Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

There are many things I can see in Mr Woz and you that remind me of Mr Ex and me 😂😂😂. But I know how difficult it is to go OLD when you are still in love with your bloke!
Take it easy with your friends and you don’t need to say it’s over until it’s really over really. Don’t talk too much until you have some clarity

I agree … should be a really lovely thing getting us 4 together 😊but I am happy we connect too

Little update from me. Things with Mr Tall are intense. The sexual chemistry is v powerful... best of my life. Outside of the bedroom I have moments of questioning if we are compatible but I think that's to do with the fact that he is very outspoken (but kind and sensitive) and just very unusual in how his mind works. He constantly surprises me with what he knows or has done in life. He is incredibly kind to me. I won't go into details as outing but he really wants to make my life better and his actions show that. Also have weekend away booked. We've been dating for 3 weeks. Am aware it's very early days and heady and trying to be sensible. It's a bit all-consuming and I so distracted all the time. Some of his family think this is too much too soon after his awful break up (8 months) and he should wait longer to get involved with someone. He says it just feels right.

Anyway, I shall catch up on the thread. Hope you're all doing we.

Underwater….I think it’s WONDERFUL. You have also shown what a good partner you are supporting him though economic/divorce/kids issue/new home search combo ( I could not understand the no cat one!). I know it’s only 8 months since separation but usually these separation thing lurks for years before people actually separate. I think you need that little time away with him but he’s very vulnerable and true now. And so are you. I really think you both are falling in love and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Just enjoy how giddy and distracted you feel and the sexual chemistry that comes with it!! Best wishes to both of you

@PinkIdentity you write such thoughtful messages. Thank you. You're right in that the relationship with his ex was on the rocks for ages and almost sexless for years. But he is still v fragile from his MH issues. Anyway, I'm in with both feet now so will just have to see what happens! I hope things are good for you?

Thanks Underwater…he’s working on himself and I’m taking a break as I’m away travelling for work etc. He needs to at least fix where to live next as I don’t think he’s on the right frame to buy. I will not see him until the end of May and I think it’s just right that we have a break as his MH was starting to affect me. We love each other but I need a bit of peace to be honest

It sounds like you are v strong and level-headed. I hope the break from each other helps.

PinkIdentity

fwiw things sound so much healthier between you and him , and with how your handling things

you seem much happier and calmer in this stage than when you were dating , and seeing him too

enjoy your May
man free 🙂

@Underwaterlife just saw your post and am so excited for you!
I too have started dating someone, it’s only been a month..I could have written your post..it’s hard not to get carried away isn’t it! Best of luck!

ISo I'm down to zero matches again and wondering- is it possibly a case of a mismatch between my own perception of my own level of attractiveness and the perceived level of where men believe I am, at my age?

I've taken advantage of the half price Bumble offer of half price premium for a month so can now see who likes me. It's enlightening.

I'm worried I have an inflated perception of myself. Ive no interest in the men who have liked me. I've run out of men in a 50 year radius..

@5thWisdom there lies madness as you'll only tie yourself in knots if you think that. What good will it do if you think you aren't that attractive? I think online dating is a minefield and perhaps that ideal match for you isn't on the apps. All I'd say is keep an open mind rather than critique yourself too much.

Awww that's great @ANOTHERnewstart. It certainly is hard not to get carried away. He has told me he is developing feelings and it is frightening for him given the fairly recent past. I don't have much dating experience and feel like I have no idea what I am doing at times so just trying to go on instinct. I do think he is one of the best men I have ever met. Calm down, calm down! . What's your fella like?

@5thWisdom I'm feeling very similar
I've never had much self esteem but somewhere after my ex h coming home for 1 day last year and then buggering off back to his girlfriend the next day (which happened to be our wedding anniversary) I really worked on my self physically and mentally and my self esteem had never been better.

But then after that arsehole from work and MrNoEffort's lack of effort and that other fella who seemed very keen then vanished it's now back on the floor where it always was.

