Page 14 | Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

Doodles29 · 2023-04-03T22:14:39+00:00

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays. He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke). His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place. He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached. Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him. it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/04/2023 19:18

DannyZukosSmile · 03/04/2023 23:21

Why on earth did you spend 2 hours cleaning HIS place?

Fuck that!

This. You are bonkers. Sorry

Happygirl79 · 04/04/2023 19:36

You are being a doormat. He sounds really horrible. Surely you realise you can do better?

Blippisballs · 04/04/2023 20:32

Oh dear god, here we go again, people banging on about red flags because a guy tried to gently tell his girlfriend to leave his stuff alone whilst still being appreciative that she tried to do a nice thing. I'd find it invasive too if someone cleaned my house without asking.

He's allowed to be uncomfortable with it, he's allowed to tell her that, and he tried to do it as nicely as possible by the looks of things.

Men can't do anything right on mumsnet. If they're not perfect then every little thing is a red flag and you need to LTB. It's absolutely ridiculous. Nobody's perfect, women included, we all say or do things sometimes that are unintentionally upsetting to someone. If you flipped this round then I'm sure that'd be a red flag too for a boyfriend going through his girlfriend's stuff!

And I say all that as a woman.

nurserymumma · 04/04/2023 20:40

@Blippisballs read the OP's previous threads and then tell us if you stand by that opinion.

DannyZukosSmile · 04/04/2023 21:10

Oh dear @Blippisballs has been well gaslighted! Da poor iccle menz being picked on. Awww bless. 😭

userfred · 04/04/2023 21:17

Blippisballs · 04/04/2023 20:32

Oh dear god, here we go again, people banging on about red flags because a guy tried to gently tell his girlfriend to leave his stuff alone whilst still being appreciative that she tried to do a nice thing. I'd find it invasive too if someone cleaned my house without asking.

He's allowed to be uncomfortable with it, he's allowed to tell her that, and he tried to do it as nicely as possible by the looks of things.

Men can't do anything right on mumsnet. If they're not perfect then every little thing is a red flag and you need to LTB. It's absolutely ridiculous. Nobody's perfect, women included, we all say or do things sometimes that are unintentionally upsetting to someone. If you flipped this round then I'm sure that'd be a red flag too for a boyfriend going through his girlfriend's stuff!

And I say all that as a woman.

Can you honestly not see it?

He knew she was going to clean. He probably would of be annoyed if she didn't. So the op did it because of the snarky remark he made that she had the day off. There was absolutely no need to even mention the few things that irritated him.

And I wouldn't be surprise the the op washed the clothes at 30c all along.

Read the other threads. There are definite warning signs of the beginnings of a controlling relationship. Op is not at ease round him so regardless they are a completely mismatched

iamenough2023 · 04/04/2023 21:40

You are moving in with him!?! Oh, god, I was going to tell you not to clean after him, but now that you are moving in... Well, this may be one off and he may not continue doing it, but it is more likely he will. My ex was like this, no matter what I did, how much I worked, he would always find something I did not do right to point it out. Unbelievable! Like, I would make a bread and instead of being happy for it and grateful, he would ask why I made a bread when we had some old leftovers, stuff like that. Drove me absolutely crazy with this shit and all with a smile on his face, like he is being nice. Mind you, I stayed with him over twenty five years and this was not the only thing that bothered me, but boy do I feel so much happier now, without his ungrateful ass around.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 21:51

You are moving in with him!?! Oh, god, I was going to tell you not to clean after him, but now that you are moving in..

Worrying volume of PP acting shocked about the cleaning, then saying it's FINE if you are moving in.
Like cohabitation blights women's rights to expect her partner to do half the fucking drudge chores himself, because she now owes him domestic servitude for shacking up with her.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 04/04/2023 21:55

Blippisballs · 04/04/2023 20:32

Oh dear god, here we go again, people banging on about red flags because a guy tried to gently tell his girlfriend to leave his stuff alone whilst still being appreciative that she tried to do a nice thing. I'd find it invasive too if someone cleaned my house without asking.

