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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is an utter mess

300 replies

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 07/04/2023 19:26

that email was truly one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me I was shocked..I think you get to points where you detach from the badness and kind of get used to it. But I’m looking back and the clarity I now have is very clear and it’s just so obvious that he is a toxic person for me.

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Original poster
Inamess2022 · 07/04/2023 19:44

i just hope I can have the consultation on Tuesday, get the pills swiftly and manage it the best that I can. I’m so so sorry if this offends anyone in anyway I know how it is an emotive subject.

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Original poster
Inamess2022 · 07/04/2023 20:20

Stupidly started to read a thread on whether people would be happy to get pregnant in their 40s , now feeling terrible guilt again, my only chance to give my son a sibling and it’s in horrendous circumstances plus I’ve been in this position many many years ago and didn’t think I’d ever have to go through this again. This is just awful 😞

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SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 07/04/2023 23:25

Your situation is uniquely your own and the fictional situation where your son has a sibling in happier circumstances is not the alternative here, don't compare this situation to that because it is an option which doesn't exist unfortunately.
Life is a good chunk of random chaos and we kid ourselves to think we have much control over large swathes of it. Sure there are good and bad decisions which can tilt the odds, but actually we're all surfing waves over which we have minimal control and there are two lives to be lived here, yours and your son's during which all kinds of things may unfold and which being a team of two may be no bad thing.
You have done an amazing thing which is to come through a bad relationship and break free - many don't. So you've already fought for your freedom and your ability to give your son the best life possible. This is a tremendous achievement considering the abuse you've been put through.
Keep your eyes ahead and all the possibilities not having a baby with a toxic abuser allows. 💐💐💐💐

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 10:31

I feel so crap today and so lost in my thoughts and decision making process…on one hand I feel like having a termination is for the best, on the other I feel like this is my last chance to have another child at my age and why should he get away with acting like this? I really am lost and so so angry about it all

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Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 10:36

I hate him so so much for what he has done to me. And I hate the fact he is able with a straight face to say I helped you raise your son, I was there for you when no one else was etc etc and be such a callous, cold evil bastard. Sorry 😞

OP posts:
Sittwritt · 08/04/2023 10:54

Oh no, look today is a beautiful sunny day and you deserve to feel happy and absorb some much needed sunshine.

One way of thinking about this is - Were you planning this pregnancy? I very much doubt it.

Another way of thinking about this is that Narcissism is quite genetic and even if it was not his part in your child’s life would expose your child to narcissistic abuse and give them environmental factors to develop similar coping mechanism and traits.

Your partner being nasty to you - well it’s something you will never get an apology for. They think they’ve done you a favour. You’ll never change their mind or get them to see your point of view. Because narcissists are the closest step to psychopathy. They are quite capable of catching an insect and pulling its legs one by one. They don’t care that this is excruciating for the insect. They could even do this as young kids.

So save yourself some strife because you feeling down or bad is nothing to them. Yet you will keep yourself in a thought prison and not allow yourself to enjoy this beautiful spring.

Its a no brainier. Let yourself live.

And join the rest of us in shouting out s FUCK OFF to your ex. Remember he put you in this place but it’s up to you whether you allow yourself to keep you there.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 08/04/2023 10:57

I'm no expert, but I'm sure there is support for women considering an abortion which may help you through this difficult and emotionally tangled time.
I just googled 'considering an abortion counselling' and a number of things came up, including counselling service for after the event. If you go ahead, and by nature of the problem you don't get long to think about it before it gets more complicated, it might be the case that support will be happening after the fact. Just because you take a course of action doesn't mean your turmoil flicks off like a switch. So it is good to know there is post abortion support.

That said, if you have serious doubts a specialised counselling service might be who you need to talk to ASAP.

Really sorry he has put you through this op.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 08/04/2023 11:00

I think it is not uncommon to have to make a definite decision without clear cut feelings on the issue, this is certainly one of the most sensitive and difficult of issues though! Sometimes being an adult human is rubbish and unpleasant. I really feel for you. You must feel like you're feelings are in a blender!

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 11:02

I just wanted to move forward and feel more positive about my life and now I feel terrible about everything, we are going to see family this weekend and also meeting friends and it’s really hard to remain positive with this hanging over me.

