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Original poster

AIBU Speeding, don’t know if I should break up with him?

161 replies

Kwbe · 30/03/2023 15:24

My partner got caught speeding (100mph on a motorway) with our child in the car (I wasn’t there). He’s had a court summons for the magistrates but no date yet .

I’m so so angry with him, it was so dangerous and stupid and selfish. And basically it’s made me question our entire relationship and the sort of person/father he is.
Obviously he could face a driving ban, maybe lose his job (he’s a civil servant) and I just don’t understand why he would do this. I feel like he’s just totally chucked away the life we’ve built together.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and I’m so so
unhappy but I still love him (I think) and I just don’t know what to do but I don’t know if I can get over this. And I don’t want to do this all on my own.

AIBU thinking of breaking up? Some have said I’m overreacting but I see it as a massive breach of trust?

OP posts:
Mixkle · 30/03/2023 16:50

You’re massively overreacting.

He is not going to get a driving ban or lose his job. He will get a fine and a safety course or some points on his license.

Most cars drive at 90-100 on UK motorways, well they do in South-East and Midlands, anyway. I’m not saying it’s ok, but they do. When I drive at 70mph I find it very stressful with other drivers constantly tailgating me, beeping, flashing lights, overtaking etc. Driving consistently at 70mph on UK motorways isn’t easy.

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 16:51

I’m not sure on the job but yeah he could I think, he doesn’t need to drive for work but it does go on your criminal record and he has to have a dbs check for his job

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 16:53

User639762456 · 30/03/2023 16:44

He may get away with 6 points and a hefty fine, was it 100mph or over that.

It was 104 he was going I think

OP posts:
Grumpybutfunny · 30/03/2023 16:54

Brefugee · 30/03/2023 16:36

I would say he's stupid but it's not the end of the world. In Germany on some roads it would be legal.

It's ok over here because everyone else can be driving that fast so you won't be driving into the car in front of you or the car behind won't be smacking in to you as much as would happen if everyone else is doing 70mph

Very few people are doing 70 in the outside lane over here either 😉 even sitting at 80 on a long run has people over taking you.....it's just not legal here

Oblomov23 · 30/03/2023 16:54

Complete overreaction. Not ideal. 6 points and a fine. That's it.

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 16:55

Oblomov23 · 30/03/2023 16:54

Complete overreaction. Not ideal. 6 points and a fine. That's it.

When I looked online though it wasn’t just 6 points or a fine for doing over 100, he’s got to go to court etc and it says he’ll likely be banned with a hefty fine at the very least?

OP posts:
TenoringBehind · 30/03/2023 16:57

I understand why you’re upset. I would make it clear to him that you don’t want him to drive over 70 when your daughter is in the car. Obviously you don’t want him to do it at any other time either.

i would expect a 56 day ban and a fine of at least £1000 (probably closer to the full £2500) plus 6 points.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/03/2023 16:58

Very irresponsible and hopefully he’ll go on a speed awareness course to help him understand the risks.
i doubt he’d lose his job over it though, unless he drives for a living, and even then he’ll probably be ok unless he actually loses his licence.

User639762456 · 30/03/2023 16:59

He would have to go to court anyway for anything that wasn't within the 3 points category, Andy Burnham was in the news recently for doing 78 in a 40 on the motorway, he got 6 points and a hefty fine. He may still just get 6 points and a fine.

ArcticSkewer · 30/03/2023 16:59

Has his solicitor told him he will get a criminal record for this?

User639762456 · 30/03/2023 17:00

Fine is calculated on your weekly earnings and there will be guidelines to follow

AutisticLegoLover · 30/03/2023 17:01

You say he's previously done a speed awareness course? A judge will be very unimpressed with that because it shows he's not learnt his lesson the first time and with a child in the car too.

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 17:02

AutisticLegoLover · 30/03/2023 17:01

You say he's previously done a speed awareness course? A judge will be very unimpressed with that because it shows he's not learnt his lesson the first time and with a child in the car too.

Yeah a few years ago now, he was doing something like 33 in a 30 ( I could be wrong as it was ages ago) and so did the course

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 17:03

ArcticSkewer · 30/03/2023 16:59

Has his solicitor told him he will get a criminal record for this?

Well he’s contacted a couple and they and they’ve not really said either way but on the gov.uk website it does say it classes as a major traffic offence so would on a criminal record, not sure if it depends what the magistrates court decide on that or if it’s a dead cert that it will.