He's allowed to be uncomfortable with it, he's allowed to tell her that, and he tried to do it as nicely as possible by the looks of things.

Men can't do anything right on mumsnet. If they're not perfect then every little thing is a red flag and you need to LTB. It's absolutely ridiculous. Nobody's perfect, women included, we all say or do things sometimes that are unintentionally upsetting to someone. If you flipped this round then I'm sure that'd be a red flag too for a boyfriend going through his girlfriend's stuff!

And I say all that as a woman.

He implied she was lazy and hinted at her to clean the house and then moaned she didn't do it right

He also demands sex on his birthday, but doesn't have sex on hers, expects sexual acts from her he doesn't return, expects her mum to look after his dog, and expects the OP to ferry his mum around and makes it her problem if his mum needs something

The man may as well wear a red t-shirt because he's a walking flag at this stage

Raychelle · 04/04/2023 22:06

”like ya” gave me the ick!

DannyZukosSmile · 04/04/2023 22:08

Raychelle · 04/04/2023 22:06

”like ya” gave me the ick!

It's quite repugnant isn't it?

Marchintospring · 04/04/2023 22:09

Do not move in with him.
It will not bring you closer.
It will not make you “ more of a couple”
It will not make him love you more.

Your future man needs to be running round after you. He needs to be ringing you worried you’re going to find someone better unless he sorts his house/ life/ job out. You’re already on board. He’s not.
Pull back. Say you like it how it is now and then go off and have a fun Easter with your friends. You aren’t a houseshare to get through a cost of living crisis.

ivegotthisyeah · 04/04/2023 22:23

I think l everyone is over thinking this!! OP 💯 over thinking I am funny with washing he was nice thanked you but just telling you he likes it on 30 and then the reply's 😂😎 everyone is different and everyone is over thinking this!

Cappuccino17 · 04/04/2023 23:53

Make your own decision, go with your gut. People on here try to break marriages over trivial matters that can be resolved with a mature conversation between man and wife. If you genuinely don't feel happy in your relationship or your gut tells you something then follow that.
There is nothing wrong with cleaning an apartment for your partner, if roles were switched the man would be a hero for cleaning his gfs apartment. It's ludicrous. Double standards!

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 00:01

nurserymumma · 04/04/2023 20:40

@Blippisballs read the OP's previous threads and then tell us if you stand by that opinion.

I'm not the person you were responding to but I read all her threads and wrote my opinion earlier in the thread.

I really don't think it's clear AT ALL who's in the wrong in the relationship, could be him, could be her, could be a pair of them in it

fruitbrewhaha · 05/04/2023 00:08

I’d be pissed off that I had to bloody clean someone else’s house. It must have been a mess if you felt compelled to clean it.

monsteramunch · 05/04/2023 00:17

Mate, read back over the many threads you've made about this still relatively new relationships.

It's not meant to be this hard.

You're not meant to second guess yourself constantly.

A healthy relationship makes you happy and relaxed, not anxious and confused.

This weirdo banned you from disposing a spider he killed as you doing so would be 'going against his wishes'.

Come on now, you're young, you have amazing savings. Please, please don't waste your late 20s and god forbid your 30s on him.

Especially if you want children at some point.

This relationship is so unhealthy and it absolutely doesn't allow you to be your best self.

monsteramunch · 05/04/2023 00:20

Blippisballs · 04/04/2023 20:32

Oh dear god, here we go again, people banging on about red flags because a guy tried to gently tell his girlfriend to leave his stuff alone whilst still being appreciative that she tried to do a nice thing. I'd find it invasive too if someone cleaned my house without asking.

He's allowed to be uncomfortable with it, he's allowed to tell her that, and he tried to do it as nicely as possible by the looks of things.

