Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 30/03/2023 06:14

Leave him and wait to hear from him. If you don't you can go check after work

booboo24 · 30/03/2023 06:24

I would probably call one of his friends first and ask if they've heard from him, it may be embarrassing that you'd have to explain why, but it might help. I'm not sure i could leave this all day though incase something has happened, but equally i'd hate to feel like i was losing face by going over there, and if i did take time off work to traipse across London, to find him merely sulking i think it would cause me to end the relationship!

How do you know for sure that his phone is off and he's not just blocked you?

WhenDovesFly · 30/03/2023 06:34

I'd wait until after work and if you've not heard anything by then, go to the flat to check.

If all turns out ok then I personally would be giving more thought to marriage. If he's thinking he can leave all the cleaning and tidying to you, and his way of dealing with conflict is to get cross, flounce off and block you, then he may not be good husband material.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/03/2023 06:36

Leave it. Go to work. The chances of anything having happened to him are very small. He’s sulking.

StylishM · 30/03/2023 06:37

Leave him alone and stop chasing him. You're in the right here and he's got to come to terms with that in his way, if he doesn't, move on. Sounds like a petulant child storming off after being asked to do chores

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:41

booboo24 · 30/03/2023 06:24

I would probably call one of his friends first and ask if they've heard from him, it may be embarrassing that you'd have to explain why, but it might help. I'm not sure i could leave this all day though incase something has happened, but equally i'd hate to feel like i was losing face by going over there, and if i did take time off work to traipse across London, to find him merely sulking i think it would cause me to end the relationship!

How do you know for sure that his phone is off and he's not just blocked you?

I can see the last seen status on WhatsApp and his profile photo still. And also called him but that went to voicemail. But he's never blocked me in all the time I've known him or gone awol like this. And he'd always message even if he was cross to let me know he'd talk later or certainly answer my calls to him. He's hot headed but not petty and it always blows over within 2-3 hours. The argument wasn't particularly bad and I got the impression he was more just tired and grumpy and wanted to be alone rather than mad and wanting to hurt me. It's the phone being switched off for almost 12 hours that's got me worried and no email either in case it's broken.

I've asked my boss if I can wfh and she's agreed. I don't think anyone could have heard from him as he'd have to be online on WhatsApp to contact them and he hasn't been since yesterday afternoon.

OP posts:
TakeMyStrongHand · 30/03/2023 06:43

I think you need to be concerned that he can't have an adult discussion but storms off leaving the situation. We all have arguments but the way people react to them is very telling. I couldn't be bothered with that hassle and I'd be telling him to stay at home.

Obviously hard to say as we didn't see the argument and although your theory is correct, we didn't see how you raised it so it could be 50/50 need for improvement but from your post I'll say he's a child.

SummerintheCity01 · 30/03/2023 06:45

I would probably call around to his place at some stage if you can fit it in around work.

TakeMyStrongHand · 30/03/2023 06:45

In addition there is a 1% chance something has happened to hmm and 99% that he is ignoring you. Don't be too worried

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:47

If he is indeed just fuming, not sure I could accept it. Not just the anxiety now but also the realisation that he is capable of storming off at being asked to do more chores!!! I too can't imagine anything bad has happened but we are in east London so not completely unheard of.

OP posts:
Tanfastic · 30/03/2023 06:57

Maybe he's still asleep. Does he work?

what would happen if he didn't have the luxury of flouncing off to his flat? He'd have to stay and deal with adult stuff like a grown up.

My dh used to sometimes flounce off and it used to piss me off and churn me up but in hindsight it was probably because I'm the type to follow him round the house pecking, not that that makes it right, it's so childish.

I'm sure op that you will hear from him by the end of the day. If it were me I'd hold my nerve. If something has happened to him it's very unlikely.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 30/03/2023 06:57

Since he did tell you he was going back to his flat I would assume that's where he is and try not to worry..
The fact he's turned everything off suggests he really wants to be out off contract which is pretty harsh but may as well leave him to it.
When he comes back you have 2 simple questions,
What was it about this argument that was so unpalatable he had to leave and go offline rather than stay and resolve it
why do his habits of tidiness/cleanliness fall when he's in your home not his own?