OP posts:
GeminiRising · 30/03/2023 17:03

Oblomov23 · 30/03/2023 16:54

Complete overreaction. Not ideal. 6 points and a fine. That's it.

"According to the Magistrates' Court Sentencing Guidelines, a person travelling in excess of 100mph is automatically at risk of a driving ban. You will also be sent to court for the magistrates to decide how long to ban you for"

https://www.majlaw.co.uk/tools/news/speeding/will-you-get-banned-for-driving-over-100mph-free-legal-advice/

He was doing 103mph. Not really an overreaction.

Will you get banned for driving over 100mph? | Free Legal Advice

Will you get banned for driving over 100mph? Unfortunately the answer is usually yes. According to the Magistrates' Court Sentencing Guidelines, a person travelling in excess of 100mph is…

https://www.majlaw.co.uk/tools/news/speeding/will-you-get-banned-for-driving-over-100mph-free-legal-advice/

Lightningrain · 30/03/2023 17:04

I agree it’s a bit of an overreaction. If you don’t drive you won’t realise how easy it is to suddenly realise you’re going over the speed limit on a quiet motorway. As others have said, decent, modern cars don’t give the impression you’re going fast like older cars did. If you watch others on the motorway you can see that it’s extremely common for others to be racing past if you’re doing 70.

I’m not condoning it but I don’t think it’s worth throwing away your marriage and your daughter’s relationship with her father if he’s otherwise a good husband and dad.

He will go to court but if he needs to drive for work and has a family to support he likely won’t get a ban. It will be points, a fine and hopefully a lesson learnt!

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 17:06

Lightningrain · 30/03/2023 17:04

I agree it’s a bit of an overreaction. If you don’t drive you won’t realise how easy it is to suddenly realise you’re going over the speed limit on a quiet motorway. As others have said, decent, modern cars don’t give the impression you’re going fast like older cars did. If you watch others on the motorway you can see that it’s extremely common for others to be racing past if you’re doing 70.

I’m not condoning it but I don’t think it’s worth throwing away your marriage and your daughter’s relationship with her father if he’s otherwise a good husband and dad.

He will go to court but if he needs to drive for work and has a family to support he likely won’t get a ban. It will be points, a fine and hopefully a lesson learnt!

Thanks 😊
he doesn’t need to drive for work but does need to be able to get our child to my mums as we rely on her for childcare, she doesn’t live even vaguely near a bus route and she can’t drive and neither can I so he’s the only way to get her there, otherwise neither of us would be able to work

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 30/03/2023 17:06

Kwbe · 30/03/2023 17:03

Well he’s contacted a couple and they and they’ve not really said either way but on the gov.uk website it does say it classes as a major traffic offence so would on a criminal record, not sure if it depends what the magistrates court decide on that or if it’s a dead cert that it will.

Show quote history

Then you are totally catastrophising this. I'd add the whole 'split up a family' to this list of catastrophies you are drawing up.

runforyourdog · 30/03/2023 17:13

I'd be pissed off but would not at all think about splitting up over this!!!

JE17 · 30/03/2023 17:17

runforyourdog · 30/03/2023 17:13

I'd be pissed off but would not at all think about splitting up over this!!!

I agree with this. Are you unhappy with other aspects of the relationship?

ditalini · 30/03/2023 17:19

I would be furious, but no it wouldn't cross my mind for a second to leave my husband for this.

gogohmm · 30/03/2023 17:21

To be honest I would be annoyed but it's hardly end of relationship level annoyance. I admit I've driven in the 90's Confused and 135mph in Germany (completely legal) with my kids in the car (and exh was there too, he also drove that fast). Last summer dp had the motorcycle up to 150mphBlush

gogohmm · 30/03/2023 17:21

In Germany that is

Sunset6 · 30/03/2023 17:23

He’ll learn his lesson from the punishment coming his way - it’s fair enough that you’re pissed off with him but splitting up would be a big overreaction.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 17:23

My dh collected me and dc from a relative's house. He smelled of drink but had come from work (in a bar). Evident he was drunk.. He got us home eventually.. Then we rowed and he left. I rang the police. He was arrested.. Banned for 2 years. I filed for divorce the day after that Sunday.. No regrets..
Get rid op. Before he kills someone.