AIBU Speeding, don’t know if I should break up with him?

[Kwbe]

My partner got caught speeding (100mph on a motorway) with our child in the car (I wasn’t there). He’s had a court summons for the magistrates but no date yet .

I’m so so angry with him, it was so dangerous and stupid and selfish. And basically it’s made me question our entire relationship and the sort of person/father he is.
Obviously he could face a driving ban, maybe lose his job (he’s a civil servant) and I just don’t understand why he would do this. I feel like he’s just totally chucked away the life we’ve built together.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and I’m so so
unhappy but I still love him (I think) and I just don’t know what to do but I don’t know if I can get over this. And I don’t want to do this all on my own.

AIBU thinking of breaking up? Some have said I’m overreacting but I see it as a massive breach of trust?

I thought anything over 100mph was an instant ban.

I wouldn't end the relationship but I'd be majorly pissed off.

If child wasn't in the car I would be annoyed at the cost/disruption to our lives and would need to see some form of acknowledgment of the screw up. But with child in car I'd be furious. I don't know if o would leave but equally I'm not sure if I'd trust him much after that

However this police officer had they not resigned earlier this month would have been dismissed for gross misconduct https://www.northants.police.uk/foi-ai/northamptonshire-police/misconduct/outcomes/2023/march/gross-misconduct-hearing-outcome---former-pc-rachel-cantwell/

I wouldn't be happy, it's irresponsible to drive that fast especially with a child in the car. I have no idea why people keep bringing up that it's legal in Germany, that has no relevance and people over there will be doing the same kind of speed. Even if people do around 80mph here, it is still a lot different to 100mph.

If I (I’m assuming) you’re fine with him travelling at 70 mph on a motorway, but considering divorce at 100 mph, what speed does ‘divorce’ kick in? Is it 71 mph? 84? Why do you consider 100 mph to be incredibly dangerous, but 70 mph safe?

What about if it was 60 mph in a 30? I mean, that’s equally illegal, and some would say more dangerous than 100 in a 70 zone. But still 10 mph less than the speed you’re happy with him to travel with your child.

I would be very annoyed and upset OP, it puts your child in danger and 100MPH is way over the speed limit. I'm surprised at the people on here who are minimising it.

At the same time though, divorce seems a very extreme reaction.

What is his attitude towards what he's done?

Is he showing any remorse or any understanding of the danger and what could have happened?

That would be the deciding factor for me. If he's actually reflected and understands what an idiot he's been, fine, but if there's any chance he's going to do it again, I might be considering leaving. You have to keep your child safe.

Hi, thanks for replying. x
Yeah if he’d been doing 60
in a 30 I’d be equally upset and angry, he could have killed someone, he could have killed our child. And there’s the additional consequences here of the fine, ban, maybe job loss etc which massively disrupt our lives. He knew those consequences before he drove that fast, I just can’t get my head round why he’d do it and his explanation is frankly pretty crap.

Why do you consider 100 mph to be incredibly dangerous, but 70 mph safe?

@DomesticShortHair A car going 100mph has twice the kinetic energy of a car going 70mph.

If the car needs to break suddenly, the car going 70mph will have stopped by the time the car going 100mph has slowed to 70.

Sorry but the above comment you made is absolutely inane - of course 70mph is safer than 100mph. The limit is 70 for a reason.

If you are a driver, you might be interested to check this out:

https://www.popularmechanics.com/science/math/a15336363/math-shows-why-speeding-is-so-dangerous/

Hi, thanks for replying.
He’s very remorseful and he’s been proactive about getting a solicitor and has downloaded this app for the car that is basically just an extra speedometer but so I can also see how fast he’s driving.
I just never thought he’d do something so stupid in the first place so I just don’t know if I can trust he won’t do it again, does that make sense?
but I get that when people say even if we split up I’d have no control or knowledge of him driving her about then either.
I just feel like it’s also a self sabotage, we’re struggling for money as is it and we’ve just got back on our feet and then he does this and fs it all up again.

Is this a serious question?
What's the difference between 30mph and 0mph? That's what you're asking...

Please break up with him and put him out of his misery.

Yeah, I get what you're saying.

At the end of the day, only you can decide if this is serious enough for you to end your relationship over. And as you say, it wouldn't actually solve the problem of him driving your child around.

