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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 05/04/2023 09:33

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:13

@PousseyNotMoira
I said in my response that the spider thing was weird but that it could make sense if he had a phobia (as someone on that thread suggested).

So on a whole, no I can't tell who's wrong.
And I normally think it's very very clear that the man is 😂

If he has a phobia, it makes sense to not let her get rid of the spider and insist they keep it in the house? If he was scared it would somehow come back into the house, he’d want it killed or something, no? Not left in the house (that he’s scared it’ll come back into) for a month, in a glass, so in plain view.

And she’s had to live with this for a month, as she’s been forbidden to deal with it and told he’ll get cross if she doesn’t do as she’s been told.

If it’s not clear to you that he’s wrong in that situation, and that she’s being treated poorly, then it seems you’re very very determined for it not to be clear.

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 10:50

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

But why not hint back to him he needs to tidy before you move in? How does clearing his stuff help you?

If you tidy and clear up his washing he will expect you to do it all the time. That’s probably why he’s got asked you to move in anyway.,

callmeblondee · 05/04/2023 12:48

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:25

Perform weird rites? such as?

I'm sure many people with spider phobias have kept spiders trapped under glasses to die and left them there for a long time.

Show quote history

The fact that you think that is fkng weird, like yea massively phobic of something so let me keep it in the kitchen in a glass for me to watch it die every day for a week....

callmeblondee · 05/04/2023 12:49

I honestly have a feeling like the OG is never gonna leave this horrible freak of a bloke and will then be one of those ones that literally moans to all her mates every month (and on here) about how terrible he is yet she has agency to leave, no kids, not married, has parents to live with etc. I can whiff it a mile off. Low self esteem in bucket loads.

hayfeveragain · 05/04/2023 13:18

The OP has gone and is no longer reading this thread I fear. I really really hope she doesn't have children with this man. She lives with her parents and has good savings. She should feel free to ditch him and go for better!

OP, if you are still reading - you are the architect of your own life!

cadink · 05/04/2023 13:23

He sounds awful ungrateful git. It won't be the first time if you're posting it on here. Get well rid you derive better he will only keep doing it

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 13:27

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 10:50

But why not hint back to him he needs to tidy before you move in? How does clearing his stuff help you?

If you tidy and clear up his washing he will expect you to do it all the time. That’s probably why he’s got asked you to move in anyway.,

Show quote history

Of course it bloody is.

And to replace the lodger in terms of making his life cheaper to run.

This joker has zero respect for OP.

I hope she stays with her parents & dumps him, but suspect she'll be back here in a few months. asking how she needs to abase herself next in order to please him.

Antiquiteas · 05/04/2023 13:33

hayfeveragain · 05/04/2023 13:18

The OP has gone and is no longer reading this thread I fear. I really really hope she doesn't have children with this man. She lives with her parents and has good savings. She should feel free to ditch him and go for better!

OP, if you are still reading - you are the architect of your own life!

There’ll be a new thread shortly about the latest awful controlling thing he does.

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 15:15

PousseyNotMoira · 05/04/2023 09:33

If he has a phobia, it makes sense to not let her get rid of the spider and insist they keep it in the house? If he was scared it would somehow come back into the house, he’d want it killed or something, no? Not left in the house (that he’s scared it’ll come back into) for a month, in a glass, so in plain view.

And she’s had to live with this for a month, as she’s been forbidden to deal with it and told he’ll get cross if she doesn’t do as she’s been told.

If it’s not clear to you that he’s wrong in that situation, and that she’s being treated poorly, then it seems you’re very very determined for it not to be clear.

Show quote history

COULD make sense, not 'makes' sense. People with phobias do not all behave the same way so no I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility for how someone with a phobia could act, because some people do cover them with glasses and leave them to die.

If it’s not clear to you that he’s wrong in that situation, and that she’s being treated poorly, then it seems you’re very very determined for it not to be clear.

That's manipulative. Don't do that. It's so immature.

I read all the posts and no it's not clear, I see red flags in the OP too.

Original poster
Doodles29 · 05/04/2023 15:33

Thank you everyone.

I completely agree that due to past relationships and bullying in secondary school, my self esteem is at an all time low.

I seem to be attracted to people who hurt my feelings.

All I want to do is catch a break. All I’ve ever wanted is a happy family of my own. All of my friends are settling down and happy.

Life just never goes my way.

OP posts:
userfred · 05/04/2023 15:44

Doodles29 · 05/04/2023 15:33

Thank you everyone.

I completely agree that due to past relationships and bullying in secondary school, my self esteem is at an all time low.

I seem to be attracted to people who hurt my feelings.

All I want to do is catch a break. All I’ve ever wanted is a happy family of my own. All of my friends are settling down and happy.

Life just never goes my way.

The thing is op - you can't meet someone and explain her everything to change. Change needs to come from you. You need to work on your self esteem and confidence. Find your self worth. A relationship won't change anything.

