Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

[Blushingm]

Been with bf a year.

We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions.

He was married 23 years - met her at 18

I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men?

He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her)

I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

I would get the fuck out of Dodge asap op.

Are you kidding me? If you have any self respect you’d run for the hills!

Well, I agree that the x lack of openess is a problem- a year is a long time - but people can be bi- curious without being bi. People sometimes experiment, especially when they have ended a long term relationship. They won't always decide that that it fits them.

Exploration does not define your ongoing sexuality. People change. People take some time to figure out what they like.

I'm bloody glad that I'm not still attracted to the same type of people that I was in my late teens!

You are constantly confusing "experience" (wtf is that even? Were you on lesbian dating sites? In a relationship with a woman? Snogged your best mate on the dance-floor for attention from boys?) with sexuality.
Repeatedly seeking out sex with same-sex people is bi-sexuality (or homo-sexuality). That's so different from that one time at a party type of thing.

I've had plenty of "experiences" but I have never ever seeked out sex with a woman. I lived with (and slept with) a couple in my misspent youth. The preferred option would be someone kicking her out of the bed though 😂

I also had a guy I had just slept with ask if I'd like him to bring his boyfriend the next time... You couldn't see me for dust I was so quick outa there!

I'm into straight men and straight sex. The straighter, the better 😁

I had sex with a few (less than 5 but more than one) women post a long marriage where I had been with that person since I was 14.

I don't believe I owe any current partner any explanation of my sexuality or previous sex experiences. I'm using the word experiences deliberately as it covers the good sex to the bad sex to the non-consensual sex experiences.

I believe I owe my current partner fidelity as we are exclusive and I wouldn't (and haven't and never will) have sex with anyone else whilst in a relationship with him.

I don't believe I owe anyone anything about my previous sexual experiences. I haven't told him anything about the sex I had with men and I haven't told him anything about the sex I had with women.

I'm entitled to privacy.

There just isn’t any point in analyzing this stuff when it comes to who people choose to sleep with (or not).
The list of necessary attributes a man has to have/cannot have before I’m interested is pretty long and if you lay it all out like this is looks wrong when we’re used to lists of protected characteristics and things we must not discriminate against in other domains of life. None of that applies to sexual attraction. It’s also why we have euphemisms like ´you’re not my type, sorry’ and ´it’s not you, it’s me.’ Because telling someone you’d not sexually attracted to them because they are too short too tall too old too young too religious the wrong religion too fat too skinny too poor work too much don’t work enough too drunk too teetotal too vegan not vegan you don’t like their clothes you don’t like their nose you don’t like their hair you don’t like their laugh too sexually promiscuous in their youth not experienced enough just never leads to a productive or healthy conversation.

So don’t ever tell him and there won’t be any issue? Especially if you’re together forever.
If you break up and he finds out later, then his reaction is not your problem at that point.
You get to pick one, either privacy about your past sexual experiences, or knowing your partner accepts you and loves you while knowing about your past sexual experiences. If you want the latter, you have to take the risk of being rejected because of those past sexual experiences. But there’s nothing wrong with preferring to keep things private if that works for you and your partner.

If it bothers you it bothers you. You now decide whether you dump him for his sexual past that pre-dates you or you work past it.

When it comes to our personal relationships we have to be honest with ourselves. It’d be detrimental to him to be with someone who harbours disgust or stereotypes about him too.

It is biphobic. It’s literally saying you are repelled by someone who’s has same sex relations. That doesn’t change what you could/should do. But it’s worth knowing that about yourself for the future. People don’t owe you their sexual history so if this is a deal breaker it’s on you to ask before you commit.

I mean all this in a fairly factual/neutral way. I hope it comes across like that.

If he found out and split up with me for it I'd be upset to have split up with him but it wouldn't change the fact that I don't think I owe anyone more about me than I am prepared to tell. I am entitled to privacy.

So is he - and I wouldn't dump him if it came to light that he had had 2 or 3 gay experiences post his (also long) marriage.

Society judges bisexual men so much more harshly than bisexual women.

It's hardly a suprise that someone coming out of a 23 year relationship, that they entered very young, might like to tick off a few things they hadn't done but were curious about. He was single at the time.

Between my last serious relationship and my current one I went a bit wild and had a few ONS, 3somes, swapping experiences etc. When I was ready to start dating again I was at a different place in my life and I didn't feel I needed to share details of my history with potential partners.

The fact he wanted to tell you perhaps suggests that he feels your relationship is becoming more serious and he doesn't want to take this 'secret' into the relationship. That he needed to drink before he could tell you suggests he feels some shame or fears your judgement. This could be a wonderful opportunity to really talk and find out more about him.

