy but good grief open your eyes to what has been happening to housing for years now!

Page 6 of replies and every single one either should say or does say “put your children first”. Why aren’t you doing that OP? Can you move out? Where could you go? It must be awful for your girls- spend all your time money and energy finding them a comfortable safe home.

And if any of the adult DC whinges when they realise you are NOT cooking for them sarcastically say 'Oh, I'm sure you can afford a takeaway or a meal out with the money you are earning from your job'

Entirely agree @Clementineorsatsuma - the OP needs to move out with her own children. Job done.

Your OH owes you more consideration.

the ‘children’ 15 years and over need to be contributing - shopping, cooking cleaning daily etc (the 15 year old less so, of course, but at 15 they should still have one big chore a week - like vacuum the house).

You should not be splitting this 50/50. Your OH is not contributing his full share. There’s 3 of you -( your two children and yourself) and there’s 6 of them including the baby. So financially you should be paying about 33% not 50% by my calculation of what’s fair.

But most of all, your young children should not feel like part time guests in their own home. Not sure why they feel that way but it is very unfair on them.

I’m not surprised you feel negatively about it. How are you going to ‘snap out of it’ when each day you are faced with the same old overwhelming chores?

if it was me, I’d put my foot down and tell him I expect more - and I’d be specific about what I think is fair.

if he couldn’t do that I’d have to take my kids and leave. As I would not be feeling that I was being respected.

Take to bed for a week maybe two with some mystery illness. Then they need to cover not only everything you do inc. for you and your children, but also pay for it as you'll be on SSP. Let it all fall on your partner's lap until they sort it out between themselves, or he breaks down and kicks them out.

Once it's established what they're all perfectly capable of or the situation is overwise resolved your illness can pass, but with the warning from your doctor whose still doing tests that it's likely an autoimmune disorder worsened by stress and exhaustion which you now much refrain from.