AIBU Speeding, don’t know if I should break up with him?

[Kwbe]

My partner got caught speeding (100mph on a motorway) with our child in the car (I wasn’t there). He’s had a court summons for the magistrates but no date yet .

I’m so so angry with him, it was so dangerous and stupid and selfish. And basically it’s made me question our entire relationship and the sort of person/father he is.
Obviously he could face a driving ban, maybe lose his job (he’s a civil servant) and I just don’t understand why he would do this. I feel like he’s just totally chucked away the life we’ve built together.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and I’m so so
unhappy but I still love him (I think) and I just don’t know what to do but I don’t know if I can get over this. And I don’t want to do this all on my own.

AIBU thinking of breaking up? Some have said I’m overreacting but I see it as a massive breach of trust?

Yeah it’s a irresponsible ,he was stupid for breaking the speed limit and a shit situation but is it enough to break up a relationship?

no wonder so many marriages end in divorce if people use stupid situations like this to break up!

Thank you that’s a good idea, I hadn’t realised there was a forum for that 😊

@DomesticShortHair

I’m asking why 30 mph = potential divorce.

Presumably because it hugely increases the risk of an accident and also increases the risk of an accident being fatal.

It doesn't matter how good a driver someone is, if they are going at 100mph vs 70mph the control they will have over the consequences of an unexpected event are massively reduced and in some cases would be non existent.

Surely you understand that?

Speeding he’s a prick, but I could get over it. Speeding with my child in the car- no I couldn’t forgive that.

It’s not necessarily significantly greater risk at all. There’s many factors which will determine the level of risk. Are you suggesting that an accident at 70mph won’t be as serious? Or that an accident at 60 in a 30 is always more serious than an accident at 70 on a motorway, even though it’s 10 mph less?

What limits should she apply then, based on the level of speeding? 0-5 mph over: disgruntled tutting. 6-10 mph: Loud sighing, followed by slamming of doors. 11-15 mph: Pack the bags and head off to her mothers for 3 days. 16-20: trial separation? 21+: divorce.

Does that sound better?

Assuming he's not normally a speed merchant, I would be able to move past this but only with his assurance that it wouldn't happen again and ideally practical steps to ensure that. To not realise he's doing over 100 he must have a very powerful car- believe me, you'd know about it in my Polo- and I wonder whether a less powerful but equally safe car might be a better choice for him. Obviously he shouldn't need to switch and should just drive safely anyway but I'm a big believer in making it easy for yourself to do the right thing.

I'd also want a serious discussion about your expectations around driving with DC in the car and I would expect him to agree never to speed again, at all.

Can't advise on the legal side but fwiw a friend's father was convicted of drink driving and kept his CS job.

@DomesticShortHair

It’s not necessarily significantly greater risk at all. There’s many factors which will determine the level of risk. Are you suggesting that an accident at 70mph won’t be as serious? Or that an accident at 60 in a 30 is always more serious than an accident at 70 on a motorway, even though it’s 10 mph less?

If there were two accidents, with exactly the same conditions other than the speed (one being at 70mph and one being at 100mph) then yes the risk is always significantly greater in the accident at 100mph. Im not sure how you can argue otherwise. There would be a greater force of impact, less opportunity for speed to be reduced before impact, less reaction time before impact... the list goes on. It is never safer to crash at 70mph than at 100mph, is it?

When all conditions are the same, an accident at 30mph faster speed always carries a greater risk. Comparing different conditions against each other with the adjustment of 30mph doesn't make sense. It's like saying well driving at 70 is considered safe on a motorway, so why not elsewhere? You have to compare the effect of increased speed in the same conditions.

And as I've said, driving at 100mph versus 70mph when all other conditions are the same, is always significantly more risky. Do you not agree with that?

But this isn't Germany so what they do has no relevance whatsoever. Also as they can do that in Germany, the majority will be driving fast on that motorway. In the U.K. most people won't be driving at 104mph on the motorway. Different situations.

No I don’t agree it’s significantly more risky. I agree there’s an increased risk, but not that it’s significant. If you jump off a building that’s 100 stories high, compared to 150 stories high, then the end result is very similar. Why do you think hitting a stationary truck at 70 mph is ok, but 100 mph isn’t?

@DomesticShortHair

No I don’t agree it’s significantly more risky.

But it is. It absolutely is. Here's a breakdown I found that is based on scientific principles aka facts. Do you believe this to be false despite it being scientifically correct?

An object’s kinetic energy is proportional to its speed squared, which means doubling a car’s speed quadruples its energy. A car going 100 mph therefore has more than twice as much kinetic energy as a car going 70. Similarly, in the time it takes the slower car to stop, the faster car won’t have even slowed to 70 mph.

