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Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 31/03/2023 01:57

I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

Well, I would find this attitude very controlling.

I would need to check on my flat for things like post, rubbish, possible break-ins (an empty flat, never any lights on etc.), water the plants.....

Or just having some time to myself.

Haven't read the whole thread so hope it's all sorted now OP.

Iflyaway · 31/03/2023 02:23

Right...

I've read your posts now OP.....

What a lazy fucker......

When I asked him why he hadn’t made dinner, he said it was because he was doing the washing up.

Please don't marry him OP. You'll be setting yourself up as the skivvy.

And that's coming from a lone parent. So much easier than having a grown-up child to cope with too.

and new fabulous relationships always come round again

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/03/2023 07:53

HaggisBurger · 30/03/2023 18:10

Or even better don’t wait to be managed. Look around you like a bloody adult and see what needs to be done.

Show quote history

Or any of what's been suggested in response to my post. I had the nagging accusation as well - in retrospect it was any time I suggested he act like I was an equal partner, not the housekeeper.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/03/2023 07:58

But I came home after a long day, got told I needed to sort the dishwasher and do the cooking, while he complained about being bored on his day off

'Got told I needed to'?? lucky escape, OP. You're not a woman and partner to this one, you're a household appliance.

Fmlgirl · 31/03/2023 08:02

OP - he will come crawling out of the woodwork with an apology - they always do.
Please don’t take him back if he does. You sound amazing and he’s a loser. You can do so much better than this.

LaDamaDeElche · 31/03/2023 08:12

Wow. What a prat. He's shown you who he is and you should believe him. Don't take him back. My ex husband used to do this after arguments. I would be sick with anxiety, calling hospitals, crying, not sleeping. Once he went for four days with no contact. It's a really emotionally abusive, manipulative thing to do and you're well rid.

trytopullyoursocksup · 31/03/2023 08:27

Well done OP, well handled.
I will slightly go against the grain here and suggest that it might not be that he manufactured this nonsense as a way to end the relationship without taking responsibility (thought it might be).

I think it is just as likely that he had every intention of continuing the relationship into marriage, etc, but on the terms that he has no domestic responsibility. And this was his big stand on that point. The OP was supposed to be so hurt and scared by his absence that she never made a stand again.

She dealt with it perfectly, in any case.

I am sorry OP, this is not your guy, but well done for finding out now. Well done for keeping your integrity, and your agency.

jenny38 · 31/03/2023 08:35

Please don't marry him until this is sorted out. This forum often seems keen for people to get rid of their partner, but only you know his good points, as well as the negatives. For two adults this problem is not insurmountable if you both want to. My partner and I are splitting the chores into my jobs and his. This is for many reasons, but chores became a problem, both of us making unfair assumptions and getting grumpy. In terms of cooking, we do a meal plan- he's much better at it than me so tends to cook on weekends, whereas I do the quick stuff during tge week more often. Everyone finds their own pattern, I have a friend who never cooks, and I have a friend who does absolutely everything (and resents it).
The stropping off and turning his phone off - first time he has done this- I suspect this will be the last time- once he has calmed down and had the embarrassing conversation with his friend and sees how childish it is.

AndiOliversFan · 31/03/2023 08:40

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your updates OP, and I think others have given you very good advice.

I’m not saying I don’t believe you are telling the truth, but I was a bit surprised that a hospital gave you details of someone else with the same surname but different date of birth, and that you were then able to go the hospital to “check”. How can they give out any information over the phone without breaching GDPR? How exactly did you check? Presumably they can’t take you to see the person? What additional info can they give you in the hospital? I actually thought “phoning round the hospitals” was a myth.

GoodChat · 31/03/2023 09:14

AndiOliversFan · 31/03/2023 08:40

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your updates OP, and I think others have given you very good advice.

I’m not saying I don’t believe you are telling the truth, but I was a bit surprised that a hospital gave you details of someone else with the same surname but different date of birth, and that you were then able to go the hospital to “check”. How can they give out any information over the phone without breaching GDPR? How exactly did you check? Presumably they can’t take you to see the person? What additional info can they give you in the hospital? I actually thought “phoning round the hospitals” was a myth.

