AIBU Speeding, don’t know if I should break up with him?

[Kwbe]

My partner got caught speeding (100mph on a motorway) with our child in the car (I wasn’t there). He’s had a court summons for the magistrates but no date yet .

I’m so so angry with him, it was so dangerous and stupid and selfish. And basically it’s made me question our entire relationship and the sort of person/father he is.
Obviously he could face a driving ban, maybe lose his job (he’s a civil servant) and I just don’t understand why he would do this. I feel like he’s just totally chucked away the life we’ve built together.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and I’m so so
unhappy but I still love him (I think) and I just don’t know what to do but I don’t know if I can get over this. And I don’t want to do this all on my own.

AIBU thinking of breaking up? Some have said I’m overreacting but I see it as a massive breach of trust?

That depends on the car in question, its weight, maintenance, the quality of the braking system. Those are just averages, and cars are so different from each other as to make those averages essentially meaningless. Plus there is no evidence here either way whether OP's partner left a sufficient stopping distance or not. There might not have been any other cars in the lane within the stopping distance at all.

But this isn't Germany so what they do has no relevance whatsoever

Physics doesn't vary across country borders.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious a large majority will be driving at 95mph (threshold for a ban vs a fine). The physics of doing it across the world doesn't change it's only our attitude that are different.

It's also depends greatly on the car, our family car has vented disk breaks with high quality tyres, I hit the breaks it's going to stop and fast (our car model is used as a police car 😉) even my mini JCW has vented disks. That before you add in the handling so it's staying straight. If we did make contact with something both are solidly built and likely to result in a week of owe that hurts. Years ago I had a ford Ka doing even 80 on the motorway would have been dangerous it was a tin can on wheels with drum breaks that veered off of you breaked hard.

Yeah this is it, and can I stay with someone I don’t trust much.

It kicks in (although we aren’t married) because of the consequences (and of course the dangers, it’s not safe to travel at that speed) afterwards; potential job loss, large fine, massive insurance costs, huge disruption to dc, when we’re just getting back on our feet as well.

im guessing most of the posters saying 100 is nothing, not at all reckless and you are wildly over reacting are male.
Yeah yeah, I’m being unfair to all those poor innocent males who never speed, but I’d bet that’s the case. Nothing makes a groan man whinge more than discussions about speeding/ speeding fines.Taking responsibility for your actions is beyond most people’s comprehension these days.
It was reckless,incredibly ignorant and he will likely pay the price (I hope that he does honestly, sorry but I am sick of other peoples selfish behaviour on the roads). I wouldn’t be looking to divorce him but I’d make sure he knew exactly how I felt and that he understood next time he did it, that would be a dealbreaker. You said he’s had to do a speed awareness course, in that case he’s got form for speeding albeit to a lesser degree.
Personally I’d be get lessons, getting myself a car and driving my child about myself. I wouldn’t trust him to be putting my child’s safety first , apart from the fact that he may lose his license anyway

I can see why you’re upset, but I do think you are being a little OTT. You’re a non-driver and this isn’t an excuse but when you’ve got a newish car that’s a smooth drive you don’t often notice when you’re driving too fast. I’ve never driven at 100mph but I’ve definitely driven over 90, in good dry conditions on a motorway when other cars are driving the same kind of speed. Doesn’t make it right, but I’ve always had good control of the car and always slow down if I feel like I need to.

I doubt he will lose his job. I’m a civil servant but have much higher security clearance and I think something like that we’d just declare and it wouldn’t affect our job, so that would be the end of it. He’s done the right thing speaking to his manager.

Op, I don't know if you answered this already but were you already struggling psychologically before this? You have a very young child and I wondered if you had post natal anxiety.

Your reactions are, to me, spiralling into catastrophising. I see you are still on the 'losing his job' way of thinking. Mumsnet doesn't always help with that as a lot of other posters are also prone to drama and catastrophic thinking. Have you talked to anyone in real life about how you are feeling?

You can't drive. So if you leave, what are your life plans that don't involve him driving your child anywhere? Where is the realism? You're right, it's a bit shit and it will be expensive, definitely the fine should come from his salary not yours, but it's not the end of the world.

None of those factors make it as safe to drive at 100mph as it is to drive at 70mph.

Total over reaction!

But at least it's prompted you to start driving lessons.

I have accidentally done 100mph before, in the same circumstances on a clear road in daylight. It was only very briefly (a few seconds) as my passenger (my dad!) pointed it out. I didn’t intend to do it, never have done since & don’t ever speed otherwise and have never had any points on my licence or had to do a speed awareness course. I was completely mortified and a little frightened at how easy it had been to do.

This is all to say that it is entirely possible your partner did it by accident OP.