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Original poster

Really bad sex

232 replies

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 04:58

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

OP posts:
NotAnotherBathBomb · 29/03/2023 18:38

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

Bot remotely comparable. A frigid woman doesn't enjoy sex so would be pressured.

He enjoys sex, he just doesn't care about his wife's enjoyment 🙄

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 18:38

So it’s okay for the OP to have a frank and open conversation about shit sex, but not have a frank and open conversation about how she used to sleep with other men, just sweep that bit under the carpet shall we ?

Yes. Presumably you read about the ops circumstances at that time?

And there doesn’t need to be a conversation .He knows he’s fucking shit. He openly says he’s shit. He has regular fucking pity parties about it and actually expects the op to console him after his juvenile attempts at sex.

Quite frankly I would understand if the op was having an affair right now. Because after 20 years of putting up with shit sex I would and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. You can barely even call it sex. Anybody who had a problem could trade places and be fucked on pathetically for ten seconds and listen to him snivel about how shit he is afterwards.

There is more than one way to betray someone. What is worse, A brief affair under awful circumstances, or 20 years of knowing you’re causing your spouse a problem and doing fuck all about it but snivel and whinge while clutching your pathetic knob.

gerbilcrocus · 29/03/2023 18:43

Mixkle · 29/03/2023 17:56

The sad thing is, medication like viagra could probably have sorted this out years ago.

I think all you can do is tell him you are seriously unhappy in the marriage because you are so sexually frustrated, but 1 minute sex makes it worse not better, and you simply aren’t willing to have 1 minute sex anymore, either he seeks medical help or it’s difficult to see how the marriage can continue.

Hideous conversation to have, obviously.

Also, it sounds more like a couple of thrusts rather than 1 minute.

It's crazy he hasn't tried to sort this out...

Out of interest, how often do you have sex OP? Does he masturbate in between times. My guess is that he doesn't...

gerbilcrocus · 29/03/2023 18:48

He enjoys sex, he just doesn't care about his wife's enjoyment 🙄

I find it weird that he would enjoy this actually. Of course, orgasms are great, but for me an instant one in seconds without any build up would feel, well, anti-climactic. I've never orgasmed that quickly, but a 30 minute build up is generally far more satisfying than racing to one in 2 minutes flat (probably my record but have never timed it!)

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 19:02

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 18:38

So it’s okay for the OP to have a frank and open conversation about shit sex, but not have a frank and open conversation about how she used to sleep with other men, just sweep that bit under the carpet shall we ?

Yes. Presumably you read about the ops circumstances at that time?

And there doesn’t need to be a conversation .He knows he’s fucking shit. He openly says he’s shit. He has regular fucking pity parties about it and actually expects the op to console him after his juvenile attempts at sex.

Quite frankly I would understand if the op was having an affair right now. Because after 20 years of putting up with shit sex I would and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. You can barely even call it sex. Anybody who had a problem could trade places and be fucked on pathetically for ten seconds and listen to him snivel about how shit he is afterwards.

There is more than one way to betray someone. What is worse, A brief affair under awful circumstances, or 20 years of knowing you’re causing your spouse a problem and doing fuck all about it but snivel and whinge while clutching your pathetic knob.

You are dancing around trying to defend the OP this wasn’t a one off thing or brief affair at all,

. I got tested regularly, used protection and actually asked each man I met with for clean results before I did sleep with them

TenDinnerTeddy · 29/03/2023 19:03

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 19:02

You are dancing around trying to defend the OP this wasn’t a one off thing or brief affair at all,

. I got tested regularly, used protection and actually asked each man I met with for clean results before I did sleep with them

Show quote history

Yes, planned and calculated, not someone who didn’t know what they were doing.

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 19:53

You are dancing around trying to defend the OP this wasn’t a one off thing or brief affair at all

So what? Theres no dancing at all. What has her cheating got to do with his shit performance and his whinging? It’s not relevant at all to what the op wants advice about, which is her husband’s ongoing selfishness and refusal to address a serious issue in their marriage.

The op made some poor choices in her twenties under extremely traumatic circumstances. Choices that people make when they are lost and looking for comfort or escape..The op got through it the best she could with the coping skills she had at the time which were the coping skills of a twenty something woman who had no parents. Having never been in her shoes I’m not in a position to judge her, and neither are you.

Threads like this bring out the prosecutors and morality police, previously betrayed spouses who want justice done. I’ll say it again, there is more than one way to betray someone.

The husband has bullshitted the op for 20 years. He’s promised frequently to do something about it and never has. He hasn’t even tried. Do you consider that a betrayal? Because I do. I’d have binned him off years ago and fucked his friends.

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 20:00

Yes, planned and calculated, not someone who didn’t know what they were doing

Bit like the husband isn’t it. He being quite calculated isn't he, with his disgusting post sex pity parties and his promises to get treatment. It’s not someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 20:07

Threads like this bring out the prosecutors and morality police, previously betrayed spouses who want justice done. I’ll say it again, there is more than one way to betray someone.

threads like this also bring out out the “oh forget about those things you did in the past they don’t matter, all is forgiven “ crowd
the OP admits she has a beautiful family and a good life, does the OP s husband deserve to know the he has been deceived for the last 10 years, too fucking right he does, he full deserves the right to make the decision he was denied 10 years ago, he have binned his wife a decade ago and not have the last child with her

too fucking right he should the right to know

Tabitha1960 · 29/03/2023 20:16

One of my boyfriends owned a penile sleeve. Like a dildo, but a penis goes inside it. So he can have penetrative sex and if he orgasms can then just carry on for as long as the woman likes because the dildo sleeve stays hard.