Men can't do anything right on mumsnet. If they're not perfect then every little thing is a red flag and you need to LTB. It's absolutely ridiculous. Nobody's perfect, women included, we all say or do things sometimes that are unintentionally upsetting to someone. If you flipped this round then I'm sure that'd be a red flag too for a boyfriend going through his girlfriend's stuff!

And I say all that as a woman.

Did you read the spider thread?

I mean... this is not the behaviour of a healthy individual.

One weekend we found a spider in the kitchen and kept trying to catch it but it would run away. He then caught it, trapped it under a glass and put it on the window ledge. I tried to put the spider outside but he told me not to. The spider in the glass has been sat there now for a month. I have tried on a couple of occasions to get rid of it, but he says he will be cross with me if I do as I will go against what he has asked.

PousseyNotMoira · 05/04/2023 00:59

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 00:01

I'm not the person you were responding to but I read all her threads and wrote my opinion earlier in the thread.

I really don't think it's clear AT ALL who's in the wrong in the relationship, could be him, could be her, could be a pair of them in it

Show quote history

One weekend we found a spider in the kitchen and kept trying to catch it but it would run away. He then caught it, trapped it under a glass and put it on the window ledge. I tried to put the spider outside but he told me not to. The spider in the glass has been sat there now for a month. I have tried on a couple of occasions to get rid of it, but he says he will be cross with me if I do as I will go against what he has asked.

You don’t think it’s clear who is in the wrong there? Really?

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:13

@PousseyNotMoira
I said in my response that the spider thing was weird but that it could make sense if he had a phobia (as someone on that thread suggested).

So on a whole, no I can't tell who's wrong.
And I normally think it's very very clear that the man is 😂

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 01:16

The spider thing is weird enough to make any well-adjusted woman ditch this loser.

What's worse is he trapped the spider, presumably alive ... then left it to die of starvation/asphyxiation under a glass. I don't care what anyone feels about spider (bit irrationally scared myself) but that is plain unnecessary cruelty. Sadism, really.

OP - how did you let this happen?
Why did you need his permission to release a spider, & allow him to give it this tortuous death?

Are you aware of the link between wilful cruelty to animals & sociopathy? Of how many boys who really enjoy harming animals grow up to harm people?
This man is already harming you, You are in thrall to him, he threatens you with "anger" if you don't obey some weird fucking insect ritual, & you are constantly trying to appease him by ingratiating yourself & never expressing your true feelings.

Stay with your folks, keep saving, buy your own place.
Your older self will thank you.

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 01:16

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you've put the washing on at the wrong temperature? It was said in a nice way?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 01:18

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:13

@PousseyNotMoira
I said in my response that the spider thing was weird but that it could make sense if he had a phobia (as someone on that thread suggested).

So on a whole, no I can't tell who's wrong.
And I normally think it's very very clear that the man is 😂

Phobias don't make people perform weird rites & give animals uncomfortable & unnecessary deaths.

Arachnophobes don't mount the spiders they fear under glass on windowsills.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 01:20

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 01:16

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you've put the washing on at the wrong temperature? It was said in a nice way?

There is when you are making it up to undermine somebody with.
OP is convinced she used the 30 degree cycle.

And how can you think he said so in a nice way? As many PP rightly observed, it was condescending, negging, & couched in terms of a performance review.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 05/04/2023 01:24

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 01:13

@PousseyNotMoira
I said in my response that the spider thing was weird but that it could make sense if he had a phobia (as someone on that thread suggested).

So on a whole, no I can't tell who's wrong.
And I normally think it's very very clear that the man is 😂

As someone with a spider phobia I cannot imagine anything worse than living with one on display for ages, never mind banning someone from moving it

This isn't a phobia, this is bizzare controlling behaviour

he says he will be cross with me if I do as I will go against what he has asked.

This, this sentence right here, if you can't see thats a red flag then Im not sure what you think a red flag would be.