Page 17 | Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

Doodles29 · 2023-04-03T22:14:39+00:00

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays. He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke). His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place. He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached. Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him. it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Appleabananasandpears · 05/04/2023 17:11

Hard to judge on those messages below whether your partner’s a general ass, I can possibly see both sides. However if this is just the latest incident in a long line of misunderstandings and passive aggressiveness I would be saying fuck that.

callmeblondee · 05/04/2023 17:50

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/04/2023 16:32

OP has clearly stated MULTIPLE times that it's part of an I. Joke between them

But he makes other "jokes" that aren't real jokes but lightly veiled hints and digs. So what makes this one different?

Exactly - I had a partner who would do "jokes" like that, looking back I realise he just wasnt that into me and made me work hard to win any kind of affection with no intention of ever it going anwhere - this has just given me the massive ick and shudder at the same time.

haXXor · 05/04/2023 18:26

Carlycat · 05/04/2023 01:26

Anyone that leaves a sentient creature to slowly die under a glass is a psychopath in the making. What a fucking creep

@Doodles29 Carly is correct. Torturing animals is a strong sign of psychopathy. A man who tortures animals will move on to hurting people. Men have killed children by locking them in rooms, denying them food etc, and have intimidated the woman in the household into not intervening to protect the child. He's already intimidated you into complicity with his torture of a spider. What will he intimidate you into next?

You should LEAVE HIM NOW for your own and your future children's safety.

PousseyNotMoira · 05/04/2023 19:32

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 15:15

COULD make sense, not 'makes' sense. People with phobias do not all behave the same way so no I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility for how someone with a phobia could act, because some people do cover them with glasses and leave them to die.

If it’s not clear to you that he’s wrong in that situation, and that she’s being treated poorly, then it seems you’re very very determined for it not to be clear.

That's manipulative. Don't do that. It's so immature.

I read all the posts and no it's not clear, I see red flags in the OP too.

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If you’re grasping for things that ‘could’ make sense, however unlikely, as opposed to just going for the most likely option, then that merely backs up my previous point. It’s not clear to you that he’s at fault because it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that X mitigating factor might be at play? You genuinely think that’s a reasonable balanced statement of someone approaching a situation without bias? As it’s not.

Calling me manipulative and or immature (which is both of those things on your part) doesn’t change that.

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 20:27

PousseyNotMoira · 05/04/2023 19:32

If you’re grasping for things that ‘could’ make sense, however unlikely, as opposed to just going for the most likely option, then that merely backs up my previous point. It’s not clear to you that he’s at fault because it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that X mitigating factor might be at play? You genuinely think that’s a reasonable balanced statement of someone approaching a situation without bias? As it’s not.

Calling me manipulative and or immature (which is both of those things on your part) doesn’t change that.

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I'm not grasping for things at all. I'm not reaching for some 1 in a billion possibility so there's no need to fixate on a phrase that I used. It's not even rare at all for people to cover spiders with glasses and leave them until they die.

As I have said, I read all of the OPs posts. She has red flags too. I don't see anything wrong in these particular texts, and in the other thread where she posted texts it was her that came across badly.
So I am torn, I don't know if the OP is interpreting things wrong, that could be because he's playing mind games, but it might not be.

But it's clear that it's not a healthy relationship for the OP whether he's doing something wrong or whether it's her or whether it's the combination of the 2 of them.

Calling me manipulative and or immature (which is both of those things on your part) doesn’t change that.

Sorry but what is this bullshit. Just stop. You don't agree with my opinion so you're trying to tell me I'm determined to not see it like it is, no. This is genuinely how I see it. I am unsure about what's going on.

matis · 05/04/2023 20:34

I think once you get to the stage of posting text messages on mumsnet you should be ending it.

PousseyNotMoira · 05/04/2023 23:10

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 20:27

I'm not grasping for things at all. I'm not reaching for some 1 in a billion possibility so there's no need to fixate on a phrase that I used. It's not even rare at all for people to cover spiders with glasses and leave them until they die.

As I have said, I read all of the OPs posts. She has red flags too. I don't see anything wrong in these particular texts, and in the other thread where she posted texts it was her that came across badly.
So I am torn, I don't know if the OP is interpreting things wrong, that could be because he's playing mind games, but it might not be.

But it's clear that it's not a healthy relationship for the OP whether he's doing something wrong or whether it's her or whether it's the combination of the 2 of them.

