How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

Thank you @Livinghappy.

Why do they (men) lie about the OW? I would actually feel better if he would just admit it. I can then accept it, and try and move on. Instead I'm in this limbo, thinking he may come back. He's just having a breakdown. Even though I wouldn't have him back, I still have very strong feelings that I want him to. I want normality back.

In the last 12 months he's been distant, unloving, his personality has changed. He was seen deleting text threads and WhatsApp messages by DD16. I seen that he had called the same woman (a friend he's had for a while) on his phone for chats (45 minutes) when he was walking the dog. She unfriended and blocked me, and blocked the girls and other members of my family, on Facebook (for no reason - she wasn't even friends with them). She got a job at his place of work, then she left. Then he left and got another job (without discussing it with me). He didn't tell me she was working there at all. I found out through someone else. And he's making me feel like I'm mad and they're 'just friends'. He must think we're all stupid.

Oh, and his location services on iPhone suddenly stopped working 😂

I'm sure there's more!

Case closed, I'd say.

They don't want to be the baddy, it's that simple. Part of the excitement comes from hiding it from the wife/husband, lying and sneaking around, but obviously it's also extremely seedy, and somewhere they're ashamed of it and don't want people to find out all the dirty details and judge them. Plus they have to distance themselves from their spouse mentally in order to be able to have the affair, so they tell themselves that it's the spouse's fault, etc. You can't keep your spouse at a distance and open up to them at the same time. And they're afraid (not without reason) that the spouse will flip out and harangue the OW/OM, boil bunnies and all that.

That sounds about right, @80s .

To keep denying it, faced with all this evidence, and to swear on your kids lives. It's making me feel like I'm going mad.

I just have to put it to the back of mind. Concentrate on me and the girls, and move on. The truth will always come out.

I snooped on my ex in the end and knew exactly what he'd been up to, but didn't want to show him my cards straight away so initially just revealed some of what I knew - just saying I'd spoken to the OW's husband. He kept saying things like "you don't know that!" or "you can't be so sure" and in that moment I realised that he'd never said outright that he wasn't having an affair - he'd always just said things like that, or attacked my character to distract me and I'd taken it as a denial. The closest he came to it was "I'd never do anything like that", but that still wasn't "I didn't do that", iyswim. He couldn't get a direct denial out!

I want to snoop so much, but there's nothing for me to do. He has gone! If I'd have known beforehand, I'd definitely have got more information. There are people I could ask, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction. He has to live with him self at the end of the day. My conscious is clear.

I'm glad you are doing so much better.

I only snooped as he was refusing to leave the house, though we'd agreed to separate, and when I started looking for flats for me and the kids, he accused me of taking them out of their familiar surroundings, so I felt too guilty to leave myself. It was only when I got the evidence (emails) and kept bringing the topic up when we were alone that he found his own place very rapidly.
After I had that evidence I realised that what I'd had before was enough really - just the kind of things you have - and it was only his gaslighting that made me think it might not prove anything.

Hi OP, I’m in a similar position, my partner told me out of the blue it was over back in February. We were not together anywhere near as long as you and your stb exH but do have an almost two year old.

I also see huge signs of OW but he won’t admit to anything even after all this time and even though the signs are still obviously present. I’m kind of trying to look at it like the man I thought I knew wasn’t really real, and if he can disrespect me to this level then I shouldn’t really want to be with a man like that, and he will ultimately show the same disrespect to whoever he ends up with.

However, I still feel deep sadness, I’m okay most days, I’m functioning and getting on with life as best I can but obviously we have to have regular contact and see each other regularly for our DC which makes it harder for me.
i feel the same almost disbelief that we were fine (or so I thought) then suddenly we weren’t and he had left. I still miss him very much and weekends and holidays are very hard, I feel that the summer will be very hard, I feel so sad when I see happy families enjoying their time together, I feel sad for myself and even more so for our DC.

I’m probably not making you feel any better but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. It feels like the loneliest thing in the world doesn’t it xx

Hi @Whereismyfairytale. I'm sorry you are going through something similar. Having to look after a 2 year old, when you feel so sad, must be extremely difficult. I'm sorry that you have to go through this too.

Why do these men do it? I can't get my head around it?!

It is the loneliest feeling in the world. Although, at 7 weeks in, it is getting easier.

