How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

It's wholly understandable you'd want him to regret it, but important to note that you don't need him to. Because whether or not he comes to regret this, it has no reflection whatsoever on the fine person you are. It's clear from your posts that you're a very good sort, so please stop telling yourself otherwise. You're coping incredibly well - take every opportunity you can to be kind to yourself.

Thank you @LaffTaff, and once again, @Thewookiemustgo for your very wise words. I've read and reread them, and they're sinking in.

The strong tootired is back today!

He sent me a text last night to say he was sorry we were hurt. It's dripping with victim mentality, and blaming others. I'm starting to finally see him for the weak coward he really is.

He sent me a text last night to say he was sorry we were hurt.
Oh, a "mistakes were made" message? Yeay.

My ex eventually said he was "sorry for breaking up our family". I said that wasn't what I wanted an apology for, and named the specific things that deserved an apology in a matter-of-fact manner, without expecting or receiving an apology for that, of course.
I no longer want an apology or any recognition that he did anything wrong. I've got it straight in my head without any of that, now. It takes a while but you'll get there.

@80s yeah one of those! He even had the audacity to say that his daughters hadn’t bothered to message him much either, so what was he supposed to do? And that he had an invite to do something the only time they were free. Honestly. What could be more important than seeing your children, that you abandoned??

Even, went as far as to say he was being punished for trying to do the right thing, and as usual he’s wrong again. Poor me ! Unbelievable.

I can’t explain how mad it has made me.

Glad you got an apology, of sorts!

The best thing is probably not to even mention it to him; just ask the kids if they have arranged to meet up with him - do it from that side only. "Are you meeting your dad? No? Oh, why don't you arrange it for next week maybe. Yes? Oh, lovely." If you say anything that can be perceived as criticism/negative he'll start claiming that you diss him in front of the children and that's why they are not interested in contacting him; you're poisoning their minds about him, that kind of thing. It's all a means of drawing attention away from his faults, though, and not worth wasting your thoughts on too much. You have better things to do :)

@Tootiredtosleep ignore the texts. If he’s acting like a victim then he’s not really sorry you’re hurt. “I’m sorry, but…..” is no kind of an apology. Maybe now it’s finally sinking in that the change in his life he thinks he wants is coming at a huge cost and that his actions have been cold and unfeeling. Maybe he’s seeing that the “problems” he thought he needed to get away from jade somehow miraculously followed him into his shiny new life and he just might realise that the reason for that is because he is the problem, not you. Everything he directs at you is a smokescreen to stop him having to look at himself and his actions and morals. If he’s stressed and angry and seeing what a shit storm he’s in, because if his own choices and decisions, there is nowhere for that stress and anger to go: he’s the author of his own downfall. This only feels ten times worse, so he’ll be desperately scrambling around to find a direction for the pain he’s causing himself, and he finds you. Now he’s a victim and he decides that actually you are to blame for his choices, and his anger and spite and frustration can head your way instead of where it belongs, with himself. Cowardly and weak is right. It sounds as if the novelty is wearing off, none of this has improved his lot and reality is setting in. He can also see how awful he’s been so is trying to mitigate that by thinking he’s “apologised” and must therefore be a nice man despite all he’s done. Pah. He’s like a pane of glass. You can see right through him and that there’s no backbone, and one decent punch of any kind would shatter him.
Sounds to me like he’s starting to see that what’s left of his conscience will eat him alive if he ever dares listen to it. His own personal Jiminy Cricket has morphed into a twenty-stone angry cockroach bellowing into his ear, so all this rubbish spouts out of his mouth to try to drown it out.
You’re doing great, Tootired. No need to listen to his BS. XX

You're so wise @Thewookiemustgo !! In his defence, the text was in response to something I asked him. So, he didn't volunteer his pity party, but I received it nonetheless!!

I am starting to see myself as the strong one that is coping, and carrying on, looking after the house, the children, the dog, going to work every day. Now I also have to sort out a divorce, and sell the car... I could go on. The list is endless!