Calling me manipulative and or immature (which is both of those things on your part) doesn’t change that.

Sorry but what is this bullshit. Just stop. You don't agree with my opinion so you're trying to tell me I'm determined to not see it like it is, no. This is genuinely how I see it. I am unsure about what's going on.

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If something is not beyond the realms of possibility, said thing isn’t very likely. Words mean things.

You don’t sound particularly torn. And, no, pointing out your bias isn’t bullshit. You’re claiming that my doing so is ‘manipulative and immature’ certainly is, but I think you’re too deep in your woman blaming equivocation to see that. How about you take your own advice and just stop.

Moser85 · 06/04/2023 00:26

PousseyNotMoira · 05/04/2023 23:10

If something is not beyond the realms of possibility, said thing isn’t very likely. Words mean things.

You don’t sound particularly torn. And, no, pointing out your bias isn’t bullshit. You’re claiming that my doing so is ‘manipulative and immature’ certainly is, but I think you’re too deep in your woman blaming equivocation to see that. How about you take your own advice and just stop.

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That's not how I meant it. I meant that it's possible.

Also, seeing as you're being pedantic...Collins dictionary says "You can say 'It is not beyond the realms of possibility' or 'It is not beyond the bounds of possibility' when you are stating something that you believe is possibly true, but which other people might consider unlikely or impossible."

It seemed clear you thought it was unlikely. I very much thought it was possible. So I used the phrase correctly. Words do mean things, you're right 😂

And I am torn.
As I said up further I almost always think the man is to blame 😂so pointing out 'my bias' is ridiculous because my bias is towards men being the ones to blame the vast majority of the time.
You don't like my opinion so you're trying to manipulate me into feeling bad for sharing my opinion by trying to make out I'm trying to see what I want to see and that I'm biased against women.

You seriously need to get over yourself.

2023a · 06/04/2023 00:41

Moser85 · 06/04/2023 00:26

That's not how I meant it. I meant that it's possible.

Also, seeing as you're being pedantic...Collins dictionary says "You can say 'It is not beyond the realms of possibility' or 'It is not beyond the bounds of possibility' when you are stating something that you believe is possibly true, but which other people might consider unlikely or impossible."

It seemed clear you thought it was unlikely. I very much thought it was possible. So I used the phrase correctly. Words do mean things, you're right 😂

And I am torn.
As I said up further I almost always think the man is to blame 😂so pointing out 'my bias' is ridiculous because my bias is towards men being the ones to blame the vast majority of the time.
You don't like my opinion so you're trying to manipulate me into feeling bad for sharing my opinion by trying to make out I'm trying to see what I want to see and that I'm biased against women.

You seriously need to get over yourself.

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Saying you don’t know if he’s being a bullying arse because it’s not impossible he was doing it because of a phobia comes across as very biased.
Whether or not he was doing it because of a phobia, it’s still a shitty thing for her to deal with. His motivation does not affect its impact.
Saying that your bias is usually towards men doesn’t make it true. The things you’re saying on this thread make it seem pretty unlikely, tbh
People disagreeing with you and pointing out inconsistencies in what you’re saying aren’t ‘manipulating’ you. Stop being silly.

Moser85 · 06/04/2023 03:14

2023a · 06/04/2023 00:41

Saying you don’t know if he’s being a bullying arse because it’s not impossible he was doing it because of a phobia comes across as very biased.
Whether or not he was doing it because of a phobia, it’s still a shitty thing for her to deal with. His motivation does not affect its impact.
Saying that your bias is usually towards men doesn’t make it true. The things you’re saying on this thread make it seem pretty unlikely, tbh
People disagreeing with you and pointing out inconsistencies in what you’re saying aren’t ‘manipulating’ you. Stop being silly.

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Nope I said I don't know if he's a bullying arse because I read all of the threads and it's very unclear. In some of them it's OP who comes off as being wrong.

I think I know what my own biases are 😂I can 100% hold my hands up and say that my bias is that men are generally the assholes in relationships, and most of the time if I hear about a woman being an asshole I think it was the mans fault 😂Very occasionally I see it as potentially being the other way and this is one of those times.

As I said in my first response on this thread, before all of the criticism. I don't find it clear at all, it could be him subtlety doing all those things, it could be her, or there could be a pair of them in it. They certainly should not be together either way.

