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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 30/03/2023 10:17

"Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me"
This made me wonder if you like things a certain way and he is worried he will not live up to your expectations. If he was messy at home I could see why he would not pull his weight.

Climbles · 30/03/2023 10:25

Could you pop over to check he’s okay?
At this point, if he’s just sulking, then I’d be considering whether I wanted be the relationship

IhearyouClemFandango · 30/03/2023 10:25

I'd be worried too OP.

MyriadOfTravels · 30/03/2023 10:31

I dont think you can guess what’s going on.
He night be sulking and ignoring you. Or he might really be in trouble.

Yes he us a grown man. He is also your partner, not a vague friend you only see twice a year.

Have you got hold of one if his friends? Family member?

MyriadOfTravels · 30/03/2023 10:32

Sorry missed your last post somehow!

TheInterceptor · 30/03/2023 10:37

I think he's broken up with you. Lucky escape, OP.

Lavenderdreaming · 30/03/2023 10:42

Tbh I’d be concerned too especially if like you said he needs his phone for his dad and his dad hasn’t heard anything

Brefugee · 30/03/2023 10:43

honestly? why are you even asking. Pack him off back to his flat, and don't marry him ever.
Up to you what you do about the holiday, i wouldn't go, tbh.

Ambertonix · 30/03/2023 10:43

I know it is worrying but i doubt the police will do anything as it hasnt even been 24 hrs yet. If you havent heard anything in a couple of hours i think i would maybe go over there just for my own piece of mind. At this stage, if he is just sulking i would not hesitate to finish the relationship then and there. Do you really need that drama in your life?

pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 10:45

hope he is okay

Dinoboymama · 30/03/2023 10:46

I would be worrying tbh based on what you said. If he was just sulking I would be angry.

There has been alot of men going missing out of the blue near us. One in particular is all over our local news as he was on his way home then didn't make it home.

So things can happen to men to. If it were roles reversed people would be telling a man to go check on his female partner.

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 10:47

OP go over there now. It's not like you're actually getting any work done right now. Better to know.

The fact that he's putting you through the emotional wringer is a massive red flag.

If I were you, once you know he's safe ask him to stay away, no contact, for a week to give you the space to really think about what you want.

tattygrl · 30/03/2023 10:47

I understand why you're worried, OP - it's about how out of character this is, not simply that he hasn't contacted you yet. I hope he's alright. I'd be seriously pissed off if this is an attempt to manipulate you or to make you worry. I hope a simple explanation is soon to come! Flowers

Dinoboymama · 30/03/2023 10:47

Ambertonix · 30/03/2023 10:43

I know it is worrying but i doubt the police will do anything as it hasnt even been 24 hrs yet. If you havent heard anything in a couple of hours i think i would maybe go over there just for my own piece of mind. At this stage, if he is just sulking i would not hesitate to finish the relationship then and there. Do you really need that drama in your life?

The 24 hour mark for missing people is a myth they'd take the circumstances into account then decide what the best course of action is.

CrunchyCarrot · 30/03/2023 10:47

This feels like an escalation of his sulking behaviour. Unacceptable particularly as you say he would also be out of contact with his dad. Certainly if this is true, he's not husband material, he needs to grow up.

nc13467 · 30/03/2023 10:47

In your position I'd be worried too, especially given he'd never have his phone off for his dad.
My priority would be to check he's okay.

Once you know he's fine and assuming he's just been in a toddler style strop/huff id be seriously considering ending it.

Allmyplantsdie · 30/03/2023 10:49

He’s given you hours of worry and anxiety because you asked him to do a few chores? This is so unkind and must be so hard for you. It will also put you off having these conversations in future because you will be worried about his reaction. He shouldn’t be punishing you like this. Unless he comes back with an unprompted almighty apology I’d go apoplectic when he resurfaces.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/03/2023 10:49

He's lived with me for 6 months
He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes.

Wtf? You've only lived together 6 months and he's flounced out several times already? THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!! He's really trying to train you here OP, and since you haven't learnt your lesson from multiple times previously hes REALLY going for it....and all because you asked him to do some chores 😮

lechatnoir · 30/03/2023 10:50

He has a flat so it's not as if he'll have been wondering the streets. He's sulking and I think you are worrying over nothing. Give him space and when he does finally turn up have a proper conversation about the running away AND fair division of chores.
It all sounds totally OTT - he sounds like a dick who is avoiding domestic chores by running away which I just couldn't be doing with but equally would find your level of hassling and need for response really controlling and suffocating.

Ambertonix · 30/03/2023 10:50

@Dinoboymama Ah, i didnt realise that. That is reassuring to know. Thankyou.

pixie5121 · 30/03/2023 10:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Paq · 30/03/2023 10:52

The flouncing is unacceptable. If you've got small children and you flounce then it means you're leaving your partner in the shit.

I'd ask him to move out and go back to dating until he gets his act together.

That said, I hope he is safe.

Laiste · 30/03/2023 10:53

OP - for your own sanity do the grown up thing:

Go now. Check on him.

If he's fine - dump him.

If he's not fine - you'll be glad you went to check and didn't engage in a childish game.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 30/03/2023 10:57

One person's 'flouncing out in a huff' is another person's 'getting some space to think'.

Often those two people are in a relationship.

gannett · 30/03/2023 10:57

From OP's updates it doesn't seem like this is an extended flounce/silent treatment, I think she knows this man better than any of us.

Most likely scenario to me is that he dropped his phone on the bus/tube. Happened to me a couple of times, happened to so many people I know, much more common than getting your phone nicked.

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