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Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
FordCreek · 03/04/2023 23:31

Jeeze why are you apologising that you’re sure it was at 30!

I bet his snide remarks about you having a day off and him having to clean when he got in was him setting you up to do his cleaning really.

he seems passive aggressive with the remarks about tidying up the toys, shame they’re already messed up now hey?!

there’s no way you should be spending a couple of hours of your day off cleaning his place either.

he sounds ungrateful and you’re coming across like a doormat tbh

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:32

What am I reading? You cleaned his house? Wtaf? Why would you do that? You’re not the domestic help and it really won’t make him respect you more or think you’re wifey material.

Holuna · 03/04/2023 23:32

He remembers to thank you only after he’s moaned (and shown a lack of appreciation), thinks it’s piss funny that Bella (dog?) has already ruined your efforts.
He doesn’t appreciate you, treats you like a doormat. He’ll be stipulating exactly what he wants from you, how you can conform to his high standards.
If I were you, I’d walk. You’re not being over sensitive.

cherriestort · 03/04/2023 23:34

Why are you cleaning his house.

I'm sorry, but you are the problem!

AutisticLegoLover · 03/04/2023 23:34

Jeez. What a prince. Immature prick.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:34

And why are you apologising? The clear message is he doesn’t wish you to clean his house. It’s over stepping rhe mark.

Opentooffers · 03/04/2023 23:36

The turn of phrase ' like ya' is enough to give anyone the ick. How long have you been together? Tbh, if don't live together, I'd find someone cleaning while I'm out and going through my stuff without asking a personal invasion. I'd say its quite odd behaviour in fact, there's helping, then there's imposing or having an odd need/urge for it.
Does the machine have memory of the last programme used? Otherwise, how would he know the temperature you washed it on? If it does have set pre used programmes, did you use it and he's fibbing to make a point really that he's uncomfortable with what you did, without saying it,and just turning you off trying it again maybe?

padsi1975 · 03/04/2023 23:37

AndiOliversFan · 03/04/2023 23:24

I think what grates most about this is that he felt the need to give you “feedback” by text. If, instead, he had texted “wow, amazing, thanks so much!” but then casually mentioned next time you were together that it was lovely to have done the washing but please don’t wash over 30 degrees if you ever do it again, that would have been politer.

This. I think it was very rude and ungrateful of him. Don't set yourself up like this. He's a grown up, he can do his own domestic drudge. Start as you mean to go on.

PousseyNotMoira · 03/04/2023 23:38

Seriously, MN makes me despair sometimes. WHO BEHAVES LIKE THIS? Why are you cleaning his house? Has he ever spent two hours cleaning yours? And what the hell are you apologising for?!

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:38

padsi1975 · 03/04/2023 23:37

This. I think it was very rude and ungrateful of him. Don't set yourself up like this. He's a grown up, he can do his own domestic drudge. Start as you mean to go on.

Show quote history

He’s clearly telling her he doesn’t wish her to do this and it’s intrusive. Only the op can explain why she decided to do such a thing. I don’t think he needs to be grateful. I’d be disturbed and annoyed if my boyfriend did this

AnyaMarx · 03/04/2023 23:40

Just reply "ok sorry! I wi t do it again , you can do your own washing and cleaning from now on ! Haha !"

And then really have a think if he's all that .

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:41

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person

next time buy him some brew dog. This isn’t the 1950s. He’s not going to respect you for it op. Far from it.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:41

AnyaMarx · 03/04/2023 23:40

Just reply "ok sorry! I wi t do it again , you can do your own washing and cleaning from now on ! Haha !"

And then really have a think if he's all that .

Please don’t do this, you will look like such a sap.

Original poster
Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 03/04/2023 23:42

It's odd you cleaned his stuff if you don't live there and he was at work. I'd be really pissed off I anyone but my mum or husband touched my washing and tbh prefer my husband to never touch it. Mum's OK as she gets it 🤣

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:43

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

Ok that’s a drip feed. So why are you starting off that you’re moving in as the domestic helP? Or that as he was hinting you needed to crack on and clean his toilet?

Boomboom22 · 03/04/2023 23:43

Well I take it back if you are moving in! Still need to do the washing right though.

NoWayRose · 03/04/2023 23:44

You say that you ‘feel you can’t ever please him’. Has he criticised you for other things then?

MrsDoylesDoily · 03/04/2023 23:44

No I think he's fine to say so if you washed his clothes on the wrong setting OP.

When you move in, steer clear of washing his clothes though. It's completely normal for two people to take care of their own laundry, so start as you mean to go on and you'll both be happy.

Exl · 03/04/2023 23:45

The details don’t matter.

What matters is someone constantly slipping criticism and ‘feedback’ into conversations. I’ve spent decades with someone who can’t say thank you and constantly puts me down then says “it was only a joke”. Everytime I cook a meal he says “Next time, can you <insert patronising correction to my cooking here>…”

Don’t be like me. At the moment you’re in romance and having lots of sex. Trust me when I warn you that the romance fades, the sex becomes much less frequent and much less exciting, but the criticism just goes on and on and on.

I hope you find someone who is happy enough in themselves that they don’t put others down.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2023 23:45

Why the hell are you
A - cleaning up his shit
B - apologising

Fuuuuuck that. Doormats aren't attractive!

Stop doing it! You're not a house elf!

Nolosomi · 03/04/2023 23:46

He’s super direct isn’t he! I would not be impressed that a) he hinted at you doing it then b) pulled you up on things he didn’t like. He should be on his knees thanking you ffs. He sounds controlling OP. I don’t do anything for any man like this, they generally don’t deserve it & this one really doesn’t!!

Mycathatesmecuddling · 03/04/2023 23:46

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

Well he gave you your first performance review as his future service human, now have a think about whether you want his criticising you more regularly

AndiOliversFan · 03/04/2023 23:47

If you feel like you can’t ever please him now, this is only going to get worse. Run, run now before you get sucked into a gaslighting coercive controlling relationship.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:48

Nolosomi · 03/04/2023 23:46

He’s super direct isn’t he! I would not be impressed that a) he hinted at you doing it then b) pulled you up on things he didn’t like. He should be on his knees thanking you ffs. He sounds controlling OP. I don’t do anything for any man like this, they generally don’t deserve it & this one really doesn’t!!

Honestly my toes curled reading this, on his knees thanking her for the creepy behaviour of cleaning his house and washing his clothes before she even lives there. I don’t think so.

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