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Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 30/03/2023 08:58

Well, unless sometime truest dramas to c has happened to him, the most likely explains that he is in a giant man-baby huff and is enjoying making you worry.

Is he given to throwing himself a pity party? The only upside is that he has fully shown himself to you before you commit to marriage and his flat is rented out.

Minimalme · 30/03/2023 08:59

Also, 'needing space' as regularly as his has is a male version of flouncing off in a sulk.

Felicity42 · 30/03/2023 08:59

He could have blocked your number so it won't let you ring him.
You are mothering him.
He's a 30-something man.

He looked after himself fine before he met you.

He doesn't need you to save him.

Maybe you aren't such a powerful a force in his life as to whether he lives or dies or comes to harm. That's his privilege to have.

He lives at yours like a king being mothered and getting dinners and a shag and keeps his own pad as well. He has options to fuck off home because Mummy asked him to do some hoovering.

knittingaddict · 30/03/2023 09:00

Honestly op,I would be switching between worry and anger. Which wins out in the end depends on what he is actually doing now. I would also treat any eventual explanations from him in a sceptical light. If he says it's depression then he needs to get help. No vague excuses and brushing it under the carpet.

An inability to deal with differences of opinion and issues is a huge problem in a relationship. Best to know now that this is going to be a problem in the future.

Justforlaffs · 30/03/2023 09:01

Stop pandering to this man child. You're being ridiculous, honestly. He's sulking.

Clymene · 30/03/2023 09:04

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2023 08:43

Red flags all over the place. From both of you.

So he expects you to do all the grunt work, then sulks if you call him out on it.

But you can't leave him alone and keep calling/texting/hassling him.

He hasn't 'gone AWOL' he's just gone home!

I would be seriously rethinking any marriage plans. It doesn't sound as if you're well matched at all.

What a load of poppycock. He wants the OP to worry about him. That's the whole point of him storming off in a strop.

Jellifulfruit · 30/03/2023 09:06

Hmm, so strange but I guess I’d just wait until after work to go check (personally£)

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2023 09:09

StopGo · 30/03/2023 07:25

He is punishing you for having had the audacity to pick up on his laziness. I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing the relationship 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I agree with this. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with somebody who punished me for being reasonable.

trytopullyoursocksup · 30/03/2023 09:09

Ok @JurassicParkaha I think this is the big one.

Well, there are two possibilities:
1 - something has befallen him. Very unlikely. but you are worried, fair enough, this silence is out of character.

2 - I think this is the big one. That is - you are showing him that you are serious about partnership and that includes him treating you as an equal partner and not a domestic servant; he is displaying his deeply entrenched belief that male privilege means that he will not be required to do equal domestic work when he is in committed relationship with a woman. He's putting his foot down on this and how you respond to this power play will determine the rest of your life, or at least your relationship together, if any.

The trick is how to rule out 1 without pandering to the power play inherent in the much more likely 2.
At my time of life (not yours, so not much use to you, sorry) I would just fuck him off to be honest. I don't know if you can change men like that to see you as equal domestically. If you can, I don't think you can to so to your own advantage - I think if - IF - he "gets it" the damage of getting there will be so great that his next woman will get the benefit, not you.

Maybe I'm wrong.
be careful

greenthumb13 · 30/03/2023 09:10

I would go check personally as I would be worried too, but if he is ok and didn't have a damn good explanation I'd dump him. You can't marry someone like that, but if he's sorry and does talk like a grown up then try to work it out.

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 09:12

Felicity42 · 30/03/2023 08:59

He could have blocked your number so it won't let you ring him.
You are mothering him.
He's a 30-something man.

He looked after himself fine before he met you.

He doesn't need you to save him.

Maybe you aren't such a powerful a force in his life as to whether he lives or dies or comes to harm. That's his privilege to have.

He lives at yours like a king being mothered and getting dinners and a shag and keeps his own pad as well. He has options to fuck off home because Mummy asked him to do some hoovering.

I don't expect to save him but I'd also be a rubbish partner if I immediately assumed he was only doing this to piss me off, and not even considering that maybe something has happened and he never got home. Both Sarah Everard and Nicola Bulley's partners raised the alarm to police when they couldn't reach them at the expected time, and it was so out of character. Granted he's a man so less likely to have been attacked but he isn't the sort to switch off his phone for over 12 hours - he has responsibilities other than me that would need his phone. He makes all payments using his phone, uses it for travel/shipping everything.

