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Original poster

Really bad sex

232 replies

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 04:58

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 29/03/2023 13:35

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 05:31

Yeah, I’ve googled over the years and suggested strategies he can implement.

I am at the point now where I think he actually doesn’t care. Why would he? He gets what he wants and gets it quickly. I think his post sex pity party is just part of his script now. As surely if it was such a big deal, he would have booked an appointment at some stage over the past 20 years.

Show quote history

Imo you've both settled for very bad sex. For long enough! What do you want to happen? I'd give him an ultimatum, tell him he either agrees to you seeking sex therapy together or you will stop having sex with him completely.

Joystir59 · 29/03/2023 13:38

I also think you checked out of the relationship when you decided to have affairs. And you will never have truely close relationship with your husband unless you admit what you did and why you did it

bunnypenny · 29/03/2023 13:40

And I never complain. I just don’t disagree with him when he says “that was shit, I’m sorry”. I don’t say “yes it was”, I literally just say “you’re ok”.

he deserves to feel good about himself afterwards.

C'mon OP. You need to start complaining. If he says it was shit, agree with him. Don't minimise it as that's doing both of you a huge disservice. Why does he "deserve to feel good about himself" when it's shit for you and he knows it?

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 13:43

I divorced my ex husband over this. Sex was over in seconds and I couldn’t kiss him or he would come in his pants. It was juvenile and ridiculous and he never tried to do anything about it. His pitiful apologies afterwards repulsed me.

Don't ever tell him about the affair. And don’t ever let him fuck on you like that ever again. He learns some self control or he doesn’t have sex.

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:44

Joystir59 · 29/03/2023 13:38

I also think you checked out of the relationship when you decided to have affairs. And you will never have truely close relationship with your husband unless you admit what you did and why you did it

Thanks for this comment and the previous one. Good advice.

I don’t think I checked out. Maybe temporarily. I had a shit period of my life. Some people turn to alcohol or drugs or whatever. I turned to no strings sex. I kind of wish I turned to heroin or alcohol or something now as I’d feel far less guilt.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:44

bunnypenny · 29/03/2023 13:40

And I never complain. I just don’t disagree with him when he says “that was shit, I’m sorry”. I don’t say “yes it was”, I literally just say “you’re ok”.

he deserves to feel good about himself afterwards.

C'mon OP. You need to start complaining. If he says it was shit, agree with him. Don't minimise it as that's doing both of you a huge disservice. Why does he "deserve to feel good about himself" when it's shit for you and he knows it?

I know you’re right x

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:45

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 13:43

I divorced my ex husband over this. Sex was over in seconds and I couldn’t kiss him or he would come in his pants. It was juvenile and ridiculous and he never tried to do anything about it. His pitiful apologies afterwards repulsed me.

Don't ever tell him about the affair. And don’t ever let him fuck on you like that ever again. He learns some self control or he doesn’t have sex.

I need you in my life! Love your no nonsense approach. Sorry you had to go through that x@

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 29/03/2023 13:46

RudsyFarmer · 29/03/2023 10:16

Post menopause you won’t give a shit and will actually be grateful. You just need to wait.

OP, I can't better the good advice you've been given. I feel for you. However I don't agree with @RudsyFarmer at all! Some women may go off sex after the menopause, but many women don't, so don't count on that!

picklemewalnuts · 29/03/2023 13:46

I'm so sorry to hear about your parents, OP. That really was crap. Flowers

Pumpkinspicedmum · 29/03/2023 13:47

I had a friend who had this issue with a previous partner. They paid to see a private urologist who recommended specific Mens Health physio as PE can sometimes be caused by a weak pelvic floor in men. As far as I am aware things improved massively after. Not perfect, but an improvement Not saying this is the cause of your husband's problem, but it might we worth considering x

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:49

picklemewalnuts · 29/03/2023 13:46

I'm so sorry to hear about your parents, OP. That really was crap. Flowers

Thank you. I really appreciate your earlier comment too.

