My life is an utter mess

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

Don’t worry about social services. They will see that you are being a protective parent and probably have very little interest tbh.

Have you applied for a non molesation order. They are free?

I think we are talking through all options next week. They can help me change locks and everything. Possibly I’ve overreacted by I can only take so much 😞

Go OP.

You will be fine. Enjoy some sunshine today. Life is worth living now that you’ll have him out of your life.

You have absolutely not overreacted.

I had SS involved as they contacted me as my abusive ex's previous partner had contacted them and they literally just paid me a few visits over 6 months to check I had everything in place to keep myself and my son safe.

There is nothing like a little police involvement and social services to keep these men at bay. He'll think twice about harassing you once he's had a chat with the police. If you get a NMO and he breaks it he will end himself up in court.

It's to keep you and your son safe.

It also gives you peace of mind in case he starts up anytime in the future.

Try not to panic. I remember feeling overwhelmed too when SS called me but it really was the best outcome.

My son is 13 now but we often recount certain things that my ex did (it wasn't his dad) and realise what warped man he really was. So glad it's all behind us. My son can spot manipulative behaviour a mile off now so it's actually been a life lesson, for us both.

Stay strong. You'll get through this.

I can’t see me ever getting into another relationship. I would rather be alone forever.

You are making this harder for yourself. Stop.

You don’t need to worry about anything like that at all.

Desk with each day and be kind to yourself.

Life works out when you take care of yourself. Xxx

i tell you what drove me to go back…the stupid loneliness I sometimes felt on my childfree weekends..now I realise I should have invested that time in seeing friends and family and forging new friendships and activities…or even just valuing that time to myself. I think I’ve got it all wrong literally from 20 to 35 I was with my ex husband then not really much gap and then into this relationship. I can’t understand why I’ve spent so much time thinking it was better to be in a relationship or comparing myself to others 😞😞I feel so sad and weak

I can’t understand why I’ve spent so much time thinking it was better to be in a relationship or comparing myself to others 😞😞I feel so sad and weak

Why are you spending so much time now on thinking about this? If you're looking back and wishing you had spent your time differently, what will happen when you look back at now? Will you be glad you spent your time telling yourself that your feelings were stupid, or is there something you could better spend your time on? Something you'll look back on and think 'I'm glad I did that. It was good for me. It helped me, it moved me forward towards a better situation for myself, towards being more content'?

You didn't do anything differently to millions of other people.

But now that you've had this realisation you'll know how to spend your future time, what to focus on to make yourself strong again and have a good, productive life.

This is a rollercoaster. I wake up feeling slightly more optimistic, then I remember what I need to do this week, then the awful realisation about how I’ve been treated by this excuse of a man, then I just hear that voice echoing in my head that I’m useless and crap…how do you forget the vile things that narcissists say to you??? Please any advice would be so much appreciated ❤️

And I feel so bloody angry, I feel so furious that he’ll be back on Insta sleazing over women half his age, thinking he’s something special when he’s in his 50s, feel so bloody angry that I’ve been left with this awful aftermath and that I have to do something this week so horrible and he gets away Scot free.

Firstly narcs are desperados that need other people. It takes quite a while for them to trap someone into that position again. A lot of people have a bullshit sensor and he won’t get even a chance. He’s not getting away Scot’s free he literally has the most awful personality and no insight and he will go in to make sake blunders. You have an opportunity to reflect and learn and grow. You have a blessing he has nothing but a debilitating condition.

Thank you. I’m finding it hard not to feel like I’m worthless and will just be alone forever. These idiots are so good at getting in your head, objectively I know I have so much more than him. He has no real friends, no real family..he tried to make me believe I had nothing!

Also my irrational side wants to go on all his and his families social media and trash them but then I’m as bad as him. It’s just so frustrating that he presents himself as this nice caring social worker dad of the year type and underneath it all he’s a verbally abusive bastard who thinks nothing of being physically and emotionally abusive. I’m so angry. I’m so so angry 😡

Don’t be angry. It’s time to celebrate 🎉 ditching this dude. His own family probably hates him, he’s got no social skills to make friends, the mask does not last long. Good riddance and don’t waste ur time on this time waster. Anyone needing to elevate themselves at the expense of another is sick sick sickety sick. You never had to do that. That’s yr best revenge knowing how fucked up he is and there is no cure. That’s his default he brings into anything he goes into.

And you need to block him in all socials, that’s another was of him controlling what you see. Just get away from that dreeb’s life story.