Because you have low self esteem, your bar is set low. Find your worth and raise it. It's scary but you can do it.

Have you ever had therapy before?

Karma2023 · 05/04/2023 16:01

@Doodles29 There is an element of luck to meeting a decent kind person however if you have poor boundaries you may allow unsuitable people into your life.

The people I know who are in good relationships have a high bar and don't tolerate being devalued. Can you look back and see the red flags you missed or did you tolerate behaviour that we now realise you shouldn't have accepted?

Original poster
Doodles29 · 05/04/2023 16:01

@userfred that makes a lot of sense.

i think because my self esteem isn’t there, I gravitate to dominant people perhaps? I’m just so confused and I feel like time is ticking in terms of settling down.

I am also aware that nobody is perfect, and the physical chemistry is there, which is why I tend to ignore the red flags.

im due to start therapy next week actually x

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles29 · 05/04/2023 16:05

@Karma2023 thank you for your response. Maybe - I had a bad gut feeling but put that down to me being hurt in the the past.

8 year relationship, house, settled, cheated on and life turned upside down.

OP posts:
callmeblondee · 05/04/2023 16:07

Doodles29 · 05/04/2023 16:01

@userfred that makes a lot of sense.

i think because my self esteem isn’t there, I gravitate to dominant people perhaps? I’m just so confused and I feel like time is ticking in terms of settling down.

I am also aware that nobody is perfect, and the physical chemistry is there, which is why I tend to ignore the red flags.

im due to start therapy next week actually x

@Doodles29 I am eally glad you're going to therapy because I think it will help. Do not make the mistake of trying to settle down with men cause you want a marriage and family (like everyone else). When you talk to women who are older and have been through divorce you will find that a lot of us did exactly that, the social pressure to "settle down" being such an enourmous weight.

Take some time out to find yourself and enjoy your life with your self so that you can make some informed solid choices about relationships, not force things and bend over backwards to make people love you.
I really hope you get away from this man who is just a bit of a controlling weirdo and really take some time for youself.

Theos · 05/04/2023 16:07

Please don’t move in

callmeblondee · 05/04/2023 16:09

Karma2023 · 05/04/2023 16:01

@Doodles29 There is an element of luck to meeting a decent kind person however if you have poor boundaries you may allow unsuitable people into your life.

The people I know who are in good relationships have a high bar and don't tolerate being devalued. Can you look back and see the red flags you missed or did you tolerate behaviour that we now realise you shouldn't have accepted?

exactly this - and I think we have all done it! I certainly have. Only whenI look back I think WOW, no way did I chase after this person! Red flags everwhere as I ignored them all!

SchoolTripDrama · 05/04/2023 16:16

HowRatherGolly · 03/04/2023 23:18

The rext at the end "like ya" is enough for me to go naw thanks, and yeah he is out of order btw

What's wrong with "Like ya?" it's just a way of showing affection before you reach the stage of saying I love you 🙄

Some people.....🤦🏼‍♀️

SchoolTripDrama · 05/04/2023 16:17

AndiOliversFan · 03/04/2023 23:21

I’d dump him for spelling little as “lil”.

Hmm Wow

SchoolTripDrama · 05/04/2023 16:19

FordCreek · 03/04/2023 23:31

Jeeze why are you apologising that you’re sure it was at 30!

I bet his snide remarks about you having a day off and him having to clean when he got in was him setting you up to do his cleaning really.

he seems passive aggressive with the remarks about tidying up the toys, shame they’re already messed up now hey?!

there’s no way you should be spending a couple of hours of your day off cleaning his place either.

he sounds ungrateful and you’re coming across like a doormat tbh

I expect you'd be demanding an apology if your partner washed your clothes on the wrong setting and risked ruining them but of course, no, you must never have need to apologise Hmm

callmeblondee · 05/04/2023 16:24

SchoolTripDrama · 05/04/2023 16:16

What's wrong with "Like ya?" it's just a way of showing affection before you reach the stage of saying I love you 🙄

Some people.....🤦🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Nah thats not it. I would rather my partner didnt say "like ya" - who even says "like ya" in that way. It is a play on "love ya" but the OP obviously hasnt passed the test. he knows exactly what he is doing.

SchoolTripDrama · 05/04/2023 16:28

@callmeblondee OP has clearly stated MULTIPLE times that it's part of an I. Joke between them Hmm

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/04/2023 16:32

OP has clearly stated MULTIPLE times that it's part of an I. Joke between them

But he makes other "jokes" that aren't real jokes but lightly veiled hints and digs. So what makes this one different?

WarmButteryCrumpets · 05/04/2023 16:42

I already think he's a twat for acting like your Easter holiday was somehow slacking off. You've earned that holiday!

And yes I think him saying he was going to clean, then mentioning you having free time, was probably a hint that you could be getting on with it for him.

He sounds thoroughly dislikeable.

ConstanceOcean · 05/04/2023 17:03

Have you ended the relationship now OP?