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Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
cosmiccosmos · 03/04/2023 23:49

Sorry but I'm struggling to get past you spending 2 hours cleaning his place. Would he do this for you? Does he do your laundry?

Honestly you've got a full on job and on your day off your cleaning, nuts!

KaleFairy · 03/04/2023 23:50

What an asshole. My husband does the laundry because its my least favorite chore, I have never one time criticized the way he does it, because I am grateful to him and I'm not a petty bitch. Equally, he never criticizes my cooking.

Also, if you're sure you left it on 30 do you think he's gaslighting you? He couldn't just be thankful and had to have some reason to put you on the back foot so he made something up? Beware someone who is always trying to make you feel like you owe them an apology, especially after you've just done something nice.

MrsDoylesDoily · 03/04/2023 23:50

Nolosomi · 03/04/2023 23:46

He’s super direct isn’t he! I would not be impressed that a) he hinted at you doing it then b) pulled you up on things he didn’t like. He should be on his knees thanking you ffs. He sounds controlling OP. I don’t do anything for any man like this, they generally don’t deserve it & this one really doesn’t!!

On his knees?

Bit of an overreaction don't you think? 😂

I've be annoyed with my DH if he risked shrinking my clothes, so I think he's been very polite.

The OP just needs to leave him to it though.

watcherintherye · 03/04/2023 23:50

I think it was very rude and ungrateful of him. Don't set yourself up like this. He's a grown up, he can do his own domestic drudge.

He would have preferred to, by the sound of it! Why should he be grateful to the op for doing things he never asked her to do, and not in the way he would have done them himself? If the sexes were reversed, I don’t think the general consensus would be that women have to be grateful for however incompetently men perform tasks. Quite the opposite! I most certainly wouldn’t be grateful if someone moved my stuff around against my wishes and did my washing on the wrong temperature. I’d be fuming! I think he was probably being quite restrained.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 03/04/2023 23:51

OP I think there's a child's name in one of those texts in case you didn't know

NoWayRose · 03/04/2023 23:51

There’s a line in ‘Good Luck to You, Leo Grande’ where the Emma Thompson retired character laments her long marriage to a man who ‘she thought would jump out of his coffin to tell me I’d put the wrong ham in the sandwiches’. Stuck with me.

These things don’t get better.

cherriestort · 03/04/2023 23:52

Now I've read your update that you are moving in, but he sons off his texts "like ya" .... ummm that really isn't cool unless that's an in-joke?

It's never ever too late to change your mind.

MrsDoylesDoily · 03/04/2023 23:53

I've been on MN for over 13 years and I've lost count of the amount of threads where DH's have washed and shrunk an OP's outfit.

The consensus is generally "Why should she be grateful that he's washed and fucked up her clothes?" "He should pay for what he ruined" etc.

I know the OP didn't ruin his clothes but she could've done, and that's all that he was pointing out.

She says she 'thought' he was hinting for her to do his laundry. Well maybe he wasn't and even if he was, the OP shouldn't have bothered.

MrsDoylesDoily · 03/04/2023 23:54

cherriestort · 03/04/2023 23:52

Now I've read your update that you are moving in, but he sons off his texts "like ya" .... ummm that really isn't cool unless that's an in-joke?

It's never ever too late to change your mind.

Read the OP's posts, she says it is and in-joke.

Plus she's really not asking about that is she?

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:57

MrsDoylesDoily · 03/04/2023 23:53

I've been on MN for over 13 years and I've lost count of the amount of threads where DH's have washed and shrunk an OP's outfit.

The consensus is generally "Why should she be grateful that he's washed and fucked up her clothes?" "He should pay for what he ruined" etc.

I know the OP didn't ruin his clothes but she could've done, and that's all that he was pointing out.

She says she 'thought' he was hinting for her to do his laundry. Well maybe he wasn't and even if he was, the OP shouldn't have bothered.

Totally agree and it’s seen a weird and creepy behaviour. He’s very obviously not happy she did it, and he very obviously wasn’t hinting either, just stating a fact. He’s now pissed she did.

and if the genders were reversed the comments would be very different, as you’ve pointed out, but good old sexism Is alive and well it seems.

ClaudiaCustard · 03/04/2023 23:58

This has got disaster written all over it

You're clearly trying to please him and in doing so, you're going overboard.

Honestly, why bother spending 2 hours of your precious break cleaning his stuff? You're just being a bit of a martyr

I get you're trying to be nice but honestly, you're just laying yourself wide open here to being a mug

Re think the moving in. And if you do move in (you will), have a decent plan in place to hop back out again if needs be

AintNobodyHateMeBetter · 04/04/2023 00:00

BabychamGlass · 03/04/2023 23:28

He texts like a hun.

My vaginal opening shrank to pinhead size when I got to 'lil'

Yeah, not sure the OP asked about your vaginal opening...thanks for the update though.

