Page 9 | Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

Blushingm · 2023-03-30T16:28:33+00:00

Been with bf a year. We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions. He was married 23 years - met her at 18 I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men? He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her) I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

Mypatioisminging · 31/03/2023 12:24

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

Well of course he is at least bi. No straight bloke joins Grindr looking for casual sex with a man and goes back another two times.

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 12:46

Being “phobic” has absolutely zero place in the conversation about who people consent to having sex with.

If you are no longer attracted to him, then break up with him. You are not morally obligated to continue having sex with anyone you don’t really want to for any reason.

ShodanLives · 31/03/2023 12:55

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 12:04

I wouldn't get involved he is bisexual and could want to go with a man in the future

A straight man could want to go with another woman in the future.

gannett · 31/03/2023 13:01

Of course no one should date or have sex with anyone they don't want to for whatever reason.

But the biphobia that's rampant on all of these threads isn't about that. It's about the vulgar, OTT, disgusted reactions to the idea of gay sex: "get out of dodge", "grim", more vomiting emojis than you can shake a stick at. Those are biphobic. That visceral disgust you feel at the idea of a man having sex with another man - that's biphobic and probably homophobic.

It is exactly the same energy as men talking about a woman who's had an adventurous sexual past as though she's been sullied or is somehow dirty. This person doesn't fit gender ideals (a pure, modest woman or an ultra-masculine man) - disgusting! Wouldn't touch them with a bargepole!

It also makes zero sense that a person's sexual history could actually alter your feelings towards them. If you love someone and are attracted to who they are right now, does it really make a difference if you find out that half a decade ago she had a threesome or he sucked a dick? Are we reducing ourselves/other people to our sex lives here?

Bear in mind that most people don't actually know their partner's sexual histories inside out. I'd bet more men have experimented with other men (before settling into otherwise straight lives) than any of you think: experimenting with other women is so much more socially acceptable for mostly-straight women, so most of us who've done it can be fairly open about it.

If you feel viscerally about your partner's potential bisexuality, you owe it to them to actually dig into that feeling and work out where it's coming from. And you owe it to society not to post in public about how revolted you are by it.

I would say that by the time someone's in their 40s they should have a decent self-awareness of their own sexuality, so the OP's partner should be able to be honest with her about what those experiments meant. If he's in denial about his sexuality, that right there is a red flag. If he's accepted that he's bisexual to a degree, and has awareness of what that degree is, that would be fine to me.

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 13:14

Posters on here have stated that it is biphobic to not want to have sex with some anymore if you found out they were bisexual.

This sort of thing has no place in the conversation about sexual consent.

Eyerollcentral · 31/03/2023 13:30

This reply has been deleted

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TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:31

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 12:10

Because a woman can not do the things to a man the same as a man can because she hasn't got a penis. I would have thought that was obvious

I mean, strap ons exist and many straight couples are into pegging, so…

SammyScrounge · 31/03/2023 13:31

pncr · 30/03/2023 18:39

Serious question. Why do you have to tell someone if you're bi?

What is it to them? You're with them - anyone else, regardless of sex, is in the past.

You don't have to tell them if you have no respect for their right to make choices, to have preferences about the type of person they sleep with.

Eyerollcentral · 31/03/2023 13:35

SammyScrounge · 31/03/2023 13:31

You don't have to tell them if you have no respect for their right to make choices, to have preferences about the type of person they sleep with.

Show quote history

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Alcemeg · 31/03/2023 13:35

If you feel viscerally about your partner's potential bisexuality, you owe it to them to actually dig into that feeling and work out where it's coming from. And you owe it to society not to post in public about how revolted you are by it.

No one owes anyone any such thing, about any kind of sexuality.

As for posting in public about personal gut feelings, good luck policing the notion that no one is allowed to express an idea that might theoretically offend someone else.

"Society" can go do one.

pncr · 31/03/2023 13:36

@SammyScrounge my partner has never asked me anything about my sexual history. And I have never asked him.

Why do I need to volunteer any sort of information?

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:39

gannett · 31/03/2023 13:01

Of course no one should date or have sex with anyone they don't want to for whatever reason.