Take care of yourself 💐

@Tootiredtosleep its just hideous. As a poster said above, it’s to stop them looking like ‘the bad guy’ and try to lend credence to ‘I was just unhappy’. For some reason they actually think people might decide an out of the blue abandonment is more ‘honourable’ than just another stupid older guy running away with OW. 🙄 No idea why they do it, it always sounds like a midlife crisis ‘life’s too short’ plus enjoying the attention from somebody else. Suddenly ‘they still got it’ and off it goes. Sadly he’s just another predictably common or garden cheat. That fact won’t sit well with the pathetic crap he’s using as his ‘conscience’ and certainly won’t help his relationship with his kids by a country mile, so he needs to be seen as leaving for other more ‘palatable’ reasons than cheating. Lo and behold, he’s suddenly met a woman at work that he’s hit it off with in his new job…🙄 There are far too many coincidences for this woman not to be the OW, I think. It sounds very callously planned by the pair of them and they deserve each other, horrible pair.
Easy to say, hard to do, but whatever they say or do isn’t relevant now, don’t let them live in your head rent-free. Empty that space for those you love and those who love you now, fill your head with people who build you up, not tear you down. They don’t get to take up your time and energy any more.
Take time to grieve all of this. Only 7 weeks! You must still be reeling from the shock of it all. Allow yourself to feel as shit as you want to, it’s perfectly ok to not be ok, nobody would expect any different. How would you treat a much loved friend, or (God forbid) your own daughter in this situation? Well, you deserve the same kind , loving and concerned treatment, so be kind to yourself, go very easy on yourself, do not entertain conversations in your head in which you try to work out why, unless it’s all about him. Because you are not to blame. He is.
Remind yourself what a good woman you are, that you would never, ever treat anyone, even a stranger, in this way. You’ll soon realise that this is on him and him alone.
The future looks scary now, maybe even sad and lonely, but it’s not and it won’t be. It won’t be the future you thought you would have, no, but it will be the future you plan now. Your future. Your agenda, your life filled with the things you love. Use this upcoming weekend to see the positives of your future planned by your rules, your ideas. Whatever you do in New York can be what you like, what you want to do, the places you want to see when you want to see them. It’s your turn now. Of course your mojo has disappeared temporarily and no bloody wonder. But it’s not forever, it’s a protection mechanism to tell you to slow down, heal yourself, take your time, expect less of yourself for a while. The sun will shine for you again, Tootired. You can’t see it yet for the clouds, but it’s always there. When that aeroplane to New York soars upwards and cuts through the cloudy grey, you’ll burst into the sunshine and blue sky. It was there all the time. Rise above his grey clouds and shitty behaviour. Rise into the blue. From up there the clouds will get smaller and look far away, below and beneath you.
It’s all there waiting for you, Tootired. You’ll get through those clouds and find your sun. XX

@Thewookiemustgo What a lovely post and I hope you are doing ok.

Why do they lie? Definitely to protect their image, to themselves and others. They are in denial as it's the only way to protect their fragile egos. They seek attention from outside the relationship and rather than acknowledge they are weak, needy and selfish they have to blame their spouse to excuse their cheating.

It's why cheaters tend to always cheat...because the issue is with them, not the partner. It baffles me why the OW would trust any man who they know is a proven liar. Do they really think they have the "love story" . How he treats you will also be her fate.

It baffles me why the OW would trust any man who they know is a proven liar.
The OW/OM is often also cheating on their own partner, and if not, is having an affair with someone who's married. So the OW/OM is busy explaining to themself why the affair and lying are fine, too. They know that they are lying, and that nonetheless they are actually nice really, so why shouldn't the other liar be nice really?

@Livinghappy and @80s absolutely. The life blood of affairs is lies. Can’t function without them. There’s the obvious lying out of what they see as only necessity, to allow the affair to continue undetected ie the affair partners who are attached lie to their partners about their whereabouts and what they were doing etc.
But then there’s the stuff which allows affair partners to see each other as victims, not perpetrators. They know that their affair partner is a liar, they have solid, frequent proof, but they want to believe that their affair partner is a good choice so they decide that the affair partner is only lying selectively. They decide they only lie to their betrayed partner, but not to them. They even sometimes dress this lying up as making them out to be special and ‘chosen’. It becomes “look at the risks he’s taking for me, look at the lies he’s telling his wife to enable him to see me, to be with me. I’m so preferred, so special that I’ve made a man who is a really nice guy lie to his wife just to be able to spend time with me.” Men are not nice guys when they are cheating, and women are not being nice women when they are cheating. The most spectacular and toxic lies, however, which to me are the dividing factor about who would or would never cheat. The lies they tell themselves to enable them to do something that they know, they absolutely know, is morally wrong. They know cheating is bad, but they want to be a good person, but they want to cheat….how to square the circle? This cognitive dissonance is very, very uncomfortable so they start inventing stuff or exaggerating flaws to make their parter the bad guy and convince themselves that they have no choice other than cheat, it’s not their fault, they are victims, don’t they deserve to be happy etc etc and it’s better to cheat than upset the children and anyway they practically forced me to do it…. Blah blah. If you can twist things and Moshe yourself believe stuff to assuage or eradicate guilt and conscience, you can cheat. I swear I have no commission or relatives who wrote this book, 😂 (I quote it a lot) but read “Mistakes were made, but not by me.” about humans lying to themselves to excuse crossing lines they never, ever thought they’d cross in many areas of life, It’s fascinating!

