Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU Speeding, don’t know if I should break up with him?

161 replies

Kwbe · 30/03/2023 15:24

My partner got caught speeding (100mph on a motorway) with our child in the car (I wasn’t there). He’s had a court summons for the magistrates but no date yet .

I’m so so angry with him, it was so dangerous and stupid and selfish. And basically it’s made me question our entire relationship and the sort of person/father he is.
Obviously he could face a driving ban, maybe lose his job (he’s a civil servant) and I just don’t understand why he would do this. I feel like he’s just totally chucked away the life we’ve built together.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and I’m so so
unhappy but I still love him (I think) and I just don’t know what to do but I don’t know if I can get over this. And I don’t want to do this all on my own.

AIBU thinking of breaking up? Some have said I’m overreacting but I see it as a massive breach of trust?

OP posts:
taxguru · 30/03/2023 15:28

I'd be the same to be honest. I hate that kind of recklessness. Would be bad enough if he were on his own, but to do that with your child in the car is gross stupidity. I'd be seriously considering whether there's any future in the relationship and also very doubtful about letting him drive my child anywhere in the future too!

Grumpybutfunny · 30/03/2023 15:39

I would say he's stupid but it's not the end of the world. In Germany on some roads it would be legal.

Asummersday · 30/03/2023 15:40

I think you’re over reacting personally

Same1977 · 30/03/2023 15:41

Surely a good conversation is in order?
Speeding isn't the only reckless way people behave on a road.I have a young child and i would have a hard time justifying breaking up a family without making sure my partner understands the seriousness of the situation.
Would it be as easy to leave your partner if you knew you were going to see your child every weekend only?
Talk,explain,warn ,then action if needed.

OhSnakesandBastards · 30/03/2023 15:51

If you've got a newish car, going at 100 is easy to do as it's so smooth, not like in the 90s & 2000s when the car used to shake going over 80!

It wouldn't bother me but each to their own. I regularly realise I'm going over 80 on the motorway & haven't even noticed as I'm just keeping up with the other cars.

mrspinkhat · 30/03/2023 15:53

Dear god and they wonder why so many relationships break down! Have you NEVER done ANYTHING that could potentially have been disastrous? Because if you say 'no' I don't believe you. No sane person would do things deliberately but these things happen. Yes get mad. Yes read him the riot act, but leave your child with a part time father?? Confused

ArcticSkewer · 30/03/2023 15:54

Yes, divorce him.

Then he can drive your child at 100mph half the week and you can't do anything about it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2023 15:58

@mrspinkhat you can't say speeding on the motorway at 100 mph just happened! It was a deliberate act. If it wasn't then he doesn't know how to drive.

I would be absolutely livid at somebody driving my child at that level of speed. They were not putting the child first and that is unforgivable.

And speaking as a driver I find it terrifying when people go that fast. It's always makes me think that someone is completely out of control.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/03/2023 16:00

What were the circumstances?

Driving at 100mph on an empty-ish, well lit motorway in good weather
and visibility is very different to doing 100mph weaving in and out of traffic and aggressively flashing lights at other drivers etc.

I got picked up doing 108mph on the M1 once, I was shocked to realise how fast I was going. Empty roads. Have mended my ways since.

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 16:18

It was a well lit motorway, middle of the day, hood weather, he said he didn’t realise how fast he was going but I don’t believe him.
It’s the fact that he knew the consequences, obviously danger to our child, but also court action, job loss etc and still did it.
He says it was an accident and he won’t do it again, that he doesn’t really know why and didn’t realise. But the thought of him driving our child about is awful now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 16:20

mrspinkhat · 30/03/2023 15:53

Dear god and they wonder why so many relationships break down! Have you NEVER done ANYTHING that could potentially have been disastrous? Because if you say 'no' I don't believe you. No sane person would do things deliberately but these things happen. Yes get mad. Yes read him the riot act, but leave your child with a part time father?? Confused

Of course I’ve done stupid stuff but nothing that could hurt my child or have such dire consequences like that (I dont drive so can’t have done something similar) the situation would be different if our child hadn’t been in the car.

