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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't want to eat after comments

327 replies

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 12:06

2 days ago my partner playfully slapped my bum and said "somebody's bum has got bigger"... I asked if he could please not comment on my weight because it upsets me and he said "well your bum is the size of Beyonces".
I'm a size 8 for context and he's about 3 stone over weight but thinks he's god.
I later said that I was going on a diet and he said "you don't need to diet, you just need to exercise and tone up"...he does no exercise and barely moves from the chair. He's on cholesterol and blood pressure tablets.
I didn't eat apart from dinner and had a chicken breast, brocoli and rice and he commented on my plate "wow that's a lot of food".

I'm feeling so insecure. He doesn't know but I was bulimic for a long time and so I don't like comments about my weight. I now feel that I can't eat.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 31/03/2023 18:30

I would love someone to help me decipher why I feel I can't leave this relationship

What would you say to one of your clients if they asked the same question?

xPaz · 31/03/2023 18:39

@Feelingworthless1 because he has trained you to feel his emotions before your own. So anything you do, you interpret it through the lens of how it affects him

Leaving him..... (better for you) would you even feel the optimism, the relief, the hope? or would you only feel obligation, guilt, fear?

If you say you're leaving him because.........x y or z, does he respond with a list of your faults as though it were a game of chess and his failings at chess aren't as bad as your failings so he can still beat you in the decision of whether or not you're allowed to decide that the relationship is over, and news flash, you're not allowed, that's his decision to make.

Go on to you tube and type in ''how to break a trauma bond'' and ''how to leave an abusive partner''.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 18:45

I struggle with the injustice of him telling people I have anxiety and anger issues and he's basically a saint for staying with me.

People who believe this on nothing but his word don't have your back now, so what would you lose?

MysteryBelle · 31/03/2023 18:49

His manipulative language and gaslighting, he’s a demon from Hades. Op, leave now! Textbook evil person.

Run as fast and far away as you can and do what you can to minimize his effect on your child.

Opentooffers · 31/03/2023 19:01

The problem is that you are believing what he says although all evidence you have given clearly points to him lying. That is your insecurities, I hope you develop the courage of conviction and ignore him.
The more he thinks you might want to leave, the more he will take you down and if you show him its working by being emotional about it, then he thinks it's working so will add a bit more on top by saying you are over-anxious, picking at your reaction.
You could try grey rocking, its gone beyond throwing his insults back at him, because he has some violent tendencies, it may make him ramp that up and risk your safety.
So say nothing, and tell yourself that every criticism he gives, is him showing that he knows he knows he is way below your standard. He thinks he needs you to hate yourself and feel worthless otherwise he knows you'd leave him, because really he knows how shit he is, but he doesn't want you to realise this.

Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 19:02

Sounds like trauma bonding.

You see when the are around there's lots of ups and downs and your body gets conditioned to that. They are a sort of framework for your emotions. If you keep them appeased, you have a quiet life...but if you don't...

The point is, when they are gone, you don't have that framework anymore. Your emotions and hormones like cortisol go into free fall.

Which is mad. It's like, looking for the cause of your anxiety - to cure your anxiety. That's why you may feel really panic stricken at the thought of him leaving. But it's largely mental and hormonal conditioning. Once his is gone, if you cut contact to bare minimum and ride it out, it will settle.

Your body just needs time to realise there isn't a threat about 24/7. And mentally, you need time away from him to get out of the fog he has trapped you in.

Studies have shown that abuse not only damages our mental health but also, our physical health. Of course if you are told 'you have a problem', 'nothing you do is good enough', and that you are wrong or bad all the time, you will internalise that. And those thoughts will make you miserable. And that can make you sick.

Unfortunately, you need to pull out the knife in order to heal. And you need to do thar whilst the knife is still firmly impeded. Because it's not coming out otherwise.

Only in leaving will you find your clarity. You will not find it fully until you do. Trauma bonds hurt. But they are just addictions that we need to break.

Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 19:05
  • By they I mean he Sorry that wasn't clear upon reading back.

*imbeded

Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 19:06

*embedded even
My spelling is atrocious xD

piedbeauty · 31/03/2023 19:18

Why are you paying so much attention to what he has said and taking it to heart so much?? You know you're slim and healthy.

Just laugh at him, tell him that he's the one who's overweight, not you, and to STFU.

Then leave him.

piedbeauty · 31/03/2023 19:21

Just read the rest of your parts. Op, you need counselling to work why you can't leave this waste of space who is happy to neg you and put you down.

Can you tell family what is happening? Ring Women's Aid? Tell trusted friends? Shine a light on his abuse and make it known.

He's vile.

mamnotmum · 31/03/2023 19:55

Leave him now. Seriously it sounds dramatic but that is not someone you need to spend your life with.

If you've had problems with an eating disorder his comments are going to send you spiralling back into that.

mamnotmum · 31/03/2023 20:02

No matter how much you love him. No matter how hard it is. No matter how lonely it is - leave him.

There's help and temporary accommodation for abuse victims.

The decision need to be - I am a mother, do I want my child living with an abuser? The answer will always be no. You must get yourself and your kids away from this person.

