How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

Your rose tinting it.your life with him wasn't this cosy feeling your yearning for back.

More than likely @Itsgottobeme. But we had some very good times, and were incredibly close at one point. So, it's extremely hard to wipe all those memories away. I just miss him. But time moves on, and I'm sure I will get over it.

Just take a day at a time. Reach out to those you can trust. Journal write out your feelings. I found that to help. Get out the house even if it’s just a short walk. As you gradually start to feel better make plans. A holiday for you and the kids? Day out in the city? Plans can change maybe early retirement can be cancelled to retrain as something different. You can do this.

Thank you @Thisgirlcan21 . We're definitely taking our girls trip to New York! I'm hoping I feel better in 6 weeks, which is when we go.

I just feel his absence so much. I've reached out to some friends today, and it feels a bit better already.

It's been nearly 4 weeks now, and I am starting to feel worse. I just don't think I can do this. I can't bear the long Easter weekend, with everyone off doing things, enjoying their time off. When I just have this huge empty void in my life. How can anyone do this?

im sorry you are feeling so bad. But telling yourself things that are not true won’t help you.

Every one is NOT off doing fun things. lost of people are working or sitting at home because they they don’t have the money / time / health to go out and have fun. Or because they are carers or disabled . Or they are siting watching a loved one die in hospital .

Im afraid a whole new fun social life isn’t going to come knocking on your door. You need to contact some of your friends and family and ask them to do stuff together.

Or plan nice things to do alone - a trip to a new city to sightsee, a visit to the coast or a country park with the dog. Order in some food and binge on a box set. Whatever rocks your boat.

Take up a new hobby or sport that interests you.

you have a job, a home , a supportive family and a dog. You need to be proactive here . I know it’s hard, I have been there. But sitting at home fantasying that everyone life is perfect except yours is not going to help you.

If it helps I will spending Easter Weekend helping my STBXH move out of our family home while my 2 kids cry about it. It's not all fun and games.

Hi tootired.
This happened to me a few years ago: husband walked out leaving me with our baby son. He cleaned out our bank accounts, leaving me penniless and massively in debt. He'd planned it all beforehand.

The pain and terror was indescribable. I really hear you. It felt like bood poisoning...the adrenalin was constant and debilitating. I also wanted to know when and if that physical pain, the shakes, the sweats, the insomnia would ever end. I drank rescue remedy by the gallon. I lost three stone. I had to battle with the bank. All while looking after my gorgeous baby.

I cried constantly. I couldn't leave the house to start with. It was shockingly bad. It was like a sudden death only I couldn't grieve or mourn him. I found it hard to look at the baby directly sometimes because he had his father's eyes. I felt so sad for my son and was terrified he would be damaged.

I also blamed myself in the early days: I didn't give H enough sex? He'd had a nervous breakdown?

I started to turn a corner after four months of taking small daily steps as pp have advised. I would maybe go an hour or two without thinking about him. I was able to go to the supermarket in the day when it was more crowded instead of the evening. My 2 best friends were able to stop ringing me up every morning and evening to check in. (I had no family support and H's family dropped us like hot bricks the moment he left.)

I started to sleep a bit better.

I cut up all his fancy shirts and ties, and cleared out some of his stuff. Threw lots of his crap away. I started to feel angry.

I was on maternity leave when he walked out but was offered redundancy and took it. Used some of the money to clear the debts. Got a part-time mundane job that involved no emotions or stress.

I would say that once the physical pain had abated I just hung on. The first year of anniversaries/milestones was v hard - our birthdays, wedding anniversary, valentines day, mothers day, fathers day, christmas, NY's Eve etc. But once I'd done them, they just got easier each year.

I have never had another partner, my son is now a teenager and I am nearly 60. I have a small ex-council home which I own outright and have finally found a job that I absolutely love (badly paid but hey so what.) Financially I have really struggled but I'm bloody proud of myself. My son is a typical teen but a great lad.

