AIBU Speeding, don’t know if I should break up with him?

[Kwbe]

My partner got caught speeding (100mph on a motorway) with our child in the car (I wasn’t there). He’s had a court summons for the magistrates but no date yet .

I’m so so angry with him, it was so dangerous and stupid and selfish. And basically it’s made me question our entire relationship and the sort of person/father he is.
Obviously he could face a driving ban, maybe lose his job (he’s a civil servant) and I just don’t understand why he would do this. I feel like he’s just totally chucked away the life we’ve built together.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and I’m so so
unhappy but I still love him (I think) and I just don’t know what to do but I don’t know if I can get over this. And I don’t want to do this all on my own.

AIBU thinking of breaking up? Some have said I’m overreacting but I see it as a massive breach of trust?

104 mph
i can’t believe so many of you are ok with this. You do realise that he was driving at nearly 50% (48.5%) over the limit.
If you’re ok with it then this would be just as acceptable:
30 limit, driving at 44mph
40 limit, driving at 59mph
50 limit, driving at 74mph
60 limit, driving at 89mph
just because cars have improved doesn’t mean that the human controlling it has as well. Generally due to cars being better humans are worse, not paying attention (case in point).

I think you're overreacting. I've crept up to 110 before with my dd in the car and once I realised I've slowed down but it's not that difficult to do in the day on a well spaced out motorway. I'm much more careful now but still do about 80

It isn't difficult to get to those speeds in a good car on a clear quiet motorway.
He should have been paying more attention and will now pay the price in the courts.
Splitting up with him seems a massive overreaction unless he has history of poor judgements?

I totally agree he should accept the consequences btw

So he didn't do it again when he had access to your child?

In some cars it's very easy to get up to 100mph, particularly on empty motorway and going downhill.
I used to do this sometimes when I had a BMW, silent car cocooned from road noise etc.
I now drive a peoplemover and it would implode above 85mph. My daughter old C1 shakes and is noisy even at 60mph.
So if you want to be sure he doesn't get to 100mph get him a 15 year old C1- although I'm not sure on it's safety rating!
Hopefully it's a lesson learned and he won't do it again.

I actually think the motorway speed limit of 70 is far to low for most modern cars these days that we do much more efficient, and should possibly be raised to 80. In a new car it's so easy to drive 80, even faster on a nice bit of motorway and then I clock my speed and come down to between 70 and 80. I'm normally in the 3rd lane of a 4 motorway, cars passing me.

@GeminiRising
Rare. Not that I do those speeds. But 1st time offender, very rare to ban. Fine and points.

@gogohmm

Last summer dp had the motorcycle up to 150mph

Whatever country this is in, and whatever the law is, that's completely reckless. Because no matter how good a driver / biker someone is, going at that speed is unsafe if anything unexpected happens out of your control.

if he’s received a summons unless it’s a Single Justice Procedure notice there will be a court date.

Are you medically able to drive, op?

Now is a good time to get your licence if so. A wake up call on how difficult life could be without access to a car.

Speeding has been “normalised” it’s ok everyone does it, blah blah

5 people a day are killed by drivers & 84 people per day have life changing injuries. Many of those crashes, they’re rarely “accidents” are through illegal driver behaviour

speeding is illegal, the fact you can lose your job etc should be enough to make people realise the consequences of breaking the law 🤷‍♀️

Either way OP you need to learn to drive. Because you are learning how precarious it is to have one driver in the family. Then you can drive your DD at exactly the speed you choose, can't you?

I wouldn't be splitting up over this. I would be cross about the fine and the points. And the inconvenience of a 8-week ban. DH would hear how cross I was. But come on. It's not worth splitting a relationship over.

I think you're massively over reacting too sorry OP.

Unless you're in the slow lane and behind a lorry most of the motorway is going between 80 and 100.

He's been stupid and reckless, but I certainly wouldn't consider breaking up a family because of it.

I highly doubt he'll lose his job if he doesn't need to drive for his employment. IF he gets a ban, it'll be a massive inconvenience (that's the point), and he should learn his lesson.

You need to calm down a bit and actually wait to see what happens.

In the meantime, at the very least, I'd be expecting him to organise everything in terms of travel to childcare, work, weekly shops, etc.

He was going over 100mph with a child in the car.

I don't think most people do that.

It's vanishingly unlikely he'll lose his job for this, unless his employers are looking for a reason to get rid of him.

DBS checks are usually looking for specific things, eg convictions for sex offences or violence if working with vulnerable people, fraud or theft if working in finance, etc. Motoring offences? Not really an issue.

He's going to get a hefty fine and a temporary ban, and his insurance will be eye-watering for the next 4 years. Yes it's very serious, but not, to me, marriage-ending territory.

But not everyone is driving a modern car. OPs DP is bombing along at 104 mph whilst some innocent driver is further down the motorway at 70 because either the traffic is busier or they stick to the limit, it might even be you at 80mph. Mr 104mph has an extended look in the rear view mirror because DC starts crying and as the stopping distance at 104mph is more than double the distance at 70mph he ploughs into the back of your car. I previously commented that cars may be more intelligent but that doesn’t mean drivers are.

You don't get a course for that speed. It's a serious speeding offence

It's court, points/or a short disqualification period ( 4-6 points or a 7-28 day disqualification) as well as a fine.

@Kwbe - as a civil servant he is required under the code if practice to this straightaway to his manager. He's unlikely to lose his job, but will most likely be looking at a demotion or a promotion ban (happened to a colleague who was disqualified for failure to provide a breath specimen).

Speed limits in the UK are unreasonably low and lower than in most countries, for motorways. Was his driving actually dangerous? Or is it just the speed they are prosecuting for?

If in good conditions and a relatively empty road then I don't think your child was in any danger, he probably just didn't realise how fast he was going.

The issue is the consequences which will cause problems for you as a family so you're right to be cross about that and in that sense yes, knowing the law is 70 it was irresponsible, but we all have lapses sometimes. I really don't think it's reasonable to be talking about breaking up with him over one speeding offence, if it's not part of a pattern of behaviour. Seems very OTT!

Speed limits in the UK are unreasonably low and lower than in most countries, for motorways. Was his driving actually dangerous? Or is it just the speed they are prosecuting for?

OP can't judge that as she does not have a licence.

That's a false equivalence. Lower speed limits in residential areas/ roads with sharp bends etc are set at the level they are for very good reasons. 70mph on a motorway in a modern car is very unnecessarily restricted in good driving conditions, and actually worse for fuel economy. Most countries have motorway limits at 80mph+. Obviously breaking the law is not good, and 100mph is very fast. But some posters seem to be blowing it way out of proportion. It's not remotely like doing 44mph in a 30 zone where people will be crossing the road etc.

Presumably if he was he'd be being charged with dangerous driving, not just a speeding offence?

But people are caught driving at 40+mph in a 30 which in their mind is acceptable. There’s no excuse for doing 50% over any limit and yet they still do regardless of being aware that it’s a built up area or a clear stretch of motorway.

I wonder if the posters who are totally OK with it would be just as ok if a relative was involved in an accident due to a speeding driver.

I suspect not.