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 20:10

The being in a constant state of heightened anxiety makes sense. I drove home from the school run today in tears, thinking maybe I should go to the Dr for some medication because my heart is always pounding and I'm constantly on edge. Maybe I can just numb everything and get by. Obviously if he knew I had any medication, it would be confirmation that I'm crazy. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. For years I could plod on, trying to detach but I'm utterly miserable. I feel I'm wasting my life with a man way older than me. I wanted to get married, buy a home. He can afford a house but doesn't want that with me evidently. Not that this is an option anymore because there is absolutely no going back from what he has said and done and I'm further depleted daily. My family and friends despise him. I can never have my family around him again, which is awful as we share a child.

OP posts:
thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 31/03/2023 20:11

Fuck me. What a twat he is.
Listen lovely us Welsh ladies are better than that piece of shit.

Tell him he's upsetting you and it's his rude comments and if he carries on you'll be off.
Meanwhile make plans to leave and get the hell out of there. Cheeky fucker

ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 20:17

How much older is he? How old are you both?

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 20:21

@ReneBumsWombats 34 and 52

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 20:29

Oh gosh. I'm 34 too and I couldn't imagine dating a 52 year old.

Yes your anxious all the time because your body is producing stress hormones due to being round him and his bs and never knowing what he will attack you with next.

It's in a constant state of fight or flight. But you don't need drugs to fix it. You just bee to get away from the thing that's causing it.

Could you take your child and go stay with family? Surely that's got to be better than being near him. Even if its a bit cramped.

SiobhanSharpe · 31/03/2023 20:32

Did I read that right -- he's cheated on you too, and with sex workers?
Words fail me.
I'm so sorry about what you're already going through and I'm very concerned that the physical abuse will escalate.
You must leave before it does, and, (sorry again) i think you will need to get an STI test too. Please take care. Keep safe, and your DC too.

monsteramunch · 31/03/2023 20:35

I have to be careful about standing up for my self because if I speak I'm sworn at. He's also pushed me around a bit, so I need to be careful there.

OP this man is incredibly abusive and for your childrens' sake you need to leave him now.

Are you open to calling women's aid to discuss how to do so safely, considering he is abusive in a variety of ways?

Your life will be infinitely calmer and happier when you aren't being bullied by this toxic bastard.

Your poor children need to be removed from this dynamic too, they're learning some really dangerous lessons about what relationships are supposed to look like.

Flowers
wineNcheeseifYplease · 31/03/2023 20:36

If you stay with him, odds are that your kids will turn out like him. At the very least (and that's an upsetting thing to say) they will be treated to the same derogatory control as you are. Is that enough to give you the impetus to leave? It should be. If you can't do it for you, do it for them. I understand it's so hard to do, but from everything you've said, that should be your aim. Freedom is better than loneliness.

Phiament · 31/03/2023 20:48

I haven't read the full thread but you're clearly aware you need to end this relationship so I won't tell you that!

I don't know if anyone else has said this but he sounds like he is putting everyone one else down to make himself feel better. A total narcissist.

I think he's probably shitting it and knows that he punching way above his weight with you so in order to keep hold of you, he is making you feel so shit and insecure that you don't have the confidence to leave...

It's working.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/03/2023 20:57

You are young. You have a good education and a career and two lovely children. You may not feel like it at the moment, but you have options, you don't have to live like this. I hope you get a chance to get some RL advice and support to help you consider your options Flowers

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 21:02

Unrelated I know but I was just flicking back through some old photos and came across a screenshot I had taken of a message partner had sent me around a year after we started dating.
We had an unplanned pregnancy and this was the conversation
"I'm feeling a little worried because I've started spotting brown and worried I may be about to miscarry"
Him "1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. We will find out at your scan tomorrow.
I have just found out that my ex from 97 works as a midwife on the labour ward 😬 she has just begun communications with me"
Me "that's all very clinical. Why are you in touch with your ex from 97"
Him "she poked me. I'm talking to her as if she is from an alien race. Don't worry, I'm only into a petite, well spoken, Welsh lady".

Isn't that a weird conversation to have with your partner who says they may be miscarrying?
Presumably she's another one he was cheating with. Even seeing that now breaks my heart.

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 21:07

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 20:21

@ReneBumsWombats 34 and 52

Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world...

Of course age gap relationships can work. But this one isn't. He's got a slim girlfriend 18 years younger who is clearly well out of his league. How does he keep her? By making her think this is her league. By grinding her down so she'll never realise how many zillions of miles out of his league she is.

The point of an older man is supposed to be that he's worldly, established and debonair. If he's just going to be a whining, abusive, lying negging twat then shit, at least get yourself a fit young one when you're fit and young yourself.

I wish you could see what we're seeing. He's stealing your best years. He's a vampire.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 21:09

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 21:02

Unrelated I know but I was just flicking back through some old photos and came across a screenshot I had taken of a message partner had sent me around a year after we started dating.
We had an unplanned pregnancy and this was the conversation
"I'm feeling a little worried because I've started spotting brown and worried I may be about to miscarry"
Him "1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. We will find out at your scan tomorrow.
I have just found out that my ex from 97 works as a midwife on the labour ward 😬 she has just begun communications with me"
Me "that's all very clinical. Why are you in touch with your ex from 97"
Him "she poked me. I'm talking to her as if she is from an alien race. Don't worry, I'm only into a petite, well spoken, Welsh lady".

Isn't that a weird conversation to have with your partner who says they may be miscarrying?
Presumably she's another one he was cheating with. Even seeing that now breaks my heart.

Isn't that a weird conversation to have with your partner who says they may be miscarrying?

From this sack of shit? It's exactly what I'd expect.

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