Yep, very very shit. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:50

Pumpkinspicedmum · 29/03/2023 13:47

I had a friend who had this issue with a previous partner. They paid to see a private urologist who recommended specific Mens Health physio as PE can sometimes be caused by a weak pelvic floor in men. As far as I am aware things improved massively after. Not perfect, but an improvement Not saying this is the cause of your husband's problem, but it might we worth considering x

Definitely another avenue worth exploring. Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
MeditatingOnMars · 29/03/2023 14:20

I think you need to go to therapy together. Get it all out in the open. The affairs, the crap sex and anything else.

You can’t save a relationship and make it a healthy one if you’re not being honest. It doesn’t matter that the crap sex has been a 20 year thing or that the affairs were 10 years ago. It’s all impacting the relationship.

It’s never going to get better without just putting it all out there. Even if the sex miraculously improved, you’re still going to be carrying around this dreadful secret of the affairs you had. Bad sex and a guilty conscience, it’ll never work.

Opentooffers · 29/03/2023 14:28

My it shows how some people put a strict taboo on discussing sex between themselves. 20 years of crap sex and somehow its easier to have no strings sex than state an ultimatum- I don't blame you, it just reflect the level fear you've built up in your head of challenging it possibly causing the breakdown of what is otherwise a great relationship by the sounds of it.
I doubt at this point that facing it would cause any further damage to your relationship. There were always solutions that you have been unwise in leaving it up to him to explore, with the result that he hasn't.
Given that you are going through the motions and getting it over with, it appears he still has a desire for sex. This is what to use as your incentive for him to do something about it. Tell him that in no uncertain terms, sex will not happen again if he doesn't go to his GP. If that doesn't work and he choses celibacy rather than GP, next suggest opening up the marriage ( whether you want to or not). Let him absorb the seriousness and it may just be the push he's needed all this time.
It's sad that all this could of been resolved by the simple task of popping a pill - which have been available for over a decade now - and yet he hasn't tried it. Not exactly a hardship is it?

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 14:56

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:48

Thank you and wow that’s grey the situation resolved for you x

Show quote history

A lot of ADs are SSRI based so delayed ejaculation is common side affect, take a look at Prilgy (PE treatment) it’s SSRI based

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 15:26

Opentooffers · 29/03/2023 14:28

My it shows how some people put a strict taboo on discussing sex between themselves. 20 years of crap sex and somehow its easier to have no strings sex than state an ultimatum- I don't blame you, it just reflect the level fear you've built up in your head of challenging it possibly causing the breakdown of what is otherwise a great relationship by the sounds of it.
I doubt at this point that facing it would cause any further damage to your relationship. There were always solutions that you have been unwise in leaving it up to him to explore, with the result that he hasn't.
Given that you are going through the motions and getting it over with, it appears he still has a desire for sex. This is what to use as your incentive for him to do something about it. Tell him that in no uncertain terms, sex will not happen again if he doesn't go to his GP. If that doesn't work and he choses celibacy rather than GP, next suggest opening up the marriage ( whether you want to or not). Let him absorb the seriousness and it may just be the push he's needed all this time.
It's sad that all this could of been resolved by the simple task of popping a pill - which have been available for over a decade now - and yet he hasn't tried it. Not exactly a hardship is it?

Good call for honesty here, when would the also admit her affairs ten years ago, would that before or after saying she wants an open marriage ??

Opentooffers · 29/03/2023 15:52

Admitting to the affairs will serve no good purpose whatsoever. It would be madness at this stage to do so. All it would do would hurt her DH, likely split the marriage, affecting DC's lives, possibly spiral her DH into depression about it an make the OP feel even more shit as she watches the destruction. For what good end? To satisfy a few sanctimonious people on a website who say she should? People who would bot have to live with the fallout? It's all to easy to advise that way.
Not saying OP was justified in having affairs, I think she's got that now in the last 10 years. Clearly the right thing to do was sort it out from the start many years ago, that's on her and him - but is clearly less easy as an 18 year old, now it looks like she might have the gumption.

confessionstoday · 29/03/2023 16:31

Don't tell him about the affair now. It won't achieve anything.