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 30/03/2023 16:22

You're not overreacting. I would be seriously upset if my child was in the car and would think the same as you.

I'm shocked at most of the other responses.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 30/03/2023 16:23

The speed awareness course he will be sent on should wake him up. I don't think he would have done it maliciously would he?

Dozycuntlaters · 30/03/2023 16:24

To be honest I think you are over reacting. Going 100 mph on a motor way is actually quite easy especially if you have a newish decent car as it doesn't feel dangerously fast. You say you have ever done anything that could hurt your child or have dire consequences but the chances of your child being hurt in a car accident driving about town at 30 are probably more likely. If you are going at the legal limit of 70 mph or going at 100 mph and have an accident the results would be pretty much the same so unless you ba your child from ever going over about 10 mph your way of thinking doesn't really make sense.

WhatInFreshHell · 30/03/2023 16:31

I think you're overreacting a little too OP, sorry.

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 16:33

It’s not just a speed awareness at this speed, he has to go to magistrates court, will likely get a driving ban, pay a large fine (which we can’t afford at all) and it’ll go his criminal record as it’s a major traffic offence not a minor one. This is another reason why I’m so upset/angry, it’s got a lot of lasting/knock on effects 😢

OP posts:
ALS94 · 30/03/2023 16:33

I’m surprised by the amount of people that say this isn’t a big deal. I would have the same reaction as you.

Is he generally sensible otherwise? If it truly was a one off then I’d be annoyed but get over it but if he has showed that immaturity and carelessness in the past then I would end it.

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 16:35

No he’s not like that normally at all, he’s been on one speed awareness course before a few years ago and in other aspects no. But I would never have thought he’d do something this reckless and now I’m wondering if he would something like that again and has made me question my trust in him

OP posts:
Same1977 · 30/03/2023 16:35

I once slipped on the last step of the stairs carrying my daughter.I made sure to fall backwards.Hurt my back .The reason it happened was because I wasn't holding to the bannister and was carrying her and a washing basket.
It was reckless and could have ended really badly.Recless situations happen all the time even in home environment.It important to learn your mistakes and not repeat them.Braking up the family won't change the past

pointythings · 30/03/2023 16:35

I think you're overreacting too. 100mph midday on a motorway in good weather? Illegal, absolutely. Dangerous? Nope, not necessarily. As a pp said, in parts of Germany that would be perfectly legal. I wouldn't do it myself, but it's not worth breaking up a family over.

Let him take the consequences and let that be that.

Lovemusic33 · 30/03/2023 16:36

I don’t think I would kick him out for this, yes it was stupid especially with a child in the car, he will likely lose his license unless he can persuade a court that he really can’t live without it.

I have been caught speeding a few times 😬, not doing 100mph though but I did have my dc in the car last time. We all make mistakes and have to face the consequences (for me a speed awareness course and a fine). Losing his licence and possibly his job should stop him from doing it again.

Brefugee · 30/03/2023 16:36

I would say he's stupid but it's not the end of the world. In Germany on some roads it would be legal.

It's ok over here because everyone else can be driving that fast so you won't be driving into the car in front of you or the car behind won't be smacking in to you as much as would happen if everyone else is doing 70mph

GreyCarpet · 30/03/2023 16:42

I'd be furious he'd done it with the child in the car and I'd be really piseed off he'd done it at all but, unless I was looking for am excuse to break up with him, I wouldn't end the relationship over this.

User639762456 · 30/03/2023 16:44

He may get away with 6 points and a hefty fine, was it 100mph or over that.

EyesOnThePies · 30/03/2023 16:50

Is he generally a speeding , reckless driver? Presumably not or you wouldn’t be happy for your D.C. to be in the car in the first place.

To my horror I found myself driving at over 90 recently, on a nearly empty motorway in good conditions. And my car is a mid range mpv. It must be easier in something smooth, quiet and powerful.

Not surprised you are shaken and worried, though. Could he really lose his job?