Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
Ncfgjdo · 30/03/2023 09:31

I really don't like this at all. You will think I am being dramatic here, but only because I have lived it, and please trust me when I say that this sort of behaviour is controlling and will break you if you allow yourself to be subject to it. My DP at the time used to storm off and refuse to talk to me/ go 'missing' and out of contact with me to the point I was sick with worry. I could never do that to a person; could you? We had young DC at the time and because I responded to the behaviour every single time by worrying sick/ calling him/ looking for him, it got worse to the point of me driving around looking for him in the evening with DC in the car (he had existing mental health problems so I was justified in my worrying, but he was simply using this as a method of manipulating and controlling situations). When I look back I honestly can't believe a human being would put another through that type of worry. Maybe there is an honest explanation here, but if it turns out he has done this for a reaction I would proceed very, very carefully. Look after yourself OP x

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 09:32

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 09:16

Um, I really don’t feel ok about comparing a stropping adult male storming off home and switching off his phone/blocking you because he didn’t want to do any housework, to Sarah Everard and Nicola Bulley…

I don't know he switched his phone off or blocked me though. Well he definitely hasn't blocked me as the WA mesg is a grey tick and I can see his profile/status still. He could have been hit by a car or mugged (we live in the highest crime area of London) or gone into a mental breakdown or run away. The point is it's completely out of character.

As angry as he may be at me, he spent a lot of money on this security system at his dad's house so he could get emergency alerts if for example his dad fell down and couldn't get up. For him to deliberately cut contact with his dad is unthinkable. Not over a daft argument on chores.

I've checked with his dad and there's been no call or message to him either. Not telling him much as I don't want to worry him till I know for sure. He's never lied in till this late either, even on rest days he's up at 7am.

OP posts:
motherofcatsandbears · 30/03/2023 09:36

Leave him to his big sulk. He will come back as if nothing happened.

Ncfgjdo · 30/03/2023 09:37

I should add that You are not the bad person for worrying here, OP and don't be sorry about it. That's the normal reaction of someone who cares about the welfare of another person. If you can't get a hold of him by evening time and it's totally out of character for him, phone the police for a welfare check given the legitimate concerns you have re his dad, not being able to find him etc. I think that's fair enough in the circumstances. And if he's at it- well, he won't be doing that again.

lpeez · 30/03/2023 09:40

I don't think you're wrong to be worried.

However I'm hoping that it's just that he lost or broke his phone/had it stolen.

If it's neither of these I would be making it clear that I will never accept this level of worry again. If it turns out he is having a sulk you need to seriously consider the future of the relationship.

Led921900 · 30/03/2023 09:44

When I have an argument with dh I do need me own space to go off and calm down but he can still contact me in case of emergency.
if it turns out he’s okay and his excuse is ‘innocent’ phone lost battery, was in a different room etc. I’d seriously be considering the relationship.
From the posts on here…. The man baby behaviour gets worse. If he won’t share housework now he won’t if you get married and flouncing off no contact (if he has) is manipulative and cruel about nothing.
if he has let his phone run out of battery that’s such disregard for his Dad. If he’s blocked you it’s very juvenile. (Btw think when you’re blocked think it just has one tick).

SerafinasGoose · 30/03/2023 09:45

FrenchandSaunders · 30/03/2023 06:36

Leave it. Go to work. The chances of anything having happened to him are very small. He’s sulking.

Agreed. You are being punished for daring to make such a reasonable request as to ask him to sort out the household tasks. He's deliberately putting you through worry so you go running after him with apologies to him rather than, as it should be, the other way round.

The goal is to make you less likely to challenge him about his laziness around the house in future.

And it's working. You've already altered your working arrangements for the day.

Let him sweat.

user1492757084 · 30/03/2023 09:46

Call the local coppers to check in on his address to see if he is unwell or has not come home or maybe has had an accident..

Doidontimmm · 30/03/2023 09:46

I’d tell him via all ways you can contact him (just incase he is ignoring) that unless he lets you know he is ok you will be coming to his at lunchtime and if he doesn’t answer will have no option but to either contact his friends/family/police as you are so worried.

EvelynKatie · 30/03/2023 09:50

If you don't hear from him by lunch, go and check on him. If he's fine and phone just ran out of battery then OK, and you can deal with your other issues you've outlined. If he's purposefully ignored you and put you through this, I'm sure you'll agree you're done with this relationship?

PippaF2 · 30/03/2023 09:54

I'd be honest with his Dad. We had a spat last night. He went back to his flat but I haven't heard from him and now I'm getting worried.