But the biphobia that's rampant on all of these threads isn't about that. It's about the vulgar, OTT, disgusted reactions to the idea of gay sex: "get out of dodge", "grim", more vomiting emojis than you can shake a stick at. Those are biphobic. That visceral disgust you feel at the idea of a man having sex with another man - that's biphobic and probably homophobic.

It is exactly the same energy as men talking about a woman who's had an adventurous sexual past as though she's been sullied or is somehow dirty. This person doesn't fit gender ideals (a pure, modest woman or an ultra-masculine man) - disgusting! Wouldn't touch them with a bargepole!

It also makes zero sense that a person's sexual history could actually alter your feelings towards them. If you love someone and are attracted to who they are right now, does it really make a difference if you find out that half a decade ago she had a threesome or he sucked a dick? Are we reducing ourselves/other people to our sex lives here?

Bear in mind that most people don't actually know their partner's sexual histories inside out. I'd bet more men have experimented with other men (before settling into otherwise straight lives) than any of you think: experimenting with other women is so much more socially acceptable for mostly-straight women, so most of us who've done it can be fairly open about it.

If you feel viscerally about your partner's potential bisexuality, you owe it to them to actually dig into that feeling and work out where it's coming from. And you owe it to society not to post in public about how revolted you are by it.

I would say that by the time someone's in their 40s they should have a decent self-awareness of their own sexuality, so the OP's partner should be able to be honest with her about what those experiments meant. If he's in denial about his sexuality, that right there is a red flag. If he's accepted that he's bisexual to a degree, and has awareness of what that degree is, that would be fine to me.

This. No one, LITERALLY NO ONE, has said, or thinks, anyone should have sex with someone they don’t want to. They absolutely have the right to make that decision. But that doesn’t mean their reasons don’t deserve some deeper analysis and the disgust some people are expressing absolutely is phobic and it is the other side of the same coin that leads men to label women as dirty slags or similar for having had casual sex in the past.

I also think if it really bothers you the onus is on you to ask. I’d never sit a date down and say “I have to tell you something, I’m bisexual” because that immediately positions it as something that’s bad that could negatively affect them. I might casually drop it into conversation IF it was relevant but I wouldn’t “break the news” in the same way I might if I had, say, a terminal illness or was HIV+. Nor would I assume that someone had never had same sex experiences or wasn’t bi themselves, but I don’t go around assuming being straight is the norm or that everyone must be totally straight unless they state otherwise.

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 13:41

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:31

I mean, strap ons exist and many straight couples are into pegging, so…

Show quote history

And many straight women are absolutely not into that at all.
Some of us are just like very vanilla very straight sex. And aren’t into any else.
Just as it’s not ok to shame people for their sexual preferences that depart from the old norm of heterosexual sex with no kinks, it’s not ok to imply that people are bigoted because actually, the kind of sex they like is not what you might consider adventurous and that they like that sex to happen in the context of a stable long term heterosexual relationship.

supravit · 31/03/2023 13:43

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 13:41

And many straight women are absolutely not into that at all.
Some of us are just like very vanilla very straight sex. And aren’t into any else.
Just as it’s not ok to shame people for their sexual preferences that depart from the old norm of heterosexual sex with no kinks, it’s not ok to imply that people are bigoted because actually, the kind of sex they like is not what you might consider adventurous and that they like that sex to happen in the context of a stable long term heterosexual relationship.

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Good thing no one is doing that then.

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:44

SammyScrounge · 31/03/2023 13:31

You don't have to tell them if you have no respect for their right to make choices, to have preferences about the type of person they sleep with.

Show quote history

If someone considers themselves entitled to a potential date’s sexual past so they can judge them, the problem is entirely theirs. Unless someone has a sexually transmittable illness they don’t owe anyone information about what they might have done at a time in their life before their current partner even knew they existed.

That said, I’d rather the trash took itself out so if someone is grossed out by bisexual people they should make this clear.

pncr · 31/03/2023 13:46

Unless someone has a sexually transmittable illness they don’t owe anyone information about what they might have done at a time in their life before their current partner even knew they existed.

