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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to eat after comments

327 replies

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 12:06

2 days ago my partner playfully slapped my bum and said "somebody's bum has got bigger"... I asked if he could please not comment on my weight because it upsets me and he said "well your bum is the size of Beyonces".
I'm a size 8 for context and he's about 3 stone over weight but thinks he's god.
I later said that I was going on a diet and he said "you don't need to diet, you just need to exercise and tone up"...he does no exercise and barely moves from the chair. He's on cholesterol and blood pressure tablets.
I didn't eat apart from dinner and had a chicken breast, brocoli and rice and he commented on my plate "wow that's a lot of food".

I'm feeling so insecure. He doesn't know but I was bulimic for a long time and so I don't like comments about my weight. I now feel that I can't eat.

OP posts:
Namechangenoidea · 31/03/2023 17:36

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:34

Thank you (diolch) for all for the replies and I am taking them on board. Obviously there is a lot more to this and my life is generally hell at the moment.

We do have a child together, yes.

I have to be careful about standing up for my self because if I speak I'm sworn at. He's also pushed me around a bit, so I need to be careful there.

@Namechangenoidea I didn't say I think a man should lie to a woman. However in my situation he had no opportunity to lie. I didn't ask him "is my bum getting big". If I asked this and he said yes, then I invited the question. I didn't invite it. It wasn't even as if he was saying it because he's concerned for my health. I'm a normal weight and when I said it upset me, he continued to make comments. Maybe comments about your weight don't upset you and that's completely fine but after years having an eating disorder, there is a reason I avoid discussing my weight.

Op I only read your first post. I’ve just read the others and it’s completely different to my relationship. You need to leave. He’s purposely being nasty. A husband who loves you would never do that.

KnackeredAF · 31/03/2023 17:40

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 12:21

So he is very against people being overweight. He mocks overweight family members or says "she won't find anyone, she's obese"...I ALWAYS call him out on this and think it's awful.

He knows he's overweight but says it's my fault for having carbs in the house...even though he eats twice as many as me. He barely leaves he house some days, he's over 16 stone.

He says it’s your fault for having carbs in the house?! Fucking hell fire 🤦🏽‍♀️

TeaMistress · 31/03/2023 17:40

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:35

Oh and my partner is a misogynist. I made a comment that it upset me that when he cheated, he offered a woman money and he said "all women are paid for by men, so it's the same thing. I pay for you by paying the rent"

Oh my dear...thats appalling. He is a dirty misogynistic cheating lump of lard. You can do much better than this. He literally has no redeeming qualities and you don't need to put up with this. Are you able to make preparations to take your son and leave. Try to separate any joint finances and look into any benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent. Is the current tenancy in joint names? Is there anywhere you can move to closer to family support?

menopausalbloat · 31/03/2023 17:43

Why do you stay?
I know it's extremely difficult for victims of abuse to leave, before anyone says anything.

Original poster
Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:43

It's also my fault he drinks

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 17:45

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:43

It's also my fault he drinks

You know he's talking objective shite. What's keeping you here?

Was he really amazing once and you still think you can get back to that fake time? Would it work even if he puts the mask back on tomorrow?

Original poster
Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:45

I stay for financial reasons; I'm currently saving but finding a property is going to be very hard.

I stay because I feel I love him

I stay because we have a child and when he's not around and our son asks for him it breaks my heart

I stay because I'm lonely. When he has walked out for a few days, throwing his toys out of the pram, I realise how very lonely it is. With my eldest son I was a single mum for 5 years but his dad was normal, decent and consistent. My partner won't be.

OP posts:
ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 31/03/2023 17:46

Namechangenoidea · 31/03/2023 17:10

Ok looking again I can see he did wrong after she said she doesn’t like it he should stop.

But in my personal opinion I do think op you are a bit sensitive. Most men do like big bums so to me I just didn’t see it as an insult at all. To me a big bum is a positive attribute and the fact he slapped it means I thought he did too? Anyway just my opinion. I really wouldn’t feel down about it. He’s told you you don’t need to diet, he hasn’t said he thinks you’re too fat.

Show quote history

Have you read the OPs posts? Properly read all of them?

