Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Ihaveateenager
Underwaterlife

I also kept a list (essay !) about my exes red flags 🚩 as they were legion
I also agree that that the tings you tolerate and dont like early on are what split you up (so true !)

the broken hearts heal , especially when they caused so much stress vanilla . as a sense of calm descends mostly

Ihaveateenager
honey you really don’t need a man who’s still married - and sounds like not over said marriage either . That more than ‘unavailable’
that’s married AF

@Ihaveateenager @Underwaterlife I'm so sorry this has happened to you both and that people just think that's it's acceptable to just mess people around in this way. It's so frustrating, it hurts so much and can cause so much emotional confusion.

I hope the pain passes quickly - and this eventually turns to anger and then indifference. Most important gift they've given are the lessons learned - and yes, remember ALL of those red flags x

@Thisisworsethananticpated Enjoy your day with NewIronMan today ☺️

Apologies I mean @VanillaSox x

5thWisdom

I plan to 😁

did you hear from single dad to teens man ?

It's not the same person because he wasn't drop dead gorgeous with a great body, ha, but SO much of what you describe here describes my awful ex.

Huge massive career failures, always pleaded poverty with me so I'd pay for everything and would then spend huge amounts on himself (clothes, holidays for himself etc). We also had strangers comment on how happy we looked but he was SO good at performing in public. It's all a superficial show. He actually told me he'd do things specifically to manage people's impression of him. He was always late and never took photos of us together. Always laid his phone on any surface facing down (but called me out when I then did the same).

So weird, so toxic and the amount of manipulation messes with your mind.

Be so glad you are free from it.

He's disappeared. I've been left on read since yesterday morning (that was a chatty message from me just asking about his weekend plans with a small addition just hinting lightly towards it being a tricky time to confirm a meet up due to ex but hopefully being able to do week after next after his week with his children).

Nothing since. So no reply to that. That's a big change in comms from last weekend where it was very much back and forth getting to know one another. He's on a child free weekend so presumably is busy doing non-child related activities and social stuff. I'm not replying again, obviously.
Just another disappointing non-starter. I might unpause my Bumble account later this week but not in the mood yet.

No news from me other than the shit has hit the fan with my ex so I'm pushing for more custody which means less time to date if I'm successful .

5thWisdom

ok . That’s for me would be a delete contact and delete chat 💬

meh 🫤

don’t quit bumble just yet
keep the faith x

Yep, I agree.

His moment has passed.

I always remember the time on dating apps as fun but it's definitely a long game. Try not to be downhearted if communication isn't tip-top early days bin them off.
Previously, I had a strategy, message, and get out on a date quickly. At the moment I'm struggling to make a conversation last more than 10 messages.
Yesterday I had a few come-back after disappearing for a week or so.
Need to be patient I think. I forget I've only been on for 2 weeks.😂

Anyone separated or going thru divorce may throw up spanners in the works. I dated someone once who had been separated for 18 months, she reunited with her husband for a time. Then they eventually divorced, and she got back in touch but by that time I was with someone else.
Children are another potential problem, I'm a 50/50 dad, so I have one week in which to plan a date, which makes arrangements complicated if the other person's schedules don't match. The ex and I don't really communicate, we have no children together, however, there is still equity to agree on, which doesn't really cause much fuss or take up too much headspace. Although she can be inappropriate at times. So I'm relatively free of baggage.

I think apps must be great for younger people with no baggage or very little relationship history. For those older with history, it's difficult to navigate.

It ended because it was all a lie. And the lie got too big. You know he probably wasn’t even free. Married, then divorced, then not divorced, then pics of the wife, he ended up blocking you from Facebook so you can’t see his real life. It was a fantasy and it had to stop because it became a problem to maintain. The sooner you realise you did not meet the real guy the better. His wife knows the real guy though. It should have ended way earlier. And the red flag was enormous

5thWisdom

I know it’s hard as when you think someone is nice / one gets carried away in one’s little ❤️ and 🧠

but as the thread rules say until you meet them it doesn’t mean shit
keep trucking

I (this is embarrassing) fell totally for a man that was overseas and who I never met
I even cried when we ‘split up’
even kids were like WTF mum

So you ex (EE one ) isn’t the mum of your kids ?/
how relationship with mum ex ?

qqq82

you are doing the right thing by yours kids x
Sorry sounds hard

@PinkIdentity MrS was living in a bachelor flat, definitely separated from wife (who lives on a different continent)

No, the EE woman was my first cohabiting relationship post-divorce from my daughter's mother. Post-divorce I spent 2 yrs on my own. I spent 3.5 yrs with my ex-girlfriend.
The daughter's mother and I get on fine, she's with someone else and has been for 5 yrs. Everyone co-parents and just gets on. It's easy. There are never any negative conversations from either party involved in the step-parenting.

Hi, I remember bits of this. He posted his supposed exwife on his anniversary I think. Sorry but this anyone could have seen coming. I hope it's not harsh but you were fully aware things weren't right and plodded on. It only seemed to be exclusive from your end and those sort of situations never gets better.

When he asked you to leave him alone, why did you like a FB post?

I suspect he will crawl back- and unblock you. he's probably been caught or so. Please do yourself a favour and block him. Take some time for yourself, because I know you will be hurting. No one deserves this sort of nonsense- not you and certainly not his wife

Super best wishes and stay strong on your fight. Don’t worry about the dating now. Concentrate on your rights and more custody. There will be a time when you are a bit more serene after the big life battle is settled

Fifthie…I don’t understand…did you ever met this guy?? Did you have a video call ?? what happened?

@Myfabby his last message to me was “Hi, just leave me alone for now… please”
I did leave home alone for four days, we were at that point still friends on Facebook so when he posted I liked it, I didn’t think that was too intrusive, just my way of keeping in touch and letting him know I still wanted to continue the relationship, silly me. 😢. He immediately blocked me on Facebook and WhatsApp with no explanation as to why.
He is living on his own, he is only married in the legal sense, his wife is not British has no British passport and is living on the other side of the world looking after her mother. He left his wife 3 years ago.
I would not have a relationship with someone still living with their wife 😳.

oh right. I'm sorry then- I couldn't recall the details but the posting of wife on anniversary stood out.

But leave me alone is just that- sending the like on fb was not necessary. but you know that now.

Dust this one off, better will come.

@PinkIdentity
I lightly highlighted an issue Saturday morning with not being to confirm a date in person due to ex issues. He's got his children all next week so suggested a meeting after that which he agreed to in principle.

I had suggested a call, he suggested Saturday night, I agreed and was waiting for him to confirm a time but he never did so Saturday evening came and went. I wasn't going to chase him for a time.

He just went quiet after Saturday morning.

Since posting earlier, he just sent a dribble of a message this morning - two lines, no effort and offering no info on himself, no sharing.

I'm mindful of matching energy - I'm not going to ignore and be rude so just sent two polite lines back. It's in his court now but I'm not going to make any further effort.

This has gone from feeling really easy to a non-goer. Momentum has gone.

I know this is far too much bandwidth to give to someone I've never met.

Losing momentum is normal with the majority of matches tbh.
You will eventually match with someone whereby the momentum is just natural and normal. Easy.

I have only just managed to get back on and read the replies to my post- thank you for the advice. It's always good to know the mumsnet dating post is here to help even when I didn't think I really needed it after years of dating!

I think I knew what the answer was really, just needed it confirmed. I'm going to end things now... not just because of the financial things but there's a few other red flags too with his behaviour which I won't go in to.
I am actually dreading this, do I need to do it in person? I feel like I should but I would MUCH rather do it over the phone 😬