And at the end of the day I "put up with" a thing that would be a deal breaker for a lot of people and that his previous partners ended up breaking up with him for.

4 year (almost) in and it doesn't bother me and I can't imagine breaking up with him over it. Am I a better person than those previous partners or are we all just different?

I just don't judge anyone in general - I try very hard not to - and I certainly wouldn't dump someone for sexual activities they had before I met them.

He has said so though, last night.

Im on the same lines as a pp in that it would kill any sexual attraction for me, and I wouldn’t go too deeply into trying to analyse why, it just would.

But OP take the time you need to think your feelings through, this is quite a big deal. You might be OK with it, but really make sure and allow yourself to think whatever suits you.

Maybe start your own thread, this one isn’t about you and your relationship.

People are different. I like to know about my partner’s sexual past and to know they know about mine and that we are both comfortable and happy with that. So I have always asked partners and then decide if I’m comfortable with their answers. That doesn’t mean I feel I’m entitled to know everything about their sexual past. But if they don’t want to share enough for me to feel comfortable having sex with them then it’s just not happening. I have never had a one night stand and never would for similar reasons. It would be impossible for me to relax and enjoy it.
Other people don’t want to talk about past sexual experiences and don’t want to know about their partner’s past experiences. There’s nothing wrong with this viewpoint either.
The only thing you’re being unreasonable about is wanting your partner to be comfortable with specific elements of your sexual past without him knowing about it. Actually, unreasonable isn’t the right word. Illogical is. If you want to know for sure that he’s fine being with a woman who has slept with women and considers herself bisexual then you have to tell him about it. If you’re fine knowing he wants to be with you and either doesn’t feel he needs to know anything about your sexual past or actively doesn’t want to know anything about your sexual past then that’s absolutely fine too!

No, it’s not biphobic, no one is duty bound to date someone who is bi, people aren’t forced to find it attractive. I say that as a bi woman. It would be entitled for me to insist no one could reject me because they don’t want to be with a bisexual woman.

Do you understand there’s a difference between being repelled, hateful, disgusted etc, and just not wanting to date someone who is bi because you’d rather your partner was straight? Straight people are entitled to their own sexual preferences too.

I don't care whether my partner is fine with it or not. It's completely irrelevant to my relationship with him.

Why do I need to start my own thread? I'm literally answering the op - it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. To me it's completely irrelevant to my relationship with the person I'm with now.

I'm not sure how that is illogical. I don't care how many partners of whatever sex my OH has had. I've never asked - because it's irrelevant.

Surely though if you want to be in a long term committed relationship you want to be honest with each other? i don't understand how anyone can be in a long term sexual relationship and not be honest about their history and preferences. I find it really confusing that you equate not discussing your sexual history with privacy??? Sex means intimacy for most people unless you are someone who is capable of sex with no emotional attachment (which can lead to cheating) . and i really don't understand anyone who thinks keeping a history of sex with other men from the woman you are sleeping with is ok? Surely you are then keeping a part of who you are from the person you may be falling in love with ....love includes embracing all aspects of the other person not keeping part of you secret?? Although you describe your DP as a "current partner" so i presume he is not your life partner which may explain your thinking and perhaps you have never been in love or otherwise are holding back your full self from relationships.

No you’re not, every post is about you and your relationship.

I describe him as my current partner to differentiate him from my ex husband and also to make clear that I see him as a partner? A life partner? Why is that the wrong thing to do?

I don't need to tell anyone anything about my previous sexual history. It's literally none of their business and irrelevant.

My partner (as in, my current partner, not my past ex) has never asked me about my history either - if he asked I would be honest, but he's never asked me and I've never asked him

I'm very capable of sex without intimacy. Sex for sex sake. But I've made a promise to my partner to be exclusive and I will not cheat on him. I would never do that. The one does not, in my experience, lead to the other?

illuminating thread.
there are plenty of threads started by women saying they are bi or bi curious yet never are there 7 pages of posts telling her he partner needs to be informed

its also idiotic how many people seem to think a man can only be straight or gay.

no question though bi sexual men are treated very differently to bi sexual women

Pncr, to bring this back to OP’s dilemma.
He TOLD her. He clearly decided, perhaps only because he was drunk, that he wanted her to know about hooking up with men on grindr before they met. So it’s not a huge leap to assume he wanted her to know and be fine with it. Now she knows. And she isn’t fine with it. That’s not bigoted on her part. It just is. This knowledge seems to have affected her sexual attraction to him.

I have never said she was bigoted?