Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

30somethingandstillsingle

so shoot me
but given what you said about him…….

I’d do it by text
be civil and firm and direct and no wiggle
room

Morning all, hope everyone is doing well.

So I met for my 2nd date yesterday. Lovely 3.5hrs together. Lots of chat, laughs & flirting. Currently can’t work out if he’s genuinely liking me or he’s rebounding (nothing to suggest this other than he’s 7m out of a marriage?..anyone experienced this?!)
He comes across slightly shy & has admitted he’s not used to ‘dating’ but so far he’s lovely to be around.

If you feel really dreadful about this…I’d do on the phone to be honest. You haven’t been in a serious relationship with him for a year…it’s been weeks. Just do it nicely

@Ihaveateenager to me it sounds like his wife had no clue he was dating hence he kept it a secret. Perhaps there an agreement to live separately while she's abroad hence nothing shown on Facebook. She probably found out/is visiting hence he panicked when you liked his post. Otherwise why go to such extent to block you unless he was hiding you.

Is he divorced yet?

Things are going really well with Mr Coffee (his new name). Please can I have some tips for broaching the exclusivity topic? I get the impression he's keen to avoid any definitions of relationship status, but also making it clear he likes me. I like him a lot. We're both still on the apps, but I'd like things to be exclusive.

I think it’s a totally easy ask when you are sleeping together
I just said ‘are you having sex with and dating other women’
he said no
very simple

a harder one at such an early stage

but if your boundary is that you don’t want to have sex until it’s exclusive you tell him that when he asks you over ?

I'm quite a turn of events (and this may be quite outing but 🤷‍♀️)
A while ago I requested a disclosure under Claire's law from my local police force. Well, they turned up at my house this morning to deliver the information which was 😳 so needless to say, I'll be ending things today and I'm going to do it over the phone too.

@30somethingandstillsingle I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if the background to this but must be awful to hear that. Thank goodness you made the request.

30somethingandstillsingle

please be careful
if this is the case anyone who has hit their radar doesn’t deserve much and I’m worried a phone call could be manipulated

just be careful please here and out your safety above his feelings

fuck

@30somethingandstillsingle sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I think a phone call would be okay but please don’t allude to anything related to his behaviour ( or background obviously) and just say you have been reflecting on the relationship and feel that on balance you and he are looking for different things. Good luck x

Thank goodness you've found out now and that the Claire's Law process is there for us to use now. There must have been serious red flags for you to do this and well done for acting on those.

I personally wouldn't communicate further, or send a very brief message to say that the relationship is now over, that you don't want to be contacted and block everywhere. If he persists or turns up at your door, call the police to report.

I speak from experience. These are master manipulators.

Oh my goodness! You seré going to ditch him anyway… your gut instinct is always right !

Also hope you're ok after police turning up and you have RL support - that must have been stressful and worrying.

Depends how advanced you are with him I guess…how many dates have you had? Have you DTD? I think I would not go exclusive with a guy if we are incompatible in bed. Honestly…

We dtd and it was good, in my opinion. We've made plans for more. Oh no, if he thinks it wasn't so great, he might not want to go exclusive?
I feel like I need some gesture for peace of mind.

I think you are right to discuss exclusivity now Bananapants. It’s the right next step for a relationship and you need to feel reassured

@30somethingandstillsingle Please DM ..have had an experience I’d be happy to elaborate on in this respect.

Just a bit update on Mr Bourne who I saw for the first time last week. Just got through second date now and I feel like crap (nothing he'd done). I'm just over it. I don't know what's the matter with me. Will I ever find love???

@Bumbeebeebum what happened on the date to make you feel so down?

@Underwaterlife thank you for responding.
Nothing in particular happened that I could place my finger on. I just found the date boring and as though there was an emotional barrier preventing me from connecting. I didn't find him attractive or interesting whereas last week, I really did!
I'm just in bed crying my eyes out as I'm frustrated by this dating process.

Well it be on to this….at the ripe old age of 37 I’m giving online dating a go. Joined bumble and done some swipes, nothing back yet but fingers crossed. Prob need some better pictures up. Not sure if I want to put too much effort into it at the moment!

Bumbeebeebum
sorry you feel sad x
it might not even be the date or him , it’s that sometimes we get triggered I think

and maybe you were ovulating in the first date !
but don’t despair and assume this is it forever

i always thinking good to ask ‘how did he make
me feel’ after a date

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks for the perspective. Yes, I was ovulating last week. Perhaps that clouded my feelings at the time...

In terms of how he made me feel, there are a few things I'm struggling to process:
First, he chose for us to go to the same venue we went to last week so, I didn't have that novelty of going somewhere different.
Second, I picked the tab on the first date, so he wanted to pay this time around (I only had water) and when I thanked him, he pointed out that it's the same amount we spent the last time. So, I didn't feel good about know he's keeping a mental record of spend.
Third, we are both non-drinkers, so I felt it's boring meeting at a bar/restaurant for the second time just to talk over water.

Fourth, he lives afar, so he could only spare a few hours for the date. It made me realise that this won't be a 'relationship' that offers a lot of quality time - something which is a love language of mine.
I'm on my late 30s and I'm angry at myself for still figuring out my personal life.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be angry, celebrate your standards!

What you're actually highlighting there are standards and boundaries of things you're looking for and not looking for in a partner. That's a hugely positive thing.

Take this man as a lesson to reaffirming what you need and want from a date and relationship and keep looking. Well done for getting out there. He sounds dismal! Next!