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Original poster

AIBU Speeding, don’t know if I should break up with him?

161 replies

Kwbe · 30/03/2023 15:24

My partner got caught speeding (100mph on a motorway) with our child in the car (I wasn’t there). He’s had a court summons for the magistrates but no date yet .

I’m so so angry with him, it was so dangerous and stupid and selfish. And basically it’s made me question our entire relationship and the sort of person/father he is.
Obviously he could face a driving ban, maybe lose his job (he’s a civil servant) and I just don’t understand why he would do this. I feel like he’s just totally chucked away the life we’ve built together.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and I’m so so
unhappy but I still love him (I think) and I just don’t know what to do but I don’t know if I can get over this. And I don’t want to do this all on my own.

AIBU thinking of breaking up? Some have said I’m overreacting but I see it as a massive breach of trust?

OP posts:
Keeween · 30/03/2023 19:09

I’d be pretty pissed off if DH was caught going 105mph on a motorway, but it wouldn’t even cross my mind to divorce him over it. I’d give him a fair cussing and move on. Any issues arising from his stupidity and the consequences thereafter would be dealt with by him and I wouldn’t want to hear about them.

Dovet · 30/03/2023 19:31

Husband of a friend of mine got banned for doing over 100mph. 2 months and a big fine. I wouldn’t be impressed either.

Dovet · 30/03/2023 19:34

This most of the motorway is going over 80/90 is bullshit. I drive as part of my job and that’s just not true. Some do but it’s not the majority. It’s almost impossible to drive at those speeds most of the times in the UK with the number of lorries on the roads.

Original poster
Kwbe · 30/03/2023 19:52

Hi,

thanks for your replies everyone.
so just some more details/to answer a few questions;

  • he’s told work and his line manager has just said to keep him informed, so dunno what will happen there. He just has a regular dbs and doesn’t drive for work but still, he’s only just passed his probation there.
  • I feel constantly anxious about what will happen,
  • we’ve no other way to get her to my mum for childcare during the week, so I think I’d basically have to move back in with my mum or get taxis there and back every day, which we can’t afford
  • we also can’t afford a fine as we’re struggling financially as it is.
  • Before this I would have said he was a great dad, but I can’t get out of my head what the consequences could have been.
  • our relationship has been good on the whole, we’ve a one year old who hardly sleeps so intimacy is basically none existence but otherwise we get along very well. However now I can hardly look at him and every time he does something lovely and sweet with our child I just think again of what could have happened.
  • he’s spoken to a solicitor who said it could be up to six months until he gets a court date and I feel like in a limbo at the moment. Solicitor has said he definitely will need to go to court.
  • just a speeding offence as far as I’m aware
  • this prompted me to start driving lessons (a relative is kindly helping out with the cost) but I’ll be honest, I hate driving, it makes so so nervous, so it’s going to take awhile to pass my test

thanks again x

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 30/03/2023 19:57

this prompted me to start driving lessons

Every cloud then, eh?

Lots of us found driving nerve wracking. I had lessons for 2 years before I felt ready taken test and drive alone and I hated it for years. I don't love it now but I saw it as a necessary evil.

I'm no more capable than you.

tothelefttotheleft · 30/03/2023 20:17

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 17:23

My dh collected me and dc from a relative's house. He smelled of drink but had come from work (in a bar). Evident he was drunk.. He got us home eventually.. Then we rowed and he left. I rang the police. He was arrested.. Banned for 2 years. I filed for divorce the day after that Sunday.. No regrets..
Get rid op. Before he kills someone.

Why was it ok to drive you home drunk but then not drive after?

ArcticSkewer · 30/03/2023 20:29

Op, you sound like you are struggling with anxiety tbh. There's a lot of catastrophising going on eg the dbs check - it really isn't usually a criminal offence in that sense. And the repeated thinking of 'what could have happened' - he hasn't been in an accident, he was just caught speeding. Were you already struggling with post natal anxiety?

It's definitely going to be expensive but you have six months to save up. Driving lessons are a great idea.

piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 20:56

OhSnakesandBastards · 30/03/2023 15:51

If you've got a newish car, going at 100 is easy to do as it's so smooth, not like in the 90s & 2000s when the car used to shake going over 80!

