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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is an utter mess

300 replies

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 06/04/2023 18:51

If you are worried have a chat to the non-emergency police line. What he is saying via email is abusive. If it comes to it you can report it officially and have an NMO put on him to stop him coming anywhere near you or contacting you. It might put your mind at ease. The call to the non-emergency line won't start anything happening but it will be logged which is useful if you decide you want to take it further.

Blocking my ex and not responding to his final few emails was the best way to remove him from my life.
I felt uneasy for the first 6 months because I thought blocking him might provoke him but luckily it didn't. If it had I'd have been on the phone to the police.

You are regaining control of this situation. Stay strong. Life will be good again before you know it.

trythisforsize · 06/04/2023 18:55

Just saw your last post that he's tried to contact you again.

Block every number he tries to contact you on - he'll soon run out of options. Just don't reply to any of them. Or if you do just say - Please do not contact me again. If you continue to harass me I will call the police. Then leave it.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 18:59

To be honest I just want this whole nightmare over with, I can’t wait to get this mess done and dusted. It’s put me off men for life 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 19:00

I have massive trust issues and my anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Mendholeai · 06/04/2023 19:22

Why are you insulting yourself. Objectively, you can see how terrible he has been to you. Stand up and fight.

  1. by not internalising the vile words he says
  2. by believing you deserve better
  3. by blocking him and moving on
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 19:36

I think I’m in danger of spiralling a bit, I do feel very anxious and just scared of what I have to do next week (the pain and what I will potentially see) and also the future beyond that. I’m trying to catch myself but silly thoughts are building…like what if I have another relationship (after a long period of time single) and it’s another disaster like this..what if I’m treated badly again..is there something wrong with me to be treated like this 😢😢😢 what if I’m alone forever..ugh I hate this, I hate the way my brain works sometimes, and I’m so sorry kind mumsnetters for spilling all my stuff out here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 19:43

I’m scared. I’m so bloody scared of doing it at home, I’ve been down this road before many many years ago, I didn’t think I’d be here again at all 😞. I look at my gorgeous son and think all I do is let him down 😞

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 06/04/2023 19:44

Try not to panic. You aren't spiralling. You are thinking about the future and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Try to just think of today. You are safe. Your child is safe. Have a relaxing evening, watch some TV. Try not to second guess what might happen next year or the year after.

You are safe. Just think about today.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 20:04

I’ve just had a small panic attack, some people bring babies into unsuitable situations and they cope..I feel so bloody weak and pathetic

OP posts:
GoodChat · 06/04/2023 20:06

Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 19:43

I’m scared. I’m so bloody scared of doing it at home, I’ve been down this road before many many years ago, I didn’t think I’d be here again at all 😞. I look at my gorgeous son and think all I do is let him down 😞

You're not letting him down. He's at the forefront of your mind with everything you're doing.

GoodChat · 06/04/2023 20:08

Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 20:04

I’ve just had a small panic attack, some people bring babies into unsuitable situations and they cope..I feel so bloody weak and pathetic

Is it fair on a baby for you to just 'cope' though? Is it fair on you or your DS to always having to have your ex in your lives?

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just want to remind you why you wanted to terminate. You don't seem like the kind of person to want a baby you can't give the best possible life to.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 20:19

I know for sure I don’t want to go ahead with this pregnancy, there are so so many reasons why it would be wrong, but I suppose I’m just scared of the alternative as well and how how guilty I’ll feel afterwards.. this is truly awful I just want my life back

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 06/04/2023 20:41

Don't feel guilty - by the sounds of things you will have saved yourself and your family from a lifetime of abuse. Who knows how bad it could have got. You could have scarred your son for life putting him through it. You may have ended up having a full breakdown or dead.

For certain this won't be a pleasant few weeks but you can make it easier by being less harsh on yourself. This way you well get yours AND your 7yr olds life back.

Stop thinking what if / why me and start thinking about your wonderful gift of a son and what an amazing lifetime adventure you can have together. I'm doing that and I absolutely wouldn't have it any other way. I sleep soundly, I have no anxiety any more, I do what I want, eat what I want, see who I want, when I want.

It's great. You'll get there again.

