Page 15 | Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

Doodles29 · 2023-04-03T22:14:39+00:00

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays. He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke). His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place. He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached. Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him. it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:25

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 01:18

Phobias don't make people perform weird rites & give animals uncomfortable & unnecessary deaths.

Arachnophobes don't mount the spiders they fear under glass on windowsills.

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Perform weird rites? such as?

I'm sure many people with spider phobias have kept spiders trapped under glasses to die and left them there for a long time.

Carlycat · 05/04/2023 01:26

Anyone that leaves a sentient creature to slowly die under a glass is a psychopath in the making. What a fucking creep

Boomboom22 · 05/04/2023 01:28

Few points. On other threads and this one op is not really clear with him. He does sound controlling. When people say different that she's moving in they mean because otherwise its off to mess with his stuff but if she is moving in then less odd to clean, not invasive. Not that she should be his skinny!

Boomboom22 · 05/04/2023 01:29

Skivvy

monsteramunch · 05/04/2023 01:29

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:13

@PousseyNotMoira
I said in my response that the spider thing was weird but that it could make sense if he had a phobia (as someone on that thread suggested).

So on a whole, no I can't tell who's wrong.
And I normally think it's very very clear that the man is 😂

That wasn't his reason though was it?

He was clear about his reason.

It was 'not to go against what he had asked.'

Boomboom22 · 05/04/2023 01:29

Mn really need to sort this out, so hard to post! Jumping and gaps. Can't tag or at people. Ffs!

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:31

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:25

Perform weird rites? such as?

I'm sure many people with spider phobias have kept spiders trapped under glasses to die and left them there for a long time.

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A person with a spider phobia trapping a spider under a see through container and leaving it there for ages is the equivalent of a claustrophobic person trapping themself in a small space even though they dont need to

Honestly knowing I am in the same room as a spider makes me physically uncomfortable and unable to concentrate. Spiders have to be trapped under a mug, not a see through glass and taken outside immediately and that's from someone making a real effort to get past the phobia.

Boomboom22 · 05/04/2023 01:31

Also as a teacher I can't believe op didn't tell him off when he said go against what he asked! Er I make the rules thank you! Is he a lot older than you op?

retrosteamband · 05/04/2023 01:31

I hate the way he types, and the excessive emoji. That would give me the ick. I don’t like how you’ve almost pandered to him moaning by asking him to elaborate so you can explain yourself. Instead I would have shut that 2nd message down immediately with “do it yourself next time then”. I wouldn’t get into petty tit for tat justifications. Nothing about these messages makes him seem endearing. Only ungrateful.

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:31

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:24

As someone with a spider phobia I cannot imagine anything worse than living with one on display for ages, never mind banning someone from moving it

This isn't a phobia, this is bizzare controlling behaviour

he says he will be cross with me if I do as I will go against what he has asked.

This, this sentence right here, if you can't see thats a red flag then Im not sure what you think a red flag would be.

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Someone on the thread also suggested that maybe he feared that if she released outside that it would come back in. Phobias are irrational and people can behave in all sorts of weird ways so I don't think it's outside the realms of possibility at all that someone with a phobia could do tat.

It's possibly a red flag but I see red flags in OP too which is why I said I'm not sure what's going on. He could be subtlety behaving in all sorts of weird ways to make her feel this way, or a lot of it could be down to her.

Boomboom22 · 05/04/2023 01:33

Yes op has sent some manipulative messages, as has he. Maybe just toxic both sides.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:35

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:31

Someone on the thread also suggested that maybe he feared that if she released outside that it would come back in. Phobias are irrational and people can behave in all sorts of weird ways so I don't think it's outside the realms of possibility at all that someone with a phobia could do tat.

It's possibly a red flag but I see red flags in OP too which is why I said I'm not sure what's going on. He could be subtlety behaving in all sorts of weird ways to make her feel this way, or a lot of it could be down to her.

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Would you be comfortable living with someone who said they would be cross if you moved a dead spider because you would be going against what they asked? Really? You may need to raise your bar

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:39

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:31

A person with a spider phobia trapping a spider under a see through container and leaving it there for ages is the equivalent of a claustrophobic person trapping themself in a small space even though they dont need to

Honestly knowing I am in the same room as a spider makes me physically uncomfortable and unable to concentrate. Spiders have to be trapped under a mug, not a see through glass and taken outside immediately and that's from someone making a real effort to get past the phobia.

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It's definitely not the same equivalent because plenty of people do it. Just googled and it seems many many people have done it and want to know when it's going to die.

I've only ever caught spiders in a glass/jar (to be released outside).