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Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 11:08

You are in charge, @Inamess2022 This isn't something that's happening to you. It's not 'hanging over you'. You are the one who makes the decision. You are the boss, and nobody can tell you that your decision is wrong, whatever it is. You are not a victim. You are in control.

It might not feel good, but you are not stuck or helpless. Move forward in the way you know is right for you.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 11:50

It’s escalated badly and I have finally now reported him to the police.

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GoodChat · 08/04/2023 11:53

Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 11:50

It’s escalated badly and I have finally now reported him to the police.

You're doing brilliantly. I hope you and DS are ok. You've got this and you've done exactly the right thing.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 12:08

I’m taking the pills at home next week and I have a meeting with the DV team booked. I should have done it a long long time ago but i was scared. He has been absolutely horrendous today, telling me I’m fat, if I had this child it would turn out retarded like you, no one likes you, your family don’t like you (my family who I’m seeing in approx two hours) I have no friends (I was here yesterday for two days with one of my best friends and her son who traveled across the country to see us), my ex wife is so much better than you….it’s truly been horrendous. There is no doubt in my mind that I need to get this termination done and get a million miles away from this psycho. His ex wife Might be happy to put up with it but that’s her problem.

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Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 12:27

I cannot actually believe all of this has happened I will never ever trust another man for as long as I live

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Winter2020 · 08/04/2023 12:28

Hi OP,
You know what you need to do to give yourself and your son a bright and stable future.

I am like you in that I couldn't take a termination lightly - and you don't - but it is very early days and a child is the last thing you need.

I am 43 with a young child with special needs. It is hard work and will change my whole life/retirement and my partners/older son's life too. I doubt my child will ever be independent. You know the future you want - go and grab it with both hands.

It sounds to me like you need to report your ex to the police for harassment - for contacting you through work etc. At least tell him any further contact will result in this. Then you have to stay away - don't waste the police's time by using their support then allowing contact/rekindling your relationship.

Go have a bright future OP X

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 12:32

I have the DV team coming to my home next week, it’s something I should have done a long long time ago. I really wish I had now. I realise that reporting today may open up a massive can of worms and I am scared but I know it was the right thing to do

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Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 12:33

I’ve tried to explain this to my son, that sometimes people aren’t as nice as they seem, it’s so difficult he’s nearly 8 so has questions and I don’t want to upset him in anyway.

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Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 12:39

I don’t know how I will begin to get better from this

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trythisforsize · 08/04/2023 12:58

You've done the right thing in getting the police involved. This man is very abusive and needs to be stopped. Are the police going to pay him a visit? They should! It is illegal for him to harass and abuse you like this, there is a child present too. It's still a crime even though he's your ex.

How is he getting to you?

If he is emailing you must set a rule that sends all messages from him in to the deleted box. If need be you can look once you have the DV team with you. You shouldn't have to handle this level of abuse alone.

If he is texting please block from all sources. He won't stop if he knows you are reading his messages.

You are doing the best thing for your son. At 8 he will know that you are protecting him from a man that causes harm. That's all he needs to know.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 13:29

I feel like I’m spiralling badly I feel so very anxious, my son can tell something is wrong , my parents will be able to tell , I don’t see the point in anything anymore 😞😞😞

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Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 13:30

I feel like the biggest fuck up that ever existed to be honest 😞 I’m so absolutely ashamed of everything

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trythisforsize · 08/04/2023 14:00

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

These men are incredibly manipulative.

Trust me, I know.

Is there someone you can call to help you through how you are feeling right now?

trythisforsize · 08/04/2023 14:04

Perhaps give these guys a call if you just want to talk to someone friendly: National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 08/04/2023 14:37

Thank you I’ve called them before and they were great. I’m panicking that I’ve opened a massive can of worms now, I never wanted social services involved in my sons life but I suppose that will happen now 😞😞😞I feel so bloody ashamed of myself. How could I have been so weak and pathetic, something in me snapped last august and I knew he had to go, and I was so stupid and let him back in , people warned me, I was so pathetically worried about being alone: I think he dragged me down so much he made me feel like no one else would want me, and more to the point that I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own with my son. But I had already proved I could do that when I separated from my husband previously I just didn’t see it 😞

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