Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 04/04/2023 03:43

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2023 23:45

Why the hell are you
A - cleaning up his shit
B - apologising

Fuuuuuck that. Doormats aren't attractive!

Stop doing it! You're not a house elf!

Yes, this. Do you really think he'd do that in your place? And dropping hints about you cleaning his home, bloody cheek.

SpareHeirOverThere · 04/04/2023 03:51

Do not move in with this man.

You two do not know how to communicate. You cleaned his house, on your hols, because you thought he had hinted at it.

He was unhappy with the result. He expressed this poorly. You are now taking to Mumsnet to find out how to feel about what he's said.

No two adults should be in this situation.

You should not be cleaning up his mess. Especially if you are about to move in!

You two should not be communicating in hints and guesses and passive aggressive texts.

This is basic, basic stuff.

You will of course move in. Despite the big flashing warning signs.

siucra · 04/04/2023 03:52

Please don’t clean or tidy for any man ever again. Dump this idiot and go and enjoy your holiday. And don’t feel grateful to be in a relationship. You’re the prize. Work on your self esteem.

user1492757084 · 04/04/2023 03:52

You are too sensitive.
It was too nice of you to clean for him.

He was merely stating the things that could ruin his clothes or upset his filing system. Given that he didn't ask you to clean and, thus, gave you no instructions I think his comments are fair enough.
You shouldn't feel that you have to clean for him.
If he is fussy and he obviously cleans to a standard that pleases himself - just leave it tohim and enjoy your holidays.

haXXor · 04/04/2023 04:01

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

Do not move in with this man. End the relationship. The texts where he says "four little things" read like a boss critiquing a subordinate's report, not like messages to a loved peer. He thinks of you as his subordinate. Run like fuck.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/04/2023 04:08

No way would I move in with him.

Sceptre86 · 04/04/2023 04:54

Your standards re boyfriends is low. Someone who is passive aggressive isn't worthy of you. You'll forever be on edge and not sure whether you've done the 'right' thing. Don't move in.

If you do then you'll just learn to accept his behaviour and resentment will build. It's better to be single than with an arse.

Zonder · 04/04/2023 05:12

Don't move in.

I had a bf like this. Nothing was good enough. Every nice thing was followed by a correction - he just couldn't help himself.

What finally ended it for me was the realisation that he would be like this if we had children. I wanted better for any future children of mine than a dad who couldn't compliment them without trying to improve them.

I ditched him and married a kinder man.

thepox · 04/04/2023 05:14

TrishM80 · 04/04/2023 03:37

You could have crossed out the kid's name from the text messages at least.

Clearly a dog

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2023 05:19

Don’t move in unless you want this everytime you do anything in the house

carriedout · 04/04/2023 05:20

AndiOliversFan · 03/04/2023 23:26

I have to admit, though, that I’d find it really intrusive if someone washed my clothes or tidied my house. Even someone I was intimate with.

Same here!

TheWhisker · 04/04/2023 05:26

Please know that you deserve more than this. It reads to me like he's on the verge of being manipulative but maybe that's just me.

Sundayvibes · 04/04/2023 05:30

Not sure id be happy with personal text messages being screen shot and put onto a forum. I find that strange behaviour as well

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 05:31

Hi Op
He sounds extremely immature man child Prick,

Come on
You can do so much better than this one @Doodles29 ,

You be forever cleaning after him,

Imagine looking into future,
You got engaged Married to him, and had a baby 👶, children with him,

Having in your life, as father of your children,

Be like having another child to focus on,

@Doodles29

Do you want to be like a mother figure role in his life for foreseeable future,

Ditched me !

Stay single for a while, and reflect why am I prepared to put up with this kind of ridiculous Shit,

He is taking the piss out of you,

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 05:32

Oops typo mistake I mean ditch him

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 05:35

I agree with ubove poster@TheWhisker comment

I can sense manipulative tendencies too,

MountainChalet · 04/04/2023 05:40

Sounds like he's training you to do his housework. I would think twice before moving in with him. Actually, I would postpone it for a good while to see his true colours (e.g. see if he tries to manipulate you again) and then make a decision.

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 05:42

Ignore the other posters comments, about critiques(being judgemental on you washing techniques in regard of his Skanky clothes for him,

Those Judgemental posters who see themselves as 😇 Perfect Domestic Goddess at their home front Domian)🤣

Need to look at the bigger picture instead of just nit picking,

Motnight · 04/04/2023 05:49

The bigger picture is as per your title, Op.

I don't think that you should be moving in with him whilst you feel this way.

Breakingpoint1961 · 04/04/2023 05:49

Blimey, your response in those texts scream low self esteem!

I'd certainly not be apologising, I'd say, "point taken" and not do it again.

If you're moving in together I'd be wary, think you need to know each other a bit better, as his criticism may wear you down.

Cactusprick · 04/04/2023 05:56

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:27

I should have mentioned that the ‘Like ya’ is a personal joke.

we used to say this to eachother when we were first dating. He does tell me that he loves me, but more in person.

I expect he was probably saying that to lighten the delivery of what he was saying...

No, we get it. We understand 😂
doesn’t stop it being incredibly vomit inducing though. Also 40 doesn’t bloody shrink things, he’s a dick. He could have waited to say these things is a much nicer way in person. Don’t move in & ditch him!

Cactusprick · 04/04/2023 05:57

Breakingpoint1961 · 04/04/2023 05:49

Blimey, your response in those texts scream low self esteem!

I'd certainly not be apologising, I'd say, "point taken" and not do it again.

If you're moving in together I'd be wary, think you need to know each other a bit better, as his criticism may wear you down.

totally agree with all of this

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 05:57

Before you know it,

He will be finding all sorts of potential faults with you,
You will Never be good enough for him in his eyes @Doodles29 ,

It's not you,
That you are not perfect,

Who is perfect Anyway ???

I can see he is almost like training you up to be like he wants you to to be like, perfecting this technique

The question you should be asking yourself is he Really good enough for me @Doodles29 ?

I agree with ubove poster,

Don't move in with him,

Sometimes our hormones /and social Conditioning (Brain washing conditioned as females growing up,

Can seriously Work against us,
Trip us up,emotionally (screw (fxck) our minds up,
So we attract men/people in our lives who sense this,and take advantage of it, to our detrimental ourselves !

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 06:01

I sense too, that you are emotionally Needy, by your Op Thread,
He can i amagine you are Needy this is definitely clouding your emotional instinct massively !

Why is that you are so Needy for this type of Character of male then @Doodles29 ?

Zanatdy · 04/04/2023 06:01

Wow. I don’t think there was any need to pick up on that. Someone did his washing for him, he should be grateful. People questioning why you’re doing his cleaning, it’s a nice thing to do surely for your boyfriend. Certainly didn’t deserve the comments. It would be the last time I did any cleaning for him