ClaudiaCustard · 04/04/2023 00:01

And you're doing that thing that some women do. You're adding laughing emojis and kisses into every single message - it sort of dilutes what you're trying to get across. Instead of properly telling him you're hurt,'you're shoving an incongruous 😂 at the end of it

Deathbyfluffy · 04/04/2023 00:01

cherriestort · 03/04/2023 23:52

Now I've read your update that you are moving in, but he sons off his texts "like ya" .... ummm that really isn't cool unless that's an in-joke?

It's never ever too late to change your mind.

The OP clarified in another reply that it is indeed an in joke

FullBloom · 04/04/2023 00:04

Littlethingsmeanalot · 03/04/2023 23:57

Totally agree and it’s seen a weird and creepy behaviour. He’s very obviously not happy she did it, and he very obviously wasn’t hinting either, just stating a fact. He’s now pissed she did.

and if the genders were reversed the comments would be very different, as you’ve pointed out, but good old sexism Is alive and well it seems.

Show quote history

Absolutely. Also threads almost daily about mothers or MILs turning up and doing unrequested cleaning- it’s generally taken to be a intrusive, insulting and disrespectful of your boundaries. It’s odd that OP did it and it’s clear from his response that he wasn’t pleased. I think he’s been quite diplomatic.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/04/2023 00:05

Stop doing his chores. It’s unnecessary and a bit servile. No one likes a martyr

PousseyNotMoira · 04/04/2023 00:06

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it.

He was hinting you should clean his house, do you did? Lawdhamercy. Multiple people have asked - has he ever cleaned your house?!

How long have you been in a relationship with this man who expects you to clean up after him? Why are you moving in with someone who apparently can’t keep his home tidy, lets washing up grow to mountains and expects you to dirt it out?

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

How does cleaning up after him help you ‘both out’? And why are you talking about him helping you move in like it’s comparable?

OP, I’m very sorry but you’re sounding like a bit of a doormat.

SirTarquin · 04/04/2023 00:07

The problem with this is not that he has raised a fair issue about 30 or 40 for the washing. It is this text

Few things I will pick on but hey

This is probably why you feel so shitty because it's the wording of it. A FEW things that he will PICK ON. I mean what is this - your school report?

It suggests an very unhealthy dynamic where he is marking your work as not up to his standard. It also completely undermines any thanks that have gone before

A normal kind hearted person faced with someone who'd done something nice for them but had a fair comment (please don't wash my stuff on 30 as it will shrink) would know that the way to deal with that is later and face to face -precisely so that you don't hurt or make your partner feel shitty by lobbing criticism right back at them.

I think he sounds like an arse hole and probably a controlling one. If it's making you feel bad, that's not good.

MelsMoneyTree · 04/04/2023 00:11

I wouldn't move in with him. He gave heavy hints he wanted you to clean but didn't ask outright so he then had space to complain about it, if you did it. You're sure you did the washing on 30 but he's complaining it was 40.
He's already let the pet mess up the toys (that you took time to tidy). And he's complaining about you moving items. These aren't the words of a man ready to share his space with a partner. He's making it very obvious that you can't ever bend over enough to please him and that he sees the house as his space not a shared one even though you're supposed to be moving in next week.

CaptainMarvelle · 04/04/2023 00:11

He’s horrible and i would seriously rethink moving in with him.

TheOtherBennetSister · 04/04/2023 00:12

OP it's your behaviour and communication that needs to change here. You need to think more of yourself. You've tried to do a nice thing, got it wrong, apologised and are hurt that he's told you off. You have every right to be pissed off with him here, but instead of hinting that you'd like him to treat you with respect you need to woman up and stop apologising for existing. You seem to want to engineer a dynamic that puts him in charge and you in the wrong, and then you're upset that he doesn't think enough of you to change the dynamic. He's not a prince. He's a self-entitled man who thinks he's on to a good thing.

You say: I always end up apologising when I try to do you a favour.
You mean: Please appreciate me and what I do for you.
He hears: Sorry I got it wrong again. I'll try harder next time.

Think really really hard about this dynamic and whether you want to live it for the next 20 years.

SecretSwirrel · 04/04/2023 00:13

OP you’re totally missing the point here. Why the hell are you playing wifey and doing his washing and laundry???

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/04/2023 00:14

Don’t move in together. Maintain 2 flats and really have an honest think
Take some more time. Do you want to marry him?Have kids? If so really talk that through,finances,expectations, division of chores etc

Hedgehog6 · 04/04/2023 00:14

Why are you trying to ‘please him’. I know you say he was joking when he said that you would be having a lazy day but do you think that within yourself you felt a bit guilty about being seen as lazy. Yes his replies aren’t great but he is being direct and communicating clearly how he feels. I don’t think you are clearly communicating how you feel. Don’t do things for him to make him like you. Have some self respect, love yourself and then he will ‘love yah’ too (you’ll know then if he’s worth sticking around for) 💐

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 00:17

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

I think you need to unpick this whole statement.
You can be a giving person without appointing yourself as somebody's skivvy.
Why on earth did you sacrifice 2 hours of your lovely day off on doing his chores for him?