Would not a simple solution like this work for you?

picklemewalnuts · 29/03/2023 20:34

Do you think if he'd gone online somewhere and described the problem, he'd have been given helpful suggestions just like those?

Yes, me too. So I guess he hasn't

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 20:38

threads like this also bring out out the “oh forget about those things you did in the past they don’t matter, all is forgiven “ crowd
the OP admits she has a beautiful family and a good life, does the OP s husband deserve to know the he has been deceived for the last 10 years, too fucking right he does, he full deserves the right to make the decision he was denied 10 years ago, he have binned his wife a decade ago and not have the last child with her

too fucking right he should the right to know

If you’re a betrayed spouse it might be best to take a break from this thread. Your anger is spewing off the page. The op didn’t betray you and your anger at the op is misplaced.

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 20:44

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 20:38

threads like this also bring out out the “oh forget about those things you did in the past they don’t matter, all is forgiven “ crowd
the OP admits she has a beautiful family and a good life, does the OP s husband deserve to know the he has been deceived for the last 10 years, too fucking right he does, he full deserves the right to make the decision he was denied 10 years ago, he have binned his wife a decade ago and not have the last child with her

too fucking right he should the right to know

If you’re a betrayed spouse it might be best to take a break from this thread. Your anger is spewing off the page. The op didn’t betray you and your anger at the op is misplaced.

And who made you boss today then?

picklemewalnuts · 29/03/2023 20:51

This thread isn't about cheating. That's not what OP is asking about.

Any comments focussing on that are irrelevant and rude.

onwardsup4 · 29/03/2023 21:01

And yet there’s probably a reason that traditionally sex was seen as a man’s duty and a wife’s right. I remember hearing this as when I was younger and thinking how strange, but the more I’m married and the more I see of these threads on mumsnet the more it makes sense…
@Hiddenmnetter I'm sure I read that in orthodox jewish religion, part of the marriage contract is that the man satisfies his wife sexually, really surprised me but how brilliant !

onwardsup4 · 29/03/2023 21:03

Sorry meant to put the first bit in speech marks

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 21:12

Any comments focussing on that are irrelevant and rude.

nope, the op should admit to her infidelity and the let her partner have the agency to make his own decisions about continuing with the marriage, this should go above and beyond any other issue

Dad234 · 29/03/2023 21:19

Get him some priligy. It works. You can order it online.

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 21:25

Dad234 · 29/03/2023 21:19

Get him some priligy. It works. You can order it online.

Thank you, will be ordering some today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 21:27

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 19:53

You are dancing around trying to defend the OP this wasn’t a one off thing or brief affair at all

So what? Theres no dancing at all. What has her cheating got to do with his shit performance and his whinging? It’s not relevant at all to what the op wants advice about, which is her husband’s ongoing selfishness and refusal to address a serious issue in their marriage.

The op made some poor choices in her twenties under extremely traumatic circumstances. Choices that people make when they are lost and looking for comfort or escape..The op got through it the best she could with the coping skills she had at the time which were the coping skills of a twenty something woman who had no parents. Having never been in her shoes I’m not in a position to judge her, and neither are you.

Threads like this bring out the prosecutors and morality police, previously betrayed spouses who want justice done. I’ll say it again, there is more than one way to betray someone.

The husband has bullshitted the op for 20 years. He’s promised frequently to do something about it and never has. He hasn’t even tried. Do you consider that a betrayal? Because I do. I’d have binned him off years ago and fucked his friends.

Thanks!

The last part made me laugh!
Thank you for keeping the conversation on topic and showing some humanity and compassion.

OP posts:
Dad234 · 29/03/2023 22:02

Brilliant. Good luck.

FirmButton · 29/03/2023 22:08

I’d be buying an F - Machine, I’m sure he’d be up for watching you enjoy that!

gerbilcrocus · 29/03/2023 22:26

And yet there’s probably a reason that traditionally sex was seen as a man’s duty and a wife’s right.

I always thought that traditionally, it was the other way round. Sex was the man's right (the wife was his chattel after all) and it was his wife's duty to respect his rights. Horrifically patriarchal of course, but that's how things were.

WishIWasACavewoman · 29/03/2023 22:26

I've read this with so much interest OP and think you're doing very well remaining open and courteous under the judgement wave.

Of course don't tell him about the affairs. I don't actually believe it's relevant anymore. Focus on saving your marriage from this point on.

I sympathise about the shit sex - I'm another one with a one minute wonder. Haven't had sex for over 5 years - it used to be so bad I would feel violated and cry afterwards. I felt as functional and valued as a wank sock. In my case there are other factors, including his chronic under-employment and avoidant communication. I'm actually impressed you're still with the programme and looking for ways to improve things. My DH would earnestly follow instructions with no ability to tune into my body or any sense of the language of sex and I got so turned off by the ineptitude that trying stuff just made it worse in the end. The fun, sexy journey a PP mentioned just wasn't available. I hope it is for you.

Hiddenmnetter · 29/03/2023 23:24

I always thought that traditionally, it was the other way round. Sex was the man's right (the wife was his chattel after all) and it was his wife's duty to respect his rights. Horrifically patriarchal of course, but that's how things were.

I think that might have been a Victorian thing, but as part of the Jewish and Catholic traditions, sex was a man’s duty- he was obliged to perform for his wife: sex was her right.

it makes sense if you consider that women’s sexuality tends to develop over time whereas men’s tends to plateau or decline, so that this selfishness is countered by cultural expectations help to counter moral failings (of which selfishness and laziness are significant ones- as OP can testify I’m sure). This makes sense even more again if you consider how important it is for the maintenance of marriage, and the centrality of marriage to the social fabric of any society.