Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@TeaandLemonDrizzle I'm so sorry to hear of your losses and what a tough time you've been having. I hope you find some calm and some joy whether that involves a man or not 🤗

@Thisisworsethananticpated don't best yourself up. We've all probably been there- I know I've done stuff that I knew would only cause me pain but I did it anyway. I also know if Mr city were to come calling I'd still go there again 🤦‍♀️

@TeaandLemonDrizzle I am sorry for your losses. I have to say I lost my mum some years ago and the number of times I just want to pick up the phone and chat is still a lot. Wishing you a better 2023.
@Thisisworsethananticpated Sometimes a bit of time on the bench is a good thing. Even if we are mentally in a good place, I think OLD can batter our mental health - and I place a lot of blame on the behaviour of some people online. Ghosting, lying, using people for sex, not being honest (for example dating several people at a time but saying you're exclusive), gaslighting, lovebombing etc. These really nasty behaviours happen right from the off.
The suspicion/ trying to not get invested too quickly, means everything starts from a negative place.

@Definitelycross You have given some great advice about valuing ourselves and there being some light at the end of the tunnel. It can deliver.

I want to thank everyone for their lovely advice. I did go on a great first date this weekend but he's away for a while now.
But I'm really quite upset about the one I really liked. He dealt with me leaving a date early well. Had another great date but then the lose plans we made for the weekend didn't evolve. Great comms on Saturday/yesterday am, then I wake up today and find out I've been blocked. No idea why. To be honest I am very hurt indeed. I can't understand why he would be making plans/ initiating loads of chat, sending photos one day and then completely gone the next. I can only assume he's met someone else. It's absolutely gutwrenching.

@Garysmum he blocked you! What an arsehole!

I'm so angry for you

You are right though . I can't help but start off being very suspicious when meeting someone new. It's hard not to be when you've been f'd over so many times before , you just come to expect it which is really depressing .

@qqq82 Thank you. I think I'm angry too. We have been dating for some weeks - so it's not one of those first/second date things where I think the man's a coward and can't say "thanks but no thanks".
This is a man in his 50s sending me cute photos of him and messages about what he's been up to/making plans for early this week one day. The next morning - I'm blocked (maybe last night I don't know). I've met his friends, his clients, drunk in his local etc. What the proverbial F is up with him?

@Garysmum I've made myself Ill trying to work these people out I really have . He's clearly not a very nice person so I think you've dodged a bullet

Tealemon…so sorry to hear about your brother. You’ve been through a lot lately. I get this. Many posters here are now also fighting their divorce and it is a really really harrowing time. I hope your child support gets organised too.
I can only say what I always say and believe to be true…THIS WILL PASS…You will feel a lot better as time goes by. It’s going to be ok.
I hope you can enjoy dates and this will not add to your woes…just make you have a good time and feel accompanied and liked. You need a bit of things settled to feel right headed for a partner. Be patient 🥰🥰🥰

Awful, cowardly behaviour.

I'm so sorry

I have another theory on this too 🙄 - like I know anything.

But when I first started my mistake of a rebound after splitting from STBXH my friend gave me some advice. She said that it's really easy to then think you can go for it with others and your confidence is really boosted, due to the attention of this new man.

I know that a couple of guys were 'punching' - god that makes me cringe, when we went on our first dates. I honestly believe they then thought - oh get me, I'm a stud muffin and so went to try others.

The big difference with yours is that you'd been with him for a while and he'd integrated you into his life. My best bet is that gave him confidence to return to some other or take up another's proposition.

You all know how much I despise the practice of ghosting. My date #13 was all over my WhatsApp directly afterwards. Photos, calls etc. plans to meet up then suddenly nothing and blocked.

It's rude and unnecessary. We are all grown ups here FFS.

Sending you a huge 🤗

And @TeaandLemonDrizzle if you go back on earlier threads your posts could be me. Totally. Except the awful loss of family members. I'm so sorry.

Garysmum…don’t worry so much. You are dating someone else too. He’s probably done same thing and dated someone else he preferred while keeping you second base. Just as you have dated someone else who was second base this weekend. The awful thing is he ghosted you instead of saying “I’m sorry I met someone else”…that is really unnecessary rudeness. Don’t think about it and see how it goes with you other choice. I agree with @qqq82 …you dodged a bullet there. Sometimes the guys we like the most are simply not ok for us.

God unfinished business is a bitch isn't it.

Getting under someone to get over someone isn't always the best way to go. I'm sorry you're feeling so shitty.

The number of times I've sat on that bench only to reactivate my profile when I was feeling a bit meh. So shove up and make room for me.

I'm taking my progress slowly- I got through a whole weekend without going back and trying very hard not to stress that I'd not heard from Mr Incognito- even though he told me very clearly that I wouldn't until Tuesday, I've actually believed him. Huge leap of faith for insecure me.

I'm trying so hard to keep 🤫 and everything in perspective but it's so difficult.

One day at a time and let's see what tomorrow brings (even though I'm as giddy as a kid at Christmas at it finally almost bring Tuesday 🙄🙄🙄 - playing cool is so not me).