Which apps are you using? I had most success with Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. Wouldn't say I got many matches but I was also choosy about who I liked.... although I broke my own rule about never swiping on men without a proper bio and wham, now I've met a good 'un. As for attractiveness, I think most of us probably have a reasonable idea where we sit. I never swipe on the really good looking ones with gym bodies as a) I don't fancy them and b) I assume they won't fancy me. I think all you can do is keep swiping on ones that appeal to you but maybe have a think about what really matters to you in a potential partner and keep in open mind. I used to think maybe I should filter by education level etc but the guy that I'm
Now seeing does not have a degree, a home or my usual body type but he's completely amazing. Best of luck.

As a fellow lifelong sufferer of poor self-esteem, I hear you! I'm better than I was but I know I'll be crushed of Mr Tall hurts me. I keep telling myself that one man's opinion of me should not impact how I feel about myself... easier said than done. I do t have the answers.. just saying you are not alone .

5thWisdom

when I feel like this I venture into the world and flirt with real life men
waiters , security guards , the builder next door
no one is immune !
but get your hair done and your best uplifting bra on and just go OUT

not to pull per se but just to interact with the world

i think you also wfh ? I do which is so good for my kids but terrible for me in terms of human contact , and depressing sometimes

anyway total silence between me and newiron

I know why I’m quiet (he upset me and crossed a boundary with some unasked for feedback on a situation in my life )

but I’m dammed if I know why I’ve upset him !

my gut tells me it’s my baggage 🧳

hey ho 🤷‍♀️

Great advice re real-world flirting. And looking your best. I hate to think what I have spent on lingerie lately!

Sorry he's gone quiet but good for you for having decent boundaries.

Definitely agree with the getting out their and just being friendly/flirty not t pull but just to interact.
Re the gym bodies -they are also insecure and like MrWoz women assume he won't be interested. I have no gym body but he genuinely seemed to think he was punching above his weight with me and endlessly assuming I would finish with him.

Fifthy…in the end I realise you do not have to feel less attractive just because guys do not pick you. OLD is very visual and erratic. Real life is very different. You might be really attractive IRL but come across “meh” in your profile. It’s really subjective stuff. Do not worry and be patient. Swipe only guys that you like. Many times there’s none!
Worsy…Yes. I’m taking a mental and physical break from men. Focused on work and kids. I’m doing a lot of sport too which is brilliant for my bikini time and my fitness. I have also gone to woman cave. I think of him like he thinks of me but I just don’t want to communicate until he gets at least some practical shit sorted…like where is he going to live as his current lease is over at the end of the month. I’m also thinking what is in this relationship for me as I’m always optimistic and work at being sorted. I want to live in the now…not in the “when everything is sorted”
I have time to decide whether I want to date someone else…but not this month.

I think tying your self worth to which strangers like you is a road to ruin,

im saying this as someone who got very few likes

So, quick question.
Hopefully tonight will be DTD with new person - in the past I’ve had “performance issues “, with new partners, ( I think it nervous, as normally goes away )

i have alluded to this slightly, but what if things don’t work the way they should do ?

what would be the best course of action ?

NoDatingForOldMen

gosh it’s a bummer for men
is saying to pop to toilet and take a viagra when the snogging starts a bad idea ?

they exist for this purpose

@NoDatingForOldMen I would just acknowledge it and be honest that you’re a bit nervous.

I don’t think you should feel pressure to perform at all and don’t take a Viagra if you don’t want to.

Hopefully she should make you feel comfortable and not make a big deal about it. You can still be intimate in other ways.

Don’t pressure yourself.

Thanks, I’m cooking tonight, so maybe I end up giving her food poisoning and won’t have to worry about it !

The best course of action is not to overthink. They'll be nervous too in their own way. The first time is usually literally feeling your way in.
Viagra is for a physical issue, it won't work for psychological issues.
I wouldn't judge anyone on the first event.

On the point of dating attractiveness. I think theirs a difference between online algorithms, and real life. There are very few photos and bios that are genuine reflections of the real person. Occasionally you can begin a connection via the app chatting, you can feel an attachment.
The best is meeting and having this awkward flush of excitement even if they're not your normal type. That's what dating apps are good for, meeting different people.
I certainly wouldn't use an app as a barometer of internal attractiveness rating.

Just make sure what your cooking smells good and not like a local butchers.😂