But hell would I be putting up with shit sex like for any longer. Sit down and have a frank open conversation. That's not normal.

You're gonna have to be brutal I'm afraid. Yes it will hurt him but it's either that or it continues.

NotNowMartha · 29/03/2023 16:34

Another one whos exH was like this. Didnt want to talk about it, didnt want to go to therapy, didnt pay attention to what I suggested or the articles I sent and books on how to please a woman. He was a lazy H in other ways too. After 18 years the last 10 of which were in separate rooms and a marriage devoid of any sex at all (which he’d bemoan regularly despite knowing I’d get no pleasure at all from his clumsy fumblings and PE) I wised up and realised he didnt sort it because he didnt WANT to.
I left
I’m now in a relationship with a man who LOVES to give me pleasure, always makes sure I orgasm every time, and who lasts for ages.
He has his faults outside the bedroom, no man will be perfect… but his attitude between the sheets more than make up for those.
You get one life.

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 17:07

confessionstoday · 29/03/2023 16:31

Don't tell him about the affair now. It won't achieve anything.

But hell would I be putting up with shit sex like for any longer. Sit down and have a frank open conversation. That's not normal.

You're gonna have to be brutal I'm afraid. Yes it will hurt him but it's either that or it continues.

Talk about double standards.

So it’s okay for the OP to have a frank and open conversation about shit sex, but not have a frank and open conversation about how she used to sleep with other men, just sweep that bit under the carpet shall we ?

HairyKitty · 29/03/2023 17:21

I’m very sorry OP, it’s not a prem ejaculation problem but a selfish partner problem. I have a very good sex life in exactly same situation you describe, except I am always fulfilled first (piv) and him second (literally seconds later) - whatever it takes to get me to get to the point of readiness always comes first. Overall sex will be 15-45 mins whilst piv probs 20/30 seconds max at a time.

MeditatingOnMars · 29/03/2023 17:25

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 17:07

Talk about double standards.

So it’s okay for the OP to have a frank and open conversation about shit sex, but not have a frank and open conversation about how she used to sleep with other men, just sweep that bit under the carpet shall we ?

Show quote history

It’s does seem some very strange logic.

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 17:28

I think this is an attitude problem on his part.

My DH can be similar in terms of not lasting long, however he is mindful of this and will practise stop/start or whatever it takes in order not to be shit in bed. He actively dislikes being quick - both for my sake and for his own.

He's also excellent at oral and always makes me come first.

I don't believe your H has absolutely zero self-control. He's choosing not to bother.

Mixkle · 29/03/2023 17:56

The sad thing is, medication like viagra could probably have sorted this out years ago.

I think all you can do is tell him you are seriously unhappy in the marriage because you are so sexually frustrated, but 1 minute sex makes it worse not better, and you simply aren’t willing to have 1 minute sex anymore, either he seeks medical help or it’s difficult to see how the marriage can continue.

Hideous conversation to have, obviously.

gerbilcrocus · 29/03/2023 18:38

Mixkle · 29/03/2023 17:56

The sad thing is, medication like viagra could probably have sorted this out years ago.

I think all you can do is tell him you are seriously unhappy in the marriage because you are so sexually frustrated, but 1 minute sex makes it worse not better, and you simply aren’t willing to have 1 minute sex anymore, either he seeks medical help or it’s difficult to see how the marriage can continue.

Hideous conversation to have, obviously.

But Viagra is for man with the opposite problem! Yes, it makes them last alright, but in a very different way! It would be like giving diet pills to someone who's anorexic because diet pills deal with "weight problems".

I'd have thought the last thing he needs is a drug that makes him throb even harder!