I agree there’s an increased risk, but not that it’s significant.

Again, it is.

If you jump off a building that’s 100 stories high, compared to 150 stories high, then the end result is very similar.

Yes, because the result is almost certainly death in that situation either way. If you jump or a building that's 2 storeys high vs a building that's 5 storeys high, your injuries are statistically likely to be more serious.

Why do you think hitting a stationary truck at 70 mph is ok, but 100 mph isn’t?

Could you point out where I've said 'hitting a stationary truck at 70mph is ok'? Because j haven't ever said that. Because it would be a ludicrous and incorrect thing to say.

I’d rather a driver crashed into me at 30mph, if it’s a motorway crash, I’d still prefer 70mph to 100mph

if you’re really ok with someone crashing into you doing 30mph more then to me you come across as deranged

obv not having a crash would be better

but having witnessed someone crying please help me do something help me, they’d overtaken us doing approximately 90mph and written of a range rover, and two other cars at the roundabout - it was carnage and others were also hurt 😔 air ambulance the works

Because you're more likely to hit the stationary truck if you're going at 100mph because you're less likely to be able to stop or slow down significantly enough when you're driven so fast. Stopping distance at 100mph is two times the stopping distance at 70mph. I.e. at 70mph it's roughly the length of a football pitch, at 100mph it's roughly the length of 2 football pitches - that's a hell of a long way!

Have you compared the same statistics between 70 mph and 30 mph? Braking distances, reaction times, consequences etc. Sounds like driving at 70 mph on a motorway is incredibly reckless.

Would love your thoughts on this as maybe you weren't aware of the scientific principles that dictate the risk at different speeds.

And also curious as to where you think I've in any way said that hitting a stationery vehicle at 70mph is 'ok'?

However this police officer had they not resigned earlier this month would have been dismissed for gross misconduct

But the officer didn't speed, she drove whilst under the influence and lied. Those are sackable offences for a police officer. My friend is not a police officer, she is a civilian. The same rules do not apply. As they don't to a civil servant. And the op's husband wasn't over the limit. So unless his job was dependant on being able to drive, there's no reason why he should be automatically sacked.

To be honest it is easily done, i motorway drive regularly and when you’re distracted and thinking of other things it is easy to creep up in speed and not be aware. The question is, was it that he was just not paying attention and his speed crept up or was it a need for speed moment where he new he was going at 100 mph. It was silly and stupid but is it really a reason to break your family apart if it is otherwise a happy relationship and what impact will that have on your child.

@crazymare20

To be honest it is easily done, i motorway drive regularly and when you’re distracted and thinking of other things it is easy to creep up in speed and not be aware.

It might be easily done but if you're driving then being distracted and thinking of other things, let alone to the point you're going 100mph with a child in the car, is not acceptable in any way shape or form.

The fact lots of people do it just means lots of people are driving in a selfish and dangerous way, it doesn't make it any less selfish and dangerous.

Some of us have had our lives changed by people driving thoughtlessly / recklessly / dangerously. It is such a selfish offence and so easily preventable.

If you’re distracting and thinking about other things then your not concentrating on driving & definitely shouldn’t be driving at 104mph 🤦‍♀️

I was responding to someone advising that a member of police staff not losing their job for drink driving.

I’m very aware of the difference between the two offences. He’ll probably be fined £500/600 + court costs £150, victim surcharge £114 and 6 penalty points. OP has mentioned that they’re struggling financially, the court should let them pay in instalments.

Try concentrating on your driving, the speedometer and the other vehicles around you rather than other things. You sound like an accident waiting to happen.

So you have never driven on auto pilot. You have consistently concentrated 100% on the road at all times? Never had a conversation with someone in the car? Never thought about one single other thing while being behind the wheel of a car? Honestly we are human beings not robots

Well considering ive been driving for 20 years plus and never had an accident I think your logic is off. But it’s easy to sit on a high horse behind a key board.

You first paragraph pretty much sums up mumsnet

Tbh I would just be annoyed about this, I wouldn't be considering leaving.

Massive overreaction.

Significant proportion of the outside lane on a motorway will be doing 77+ (threshold for points) up to something just less than 96 (threshold for ban rather than points).

Yes it's an offence; yes, it increases risk, but on a dry clear motorway it's not that dangerous. Unlimited stretches of German autobahn are considerably more risky.

Completely fair to be annoyed that he's facing a ban (with the inconvenience that will cause) and the impact of the fine. But not something to break up a family over, unless this is the tip of an iceberg you've not mentioned.