Also, both affair partners are invested in believing each other. Add a dose of ‘fate’ eg ‘we had to find each other’ ‘it was destiny’ to heighten the whole ‘soulmate’ and ‘true love’ stuff (which I most cases can’t stand reality intruding and evaporates in a poof of truth on discovery or dies slowly as real life sets in) and they wouldn’t recognise a big fat whopper of a lie any longer, even if it bit them on the arse.

I totally understand how you our feeling, my husband packed up and moved out while I was at a meeting for our son ! He waited for me to get back at tea time with the little one to phone him to be told he has moved out and wasn’t coming back, that was 5 weeks ago and he hasn’t been in touch to see our son.

Totally agree with the they must be the victims at all costs

@Kindheartedperson I hope you are OK. That's ahocking...What in their past has made men like this?? They are weak individuals who are completely selfish.

@Livinghappy thank you for your reply, I’m getting there I have my good days and bad days to days been a bad day , feel sorry for our little boy who keeps crying for his daddy he has asd so struggles with change.

Hi. Sorry it's been a while! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, @Thewookiemustgo. You are very kind, and your words are such a comfort, in what is a very difficult time for me and my girls.

We're 8 weeks in now. We've past the time we would be giving him his surprise for his 50th Birthday. Instead, according to various reports, he was pissed up at an event, having the time of his life. Still denying the existence of another woman, despite all the evidence. I wish I could get stronger evidence, but I guess it doesn't matter one way or the other. Except, I think if our DDs know there is another woman, it will affect their relationship moving forward.

We don't go until next week, but we're starting to really look forward to it. We've booked to do some things that he wouldn't want to do at all. So, we are very excited about those!

@Kindheartedperson and @Livinghappy sorry to hear that happened to you. How are you doing now?

Thank you too @80s, your insights have helped massively.

I've been to see my solicitor. She's just great. We are starting the ball rolling with regards the consent order. He's not replying to any emails. Burying his head in the sand. I'm not going to ring him as I know he will want me to answer all his questions, and I am not doing that for him any longer. I've carried him for over 20 years. He's on his own now.

I've carried him for over 20 years. He's on his own now.

That 👆 is bona fide progress! 🙌

Have an amazing holiday (and go easy on yourself, should you have the odd moment/wobble while you're away; in the circumstances, it's to be expected).

It sure is @LaffTaff !! I can't believe the progress I've made in 8 weeks. I'm surprising myself. I do still have wobbles, like you say these are to be expected. But, I don't recognise the woman who started the original thread. I am so much better, and in a shorter period of time than I thought! Thank you.

@Tootiredtosleep fabulous to hear you sounding so positive and forward looking. Expect wobbly days and a roller coaster at times, but keep in mind on those days that you’ve already proved to yourself how amazing and capable and resilient you are. I hope you have a wonderful time with your girls. X

@Thewookiemustgo thank you 💐

Just coming on to give an update, for anyone who might be interested. Especially @80s, @Thewookiemustgo, @EvlisPersley , @LaffTaff sorry if I’ve forgotten anyone.

Me and my beautiful girls went on our trip to New York. I felt strong and empowered. A girl’s trip that we all deserved.

On the first night I received a message via Instagram that told me my DH had been having an affair for 10 years. Ten whole years. They wouldn’t say who they were, but I suspect it was the other woman. Trying to ruin our time away. I knew it to be true, as they had personal details that only me and DH knew.

Devastated was an understatement. How can I not have known for 10 years? We have done so much in that time. It’s so shocking, that I just can’t comprehend it.

DH is only giving brief details. He’s confirmed that it did start 10 years ago, but hasn’t been permanent that whole time. That it’s over, and it’s likely her messaging me to get at him.

How do I deal with this? He’s stolen 10 years of my life. It’s totally devastating. And he’s still trying to fight for more money, so I will likely lose our home as well.

Any help would be appreciated.

Jesus, @Tootiredtosleep, that's shocking. What an awful, awful man he is.

The only suggestion I can make is to focus on you and your girls, your needs and well being. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, but I don't think you will go far wrong if that's your focus.

Is he displaying any guilt or remorse at all about his behaviour? He's a shit.