Page 8 | Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

Blushingm · 2023-03-30T16:28:33+00:00

Been with bf a year. We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions. He was married 23 years - met her at 18 I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men? He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her) I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

Naunet · 31/03/2023 09:39

XVII · 31/03/2023 09:31

illuminating thread.
there are plenty of threads started by women saying they are bi or bi curious yet never are there 7 pages of posts telling her he partner needs to be informed

its also idiotic how many people seem to think a man can only be straight or gay.

no question though bi sexual men are treated very differently to bi sexual women

No they aren’t really. I’ve encountered many men who either don’t want a bisexual girlfriend, or do, but only because they think it’s means they can have a threesome. Many lesbians also don’t want to date bi women, for valid reasons in my view. Female sexuality isn’t taken as seriously as male sexuality, most men think bi women will still want a cock at the end of the day, so they don’t feel threatened, it’s just porn fodder for them. Women don’t tend to fetishise men’s sexuality in the same way.

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 09:46

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pncr · 31/03/2023 09:48

You know what? I'm trying to relate. I'm trying to post a viewpoint where I don't think it matters. What's wrong with that?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across wrong but I'm fucking autistic (search my posts) and I often do get tone wrong.

RabbitSocks · 31/03/2023 09:53

Naunet · 31/03/2023 08:10

No, it’s not biphobic, no one is duty bound to date someone who is bi, people aren’t forced to find it attractive. I say that as a bi woman. It would be entitled for me to insist no one could reject me because they don’t want to be with a bisexual woman.

Do you understand there’s a difference between being repelled, hateful, disgusted etc, and just not wanting to date someone who is bi because you’d rather your partner was straight? Straight people are entitled to their own sexual preferences too.

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sigh. This is literally the opposite of what I said. I said she needs to do whatever she is comfort with - for many here that’d be dump him.

but, if this is a deal breaker she needs to understand she has beliefs and feelings about same sex relations. Otherwise she could get a year in and encounter this again. If it’s a real breaker, ask up front.

Naunet · 31/03/2023 09:56

RabbitSocks · 31/03/2023 09:53

sigh. This is literally the opposite of what I said. I said she needs to do whatever she is comfort with - for many here that’d be dump him.

but, if this is a deal breaker she needs to understand she has beliefs and feelings about same sex relations. Otherwise she could get a year in and encounter this again. If it’s a real breaker, ask up front.

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Nope, you did by making this nasty judgement of OP:

It’d be detrimental to him to be with someone who harbours disgust or stereotypes about him too

Naunet · 31/03/2023 09:57

Naunet · 31/03/2023 09:56

Nope, you did by making this nasty judgement of OP:

It’d be detrimental to him to be with someone who harbours disgust or stereotypes about him too

Show quote history

Oh, and this:

It is biphobic. It’s literally saying you are repelled by someone who’s has same sex relations

Alcemeg · 31/03/2023 10:04

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

It would bother me because in healthcare there's a category of men called "MSM" (men who have sex with men) who don't consider themselves gay or bi, but... have sex with men, the way you might pop down the pub for a pint. The fact that he is so blase about revealing this would make wonder if, like many MSM, he doesn't see this as incompatible with a hetero relationship. I guess you could ask, but since MSM are pretty good at keeping a lid on that side of things, I'm not sure I'd trust his answer. Bit of a headfuck really!

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 10:05

Rabbitsocks, the opposite of sexual attraction is not revulsion/disgust.
I have some wonderful non-sexual types of relationships with people in their 60s. My parents for instance. Some people at work I consider mentors and all round wonderful people I enjoy being around.
Does that mean I’m ageist and need to examine my ageist beliefs if there is no fucking way I would sleep with someone in their 60s at my age? If I find the idea of older men sleeping with me or even them wanting to sleep with me deeply deeply unsexy? Nope. Fuck off with that virtue signaling bullshit.

Thighlengthboots · 31/03/2023 10:08

It would bother me a lot. Not because I am grossed out by the idea of two men being together (I dont care about that) but because I would be concerned he isnt being honest with himself about his sexuality. I dont want to fall in love with someone only to find out later on they actually want to be with men and have been suppressing that for whatever reasons (eg social pressure, parental expectations etc)

bawchops · 31/03/2023 10:21

Can't say it would bother me. Everyone is entitled to a past. As long as he isn't still meeting people for hook ups then I don't see any issue

swayingpalmtree · 31/03/2023 10:21

Rabbitsocks, the opposite of sexual attraction is not revulsion/disgust

This. I have zero desire to have sex with my female friends. Doesnt mean I am disgusted by them. I adore them.

SVRT19674 · 31/03/2023 10:22

It would bother me a lot. He is definitely bi or gay. And though being bi he may be totally faithful and it would not be an issue, it would be a turn off for me. Also there is the danger he is just another gay who does not accept his situation and is in need of some female beard to give him "a decent image". You need to have a chat with him and then decide. If it gives you the ick, it gives you the ick. Period.