It wouldn't bother me but each to their own. I regularly realise I'm going over 80 on the motorway & haven't even noticed as I'm just keeping up with the other cars.

If you don't even know what speed you're going when you're driving, then you're a poor driver.

piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 20:58

Same1977 · 30/03/2023 16:35

I once slipped on the last step of the stairs carrying my daughter.I made sure to fall backwards.Hurt my back .The reason it happened was because I wasn't holding to the bannister and was carrying her and a washing basket.
It was reckless and could have ended really badly.Recless situations happen all the time even in home environment.It important to learn your mistakes and not repeat them.Braking up the family won't change the past

Choosing to drive at 100 Is totally different to an accidental slip.

piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 21:02

Most cars drive at 90-100 on UK motorways, well they do in South-East and Midlands, anyway. I’m not saying it’s ok, but they do.

🙄 No, they don't. Most of the time motorways are too busy to do that sort of speed, but 'most' people really don't travel that fast.

When I drive at 70mph I find it very stressful with other drivers constantly tailgating me, beeping, flashing lights, overtaking etc.

Well, that's the point of a motorway?? You can overtake people? What lane are you in if you're being tailgated and people beep at you??

Purpleberet · 30/03/2023 21:06

I think it’s a shockingly reckless thing to drive so carelessly with a child in the car. But not a relationship ending offence.

I am really shocked at the number of people on this thread who are minimising the level of speeding and saying how easy it is to do -sure, if you’re barely paying attention, and that’s the worrying thing! If you haven’t noticed you’re speeding excessively, what else might you not notice 🤨

piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 21:09

I'm horrified by the number of people on this thread who accidentally do 80, 90, 100 without realising it. That's really shit driving. If you have no idea how fast you're going, how do you expect you'd react in an emergency situation??

And the op who did 135mph on an autobahn with her kids in the car - well, more fool you. You have presumably no experience of driving that far but thought you could, just because it's legal? Bonkers.

How would you lot feel if one of your loved ones was killed by a driver who was going at 90 and used as their defence 'I had no idea I was going so fast! Modern cars are so powerful!' 🙄

That's no excuse.

Parroteets · 30/03/2023 21:18

piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 21:09

I'm horrified by the number of people on this thread who accidentally do 80, 90, 100 without realising it. That's really shit driving. If you have no idea how fast you're going, how do you expect you'd react in an emergency situation??

And the op who did 135mph on an autobahn with her kids in the car - well, more fool you. You have presumably no experience of driving that far but thought you could, just because it's legal? Bonkers.

How would you lot feel if one of your loved ones was killed by a driver who was going at 90 and used as their defence 'I had no idea I was going so fast! Modern cars are so powerful!' 🙄

That's no excuse.

Agree.
Many cars have cruise control, use it! If your speed is regularly creeping up' to 100 mph then you really are a shite driver. There really isn't any excuse.

whirlyhead · 30/03/2023 21:18

My partner is a professionally trained driver (had an instructor who trained princes William and Harry, plus he rally drives) who frequently does 100 and I’m not terribly bothered by it. He has been trained to watch the roads and other drivers and is actually incredibly careful (never had an accident that he caused though he has been hit by other people when he was stationery). I feel a lot safer with him speeding than I do with most people doing under the speed limit. But the majority of people do not drive well enough to speed!

tobi21 · 30/03/2023 21:41

cannot understand the people saying you are overreacting, the risk to life on impact of that speed is huge, and with your child in the car?! not a chance I would ever let my child in the car with him again

Spottycarousel · 30/03/2023 22:15

tobi21 · 30/03/2023 21:41

cannot understand the people saying you are overreacting, the risk to life on impact of that speed is huge, and with your child in the car?! not a chance I would ever let my child in the car with him again

Yes this. I've never felt so shocked at the majority of responses. Speeding is not OK, never mind at over 100 AND with your dc in the back!

I absolutely would consider breaking up with a partner if he can't keep my child safe in the car.