Could you check on him and let me know if he's OK. It's fine if he's in a mood with me but I'm really worrying now.

If his Dad says, I've called him - he's fine.

Then you know where you stand. If he doesn't reply to his Dad then you and his Dad can decide what to do next.

ColdHandsHotHead · 30/03/2023 09:57

99% definite he is sulking at you for asking him to do his share of the housework.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can behave like this.

Sugaspunsista · 30/03/2023 09:57

You can be blocked on whatsapp and still see picture and status
You just can't see any updates to pic or status they will always be the ones showing when you were blocked

peachgreen · 30/03/2023 09:58

When I had my phone stolen I wasn't able to contact DO for around 6 hours (at the police station reporting the theft which took AGES, and then I had to get home and access my laptop to get his number). He was pretty frantic with worry by the time I finally got hold of him because it was so out of character for me to not be in touch, and my phone had also been switched off so my messages weren't going through. His first assumption was also that something had happened, because even if we have a row, or if we'd decided to break up, there's no way I would go that long without letting him know I was okay.

I don't think it's unnatural to worry OP and I would want to go and check on him too.

Peachy2005 · 30/03/2023 09:59

What @PippaF2 said. Get his dad to contact him: just say you had a bit of an argument but you want to know he’s ok. I don’t think his dad will automatically think the worst and it’s the quickest and easiest way to check all is fine without chasing around after him.

LadyWindermeresOnlyFans · 30/03/2023 10:00

Is his dad quite vulnerable, given what you say about falls and cameras? Is that one reason why you wouldn't want to ask his dad if he's been in touch, as his dad might get very distressed or not understand? If so, I'd go with what @PippaF2 said but message another relative or friend instead of his dad. Longer term I'd say walk away from the relationship. He's been childish and his laziness will grind you into the ground.

Jellycats4life · 30/03/2023 10:01

Agreeing with everyone who says this sulking behaviour will only escalate (it is escalating) and is a very unsubtle attempt to control you and stop you from complaining about anything.

DancingLeaves · 30/03/2023 10:02

ColdHandsHotHead · 30/03/2023 09:57

99% definite he is sulking at you for asking him to do his share of the housework.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can behave like this.

"I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore."

OP I think you've been given a lucky break here.

You've been given a view into the future with this man, so it's your choice if you want to continue towards this goal.

Is this the life you want, really?

Eeksilon · 30/03/2023 10:03

I can't believe these responses! I'd be worried.

Whatever the situation between you two, or the fall out, you'd have to be a crappy human to not worry about another human in these precise circumstances (never unavailable for contact by his dad would be one, whatsapp messages undelivered/phone off for 15hrs considering his role, another). Go check on him!! IF he's being a twat you can think on the Implications another time - make sure he's OK first!

ScentOfSawdust · 30/03/2023 10:03

“He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.“

This is what stands out to me from your original post. He needs alone time at times of stress or conflict and you have stipulated where and how he gets that alone time; since then he hasn’t been able to clear his head and has presumably been bottling things up.

It was pissing it down last night in London so no surprise that he didn’t go for the long walk that you allow. So he’s gone home and will probably be worrying about your reaction to that on top of the original argument. He needs time alone, so leave him alone.

Jacopo · 30/03/2023 10:04

In your situation I would go to check on him now, because from what you're saying he could be actually ill/hurt. But if it turned out that he was ok, I would dump him. He's not a good long term prospect.

MaryPoppinsHat · 30/03/2023 10:06

If this was me, I would contact the dad, say you had a right and want to check he's ok. Can he try to reach him to check?

If he is ok and is just deliberately sulking and ignoring you, I think that would be the end of the relationship for me. For someone to deliberately make their partner worry is awful.

If his dad can't reach him, then you can call the police and ring around hospitals in the area to check if he's there rather than worrying for the next couple of hours.

MaryPoppinsHat · 30/03/2023 10:09

Fight not right*

bertieb7 · 30/03/2023 10:10

I get you op.. chances are he's fine but in the tiny chance he isnt, you don't want to assume he's fine. I would feel exactly the same way. I would probably contact one of his friends first in case they had heard from him.

CrotchetyQuaver · 30/03/2023 10:16

Leave him be and consider your relationship's future. Living with someone who flounces off in a huff is not great. Territory battles and setting out your expectations of minimum standards of tidiness/cleaning when someone moves in with you are perfectly normal. Him having a paddy and flouncing off in a huff isn't. Leave him to stew, he's all about the drama!