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Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 30/03/2023 08:06

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 07:43

My worry is whether he actually made it home. In 3 years I've never known him to switch his phone off - he works in a supervisor role in front line emergency services and even on days off checks work emails/WhatsApp in case he needs to respond to something on the work chat. Weirdly something we used to argue about in the early days, his inability to switch off from work. Being uncontactable completely is so out of character. When he wants space he normally tells me so and it's more like a couple of hours rather than overnight. Also his dad is elderly, and lives alone - his phone has one of those apps that buzz him if he's had an emergency, so he's very good at keeping it charged normally. I can't imagine he'd have it switched off and unreachable to his dad too to punish me. He's never struck me as this petty but I guess he might be!!

Show quote history

You can read and reply on WA from the preview screen so it doesn't show you as having been online.

I've done it before.

Hrs doing this deliberately because he knows youll be worrying.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

AutisticLegoLover · 30/03/2023 08:10

Yet another emotionally immature man sulking and punishing a woman for daring to expect anything of him. This is unlikely to get better. Don't marry him and certainly don't have children with him. My exH used to do this and in his 40s still does it apparently. Space is one thing, but this is another.

redheadcurl · 30/03/2023 08:11

My son looks like he hasn't been on WhatsApp for days but if I message that his tea is ready he turns up 😆

peachgreen · 30/03/2023 08:11

I would worry if it was my partner too, OP – this would be very out of character for him, no matter how angry he was.

If he’d had his phone stolen would he have a way of contacting you? As in, does he know your number off by heart?

rainbowstardrops · 30/03/2023 08:14

I'm sure all is ok with him and he's just having a flounce but you've said that he always has his phone on for work and for his elderly dad and hasn't left things this long in three years, so I don't blame you for having a nagging feeling that something might have happened to him.
On one hand, I'd want to go round to his to 'check' but on the other hand, I'd be fuming if he was sat there happy as Larry and putting you through this level of worry.
Hopefully he'll contact you soon.

winningeasy · 30/03/2023 08:16

I don't think he has blocked OP.
She can see his profile on WhatsApp and it's going to voicemail when she calls.

It's only 8am, he's likely still asleep!

Whilst I think he is an utter knob for going home because he got asked to stack the dishwasher (or whatever), humans are known to have a lie in - OP said he was very tired 😴

twinklelight · 30/03/2023 08:16

Hope he makes contact soon

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 08:17

You can read and reply on WA from the preview screen so it doesn't show you as having been online.

Wow, I didn't know that!! So he could have been active on WhatsApp messaging work/friends and I wouldn't know. The only reason I was concerned is because it seemed weird of him to cut contact with everyone for this long especially as he doesn't have much to do in his flat anymore. He would have gotten home at 8.30pm yesterday and I wondered how he'd entertain himself, lol. No tv, laptop or even dinner there anymore. WhatsApp is his lifeline as he barely uses FB and has no IG/Twitter.

Now I'm really cross.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 30/03/2023 08:20

Next time you get a WA message, check on your preview. If you drag it down rather than opening it, you get the options of reply, mark as read or mute.

If you click on reply, you can do so without opening the app and it won't show you as being online because you haven't been.

Beantag · 30/03/2023 08:21

I would hate this, I think it's absolutely fine to say I need some space I'm heading back to x place tonight or something, but to storm off and go off grid isn't fair- he must know you'll be worried. I get sometimes we all need space but yeah could just say that and then if he didn't read messages until he was ready at least you'd know he was likely fine. If he's otherwise decent I wouldn't see it as a deal breaker this time (if it became a habit though I would); but does sound like you both need a serious talk about stuff.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 08:21

Leave him to it, he's sulking. Use this time to have a good think about the relationship.

He's lazy and happy to leave the physical and emotional load to you

And he's unable to resolve conflict like a grown adult. If you say something he disagrees with, he walks off, sulks and uses silence to punish you for disagreeing with him.

Sorry op but I'd throw the towel in on this one - holiday if a lifetime or not

redheadcurl · 30/03/2023 08:21

GreyCarpet · 30/03/2023 08:20

Next time you get a WA message, check on your preview. If you drag it down rather than opening it, you get the options of reply, mark as read or mute.

If you click on reply, you can do so without opening the app and it won't show you as being online because you haven't been.

Thank you for that info. I honestly never knew that.

knittingaddict · 30/03/2023 08:29

WhenDovesFly · 30/03/2023 06:34

I'd wait until after work and if you've not heard anything by then, go to the flat to check.

If all turns out ok then I personally would be giving more thought to marriage. If he's thinking he can leave all the cleaning and tidying to you, and his way of dealing with conflict is to get cross, flounce off and block you, then he may not be good husband material.

This.

I wouldn't be rushing over that's for sure. The most likely explanation is that he is sulking and punishing you for daring to have good boundaries. Training you not to stand up for yourself. If he's this manipulative and childish when dealing with issues in a relationship then I would be reconsidering the whole thing. Doesn't bode well for the future.

knittingaddict · 30/03/2023 08:34

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 30/03/2023 07:33

I also think it's worrying how many of you are not allowing this man the freedom to have space. He told her he was going home - he didn't just walk out. I really think if this was a man posting, you'd all have very different opinions.