Whiteroomjoy · 31/03/2023 11:51

Ok, a few Bi people posting here. Question to you…

the concern I have that would make me doubt the seriousness/ long term prospects of relationship would be this: if someone is bi sexual, does sex with different sexes meet entirely different needs and do you achieve sexual satisfaction and urges in different ways? If it is like 2 completely different urges, then how is any relationship ever going to last? Surely that person, to be happy will always want ( even if they don’t Act on it) to be having sex with you and someone the opposite sexas you . It like a sex with just one person will never be enough to keep them happy for rest of their life .

or, is it more true with bisexual people that the body and sex with that body, of the person you fancy/ love is completely unimportant…almost like you simply don’t care how you have sex, you are simply attracted to a certain person regardless of sex and therefore monogamy is no issue at all

I’m genuinely curious, and a ignorant , as to this and how bisexual people feel in monogamous relationships.

TedMullins · 31/03/2023 12:00

Whiteroomjoy · 31/03/2023 11:51

Ok, a few Bi people posting here. Question to you…

the concern I have that would make me doubt the seriousness/ long term prospects of relationship would be this: if someone is bi sexual, does sex with different sexes meet entirely different needs and do you achieve sexual satisfaction and urges in different ways? If it is like 2 completely different urges, then how is any relationship ever going to last? Surely that person, to be happy will always want ( even if they don’t Act on it) to be having sex with you and someone the opposite sexas you . It like a sex with just one person will never be enough to keep them happy for rest of their life .

or, is it more true with bisexual people that the body and sex with that body, of the person you fancy/ love is completely unimportant…almost like you simply don’t care how you have sex, you are simply attracted to a certain person regardless of sex and therefore monogamy is no issue at all

I’m genuinely curious, and a ignorant , as to this and how bisexual people feel in monogamous relationships.

You could say the same about straight people though. Most people have slept with more than one person, and each of those experiences is different, so how do they stay monogamous when one person isn’t giving them everything they could get from other people in bed?

The answer is the same regardless of sexuality - there’s more to a relationship than just sex. Maybe a previous fling was better in bed but largely not a great person, whereas a LTR will have many deeper elements that make it last.

pncr · 31/03/2023 12:01

For me, it's the person I want to have sex with. The act of sex is different with men and women but the turn on for me is what's between their ears, not their legs.

pncr · 31/03/2023 12:03

And what @TedMullins said (so much better than I did)

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 12:04

I wouldn't get involved he is bisexual and could want to go with a man in the future

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 12:06

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

Sorry but that is just ridiculous. A man would not have sex with another man or even go on Grindr unless he was either gay or bi.

pncr · 31/03/2023 12:06

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 12:04

I wouldn't get involved he is bisexual and could want to go with a man in the future

Why do you think a bisexual person is more likely to cheat than a heterosexual person?

Jamieleecurtain · 31/03/2023 12:08

Yes this would put me off. Especially if dropped into conversation without any context added or reassurance offered. You don’t have to have any more reason than that to end things.

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 12:10

Because a woman can not do the things to a man the same as a man can because she hasn't got a penis. I would have thought that was obvious

pncr · 31/03/2023 12:12

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 12:10

Because a woman can not do the things to a man the same as a man can because she hasn't got a penis. I would have thought that was obvious

But every sexual experience is not the same, regardless of the sex if the parties.

Why is a bisexual person inherently more likely to cheat?

I am bi - I have had lesbian sex - but I would never cheat on any partner whether they were male or female (in a situation where we were exclusive)

CrinklyLoveStick · 31/03/2023 12:13

Desperatelywantinganother · 30/03/2023 18:02

They’ll be some posters on soon to tell you you’re a horrible biphobic bigot OP.
But honestly, some things aren’t worth analyzing too hard. It bothers you. It would bother me. I think it might well kill my sexual attraction to a partner stone dead.
It’s not that I have any kind of issue with gay men. Or an issue with bisexual men. I can image them both in happy sexual relationships with other people and I feel nothing negative whatsoever. You do you and all that. But the idea of a man I am having a sexual relationship with also having/having had a sexual relationship with a man is just an instant turn off. Deeply unsexy to me. It’s not very deep and I have no interest in analyzing why I feel that way.
I’d do some version of the ´it’s not you it’s me’ speech and dump him.

This exactly.

Dreamysaurus · 31/03/2023 12:14

It would bother me too. Just be honest from the start.

Well not like "Hi, I'm Matt I'm bi" but more like "So since we've had a few dates I'd like to tell you I'm bisexual before things progress. I respect you and I want to be honest with you" sort of way.

Mypatioisminging · 31/03/2023 12:22

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 18:00

What does he mean hooked up. Just chatted, went on a date or had a sexual relationship. If it's the latter run for the hills. He might well be gay. He needs to sort himself out before he embarks on any new relationships.

It’s Grindr. It’s casual sex.

op he’s gay or bi.