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Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
AngelDelightUK · 30/03/2023 07:32

Has he been on FB? That’s always a go to check for me!!

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 07:33

I just noticed I’ve said alarmist exactly the same as the posters above.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:33

I also think it's worrying how many of you are not allowing this man the freedom to have space. He told her he was going home - he didn't just walk out. I really think if this was a man posting, you'd all have very different opinions.

And yes, of course the better way to behave is to communicate, but when the option is available to get space, I don't see why he is being so vilified.

BeckyBeehive · 30/03/2023 07:35

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:24

Sounds like you've had an argument and he wants space, so has gone home and turned his phone off. Without witnessing the argument/hearing both sides, none of us can say who was in the wrong.
Think you're overreacting and over worrying. He's at home and will call you at some point today.

Just FYI you have to tap on the WhatsApp pic to see if you're blocked. The pic can remain for days. Although I highly doubt you've been blocked.

He hasn't "gone home" he lives with the OP. He's flounced because he lacks the emotional maturity to deal with disagreements in an adult way. Sounds like he does it a lot. A very bad sign OP and you should think seriously before getting financially entangled with him, let alone have children. He won't change.

InFiveMins · 30/03/2023 07:37

Agree with others that he's punishing you for arguing with him by making you worry about him and wondering if he's ok. I'd be seriously reconsidering continuing with the relationship.

amylou8 · 30/03/2023 07:37

I wouldn't be chasing him. The chances that anything untoward has happened is minimal. Does he have to be at work this morning? I'd be seriously questioning my relationship with this toddler.

Mummapenguin20 · 30/03/2023 07:37

Hope he comes back and is safe but this would really annoy me

SherbertDabs · 30/03/2023 07:39

Seems to me that he wants you to worry so you’ll think twice before questioning him again. It’s a classic move, conditioning you to lower your expectations of him. Saying I need space and spending the night alone is fine, going off grid is a manipulative move imo.

MrsRickAstley · 30/03/2023 07:40

I'm not sure this relationship has a future.

Storming off is not a way to resolve any issues.

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 07:43

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:24

Sounds like you've had an argument and he wants space, so has gone home and turned his phone off. Without witnessing the argument/hearing both sides, none of us can say who was in the wrong.
Think you're overreacting and over worrying. He's at home and will call you at some point today.

Just FYI you have to tap on the WhatsApp pic to see if you're blocked. The pic can remain for days. Although I highly doubt you've been blocked.

My worry is whether he actually made it home. In 3 years I've never known him to switch his phone off - he works in a supervisor role in front line emergency services and even on days off checks work emails/WhatsApp in case he needs to respond to something on the work chat. Weirdly something we used to argue about in the early days, his inability to switch off from work. Being uncontactable completely is so out of character. When he wants space he normally tells me so and it's more like a couple of hours rather than overnight. Also his dad is elderly, and lives alone - his phone has one of those apps that buzz him if he's had an emergency, so he's very good at keeping it charged normally. I can't imagine he'd have it switched off and unreachable to his dad too to punish me. He's never struck me as this petty but I guess he might be!!

OP posts:
vitahelp · 30/03/2023 07:44

For me the going off the radar so you will worry and think he has disappeared is the most concerning thing now. He knows you will be afraid and worried yet he is doing it anyway. I'm not sure I could get past that, it really isn't fair and a very immature way of behaving..

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/03/2023 07:45

I’d just leave him full stop. 🚩 all over this. Previously fully able to look after himself and keep his flat clean and tidy. Moves in with you and has himself a servant and storms off when he’s called out in it?
the old adage-if someone tells you who they are; believe them.

I’d be done now before marriage and DC

Suetcrust · 30/03/2023 07:46

The writing’s on the wall OP.
Don’t marry him. He’s had enough. Just lacks the guts to tell you.

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 07:46

He’s probably blocked you temporarily then.

TimeForMeToF1y · 30/03/2023 07:47

AngelDelightUK · 30/03/2023 07:32

Has he been on FB? That’s always a go to check for me!!

How can you check this? I was recently worried about my sibling, all turned out to be fine, I didn't know there was a way to see when someone had been on facebook, that would have been a help for me.

Hopefully OP he's just being childish but definitely something you need to think about for the future

Crumpetdisappointment · 30/03/2023 07:48

no news is good news op

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 30/03/2023 07:49

OP - his phone probably isn’t off. He’s just blocked you on everything.

He’s being pathetic and successfully making you worry to avoid picking up after himself.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:49

Well, this certainly sounds like more unusual phone behaviour. Although you cannot rule out him going home and the charger not being there/not working. It is his day off so he might be less concerned with it being on.

You'll hear from him in the next hour or two. I really would try not to worry about something awful having happened.

Just one thing, you mention another thing you've argued over, are you sure you're comparable?

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:51

Compatible*

ZekeZeke · 30/03/2023 07:56

It's more likely he just blocked you - I'm sure his phone is still on.
How childish of him.

Dery · 30/03/2023 08:01

“Seems to me that he wants you to worry so you’ll think twice before questioning him again. It’s a classic move, conditioning you to lower your expectations of him. Saying I need space and spending the night alone is fine, going off grid is a manipulative move imo.”

This. Flouncing out because you asked him to pull his weight is not a good sign. I think he’s trying to train you not to ask things of him that he doesn’t want to do.

DustyLee123 · 30/03/2023 08:03

Perhaps, in his mind, you’re nagging, so he’s either doing it to shut you up or he’s had enough. I’d leave him alone until he contacts you. And consider if this is how you want your relationship to go.

GreyCarpet · 30/03/2023 08:03

Motnight · 30/03/2023 07:28

He is trying to train you to stop disagreeing with him.

This.

I wouldn't go and check on him.

I'd be planning to do something with my evening too so that you're not available if he wants you.

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 08:04

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:49

Well, this certainly sounds like more unusual phone behaviour. Although you cannot rule out him going home and the charger not being there/not working. It is his day off so he might be less concerned with it being on.

You'll hear from him in the next hour or two. I really would try not to worry about something awful having happened.

Just one thing, you mention another thing you've argued over, are you sure you're comparable?

Just one thing, you mention another thing you've argued over, are you sure you're comparable?

Until yesterday I would have said we were, as other than work-life balance and his recent apathy to house chores, there's been no problems. I assumed he was being lazy about chores because it's my house and I was doing it anyway before he moved in. Definitely something I thought we could fix I.e he'd just agree to do more! I was surprised he stormed out over it, and now really upset at how he's dealing with it. Feels manipulative if indeed what he's doing. So now I'm not sure we are suited if this is how he's going to behave. I've been though a divorce already and have no intention of knowingly walking into another!

Spoke to a friend just now who asked me if this could be him freaking out over moving in permanently I.e giving up his place, and getting married which we discussed would happen this year. And dealing with it very badly. I think that sounds more likely than him trying to get out of chores.

OP posts:
TwinsAndTiramisu · 30/03/2023 08:05

I thought you had a point, until you said he has a day off booked for today.

You had a falling out. He went home. He's having a lie in. Leave him alone. Talk later.

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