And yes, of course the better way to behave is to communicate, but when the option is available to get space, I don't see why he is being so vilified.

Because he's left the op hanging and that's not ok. It's not what mature adults do in a relationship. Fine to want space but a quick message to indicate when he will be back in touch is the adult thing to do.

Not to mention the disappearing act because op dared to talk to him about his sadly lacking contribution to the household.

The sex of op and the partner is irrelevant.

Jonei · 30/03/2023 08:38

I'd probably call round op if this is out of character for him. I'd be mighty pissed off if he had just switched the phone off, but I'd still probably check just in case. My DP went AWOL once. Turned out he'd had actually had an accident and was in hospital. It does happen sometimes.

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 08:41

I would definitely go around at lunchtime. If he's fine I'd give massive reconsideration to the relationship.
I'm not sure if you want children but if you do, his reaction to your discussion about chores does not bode well for the mental load and division of parenting labour. Don't set yourself up for a miserable life.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2023 08:43

Red flags all over the place. From both of you.

So he expects you to do all the grunt work, then sulks if you call him out on it.

But you can't leave him alone and keep calling/texting/hassling him.

He hasn't 'gone AWOL' he's just gone home!

I would be seriously rethinking any marriage plans. It doesn't sound as if you're well matched at all.

BTMadmummy · 30/03/2023 08:44

Maybe just give him a few hours @JurassicParkaha. I’m sure he’ll make contact soon. But I do think you need to reconsider your options.

ShandaLear · 30/03/2023 08:46

He’s giving you the silent treatment to punish you and train you not to disagree with him. It’s childish and abusive behaviour. He wants you to worry about him and it’s working. He now wants you to run after him and apologise for your awful behaviour that made the poor little boy run away and you will have to promise not to shout at him ever again and he gets to do whatever the hell he wants. You’re probably already leaving phone and text message telling him you love him and miss him and you’re sorry, and he’ll be lapping it up. It’s manipulative and pathetic. It’s likely a strategy he had used for years to get what he wants. It will get more frequent as the relationship progresses and you’ll end up on tenterhooks second guessing yourself in case you say the wrong thing. It’s also a facet of narcissism (obviously I’m not attempting to diagnose him and I’m not saying he has it, but it might be worth taking a look at the symptoms in case anything else comes to mind. If there are, or if there’s a repeated pattern of behaviour then RUN FOR THE HILLS).

Clymene · 30/03/2023 08:47

I would seriously question the future of your relationship. He's punishing you and hoping you're worried because you've displeased him for daring to raise the fact that he's not pulling his weight around the house.

And this isn't a one off - it's a pattern of behaviour which is escalating.

This is controlling behaviour

TheHouseNextDoor · 30/03/2023 08:49

He's controlling you.

I wouldn't be marrying him.

Be interested to hear what he has to say for himself.

LogicVoid · 30/03/2023 08:49

At a very basic level, in his mind, this is a power struggle; you dared to question his lack of input into joint household running. He is punishing you by withdrawal and rejection.

Let him stew! For goodness sake don't start dancing around him. He needs to shape up or ship out. However - in your situation - I'd be the one chucking him back to the pond. His choice of behaviour is a big red flag and does not indicate good long term partner and potential father material.

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 08:50

But you can't leave him alone and keep calling/texting/hassling him.

His phone is switched off (so it seems) so I can't exactly hassle him? I've called twice in 12 hours and sent one WhatsApp message which is how i know it's going to voicemail.

Actually the WA message has only one grey tick so it hasn't even been delivered. If he's accessing it on preview, it would still have 2 grey ticks wouldn't it - to show its on his phone?? If it's not been delivered in 10 hours or so that means phone has not been turned on at all. There's no way he'd go that long out of contact with his dad.

You really wouldn't be worried about your partner leaving home at 7.30pm and being unreachable/phone switched off till almost 9am and counting the next morning?! Even though he's never done anything like this before?

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 30/03/2023 08:56

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 08:50

But you can't leave him alone and keep calling/texting/hassling him.

His phone is switched off (so it seems) so I can't exactly hassle him? I've called twice in 12 hours and sent one WhatsApp message which is how i know it's going to voicemail.

Actually the WA message has only one grey tick so it hasn't even been delivered. If he's accessing it on preview, it would still have 2 grey ticks wouldn't it - to show its on his phone?? If it's not been delivered in 10 hours or so that means phone has not been turned on at all. There's no way he'd go that long out of contact with his dad.

You really wouldn't be worried about your partner leaving home at 7.30pm and being unreachable/phone switched off till almost 9am and counting the next morning?! Even though he's never done anything like this before?

You aren’t hassling him or anything - I can see why you are concerned if it’s out of character.

As others have said though if it dies turn out to be an escalation of the flouncing off to cool off type behaviour you should seriously reconsider your relationship.

in your OPs you kind of excuse this as him needing space. I’d argue that it’s not very emotionally mature of one person in a relationship not to be able to sit in a room and have a conversation about something basic like chores without leaving the house. It’s a red flag in and of itself.

WimbyAce · 30/03/2023 08:57

If it turns out he has just been giving you the silent treatment I would be really annoyed as you are obvs v worried.

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