I genuinely don’t don’t how you can try and justify this man’s behaviour

TeaMistress · 31/03/2023 17:48

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:43

It's also my fault he drinks

You know deep down that none of this is your fault..his drinking and his unhealthy weight..its all him. He is a revolting slug and I think this needs to be the day where you decide that enough is enough. You do not have to exist like this. Being shackled to him isn't living. It's time to start thinking about your future.

Noicant · 31/03/2023 17:50

OP keep working on leaving. It feels lonely because on some level you are still enthralled by his manipulation and abuse. He has to pay women cos they don’t want him. Once you leave slowly slowly the loneliness will leave and the disgust will rise and one day you will look at him and think he’s pathetic and wonder how you could ever have loved him in the first place. All these things take time but it will happen. I doubt theres a woman out there who has left a man like yours and regretted it.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/03/2023 17:53

He's a walking cliche Op, women aren't allowed to be fat or have short hair because they should look the way men find attractive, he's fat but it's not his fault, women are basically all prostitutes in his view because they take men's money. I don't how or why you've stayed so long Op, he's just wearing you down to nothing so that you won't wake up to how abusive he is, and how much better you are than him- you're altogether far too nice for him. No doubt when he pushes you around it's after a few drinks, which is, of course, all your fault again since he says the drinking is your fault.

I'm so glad you know you have to leave him, why wait? Make a plan to leave, get some more hours at work if you have someone to mind your DC and just get out. Soon you'll be so worn out you'll just stay and put up with it, which is, of course, just what he wants

Namechangenoidea · 31/03/2023 17:55

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:45

I stay for financial reasons; I'm currently saving but finding a property is going to be very hard.

I stay because I feel I love him

I stay because we have a child and when he's not around and our son asks for him it breaks my heart

I stay because I'm lonely. When he has walked out for a few days, throwing his toys out of the pram, I realise how very lonely it is. With my eldest son I was a single mum for 5 years but his dad was normal, decent and consistent. My partner won't be.

Honestly you will have a lonelier life with him. It may feel lonelier in the beginning but that will fade. The longer you stay the longer you will regret it when you finally do leave which is inevitable. If you wait another few years, each year is one lost.

TeaMistress · 31/03/2023 17:55

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 17:45

I stay for financial reasons; I'm currently saving but finding a property is going to be very hard.

I stay because I feel I love him

I stay because we have a child and when he's not around and our son asks for him it breaks my heart

I stay because I'm lonely. When he has walked out for a few days, throwing his toys out of the pram, I realise how very lonely it is. With my eldest son I was a single mum for 5 years but his dad was normal, decent and consistent. My partner won't be.

Have you checked on entitledto to see whether you would be eligible for additional support as a single parent. This might make looking for alternative housing easier. Do you work? Are there any family you could stay with while you secure a property of your own? I think its time to firmly start telling yourself that being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship with a lardy slug. By leaving him you are protecting your son from growing up witnessing domestic abuse. You and your little boy deserve so much better. Can you start squirrelling away money in an account he knows nothing about..

menopausalbloat · 31/03/2023 17:57

I know it's hard to be alone. My husband left me and I was made homeless as I had no money for the rent.
I was devastated but it got better. You are stronger than you realise.
If you stay, you'll just get more of the same and your son will think that it's perfectly fine to treat women this way.
I do hope you get help and eventually leave this awful person.

Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 18:01

He swears at you and physically assaults you too?

Op, you cant raise a son around this.
Look to leave for his sake if not yours.
Your son will adapt to not having him around so much. But if you stay in an abusive relationship, you'll trap him in the cycle of abuse forever. He will go on to abuse or be abuse, because it's all he knows.

Of course it's scary to be single after being in a relationship. It'll feel lonely until you get used to your own company again. But we are adults and as such, we sometimes have to face uncomfortable emotions in order to make changes in our lives. Otherwise, no one would ever move or break up with anyone or change jobs.

'Okay, I'm lonely right now. But I'm safe so thats the most important thing. In time I'll make new friends and get used to being on my own sometimes and maybe even meet a new man. So it's OK to be lonely right now. It won't kill me. My ex, might have'.

Sometimes we have to go through uncomfortable emotions so we can grow and change and learn to love ourselves. So that in future, we don't tolerate nasty men who mean us harm in our lives.