God I feel like I'm back in school 🙄

Garysmum

ughhhhh

I try and remember that men have their own fears and confusions and mental triggers too

id see him blocking as him being weak and poor on difficult communication rather than a direct commentary on your worth

I also wouldn’t assume he’s met someone better , sometimes people are messed up

but also I’d never treat a human like that either

Thanks everyone
I’ll be totally fine , that was the final nail in the coffin
so yeah I’m upset but I KNOW this will pass

And I can’t imagine after my VERY heated and very negative reactions that he’ll be knocking on my door again anytime soon

im not super happy with how I’ve messed about the solvent iron either if I’m being honest
I’ve confused him and that’s not cool either

Garysmum

given the the time you have spent hanging out I’d fuxking call him on that
it’s not cool to be a coward and treat someone you hung out with like that
don’t want to continue ? Fine !
that’s dating

but own that to suddenly block someone is really unkind and it makes people jump to the worst case scenario and feel worse than they need to

be kind CUNT and don’t hide behind WhatsApp

Well I've just arranged a date with the guy from the same company as me but who I haven't met

The one who I actually work with who I sent the bitter rant to has now removed me from sm

Not sure what he thinks that will achieve . He hasn't blocked me .

I wish I'd restrained myself and not sent the messages even if he did deserve it

What happened with you? Similar story?

@TeaandLemonDrizzle just 13 arseholes in a row.

I had paid for Match and it didn't meet any of my expectations or requirements. Which I kept discovering and should've walked away earlier.

I came out of a 26 year marriage. I took everything and everybody at face value.

I was broken. A lot. This place and posters have helped me realise the realities of modern day dating.

Took me 6 months but I'm finally there.

Sadly, with that, comes the inevitable loss of excitement over Mr Incognito. I fancy the arse off him. He ticks so many boxes. But I can't allow myself to even get a smidgeon excited as my poor heart can't cope with more rejection.

So, I'm off the sites, trying (but failing miserably inside) not to get my hopes up and just see what happens.

On that note someone met someone in real life and arranged a date. How did that go??

@Definitelycross
It sounds like you’ve really had a rough time of it. I find OLD awful and I have gone incognito on Tinder (as I’ve paid for 12 months subs) but I am not going on it. I have deleted Bumble and Hinge.

It’s a shame about Mr Incognito. His loss! Take your time with everything and tell yourself you’re worth more!

I had a look at a tennis club last night. I think I’m going to join that as they have social get togethers too. It’ll help me get fit and get into something new. I
might actually meet someone in real life! My divorce is taking forever and recent events in my life are making me feel worse. My manager is not coping with his job (he messed the whole place up tbh) and is off on sick again which isn’t helping as I’m having to do some of his role as well as my own massive pile! I’ve actually brought work home tonight and will do 3 hours and claim it back. It’s crazy!!

I get the other end of this - some really entitled behaviour from women, most ask about salary.

I think this one confused “do you fancy a meeting for coffee”, with “ will you donate a kidney to me “

If you’d like to meet me I will expect you to treat me at your expense & I will expect some lovely gifts, after all I’m worth it. Please don’t message if you are not prepared to drive to meet me,
or to pay for my expenses if I am to catch a train.

And it’s not men who ask about sex stuff, I have 2 been asked how big my penis is, the answer was “ the perfect size “

one women asked me what kind of underwear I liked to wear, I said “Ladies “, she didn’t come back

Oh no he hasn't gone. He's just away for a few days, back tomorrow. But I'm trying not to get excited that he may be in touch.

@NoDatingForOldMen 😂😂😂

I know it's against the thread rules and we live a thousand miles apart but I think you sound fab!!

Penis size?? Ffs.

@TeaandLemonDrizzle and yes I separated from my STBXH in 2019. He is holding the divorce up as much as possible and I just want him gone.

@Definitelycross Thanks, I do actually have a date tomorrow, but I don’t hold out much hope, I think she’s way out of my league, everytime I mention something on the chat, she been there & done that & stayed and the next door 5 * resort that had hot & cold running room service to boot ☹️

I don't know if I'm right but that sounds to me like someone who's in a relationship/married.

No she's either very unsure of herself so bigging herself up
Or
She thinks she's all that and a bag of chips

But
If she didn't want to meet you she wouldn't be.

One of my dates the guy just kept doing that - you know if I'd been to Tenerife he'd been to Elevenereef. It was as annoying as hell. I think he was nervous and felt he had to show himself as a man of the world.

Instead he presented as a full of himself dick. But I definitely made allowances for nerves.

And don't worry I won't take your rejection of me personally 😳

Hope you get your freedom soon!

@NoDatingForOldMen

If you’d like to meet me I will expect you to treat me at your expense & I will expect some lovely gifts, after all I’m worth it. Please don’t message if you are not prepared to drive to meet me,
or to pay for my expenses if I am to catch a train.

I wouldn't even have bothered to reply her- rude, entitled and terribly transactional.

What I mean by low value is the guys who latched on the lockdown walks and would suggest a walk in the freezing cold ( after lockdown) simply because they were too cheap to have a coffee. And I can't remember which poster it was that said he asked her back for £1 for chips? I simply cannot date or be friends with actually anyone who has such a deep poverty of spirit.

I think she’s way out of my league, everytime I mention something on the chat, she been there & done that & stayed and the next door 5 resort that had hot & cold running room service to boot *

Well would you rather she wasn't truthful? or pretended not to have been. It all depends on her tone of course but it sounds like you were trying to impress and you are disappointed that she knew/had been to these places. At our ages, I would be expect you to be happy with her exposure, someone well travelled BUT still open to new things and shared experiences...