You are all so right, I suppose I’m just looking for answers where there will never be any, I’ve been treated like crap and that’s hard to deal with..

You're right, it is hard to deal with.

There's nothing quite like giving your all to someone and then being shat on by that person. The incredible thing is, they think they are Mr Wonderful and can't believe you are at all upset about being shat on, because, ' what about the ...... I did for you?'.

The last thing my ex said to me as I was ending it was ' I love you, can't you see that you stupid cunt'.

It beautifully summed up the entire problem.

He just heard pips after that.

I was angry, sad, ashamed, gutted, felt like an absolute idiot. I've told no-one the whole story. I'm too ashamed. Some of the things he did and said to me and about my friends and family were absolutely abhorrent. I put up with it because I thought he was just under a lot of stress.

The last straw was overhearing him on the phone to his mum. He spoke to her like scum. He'd been lovely to her for 3 years in front of me but I wondered why she always seemed held back in our company. In that moment I knew why.

There were literally hundreds of red flags but because of lockdown and having no-one as a second/third pair of eyes and ears on our relationship - I absorbed every red flag and thought they were just stress, me being mistaken, me being oversensitive/hormonal.

(trigger warning for next part)

All I know is that the ONLY answer is to get out, get away, get far away, and put as many obstacles between you and them as possible - be that blocking, changing routines, notifying authorities. I've even changed my car so he can't spot whether I'm in or out. It's a fucking nightmare and yet somehow I feel like it's all my fault - my fault that I believed a man could be this kind, generous, sensitive, intelligent, loving and giving. Within 6 months of lockdown he had elbowed me, brandished a hammer at me, held my throat, trapped me, restrained me, accused me of fancying his 10 yr old son (wtaf??!), called me a bitch/cunt/deranged/psycho.

It's a fucking minefield out there.

But we will be ok. We will, because they are the one with the problem, all we did was want a good life and someone to share it with.

He never shouted at me though, never actually hit me. It was all so much more insidious than that. Undermining me a lot, making jokes about me with his kids, saying other people fancied him, saying I was 'in a mood', making jibes about my cooking. It was like death by a thousand papercuts. I wish more women knew about this type of abuse. I really wish I'd known.

Sorry @Inamess2022 - didn't man to hijack with my own story. I've just never said it to anyone IRL. I still can't believe it myself.

How are you doing?

Oh trythisforsize I’m so very very sorry you had to go through that awful experience ❤️ I can really relate to so much of what you have said. I’m sending lots of solidarity xx I’m bearing up, I know what needs to be done..I feel foolish but I’m trying to focus hard on my son, friends and family and see the good that is around me. I like you haven’t told everyone absolutely everything that happened as like you I couldn’t believe it had all actually occurred. I still can’t.

It's just a raw deal, but I know we're not the only one's, and I know I've only had a taste of it as 3 years isn't much and we never lived together (though he tried to move himself in) and we didn't have children. So I feel I had a lucky escape.

I really want you to be an escapee too. Even though my friends and family don't know about any of the abuse they have still been a source of strength for me especially as they know the real me - not the horrible made up me that he tried to have me believe I was to suit his own needs. Just being with other people is healing enough so spend as much time with other people as you can.

It's also just nice being in a calm, safe house, just me and my son and films and chocolate and other creature comforts.

I'm really rooting for you! Summer is coming, you can start your driving lessons again, plan a small trip or two with your boy. Just have fun, that's what this year should have in store for you. Not fear and worry - just fun and home comforts xxx

Do not bear yourself up. You hoped he'd changed. He hasn't.

It sounds as if the pregnancy may not be viable. Even if it is your responsibility is to your child and you. I know you'd like another baby but this isn't the time or the man.

No one speaks to you like that! You've forgotten what an amazing person you are. He only loathes you because you know who he is.

Abusers have to go younger because they can get away with it. And what man in his 50s says things like "my mum doesn't like you". He needs to grow up!

I'm so happy for you to have your job, your own home and your son!

Thank you everyone so much. I feel slightly stronger, I know what needs to be done via the pregnancy, I’m not progressing and I hope it can be resolved by end of this week. I hope that doesn’t make me sound harsh but I truly cannot think of anything worse than being attached to him in any capacity for at least the next 18 years. There is no way he wouldn’t make my life difficult. I know there is better out there for my son and I, I really feel that I am going to steer way clear of relationships for a long while and get myself properly back on track.