You might not want to be alone. But it might actually be just what you need right now.

FlozzaR · 31/03/2023 18:03

Dump him, he sounds like a total twat

MMMarmite · 31/03/2023 18:05

Sure your child will ask for him, he's small and doesn't know better. In 20 years time he'll either be asking what the hell you were thinking, or he'll be copying this man's behaviour. Growing up in a house with an abuser is incredibly damaging. Please don't let your son's words be a reason for staying.

MrsDoylesDoily · 31/03/2023 18:10

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 12:21

So he is very against people being overweight. He mocks overweight family members or says "she won't find anyone, she's obese"...I ALWAYS call him out on this and think it's awful.

He knows he's overweight but says it's my fault for having carbs in the house...even though he eats twice as many as me. He barely leaves he house some days, he's over 16 stone.

Why did you/do you think having a relationship with someone like this is a good idea?

And especially as someone who was once bulimic?

Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 18:12

Yup, when your boy grows up he'll ask you stated with an abusive man. At least if you'd left there would have been a safe space for him at your place. To decompress away from his dad.

It's a horrible burden for an adult child to know their mother stayed 'for them'. Especially knowing if they could go back in time, they themselves would now beg her to leave.

A child knows no different. You're the parent. You have to make the tough choices on their behalf.

Original poster
Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 18:19

I would love someone to help me decipher why I feel I can't leave this relationship. I have two psychology degree and work in a role involving the use of counselling skills. Believe it or not, I know exactly what he's going to say before he speaks. His behaviour is predictable. I know he's abusive. I am conditioned into not having an opinion, bringing up issues or having feelings or he deflects or threatens to leave (sometimes leaves but always comes back when he doesn't get me begging).
I can see everything he is doing. It almost makes it worse. I struggle with what my life has become. I struggle with the injustice of him telling people I have anxiety and anger issues and he's basically a saint for staying with me.

I see it all. I don't know who I am anymore.

OP posts:
GG1986 · 31/03/2023 18:19

Leave the bastard. I had an ex like this, I was 8 stone and 19 years old when I met him, I gained a little over the years we were together and he would make comments about cellulite and that I had piled on weight(less than a stone) etc, he was gross! So glad I got rid, he would have ruined me if I stayed.

Workinghardeveryday · 31/03/2023 18:22

what Knobsack he is!!!

come on my lovely, you know deep down you can do waaaayyyy better than him.

You feel you love him right? You probably do. You love the way he USED to make you feel. The way he USED to be with you. So ask yourself, how long has it been since those days?

Yes, he has said some fucking horrible things to you, probably because he didn’t know about your previous eating disorder and how your appearance is important to you right? Oh yeah, that’s right, he does know. Knows all too well how his comments cut like a knife.

You do realise it is because he knows he is out of your league right? Come on now, think about it…. The lazy slob fat fucker telling his size 8 girlfriend to tone up etc 😂, it’s actually ridiculous.

Step out of yourself and look in my lovely. You are hands down being kept in your place for his own fear you will see him for what he is and fuck off!!

Don’t tell me, he will change, and anyway he can be really lovely yeah.

Aww that’s nice, shame for you it’s the circle of abuse.

You don’t love him. You are comfortable with him and scared of being alone.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off and find a nice man who actually cares about you.

@Feelingworthless1 sorry to be harsh, but come on now!!! When you were a little girl, is this how you imagined your dream man would be? Na, didn’t think so….. Xx

Schnooze · 31/03/2023 18:22

How long have you been with him?

He’s done a right number on you. Yes please dump him.

Original poster
Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 18:24

Been with him 6 years. It's got worse over the years.

OP posts:
5128gap · 31/03/2023 18:26

You stay with him because he's brought you so low that even the most basic of benefits, that most people take for granted, feel like wins. The company of a man who makes you miserable and intimidates and abuses you is not preferable to no company. You just think it is because your expectations of life are on the floor.
Out here are millions of women who've walked away from relationships like yours and are living such better lives, either alone or with better men they'd never have met while trapped in their old lives. Their children are thriving. They have income and rooves over the heads. Maybe a more modest lifestyle, but they're free.
There is nothing about you that makes you different from them. You can do what they've done. Or you can stay in your miserable compromise of a life. You only get one and you need to choose how to spend it.