I personally would rather have checked in on him and realised he's been an arse than have the police show up - wondering why I waited quite so long to say anything even though he's never gone awol before. Not something I want to have to explain to his family either.

So will go check at lunch if his phone still isn't on.

OP posts:
Bornin1989 · 30/03/2023 09:13

Take as much of his stuff as you can over to his in a bag, if he's there, perfectly fine I would just hand him the bag. If he's not OK then I would deal with the issue and not feel guilty as you had good reason to believe he was acting like a child and deserved to be dumped.

Hbh17 · 30/03/2023 09:13

He's an adult male with his own home - of course he's fine! Just get on with your day as normal, and maybe contact him at the weekend if you haven't heard from him by them. All this drama may be 50% his fault, but he may also find all the obsessive checking by a partner to be somewhat suffocating. It would be good for both of you to have a few days apart.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 30/03/2023 09:16

My ex used to do this. I think he thought my anger at whatever we rowed about would disappear and be replaced with worry about where he was. He was always fine. I ended it after a few of these stunts.

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 09:16

Um, I really don’t feel ok about comparing a stropping adult male storming off home and switching off his phone/blocking you because he didn’t want to do any housework, to Sarah Everard and Nicola Bulley…

Shoelacesundone · 30/03/2023 09:17
  1. I don't think this is about the chores. I'm sorry but I think he's evaluating the relationship and it's future. The row just triggered something that's been building for longer
  2. Although this is upsetting I'd try and get in a more understanding frame of mind for when he does get in touch...if he's never done this before in 3 years he's not acting this way as a tactic but probably is genuinely upset and confused. You can address later how upsetting this was for you but if you immediately get in a fight over this it's not going to help anyone
  3. It's very unlikely anything has happened. Sounds like the phone didn't die but was intentionally switched off as he needs space
  4. We talk about the silent treatment but some people do need space to think and process emotiins and taking that can be healthy
  5. I'm sure he'll be in touch soon but I would, if you want the discussion to be productive, be aware that he may be upset or conflicted about other issues and not sure how to discuss these. Dobt assume this is related to chores or being done to punish you. Listen. You can then decide what you want.
YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 09:18

@Antiquiteas sure, but the OP is worried and this is v out of character for her partner.... of course the worst case scenario is going to jump to mind

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2023 09:19

I know what you mean about those poor women but someone going to their home wouldn't have found them anyway. The chance of something having happened to your boyfriend and it happening within his own house is very very very small.

Is he trustworthy with other women?

MrNook · 30/03/2023 09:19

If he is doing this to punish you then it's really manipulative and horrible! Over being asked to do more chores ffs

MrNook · 30/03/2023 09:19

Fingers crossed he's just left his phone on the bus or something

TotallyLosttonight · 30/03/2023 09:21

I would be worried too OP. My STBXH was a prize sulker and if that is indeed what he is doing I would advise you to reconsider your relationship. However, if it is out of character for him to have his phone off and be uncontactable then I would be worried first and angry later when I found out he was fine. He probably is fine. Maybe he lost his phone or it got stolen on his way home? How does he get there, tube/walk? If he has no other technology there he can't contact you presumably.

CurlewKate · 30/03/2023 09:23

You say he's done this (although in not such an extreme way) several times and you've been only living together for 6 months? I'm not sure that's a good sign, to be honest. It's not usual to have that many storming out rows.

Strawberrypicnic · 30/03/2023 09:25

I think you are right to ne worried if this is out of character, especially given what you say about his dad. My rational bet would be that something has happened to his phone but in your shoes I'd be getting a bit anxious too. Hope he gets in touch at some point.

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 09:27

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 09:18

@Antiquiteas sure, but the OP is worried and this is v out of character for her partner.... of course the worst case scenario is going to jump to mind

Sure, but the vulnerability of men and women? Not comparable.

Anyway. I’m sure he’ll turn up and he’s just enjoying having the upper hand and punishing the OP. He’s probably blocked her temporarily and will know she’s getting into a state.

k1233 · 30/03/2023 09:28

I wouldn't be calling or checking up on him. If I hadn't heard from him in 24hrs I'd be seriously considering calling quits on the relationship. If he did come back I'd expect him to sit down and finish the discussion on chores and agree to do more, followed by an adamant that is the last time he behaves like that. Next time, relationship is over. I have zero tolerance for manipulative behaviour, which is what storming out is.

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