Exactly this. I don't have a sexually transmitted disease of any kind. I don't owe any current or future partner any explanation of what I did in the last.

pncr · 31/03/2023 13:47

*past

Eyerollcentral · 31/03/2023 13:49

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:39

This. No one, LITERALLY NO ONE, has said, or thinks, anyone should have sex with someone they don’t want to. They absolutely have the right to make that decision. But that doesn’t mean their reasons don’t deserve some deeper analysis and the disgust some people are expressing absolutely is phobic and it is the other side of the same coin that leads men to label women as dirty slags or similar for having had casual sex in the past.

I also think if it really bothers you the onus is on you to ask. I’d never sit a date down and say “I have to tell you something, I’m bisexual” because that immediately positions it as something that’s bad that could negatively affect them. I might casually drop it into conversation IF it was relevant but I wouldn’t “break the news” in the same way I might if I had, say, a terminal illness or was HIV+. Nor would I assume that someone had never had same sex experiences or wasn’t bi themselves, but I don’t go around assuming being straight is the norm or that everyone must be totally straight unless they state otherwise.

Show quote history

If the ‘norm’ is what most people in society are though, you can safely assume they are straight. Overwhelmingly most people are straight.
‘But that doesn’t mean their reasons don’t deserve some deeper analysis and the disgust some people are expressing absolutely is phobic and it is the other side of the same coin that leads men to label women as dirty slags or similar for having had casual sex in the past.’ I love these posters that try and conflate two complete different things and fail to demonstrate at all how they are alike. How is like that at all? Do you not think bisexuality is valid? You seem to be arguing it’s a choice like choosing to have casual sex. Very odd argument.
‘say “I have to tell you something, I’m bisexual” because that immediately positions it as something that’s bad that could negatively affect them. I might casually drop it into conversation IF it was relevant but I wouldn’t “break the news” in the same way I might if I had, say, a terminal illness or was HIV+.’ LOL LOL LOL but you just juxtaposed bisexuality with terminal illness or HIV!!! Who said you had to ‘break the news’???? Surely an adult and mature person would just say you know I have had relationships with men and women. Not stage a dramatic reveal. I wonder if some of these posters have much experience with adult relationships

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:55

Literally the person earlier on the thread who said something like if you respect your partner you should tell them, as if it’s a massive life changing bit of news. Of course it isn’t - and if you didn’t wilfully misread what I’d written you’d know that was exactly what I was saying.

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 13:59

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:39

This. No one, LITERALLY NO ONE, has said, or thinks, anyone should have sex with someone they don’t want to. They absolutely have the right to make that decision. But that doesn’t mean their reasons don’t deserve some deeper analysis and the disgust some people are expressing absolutely is phobic and it is the other side of the same coin that leads men to label women as dirty slags or similar for having had casual sex in the past.

I also think if it really bothers you the onus is on you to ask. I’d never sit a date down and say “I have to tell you something, I’m bisexual” because that immediately positions it as something that’s bad that could negatively affect them. I might casually drop it into conversation IF it was relevant but I wouldn’t “break the news” in the same way I might if I had, say, a terminal illness or was HIV+. Nor would I assume that someone had never had same sex experiences or wasn’t bi themselves, but I don’t go around assuming being straight is the norm or that everyone must be totally straight unless they state otherwise.

Show quote history

But that doesn’t mean their reasons don’t deserve some deeper analysis

Nope. No it does not.

She doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore. That’s it. End of discussion. No navel gazing required.

4plusthehound · 31/03/2023 14:01

gannett · 31/03/2023 13:01

Of course no one should date or have sex with anyone they don't want to for whatever reason.

But the biphobia that's rampant on all of these threads isn't about that. It's about the vulgar, OTT, disgusted reactions to the idea of gay sex: "get out of dodge", "grim", more vomiting emojis than you can shake a stick at. Those are biphobic. That visceral disgust you feel at the idea of a man having sex with another man - that's biphobic and probably homophobic.