Sittwritt · 06/04/2023 22:02

Poor sweetheart I feel for you. At this stage it’s not going to be anything visible so don’t get yourself worked up about it. You have to get yourself out of this situation if abuse and seriously don’t give it a second thought. It’s an absolute no brainer.

You mentioned that you seem to attract similar types and what’s wrong with you etc. Boundaries. That’s part of the problem. The ability to tell others to fuck off if they treat you in an undeserving manner. I always insist on boundaries massively they really matter to me. I tell narcs to go fuck themselves but in a fashion such as ‘I don’t deserve to listen to this do sure keep in talking whilst I figure out how to block you on WhatsApp’.

If you need help keep posting and MNs are a good bunch on recalibrating your boundaries with men especially, you can really grow and call them out on their bullshit. It’s called growing up and we all need to do more growing at any age etc. It’s good for us in all capacities. See it as growth not a deficiency.

Sittwritt · 06/04/2023 22:04

Opportunity for growth is a massive thing. It keeps life exciting and keeps us focused. You can help your friends in a certain capacity and they stretch you in other ways. Here you have lots of friends so tell that ex of your to fuck right off when he brings you down but do it properly. BLOCK 4eva. Nothing like it.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 22:42

Thanks again everyone for everything. Currently alternating between feeling scared, upset and everything in between to optimistic and semi hopeful for the future.

OP posts:
Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 06/04/2023 22:48

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:13

I had such hope for myself and my son, I was going to start to learn to drive next month, had money saved for a car, we have been potentially offered brand new social housing in a lovely cooperative scheme..I’m working and I provide for him the best that I can..and now it feels like all of that optimism is crashing down around me. All I see is that I’m a weak, pathetic woman that can’t get it right when it comes to relationships. I was scared to be “alone” but I so wish I had stuck to my guns and stayed strong last year and I wouldn’t be in this mess now 😞

  1. you are not a weak pathetic woman

  2. I know this because you know damn well to being a child into this mix would be catastrophic. A termination is not always an “easy”option, and you are strong because you are prepared to do something thats not easy

  3. There is absolutely never ever ever anything wrong with termination. Ever! It is your choice.

  4. I think you are doing the right thing. I think a little bit of therapy may help as well for you to come to terms with what this man has put you through. I’d seek some counselling or group work through a DV charity.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 06/04/2023 23:00

Thank you x I am definitely seeking more specific therapy as I do definitively feel some residual trauma from this relationship

OP posts:
Lovingmynewbicycle · 07/04/2023 01:26

Look up Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
It's available as a free pdf online.
It might help you understand what he did to you and give you the tools to avoid similarly abusive men in future.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 07/04/2023 14:47

Today has been weird, I’m out with my son and my friend and her son , it’s almost like normal/fun/nice and then it hits me oh I’m actually pregnant and I have to deal with a bloody mess ahead

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 07/04/2023 14:51

You won't be pregnant for long. You're making the right choice for your situation and you and your son will go from strength to strength. This is your low point, but your future looks bright.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 07/04/2023 16:31

I really really hope so…I have lots of hope for the future , I just don’t want to feel guilty for the rest of my life

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 07/04/2023 16:39

Then don't. You can choose how you feel about it. Don't entertain thinking of feeling guilty. Feel empowered, feel strong, feel like you have improved your life for yourself and your son.
Honestly - choose it!

Pashazade · 07/04/2023 16:40

OP just to reassure you, well I hope this is reassuring, I naturally miscarried at 9 weeks. It was painful, like a really bad period and at worst a couple of big clots so there wasn't anything to see. I was fine after a couple of days. Spent a lot of time on the sofa with a hot water bottle and a good friend who got me through as my partner was out of the country unfortunately. I've never carried massive grief about it (for me it was a sadness at the time but obviously not meant to be). But I just wanted to try and let you know that the actual process wasn't too scary or unmanageable. Big hugs, I do think it is the right decision for you and your son. You can get away from your ex and if you wobble come back and read all the supportive posts on here. FlowersFlowers

SunshineOceanAndOranges · 07/04/2023 19:10

That email shows what a messed up narcissistic crazy bastard he is. Utterly unhinged. No one in their right mind sends such vileness to anyone. So rest assured OP you sound perfectly fine to me. You have been incredibly resilient putting up with him- but just because you're strong enough to put up with an extreme level of crap doesn't mean you should! Set yourself free. Now.