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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is an utter mess

300 replies

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 13:30

Inamess2022 · 09/04/2023 09:47

This is a rollercoaster. I wake up feeling slightly more optimistic, then I remember what I need to do this week, then the awful realisation about how I’ve been treated by this excuse of a man, then I just hear that voice echoing in my head that I’m useless and crap…how do you forget the vile things that narcissists say to you??? Please any advice would be so much appreciated ❤️

It helped me to know that it's completely normal to feel this way. It's not unusual or peculiar. They leave us reeling, and ricocheting between opposing feelings, and that's our psychologically healthy effort to reconcile the feelings we had when they were lovely to us, and the feelings we had when they were abusive.

Nobody slides neatly through it, and it feels like an emotional rubik puzzle when you're in it. When you start to feel that the things he said were just one person's words, and that they have no importance in the bigger picture, you'll be able to laugh at his insults.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 12:24

An update. I took the first pill today (MA at home am still under 8 weeks) He did try and worm his way back in. I’m not sure how I feel will I regret this because this would have been my last chance to have a second child however I just couldn’t see a way forward that would have been positive for my son and I 😞😞😞 Please if anyone has any thoughts or support I would appreciate it so much. A big part of me thinks have I done this to make his life easier (my awful ex partners) and that is hard to reconcile..but I know I haven’t , I just couldn’t see me at 43 raising a baby alone with minimal support, having that lifelong connection to him, my parents loathe him as well so it would completely change my dynamic with them and they are so supportive to my son and I 😞😞For years I felt like I was losing those family and friendships because of him and it’s been so nice having them back to mostly normal 😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 12:25

I don’t want to feel sad or regretful I have been in such turmoil over the last few weeks

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 16/04/2023 12:31

Being ensnared by someone who is willing to abuse the person they claim to love is a ghastly turn off events in anyone's life.
You didn't make him into this cruel nasty person, but you are reacting to the consequences with the best of your ability balancing all the considerations of everyone affected.
This is the hardest most gracious thing you can do.
Because actually what you want is a time machine to go back to when you met him and stop it all even starting.
You could buy your head on the sand and slowly pay the price as all the hideous ramifications if that unfolded and you tried to make the best of it.
You could break down, cease to function, cry, throw and smash things, scare your son with how it if control your emotions are because you are overwhelmed with the lose-lose situation you are in.
Some people would do those things.
You've faced the truth and made the most pragmatic decision possible despite the scale of your emotions and competing thoughts and worries.
You're doing an amazing job and the shame and angst, rightly, is all his really.
💐
Keep going. This is the dark before the dawn.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 12:37

Thank you so so much xx I want to believe there is a bright future ahead for my son and I so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 13:03

I suppose I feel like I’ve been brave in making a firm decision but it’s been really really hard

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 16/04/2023 13:20

Really really hard. 💐

There will be positive take aways in sure one day.

Your son, when you can discuss this, knowing you're a warrior, facing your dragon, for him and you.

The empathy you will have for others with your hard won understanding.

The peace you enjoy when this man is a speck in your rear view mirror.

Watchkeys · 16/04/2023 14:39

It's OK, @Inamess2022 . You're going to be ok, and you're going to be free of him.

You're very brave, and very wise.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 18:24

How do I even begin to move on from this mess? I’m nearly 43 and feel like such a bloody failure 😞 how do I not feel guilty for the decisions I’ve made ??

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/04/2023 18:40

You recognise that you don't want to spend your life focussing on that. You don't want to go to bed when you're in your 70s, wishing you could have your 40s again and not fuck it up for yourself by focussing on how awful you thought you were.

You're wasting your time, quite literally. Have a think about what would be a good thing to do now. Have a think what you will look back on and feel happy you did/thought/tried/bought, anything. Think about how you want life to look in a year, in 5 years. What needs to change, on a practical level. Take a step in that direction.

In essence, how to not feel shit about yourself is to choose to do something else. It's your decision. You are not the victim of your thoughts, and your problems are there, and only there.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 18:48

I wanted a second child but never ever in these circumstances and never with someone that is dysfunctional and emotionally abusive 😞😞 so I know deep down I’ve done the right thing for my son and I I just feel the guilt is in danger of overtaking me

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 19:41

I feel guilty because perhaps I could have coped with another child but all I saw ahead of me was yet more mess, having a father to it that was a lot older and absent, no money, no prospects, no local family support, confusion from my existing child (eg why is this child with me all the time and I’m not: I could’nt bear that as I love him so very much 😞) I hate myself for getting in this awful mess 😢

OP posts:
Smartstuffed · 16/04/2023 21:08

I think you absolutely have done the right thing for the right reasons. And it is so difficult for you at this moment because you are not a robot programmed to respond and act in a specific way to any given set of circumstances, hence the conflicting thoughts.