I would imagine that some with a phobia also use a glass as they want to be able to make sure it's still trapped and hasn't escaped (going by the numerous questions I've just seen saying they trapped a spider under a glass and is there any chance it could escape).

Not everyone with a spider phobia is going to act the same way.

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:41

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:35

Would you be comfortable living with someone who said they would be cross if you moved a dead spider because you would be going against what they asked? Really? You may need to raise your bar

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No but I also wouldn't be comfortable living with someone who goes on the way OP appears to either.

My bar is extremely high. It's just for this one particular poster, having read ALL of her numerous posts over the past few months it is not clear at all what's actually going on.

Just because I do not agree with you on this thread that doesn't say anything about where my bar is.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:45

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:39

It's definitely not the same equivalent because plenty of people do it. Just googled and it seems many many people have done it and want to know when it's going to die.

I've only ever caught spiders in a glass/jar (to be released outside).

I would imagine that some with a phobia also use a glass as they want to be able to make sure it's still trapped and hasn't escaped (going by the numerous questions I've just seen saying they trapped a spider under a glass and is there any chance it could escape).

Not everyone with a spider phobia is going to act the same way.

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No, but you are imagining what someone with a spider phobia will do to fit your narrative that what this man said was okay. I'm telling you as someone with a spider phobia how that would make me feel.

I'm not sure your 'imagination' of a phobia is somehow more relevant than my actual experience

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:46

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:41

No but I also wouldn't be comfortable living with someone who goes on the way OP appears to either.

My bar is extremely high. It's just for this one particular poster, having read ALL of her numerous posts over the past few months it is not clear at all what's actually going on.

Just because I do not agree with you on this thread that doesn't say anything about where my bar is.

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If you could just point to where the OP threatened her other half like he threatened her?

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:48

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:46

If you could just point to where the OP threatened her other half like he threatened her?

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From the no birthday sex thread -

When met with arguments in our relationship, I often get mad or threaten to leave.

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:51

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:45

No, but you are imagining what someone with a spider phobia will do to fit your narrative that what this man said was okay. I'm telling you as someone with a spider phobia how that would make me feel.

I'm not sure your 'imagination' of a phobia is somehow more relevant than my actual experience

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Yes and you are just one person with a spider phobia, and your experience is valid and accepted. But that does not mean that you speak for every single person with a spider phobia so I'm not going to apply your behaviour to everyone with a spider phobia and say it's B.S unless they behave like you do 😂

Mooshamoo · 05/04/2023 02:22

Sometimes cleaning isn't helpful.

A friend stayed with me. She decided to clean a room while she was there. I found it offensive. She also moved things that I didn't want moved. Don't clean unless asked to is my advice

NewtoHolland · 05/04/2023 02:58

His communication is passive aggressive and weird.

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 03:14

NewtoHolland · 05/04/2023 02:58

His communication is passive aggressive and weird.

All of their communication seems weird going by the other threads.
In the other one where OP posted the texts the OP came off as extremely passive aggressive.
There's a thread about a sex video they made and the conversation between them was odd too, although that one was probably understandable due to the subject matter.

Groovychick91 · 05/04/2023 07:24

Sorry but I would be really annoyed if someone took it upon themselves to wash my clothes at 40 degrees, it could make them shrink!

Sisisimone · 05/04/2023 07:57

What on earth is wrong with you OP?

Thread after thread after thread after thread asking advice about this awful man and clearly shite relationship.

Just stop pissing around and leave. You'd be an absolute fool to move in with him.

5128gap · 05/04/2023 08:17

In case you hadn't realised OP, there are some people who haunt these boards with the sole aim of defending men's behaviour and persuading women they should tolerate it. They argue against all logic that unacceptable behaviour has a reasonable explanation, the spider incident being a good example. They are not posting to help you, they are posting in a misguided attempt to defend men.
It doesn't matter if they think his behaviour is OK. Nor really if others don't. You're the one living with it. You've clearly got multiple concerns. So ask yourself, are you happy to put these aside and live in accordance with this man's 'wishes' always worrying that you might put a foot wrong? It sounds a very stressful way to live to me that won't do your wellbeing or self esteem much good in the long run. It also won't get better, because as soon as you learn to comply with one set of expectations, he'll have another.

Justmeandthedog1 · 05/04/2023 08:57

Walk away. Now. And keep walking.
This is exactly how my ex-h started. He resented me being a teacher and having “ long holidays” ( with no lesson planning, prep or report writing of course!!) Sniped over little things.
Stupidly I didn’t walk away and married him. There followed 4 years of utter misery, abuse and he nearly bankrupted me.
Walk.