Confirming there's someone there with a surname but that their DOB doesn't match doesn't breach GDPR.

OP went to see if it was the same person. That's the information she got in person that wasn't over the phone.

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 31/03/2023 09:16

AndiOliversFan · 31/03/2023 08:40

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your updates OP, and I think others have given you very good advice.

I’m not saying I don’t believe you are telling the truth, but I was a bit surprised that a hospital gave you details of someone else with the same surname but different date of birth, and that you were then able to go the hospital to “check”. How can they give out any information over the phone without breaching GDPR? How exactly did you check? Presumably they can’t take you to see the person? What additional info can they give you in the hospital? I actually thought “phoning round the hospitals” was a myth.

Call hospital, and ask for A&E admissions. Tell them you're looking for partner, then ask whether any unidentified men were admitted last night. No. Then they asked for name, and dob of person I was looking for. Also No. But one hospital no men with that surname and SAME dob were admitted. So I asked if someone of that surname and male had been with different dob. They didn't tell me the full name or dob obvs. When I went to that hospital a&e, spoke to admissions and showed a photo and asked if that man, name, dob was admitted. They checked with admittance team, and said no. So no private details were shared with me but they can confirm or deny if partner is admitted.

OP posts:
lpeez · 31/03/2023 09:39

A shitty time ahead for you OP but so pleased for you that you found this out about this man before getting married.

Maybe he was looking for a way out of the relationship and maybe not but even so, his attitude towards a partner is not acceptable.

Please don't be convinced to give it another try. He won't change. And if you marry him you might not wake up to that until you have two dc and a mortgage with him and your life will just become miserable where he starts using dc as bargaining chips and mean you can never be free of him.

Whatever you do, please don't stay with him just because you are afraid of being single in your 30s.

AndiOliversFan · 31/03/2023 09:40

OK, I see, so the reason for going to the hospital was to show them a photo. That makes sense. Thanks for explaining.

gannett · 31/03/2023 09:53

It's the cowardice that makes it so hard to get past, isn't it. Manufacturing all this drama to get OP to break up with him instead of having the guts to call it off himself.

I quite like that his best mate got involved. Can't imagine the friend will be too impressed by his conduct. If it's any comfort to the OP, the best mate will probably be telling him how badly he's behaved right now.

Derbee · 31/03/2023 10:41

gannett · 31/03/2023 09:53

It's the cowardice that makes it so hard to get past, isn't it. Manufacturing all this drama to get OP to break up with him instead of having the guts to call it off himself.

I quite like that his best mate got involved. Can't imagine the friend will be too impressed by his conduct. If it's any comfort to the OP, the best mate will probably be telling him how badly he's behaved right now.

The friend will get The Arsehole’s version of events. He was trying to get a bit of space from the constant nagging and pressure of expectation etc etc.

People will always defend their mates against an ex partner.

But it doesn’t matter, as long as @JurassicParkaha is shot of him

SchoolTripDrama · 31/03/2023 11:08

AngelDelightUK · 30/03/2023 07:32

Has he been on FB? That’s always a go to check for me!!

Try reading the OP one more time

SavBlancTonight · 31/03/2023 12:14

I have been following this thread and sadly, was not surprised by your update - that the chores issue was more substantial than a once off. It IS about the chores. he doesn't think he should have to do them. He DOES thing that you are "nagging him" and this action was him being childish. At best, he was genuinely upset and hurt that you would ask him to do these things. More likely, on some level he was thinking, "well, I'll show her. She can have me as I am and let's see how she likes it when I'm not there." He was hoping, consciously or not, that you'd take him back, beg HIM to forgive YOU for daring to "nag" him and that would be it.

I'm afraid you've dodged a bullet there. Well done for not letting this shitty behaviour be effective.