It does sound like he has reflected on it and is remorseful so if this is the only time it's happened and your relationship is otherwise good, personally I'd be inclined to give him another chance. But no one could blame you if you didn't. I think he does need to know how upset you are and fully understand the consequences of his actions.

He should definitely do the speed awareness course if offered, it's very good at highlighting how unsafe it is to even go a small amount above the speed limit.

I’m asking why 30 mph = potential divorce.

It's all relative...
As others have said, he could easily have been in Germany and no-one would have thought anything of it... they're dead either way if they crash at either speed, and a straight, empty motorway like parts of the M1 make it so easy. Why is 100 reckless but not 90 or 80 or even 70? If it had been a straight 30 mph road and he was doing 50, same answer?

I hope to god none of you make any mistakes

driving at 104mph which was 34mph over the legal speed limit isn’t a “mistake”

And if he can make that mistake there's nothing from stopping him making another mistake that kills him, the child, and any one else caught in the crossfire.

Really shocked at some of the replies here. Of course going at 104 mph on the motorway is putting their child at unnecessary risk (and himself and other road users). The speed limit in Germany is totally irrelevant, the roads and way others drive are different. 104 mph in the middle of the day (or anytime) is totally unacceptable. Speed awareness courses are for those going a few miles over, not this. If he has to drive as part of his job he may lose his licence and therefore his job. So yes I would be majorly passed off at his stupidity. Leaving him, I'm not so sure. Would largely depend if he fully realised just how stupid he was I think.

Drink driving is treated differently to speeding.

If he had been drink driving, ops catastrophising about criminal record /dbs check / job loss would be more realistic. So far noone except google has suggested these outcomes.

A lot of German motorways are 130km/h not unlimited... that 80mph. Only the best maintained ones, in good visibility and weather, are unlimited.

I did 100mph once on a German motorway, it took effort even in a modern car.

OP I notice a few posters clearly trying to feed your anxiety. For example providing a link to a police officer losing their job - for drink driving, a totally different offence. Or telling you he has a history of reckless behaviour because he also did 33 in a 30.

103 is not great. He may get a short ban, of few months. It will cost you money. He wasn't drunk, he hasn't been charged with careless or reckless driving has he? Just speeding?

I work in the public sector and deal with HR stuff at times including misconduct. He won't lose his job because he doesn't need to drive for it. It won't affect his DBS unless he is a driver as part of work. The DBS check is to see if he poses a risk to others in his job role. He may have to declare it on some job applications for a while but I doubt it would make a difference to him being interviewed if the job wasn't driving.

He has passed probation so all the rights of his permanent? contract are in effect. Trust me, if one of my team had done this, as their manager I too would have said "keep me informed" but I'd be more about checking on well-being and impact of court and fine on them not looking to dismiss because I'd have no grounds to. If they sat in front of me and were sincerely remorseful I'd be sympathetic. If they laughed it off I'd be concerned about character but still could not sack them. How do you think he was with his manager?

Oh and How recent the probation ended is irrelevant. Once passed, you have passed.

You are right to be angry but give yourself and him some time and try not to catastrophise it all. Don't let 'what if' worries take the place of considered decision making and looking at the other aspects of all of this.

Has he made a sincere apology to you? Is he willing to find ways to pay the fine such as give up a hobby for a while, sell the X Box or whatever he can? Is he a good Dad. A good person who has done a bad thing. To end the relationship does seem very final.

Actually, thinking about it, several people in my work have been through similar. It was obviously totally irrelevant to their (non driving) jobs and we all get regular enhanced dbs.
It's expensive - I think it's probably a good investment to pay for legal representation in court - plus the fine. None were banned even though just over 100. Was a few years ago though.
We've also had someone pulled over for driving with no insurance (auto renew had failed). No big deal from a work pov.

I would hit the roof if H got 3 points on his license (he is fully aware of this). It would cost hundreds in extra insurance until they come off.

But losing a licence, job, court. Oh my fucking jesus christ.

I would be fucking furious.

But would I split up with him?
Probably not.
But there would be some non-negotiable terms and conditions.

I agree with all of this and also think it would be a good idea if the DH maybe sold some hobby stuff or went without something he personally wanted so he was the one going without to pay the fine rather than the family

OP,
Suggest you repost on the Legal Matters board as you'll get some factual advise with regards to the probable outcomes on the speeding offence on there.

Sorry, I mean advice!