ComeOnNumber100 · 30/03/2023 22:33

whirlyhead · 30/03/2023 21:18

My partner is a professionally trained driver (had an instructor who trained princes William and Harry, plus he rally drives) who frequently does 100 and I’m not terribly bothered by it. He has been trained to watch the roads and other drivers and is actually incredibly careful (never had an accident that he caused though he has been hit by other people when he was stationery). I feel a lot safer with him speeding than I do with most people doing under the speed limit. But the majority of people do not drive well enough to speed!

It wouldn’t matter if you were married to Lewis Hamilton. They aren’t the only person on the roads, it’s not difficult to understand. Trust me when I say that at that speed if the actions of another driver that can’t react quickly enough causes a collision resulting in the death of the drivers or passengers your partner’s professional training won’t be any comfort.

ClareBlue · 31/03/2023 04:01

ditalini · 30/03/2023 17:19

I would be furious, but no it wouldn't cross my mind for a second to leave my husband for this.

Same here. Pissed off with them but it's sort of what partners do every now and then and not breaking up a family situation, in my opinion.

Nightlystroll · 31/03/2023 04:19

I don't know why he'd lose his job. My friend worked as a civilian in the police and lost her licence for drink driving. She didn't lose her job.

It sounds to me like you're spiralling and catastrophising everything. It's a speeding offence on a motorway. No one was injured.

Nightlystroll · 31/03/2023 04:24

I absolutely would consider breaking up with a partner if he can't keep my child safe in the car.

But then wouldn't he just be speeding with the children in the back and his girlfriend in the passenger seat? If it makes you fall out of love with him, fair enough. But as a method of keeping your children safe in the future, it doesn't seem a very sound idea.

somuchtolearnabout · 31/03/2023 04:36

This thread is so eye opening. The amount of people who would genuinely leave their partner over something like this is mind blowing. I hope to god none of you make any mistakes (reckless or otherwise) in the rest of your lifetime! A driving ban is a PITA, but if my husband has such a lack of understanding and compassion that he would divorce me because I lost my driving license and therefore couldn't take the kids to the football class then he's probably not someone I'd want to be with anyway.

YRGAM · 31/03/2023 04:54

somuchtolearnabout · 31/03/2023 04:36

This thread is so eye opening. The amount of people who would genuinely leave their partner over something like this is mind blowing. I hope to god none of you make any mistakes (reckless or otherwise) in the rest of your lifetime! A driving ban is a PITA, but if my husband has such a lack of understanding and compassion that he would divorce me because I lost my driving license and therefore couldn't take the kids to the football class then he's probably not someone I'd want to be with anyway.

I very much doubt any of the posters saying to leave their partner would actually do it, it's easy to tell a user name on a screen to overhaul their life when it's nothing to do with you.

I agree with you you, and personally I'd say that divorcing your partner in this situation, and putting your children into the position of their parents splitting up for essentially no reason, would be about a million times more 'reckless' than doing 100mph on a motorway with them in the car

BlackBarbies · 31/03/2023 05:01

ArcticSkewer · 30/03/2023 15:54

Yes, divorce him.

Then he can drive your child at 100mph half the week and you can't do anything about it.

😂

WTF475878237NC · 31/03/2023 05:09

It wouldn't bother me but each to their own. I regularly realise I'm going over 80 on the motorway & haven't even noticed as I'm just keeping up with the other cars.

^ this poster like so many others on here are shit drivers so of course they're not going to recognise it in someone else.

Good luck with your lessons OP. This guy is clearly reckless given he's already done a speed awareness course so I wouldn't depend on him either.

Gunpowder · 31/03/2023 05:23

Look - 100 is well over the speed limit and I think you are wise not to minimise it. It’s dangerous and reckless and the consequences would have been life changing for lots of people if he’d had an accident. On the other hand, we are human and we make mistakes. I know there are lots of ‘perfect’ people on mumsnet but I think they would be very hard to be or to be married to. How has he reacted? If this has given him a shock, if it’s not part of a usual pattern of behaviour, if he is remorseful and understands it’s serious and isn’t trying to justify it - I would give him a break. We are not robots and one day you might make a mistake too.

I think if a solicitor explains a driving ban will put the family into hardship he might escape a ban? IIRC speeding courses are wiped from one’s record after three years.

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