Hopefully both of you can stay calm and get to the bottom of those and the reasons will tell you if you have a man child or not

gogohmm · 30/03/2023 07:01

My suspicion is he's gone back to his flat, fallen asleep and his phone is flat because he didn't take his charger

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2023 07:03

He’s probably lost his charger or something. Don’t go over there: just leave it and he’ll text you - not sure this is the best basis for marriage or a long term partnership if he just leaves whenever you argue

Billybagpuss · 30/03/2023 07:09

He’s almost certainly at his flat sulking and as pp say is this the basis for an equal partnership in the future. Wait it out, if you go trying to look for him it is succumbing to what could develop into controlling behaviour.

Tomkirkman · 30/03/2023 07:11

I think for now. Don’t panic. He said he was going back to his flat. There’s no reason to think that anything but that has happened. Or that he is hurt.

But long term, you need to decide if this is the sort of relationship you want.

Was the discussion a productive discussion or was it straight into an argument. No judgement. Because we all do it. Let something build then snap and the other person gets defensive and it results in a huge argument.

If you attempted to have a calm conversation about this and it escalated and he left, if this really what you want. A relationship where you can’t express your needs without him turning it into an huge argument so he can storm off and disappear.

If, maybe, you did snap or start it in an angry manner. Maybe your joint communication needs working on. But even if you worked on yours, do you really believe he would stop disappearing and causing upset, every time you expressed your feelings, if he didn’t like it. It doesn’t sound promising unfortunately.

and it could end in a life time of you ignoring your needs and wants to avoid being in the position. You are now. Worried, anxious and upset. That’s not what you want.

pncr · 30/03/2023 07:12

I wouldn't be planning to marry him.

winningeasy · 30/03/2023 07:12

Pretty selfish of him not to communicate with you. You can't just run away when you're married / have a family. I hope he turns up and is sorry for how he's acted OP.

ChimChimeny · 30/03/2023 07:14

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2023 07:03

He’s probably lost his charger or something. Don’t go over there: just leave it and he’ll text you - not sure this is the best basis for marriage or a long term partnership if he just leaves whenever you argue

I agree, runs off after a petty argument, you'll be walking on Egg shells all the time trying not to upset him in case he disappears while you're at home worrying looking after the kids.

He is basically giving you the finger by not keeping your house clean & tidy when he does his own, he must have a low opinion of you that you have to clear up/clean after him

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 07:15

Won't be able to go over till lunch anyway as I have meetings. Did consider his battery is prob dead but he does have a charger at his and he's an early riser - normally 6.30-7 am even on a rest day and would realise his phone was dead on waking up. He does work but had days off yesterday and today. It just seems such an overblown reaction to a minor domestic squabble that I'm wondering if he was looking for a fight for some reason. I agree, whatever is going on, it's not good.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 30/03/2023 07:23

Agree his charger is probably not working or something but also agree that this is a childish way to be dealing with an argument and would have me questioning the relationship

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:24

Sounds like you've had an argument and he wants space, so has gone home and turned his phone off. Without witnessing the argument/hearing both sides, none of us can say who was in the wrong.
Think you're overreacting and over worrying. He's at home and will call you at some point today.

Just FYI you have to tap on the WhatsApp pic to see if you're blocked. The pic can remain for days. Although I highly doubt you've been blocked.

StopGo · 30/03/2023 07:25

He is punishing you for having had the audacity to pick up on his laziness. I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing the relationship 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Motnight · 30/03/2023 07:28

He is trying to train you to stop disagreeing with him.

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 07:32

He’s trying to scare you to punish you for having the audacity to make him pull his weight. It’s being done to condition you to just do things yourself, and ask nothing of him.