I think you will reach a point where you can look back and see that it was the right decision;. one of the most difficult decisions ever, made for the very best reasons, under the circumstances that prevailed at the time, since no-one can reliably predict the future.

In my view, potentially worse would have been not to have actively considered your options. For example, If you had avoided the decision and la-la-la-ed in your head or even procrastinated for so long the decision was made for you - the course of your life would have been set for you and not by you. I have found this a source of comfort and a way to reconcile with myself when I look back on a decision made in the past. It was the right decision for me at that time. Please remember that and be kind to yourself.

And as for getting ourselves in a mess, well, that happens because we are human and fallible. If we learn from when we mess up then we can use that knowledge. And most of us make the same mistake more than once because we are hopeful that things will somehow 'be different this time' and of course when they aren't it hits us harder. So you aren't alone in messing up. But it can feel a lonely place for us because we are reluctant to admit to anyone in real life that we did it again and that makes it harder too.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 21:36

He was abusive not only verbally but physically. I remember hiding up bruises so my son wouldn’t see and putting a brave face on the next few days. I remember being shoved and pushed and landing on the stairs . I remember being called vile names and having stuff thrown. It’s all crashing in on me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 21:58

Just had a complete meltdown i can’t believe my life has come to this can’t stop crying

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 21:59

I feel so guilty for this baby so guilty I couldn’t have been stronger for it so guilty for my son for having such a mess of a mother

OP posts:
wantspringnow · 16/04/2023 22:04

You’re not a mess. Your piece of shit ex
is a mess for treating you like he has.
You’ve made a difficult decision and ultimately put your Son first. That’s not the actions of a mess, or a bad mother.
Also, your hormones will be going to shit, which will make you feel worse.
Things will get better soon, of that I’m sure.

Sittwritt · 16/04/2023 22:23

Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 21:59

I feel so guilty for this baby so guilty I couldn’t have been stronger for it so guilty for my son for having such a mess of a mother

OP you have to stop this spiral.

Ultimately you need to be detached from this bully. The only way to do that is blocking him and not firming any further attachments. All of us are supportive and would have done the same thing. You must not feel any guilt. It’s difficult to find the strength when you’ve been pushed down the stairs. But you survived and need to grow from it all.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 22:37

I feel like I’m spiralling and having a panic attack he has really really done a number on me he’s made me think I’m the one with all the issues, I could not have had a child with this head fuck so why do I feel so terrible

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 22:44

I can’t stop crying j feel so alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 16/04/2023 22:46

I couldn’t tell my parents about the termination I didn’t want to put them through anymore they hated my ex so much for what he did to me, my relationship with them is so much better now that they don’t have to see him or put up with the awkwardness, I need their support if I had told them about this it would have changed everything again. They love my son so much they were so proud when I got away from my ex

OP posts:
Sittwritt · 16/04/2023 22:54

We are all proud of you OP. Honestly don’t spend time on this loser. You have everything to live for now you don’t have to be his punch bag. Good luck to him trying to find a replacement one with his awful abusive personality.

You did right.

poppettypop · 16/04/2023 22:54

Oh my love you are quite normally over thinking this sad situation.

It would be wrong on so many levels to have a child with this man. Bravo to you to be this insightful and strong in the depth of your despair. Please don't ever feel guilty you have zero to feel guilty about. You cannot tie yourself to this man any longer than you have to for goodness sake.

You sound like you are quite polarised in your thoughts; veering from 'yes yes yes I've done the right thing to no no no what am I doing it;s too scary I am 43 what am I thinking.' This is pretty normal too.

Deep deep down in the bottom of your gut you know you are doing the right thing. However the negative intrusive thoughts you are having are swaying you. Listen to your gut listen to what you know is right for you and your son. Listen to what you already knew before the intrusive thoughts wormed their way in.

Lots of love I have been in a similar situation and I am so glad I had the guts to leave him and never look back.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 16/04/2023 22:57

Can you access any real life support? Friends? Therapy? Abortion charities?

Your thoughts are so big and processing such a deeply emotional and complex decision is tough to do alone.

Invadersmustdie · 16/04/2023 22:58

You need to stop OP, you have done the right thing for your son and you should be damn proud of yourself. I think terminations always throw up heaps of emotion it would be strange if it didn't but just ride it out. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry and everything in between. Give yourself a week and then sit down and actually apply rational thought to your situation. It was the right thing to do. What kind of life would you have all had with this psychopath involved? You have been given a chance to move on and start again with your boy.