I'd be very tempted to text back something along the lines of:

'You've only got yourself to blame, you made the choice and the decision to leave' 'going forward please only discuss x, I'm not interested in your personal life'

Or you could keep it simple with 'I don't give a fuck'

Just thought I'd update that I've applied for the divorce today - on our wedding anniversary. ExDH is pretty happy to go ahead with it. In fact, he's pushing it. So, he doesn't appear to have any regrets at all.

He's meeting our youngest DD today, and it really hurts (I haven't told her this) just venting here. I want her to hate him, but I know that's unreasonable. He's her Dad after all.

I haven't cried, I just feel numb. I've gone from thinking I had a loving husband to getting a divorce in just over 6 weeks, with no opportunity to discuss it. It's so cruel that it's hard to get my head around it. We weren't perfect, we had issues. But I thought we could overcome them, as we loved each other. How wrong I was.

I don't know what shiny new life he thinks he's going to get after this. We will eventually have to sell our home. He'll blow the money he gets on rubbish, whilst I struggle to get another home for me and our children. I'm facing them embarking on their new lives (which they should) and being left mourning the life I thought I was going to have. For what? I don't get it. I really, really don't.

But... I'm at work, I'm plodding on. Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. They've been invaluable.

I'm in awe of how strong and decisive you are being. Also how far you've come in just a few weeks. Don't look back - you're not going that way.

Thank you @Allboundformoomooland I don't feel strong and decisive. I feel like a wreck today!

@Tootiredtosleep I’m so sorry you are going through this, it really must be a terrible shock followed by what at the moment looks like a mountain to climb. In the light of that, be patient and kind to yourself and give yourself time. Time to absorb the shock, time to rage and time to grieve, time to start healing and time to regroup. Don’t be frustrated with yourself for ‘feeling like a wreck’ or feeling like you can’t cope. This is a huge roller coaster to ride, there’s no gradual upward trajectory, sadly. One day you will feel strong and try to move mountains, without realising the toll that moving those mountains takes on you until the next day, when you feel exhausted and demoralised all over again. But you will make it. I listened to a very interesting podcast the other day which explains the emotional roller coaster caused by betrayal really well. We have two instinctive systems as humans which kick in automatically, from birth. When we are born we are programmed to bond. To attach. This is how we survive. We are also programmed to run away from or fight things we perceive as threats, also a survival mechanism. So when we feel threatened or anxious, we seek out the people and things we have bonded to which restore our feelings of safety and security. Both systems this work in harmony to keep us safe. Children seek out a parent when anxious or hurt to feel soothed and safe again. So if we are anxious or stressed as adults, we will more than likely reach out to our partner as our primary source of safety and comfort.
But what happens if our main source of comfort and safety has suddenly become a source of pain and threat and makes us feel unsafe? The bonding and fight or flight systems are now diametrically opposed. We are hurt, we are angry, so we rage at our partner and distance ourselves, then in our pain, seemingly inexplicably, we are also drawn to want to contact them, draw them near, restore everything as it was. This push/ pull dynamic can make us feel like we’re going crazy but it’s actually very normal. Don’t ever feel ashamed if one day you feel strong and ready to stride forward without him, but then sometimes even during the same day you just want him back, regardless of what he’s done. Of course, having him back is a really foolish thing to do and impossible, and your rational brain will know this. But this helps explain why one day you feel strong, on another day you’re not. One day you hate him and want to buy him
a one way ticket to hell, and another day you miss him and just want him back. It’s normal, just the two automatic survival systems you have at war with one another. You or will learn a new way to survive. You are also bonded to your family and friends, and will find your safety in contact with them. The more you reach out and do this, will strengthen the bonds with them and slowly untie the old ones you had with him. The fluctuation and roller coaster will stop. So be kind to yourself, reach out when you need to, and never beat yourself up if you ever feel like you still love him or want him. It doesn’t mean you do or should, it just means you’re feeling bad and it’s your old way of feeling better trying to kick in. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or stupid, just normal. New ways of feeling safe will strengthen and you will come out if this stronger than ever, no matter how bad you feel today. Take care of yourself X

The podcast was with an American counsellor/ psychologist called Michelle Mays, in case you want to look her up. She’s written books too, they’re on Amazon. X

Vicky Stark’s book ‘Runaway Husbands’ is also a good resource. Just reading other people’s stories in the reviews on Amazon shows you how sadly common this is. X

https://www.runawayhusbands.com/.