I have no issue with someone disagreeing. There are no inconsistencies.
But it IS manipulation to try to tell someone that they're only saying something because they're trying to see it that way, it's implying I have some kind of weird agenda and trying to shame me into shutting up or taking back my opinion .

haXXor · 06/04/2023 05:42

Doodles29 · 05/04/2023 16:01

@userfred that makes a lot of sense.

i think because my self esteem isn’t there, I gravitate to dominant people perhaps? I’m just so confused and I feel like time is ticking in terms of settling down.

I am also aware that nobody is perfect, and the physical chemistry is there, which is why I tend to ignore the red flags.

im due to start therapy next week actually x

I feel like time is ticking in terms of settling down

By "settling down", you mean "have a bf or husband"? You don't have to have a partner to have a good life. With your £100k, you could have a flat outright or most of a small house (at least where I live), no partner required. I live alone and feel no need to marry, and I'm well into my 40s.

Certainly, "settling down" shouldn't mean "settling for less than you deserve". Take a hint from Mariah Carey, 🎵 I'd rather be alone than unhappy 🎵

SquidwardBound · 06/04/2023 06:09

The best way to ensure that your ‘time runs out’ is to spend it in the wrong relationship just because you’re scared you’ll end up alone.

It’s much better to recognise that a relationship is not for you - and feeling that you can never do anything right and always have to apologise no matter what you do is a clear sign that this relationship does not work for you - and move on.

2023a · 06/04/2023 10:22

Moser85 · 06/04/2023 03:14

Nope I said I don't know if he's a bullying arse because I read all of the threads and it's very unclear. In some of them it's OP who comes off as being wrong.

I think I know what my own biases are 😂I can 100% hold my hands up and say that my bias is that men are generally the assholes in relationships, and most of the time if I hear about a woman being an asshole I think it was the mans fault 😂Very occasionally I see it as potentially being the other way and this is one of those times.

As I said in my first response on this thread, before all of the criticism. I don't find it clear at all, it could be him subtlety doing all those things, it could be her, or there could be a pair of them in it. They certainly should not be together either way.

I have no issue with someone disagreeing. There are no inconsistencies.
But it IS manipulation to try to tell someone that they're only saying something because they're trying to see it that way, it's implying I have some kind of weird agenda and trying to shame me into shutting up or taking back my opinion .

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All addressed, so not repeating myself. My only real comment on that wall of unnecessary text is to encourage you (and your persecution complex) to embrace brevity.

nurserymumma · 06/04/2023 13:47

OMG please can those two PP's pick fights elsewhere. Stop arguing and support the OP. This is her thread.

OP- great news you are starting therapy! This is a great opportunity to say to your bf that you have decided to put the move on hold, while you embark on therapy and take time out to work on yourself. If he truly loves you he'll be happy to wait. But I suspect if you commit to therapy the scales will soon fall from your eyes and you'll realise you are worth so much more than this relationship.

How old are you OP? Wondering where the urge to "settle" comes from.

Marchintospring · 06/04/2023 14:21

Thing is Op the moment you say to him “ I’m not moving in, it’s too big a step” or even better “ I think the relationships run its course” watch how quickly he treats you better.
Bet you any money he becomes the kinder, more attentive boyfriend you want.

Having your boundaries firmly in place doesn’t put people off. It just makes sure you don’t get hurt either intentionally or otherwise.

Moser85 · 06/04/2023 15:21

2023a · 06/04/2023 10:22

All addressed, so not repeating myself. My only real comment on that wall of unnecessary text is to encourage you (and your persecution complex) to embrace brevity.

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You don't even know how to use the words bias or complex correctly 😂

TheCentreSlide · 06/04/2023 19:06

I haven’t read what the beef is between you two but the phrase ‘persecution complex’ is a common one?

Moser85 · 06/04/2023 19:58

@TheCentreSlide

Absolutely. But this was a one off thread when I said another poster was trying to manipulate me into shutting up. I've never said it before so there's no complex.

Marchintospring · 06/04/2023 20:33

@TheCentreSlide Oh blimey don’t encourage them.

You are allowed to disagree on the advice. Up to the Op to go with what makes sense to them.

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2023 08:53

LunaNorth · 03/04/2023 23:25

‘Like ya’?

He deserves to get in the sea just for that.

I’m surprised as a teacher you would accept ‘you done a cracking job’ as acceptable English. That would be a sackable offence from me!!!

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 07/04/2023 09:00

Those passive aggressive emojis slating me after washing his filthy pants 10 degrees too high. Ew yuck!
Just no. Run!