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Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
Pipps80 · 04/04/2023 00:19

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

LIKE YA
Buahahahahaha

Just no.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 00:19

Just clean around things or do bathroom and kitchen only.

Or just DON'T.

What is going on with this expectation that women randomly take on men's domestic duties?

ClairDeLaLune · 04/04/2023 00:25

You need to read the book Little Miss Helpful. Spoiler: she tries to be but she isn’t. I’d be furious if my partner cleaned my place. Especially if they moved my stuff and shrank my clothes. I’d find it patronising too, like they were telling me I lived in a pigsty. I can do my own chores thanks.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 00:28

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

Are you teasing us?

He hints that he wants you to act as his unpaid domestic staff, so you comply?
And apologise for not being up to Sir's exacting standard?
Because you long to move in with him & wash his dirty pants forevermore?

I was doing it to help us both out.
Doing HIS chores doesn't help YOU out.
You've just admitted that you did it because if you didn't, you'd be moving in to a messy/dirty house next week because he wouldn;t have bothered making it nice for you..
You've completely set yourself up.
Have fun being his servant for the rest of your relationship.

Mari9999 · 04/04/2023 00:29

OP, his saying that he is messy is not necessari wwwly a hint that he wants you to validate that statement.by clearing up his mess. He may have been slightly embarrassed by his mess but on the whole he may not be bothered by his mess.

I think washing someone 's clothes is a dicey proposition at best particularly if you have not discussed how he prefers to have it done. I think his comments were meant to sound appreciative for the intention and at the same time indicate that he would prefer that this not be done again.

Your decision should be can you live comfortably with his level of cleaning and environmental maintenance. If you are vastly different in those areas then you should discuss expectations or continue living apart. You can easily love someone who is messy, but it may not be so fast to live with someone who is messy.

Often times it is not the big things that damage a relationship , but it can be the accumulation of small things that neither party can put aside or get pass.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 00:29

Boomboom22 · 03/04/2023 23:43

Well I take it back if you are moving in! Still need to do the washing right though.

Eh?

This better be a pisstake Boomboom!

Clymene · 04/04/2023 00:29

You are a (presumably) a highly educated woman with a post grad teaching qualification and you're scurrying around cleaning up after a man and his kid and apologising that you haven't done it to his satisfaction?

WTF?

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 00:30

Stop doing it! You're not a house elf!
😂😂😂

Notamum12345577 · 04/04/2023 00:30

Wouldn’t her cleaning his house more likely make him think of her as Wifey material? Apart from her doing it wrong that is 🤣

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 00:32

watcherintherye · 03/04/2023 23:50

I think it was very rude and ungrateful of him. Don't set yourself up like this. He's a grown up, he can do his own domestic drudge.

He would have preferred to, by the sound of it! Why should he be grateful to the op for doing things he never asked her to do, and not in the way he would have done them himself? If the sexes were reversed, I don’t think the general consensus would be that women have to be grateful for however incompetently men perform tasks. Quite the opposite! I most certainly wouldn’t be grateful if someone moved my stuff around against my wishes and did my washing on the wrong temperature. I’d be fuming! I think he was probably being quite restrained.

He hinted that he wanted it done.

OP believes she DID use the correct setting.

Sleepyandconfused · 04/04/2023 00:32

UGH that’s SO fucking rude and I am furious on your behalf! He seems like he’s trying to do a weird version of that ‘negging ’ thing - like when men are unnecessarily critical to women to put them down and make them feel lucky to have their boyfriend as they’re so useless/unattractive/whatever criticism the man chooses. I’d totally dump him. If someone cleaned my house I’d never dream of contacting them with criticisms! It would be nothing but a great deal of thanks! How dare he??!!

Pixiedust1234 · 04/04/2023 00:33

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 00:19

Just clean around things or do bathroom and kitchen only.

Or just DON'T.

What is going on with this expectation that women randomly take on men's domestic duties?

I know I said this but I do agree with you. I didn't finish my sentence of "...if you really feel the compulsion to clean" but couldn't be bothered to do a second post with it in. Seems I was right not to bother considering the drip feed of her moving in next week.

Elllieuk · 04/04/2023 00:34

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Honestly I think he sounds really grateful but also felt he needed to mention the 30 degree thing so tried to do so in the nicest way possible. I wouldn't be offended at all, I think he sounds sweet, honest and grateful, and trying to be tactful about washing at high temperatures which is fair enough. Can't believe so many people are going mad at him he sounds nice.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/04/2023 00:37

Yes he’s a proper charmer. What a prince he is!

ClaraBourne · 04/04/2023 00:38

Is there a pattern here, hence the thread title? Are you too grateful to have him? What's so good about him that you feel this way? Are you scared of losing him, hence the emoj's when you are saying how you feel ?

It isn't healthy dancing around on his command.

Redebs · 04/04/2023 00:38

"Few things I will pick on..." 😳

And who's Bella? And why is her pile moved back? And why does that amuse him?

Also, washing at 40 isn't going to be much different from 30, unless it's wool or delicates, and you'd have spotted them.

RestingRulers · 04/04/2023 00:40

OP, you need to read what you have written and really think about why you think it's a good idea to move in with him.

I imagine your words will come back to haunt you. I hope they don't but don't be surprised.

ScabbyHorse · 04/04/2023 00:40

He comes across as quite rude in the messages I think. And passive aggressive too. It does seem to me like you have a codependent relationship. Are you sure you want to move in if his place is a mess like this? I'm worried he'll take the piss.

Frith2013 · 04/04/2023 00:41

Dont move in with him.

Redebs · 04/04/2023 00:42

And if you're planning on moving in, why isn't HE cleaning his crap?

I'm hearing alarms! 🛑

PousseyNotMoira · 04/04/2023 00:42

Okay, so I thought I remembered you. You’re the ‘birthday sex’ poster. From your other posts, you’ve been with this man less than a year (was there any gap at all after you left your cheating ex or did you jump to the first relationship you could?), think you’re depressed, think he’s controlling, you’re unhappy with your sex life and you two can’t seem to manage a straightforward conversation.

Don’t move in with him. And do some work on your self esteem - books, podcasts, professional support, there’s numerous avenues available.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 04/04/2023 00:42

I would have finished it the second I got to "you done a cracking job" 😂

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 00:43

I honestly don't think this is bad at all with the further context you've provided.

It's like he saw it as a little trial run of when you're living there, hence the feedback, If you're washing my stuff do it at 30 and I'd rather you left my piles where they were.

The 'like ya' sounded off to me but you've explained that.

Can you provide more examples OP? What else do you apologise for?

Pressuretoohigh · 04/04/2023 00:44

From your OP it seems a bit of a stretch to say he was hinting that he wanted you to clean his house!

If I found my partner had tidied up including doing my washing I would have found it really intrusive, plus if you are moving in next week it doesn't seem unreasonable to make the points about temperature for the wash and not organising his stuff for him.

I'd certainly not see the situation as being unable to ever 'please him' and tbh if my partner responded to my request to not shrink my clothes by moaning that I wasnt suitably grateful I'd be pretty pissed off!

mrshenny · 04/04/2023 00:45

I honestly don't see anything wrong with his texts. Seem to be the odd one out. He's not ungrateful he just has certain things he prefers in his home and that's okay. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Imagine if he did your washing on the wrong setting and shrunk your favourite top then had a go at you for not being grateful. He's just mentioning incase you were to do it again.