Here is Vicky Stark’s website. She writes from personal experience and from talking to hundreds of women that this happened to. I hope that at the very least it might help you feel less alone. X

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply @Thewookiemustgo. I've joined the website, and downloaded the book. There is a lot of great inspirational women on the website. I'm channelling their strength!

Feeling positive today about the future and moving forward.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed and helped. I'll update if anything changes. But for now exDH is still a lying, cheating, coward, who can't even bring himself to face his children. I doubt that's going to change anytime soon!

So, the divorce application has been accepted by the courts. It has made me extremely sad. We loved each other once. I would have been prepared to work on it, but I didn't get the chance.

I don't think I will ever get over it. Someone please tell me it gets easier? As I don't think I can cope. It's so final.

One day at a time op.

It will get easier. The adage that time is a healer applies here. You're coping, and you'll continue to cope.
You're bound to feel sad at the moment. Allow yourself to grieve, but also allow yourself time to just be, look for opportunities to distract yourself from constant thinking about it - treat yourself to a massage, a relaxing meal with friends or family, even just a walk in the fresh air. Anything that helps shift your attention, and reminds you that you matter.

Sometimes you have to just accept it’s shit and cry about it, get it all out. Of course this hurts, it would hurt anyone and I imagine you’re feeling physical pain too, you just have to let time pass. Time heals. Try to keep positive, try to look ahead.

I don't think I will ever get over it.
That's what I felt too, but I did. Took ages, and always with the odd moment where it felt like I was back at square one again, or the odd pang of nostalgia, but those moments gradually got less frequent and less severe. Now I have a different life with different hopes for the future and the old hopes and old future are honestly in the past.

Thanks you @80s. How long did that take? I am having some glimpses of feeling like I can be happy again, but they are few and far between.

I have a nice busy weekend planned with family. It's his 50th birthday this

It was a gradual process - so a few months of feeling physically and mentally shit, then that passed but I still felt quite down. After maybe 18 months I started going out and doing things and enjoying it. But even a few years down the road I'd still have the odd moment when I remembered something I'd been looking forward to and that now wasn't going to happen, and had a pang of sadness. It's ten years ago now and I don't feel like that at all any more. Obviously it's not ideal that e.g. if my dd gets married then her mum and dad won't organise and attend it together, but it's not something I'll lose sleep over.

Thank you @80s. Sounds like a long road! But you've done amazingly well.

It's been 7 weeks now, and I am just carrying around a sadness that I can't shake. Nothing feels the same. There's no happiness in anything I do. I'm just going through the motions of living life. The future I thought I had is gone, and it seems the past was a lie. It's such a difficult thing to deal with.

It's his 50th birthday this weekend. The day we were going to surprise him with his trip to New York. Something that he's always wanted to do. Instead, we are going on our own. But... we are looking forward to it. I firmly believe he's the one missing out.

7 weeks and still no admission of another woman. The signs are all there, just wish he would admit it. Sigh.

@Tootiredtosleep You are still at the early stages.

In reflection I can see that the recovery really only started once the divorce was done because until then I was still living a life in transition as house, finances etc were not settled. Of course I functioned as I had to, for the children, but I couldn't restart my life as I didn't have a firm base.

In my case OW appeared only once ex felt finances were settled. She left her H at the same time so there was definitely overlap but they constructed an elaborate but not credible story to hide the affair. Ow was known to me Her appearance did set me back as I had to join up the dots and all of his decisions and actions suddenly made sense.

It wasn't linear, some days I was able to live my life but on other days I would ruminate and feel sadness - especially when Ex acted like a complete twat and let down the children.

There is no short cut to healing and the sad days have to come. All we can reassure you is that it doesn't last forever.