Thesharkradar · 31/03/2023 12:25

"well, I'll show her. She can have me as I am and let's see how she likes it when I'm not there." He was hoping, consciously or not, that you'd take him back, beg HIM to forgive YOU for daring to "nag" him and that would be it
Gotta laugh at the way these types are so prone to overplaying their hand, it never occurs them that they are much more trouble than they are worth, thinking that the 'prize' of having a man in your life outweighs everything🤷
Such high self esteem .....completely unwarranted self-esteem

TiredButDancing · 31/03/2023 13:34

Thesharkradar · 31/03/2023 12:25

"well, I'll show her. She can have me as I am and let's see how she likes it when I'm not there." He was hoping, consciously or not, that you'd take him back, beg HIM to forgive YOU for daring to "nag" him and that would be it
Gotta laugh at the way these types are so prone to overplaying their hand, it never occurs them that they are much more trouble than they are worth, thinking that the 'prize' of having a man in your life outweighs everything🤷
Such high self esteem .....completely unwarranted self-esteem

it works often enough that there's no reason not to keep trying. BIL started with tactics like this from day 1. DH and I couldn't understand why SIL didn't kick him to the curb. But she has her own issues so....

I suspect that men like OP's ex or my ex BIL act like this in every relationship. Many of those relationships then fail (the ex is always "crazy" "demanding" etc at that point) but they keep doing it because there are enough women out there who have absorbed society's lesson that they should be grateful for a man.

Thesharkradar · 31/03/2023 13:41

it works often enough that there's no reason not to keep trying
True and I suppose he only wants the woman if she is naive and cannot see through him, so it serves as a way to distinguish which women are suitable victims for his level of manipulation 🤷

trytopullyoursocksup · 31/03/2023 13:48

So much that the OP did that a younger me did wrong. When she believed that something must have happened to him, she faced into that and called people - I would worry alone (because subconsciously I probably knew he was just being shit and I had bought into the position that it was "nagging" to expect basic communication). So no guilt for her. When it was apparent that he was a manipulative toe rag, she saw it for what it was (when I would be more likely to just be relieved we were in touch again, because I was weak and pathetic).

Housework is the big one for so many men. they just won't do it, they will do everything they can to avoid it. I cannot understand why so few women are prepared to face into how much more they do with their partners - well, I can, after marriage, but before marriage is the time to see it and solve it. They don't change. You just have to start again.

Thesharkradar · 31/03/2023 14:37

they will do everything they can to avoid it
I think they instinctively understand that if they assume any responsibility for menial tasks they will undermine their own authority.
I can only see this now in hindsight and with the benefit of being able to collaborate with other women online. At the time I just couldn't understand why he didn't do his fair share and I was permanently so furious about it, blinded by the force of this constant anger.
I didn't understand that it was a strategy that they instinctively adopt in order to keep the upper hand.

Shoelacesundone · 31/03/2023 18:18

Gosh. What a piece of work. Either there's another woman or he's going to try and come back somehow...but without compromising on the chores. Theres a lot of very perceptive comments about his prediction of how OP will cave...probably his previous relationships panned out this way. I'm guessing OP is smarter, earns more, etc etc than previous girlfriends he's tried to have running round after him. I also think he predicts that he's got OP where he wants her because of thus huge trip that she's committed to. The end of a three year relationship and the abandoning of a planned wedding is a lot to go through...I'm guessing with hindsight OP is sensing more alarm bells. He had a really good thing but some people will push their luck....it's a privilege to be the guy who gets to cook OP dinner...and he couldn't see that. He's dragged friends and family into his little stunt. I can't abide manipulative people.

UnicornsDoExist · 31/03/2023 19:01

I think he’s a narcissist. You’re well rid of him anyway.

AngelDelightUK · 31/03/2023 22:23

TimeForMeToF1y · 30/03/2023 07:47

How can you check this? I was recently worried about my sibling, all turned out to be fine, I didn't know there was a way to see when someone had been on facebook, that would have been a help for me.

Hopefully OP he's just being childish but definitely something you need to think about for the future

Show quote history

@TimeForMeToF1y check FB messenger. It will tell you when they were last online. I’ve used it many a time for a sibling with MH issues