It is exactly the same energy as men talking about a woman who's had an adventurous sexual past as though she's been sullied or is somehow dirty. This person doesn't fit gender ideals (a pure, modest woman or an ultra-masculine man) - disgusting! Wouldn't touch them with a bargepole!

It also makes zero sense that a person's sexual history could actually alter your feelings towards them. If you love someone and are attracted to who they are right now, does it really make a difference if you find out that half a decade ago she had a threesome or he sucked a dick? Are we reducing ourselves/other people to our sex lives here?

Bear in mind that most people don't actually know their partner's sexual histories inside out. I'd bet more men have experimented with other men (before settling into otherwise straight lives) than any of you think: experimenting with other women is so much more socially acceptable for mostly-straight women, so most of us who've done it can be fairly open about it.

If you feel viscerally about your partner's potential bisexuality, you owe it to them to actually dig into that feeling and work out where it's coming from. And you owe it to society not to post in public about how revolted you are by it.

I would say that by the time someone's in their 40s they should have a decent self-awareness of their own sexuality, so the OP's partner should be able to be honest with her about what those experiments meant. If he's in denial about his sexuality, that right there is a red flag. If he's accepted that he's bisexual to a degree, and has awareness of what that degree is, that would be fine to me.

OK - this is a bit bonkers.

Sex is a matter of taste. It is actually as simple as that. I am revolted by runny eggs. My dh loves. Taste.

I don’t OWE anybody an answer as to why I am revolted by the runny eggs.

Many women will have an instinctive “no” to the idea of a man being bi.

And that is OK.

It is nothing more than taste.

Don’t gaslight the OP into thinking this is some moral, prudish failure on her side. Not fair at all.

Your point about sexual history is well made - a good reminder that discretion is valuable.

Finally, I know a lot of men who have dabbled. They continue on the quiet on Grindr. Not cool.

Eyerollcentral · 31/03/2023 14:01

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 13:55

Literally the person earlier on the thread who said something like if you respect your partner you should tell them, as if it’s a massive life changing bit of news. Of course it isn’t - and if you didn’t wilfully misread what I’d written you’d know that was exactly what I was saying.

Why the hyperbole??? It is respectful to be honest with someone you are embarking on a relationship with. It’s YOU that keeps painting this as a devastating revelation. It’s the same as someone who has been divorced telling a new partner about that. Some people wouldn’t want to date a divorcee, they are allowed to have that boundary, just as someone is allowed to say I only want to date heterosexual men.

pncr · 31/03/2023 14:04

Why do I need to tell a partner that I had bi experiences in the past?

I genuinely don't understand why it's relevant.

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 14:08

supravit · 31/03/2023 13:43

Good thing no one is doing that then.

Show quote history

I feel like they are. Implying that you need to examine the reasons why you find certain physical characteristics or personality traits or yes, personal history a turn on or a turn off because those reasons might mean you’re a bigot is fucking pointless.
Because those reasons aren’t logical. You either feel sexual attraction or you don’t. It’s not a logical thing. Afterwards you might notice a pattern to who you are attracted to and who you are not attracted to. But there aren’t necessarily any ´reasons’.
It is worth examining our subconscious reactions to different groups of people when we are dealing with them in basically every other context, because it’s important that school teachers and employers and drs and anyone client facing treats all clients/potential employees fairly, even if that means learning to look past your subconscious prejudices and preconceived ideas in order to do so. And you should do this even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to sex? Fuck that! It’s not in anyone’s best interest for people to start trying to get over their initial reactions of not being sexually attracted or being turned off by anything at all. Because sex should only ever happen between two people who actively want to be there doing those things with that specific other person. Not between people who don’t want to do whatever with whoever but think they should because they are turned off by something that we shouldn’t discriminate against in other aspects of life.

Eyerollcentral · 31/03/2023 14:14

pncr · 31/03/2023 14:04

Why do I need to tell a partner that I had bi experiences in the past?

I genuinely don't understand why it's relevant.

You don’t need to do anything. Many people would think it’s pretty disrespectful not to though 🤷‍♀️ People are allowed to have their own preferences. I genuinely don’t understand how you don’t see it’s relevant