One weird thing that always helped: I had an open fire in the beautiful old house I lived in when we were married, and I lit it all the time - every evening. It was very comforting. In the house we live in now I had a woodburner fitted. I light it all the time. It makes me feel safe and is so pretty when it's dark outside.

You WILL get through this. You WILL find happy times. You WILL stop thinking about him and your married life. Your children are your lifeline and the continuation of YOU. Please hang in there.

Your H is a shitbag.

Thank you everyone. The rational part of me knows that not everyone is doing happy family things. But it seems to be all I can see! It's torturous.

Sorry to hear you had such a hard time @Spopssas , and your new set up sounds lovely. You explain how exactly how I feel right now more eloquently that I can. It's a visceral pain, and nothing makes it go away.

Hope the weekend doesn't go too bad @TotallyLosttonight. Sounds hard for your children.

I have a burning desire to find out if he is seeing someone else. I know it's going to hurt me more, but it's the only explanation I can give to this. He's walked out of his life, his kids, dog, everything. For what? There has to be another woman, and I wish he would just admit it.

@Tootiredtosleep even if there is, it doesn’t mean she’s worth more than the life he had before or his kids or you or even the bloody dog. You deserve the truth, however, whatever that is. I find it hard to believe there isn’t, because men (if statistics are to be believed) rarely walk out on their families without another relationship to go to, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. If there is, he will only admit to what you can prove, and even then might still try to lie and gaslight his way out of it. When things make no sense in life it is usually because what you have been told is total bollocks, or because you are missing a vital piece of information, or both. Whatever his reasons are, he has to stand by them and live them, thank God they have nothing to do with you or anything he says you did or did not do. You are and always were enough. The deficit is in him, not you. Whatever life he is living now, is his choice, his responsibility, nobody forced him and he must own every second of it.
I would try (easy to say but not to do) to focus on you, your life, your day or even just next hour ahead, one foot in front of the other.
Of course you miss him, no matter how badly he has behaved and continues to behave, he has been a huge part of your life and this is an abrupt, unwanted, massive change. It’s completely understandable and part of the grieving process. One step at a time, and you will start to find a new routine, a new way of living. It’s so, so hard now, so don’t look even as far as the weekend. Look as far as you need to or have to. It might be just living in the moment, deciding what the next hour looks like, then the next one, and the next one…. or you might feel ok to plan tomorrow. But looking ahead is looking into the great unknown and never does anyone any good, we can’t control our future and we can’t say that it will definitely even happen at all.
The only thing we have for certain is the present moment. We can do nothing about yesterday, it’s gone, tomorrow is not a given, not promised. The present is actually all we have for certain. Inhabit the present moment fully as often as you can. In any circumstances, it’s a very healthy way to live. Things that look bleak when we contemplate into the future might be ok if we just work on the now.

What you need to accept is he isn’t like you, not the same morals, not the same values of life etc.
just don’t give a f* about what he’s doing or who with who actually cares.
Get on with your own life! He doesn’t and never did deserve the life with you and your kids. Set yourself free!

@Thewookiemustgo thank you, thank you. What a reasoned, thoughtful, kind post. Thank you for taking the time to write it for me. I’m overwhelmed by your kindness. It has helped me immensely. I will read, and reread when I’m feeling down and at a low ebb. Your words are very true.

@Nelly10 thank you too. You’re right. He doesn’t have the same morals. He’s neglecting all his responsibilities, for his own gain.

I will survive. I’m taking all the positive stories of recovery, and holding them tight. One day that will be me.

You might not think it @Tootiredtosleep but I think you are doing well. We'll be here to try and help with some positivity and encouragement. It's nice that you have kept us updated 🙂

He won't admit anything. He is a weak spineless coward who turned his back on his wife and children for OW. He is too ashamed to admit it so will blame you, the dog, the kids etc etc. Lawyer up and find out where you stand.

You are mourning the life you thought you had and that's understandable but that husband was never real. Unless he has had a complete breakdown your husband was always a Spineless Shit he just hid it well. Sorry xx

B e prepared for him to totally rewrite history in order to justify himself.

This ! Mine was/is exactly the same but I’ve now accepted he was always spineless it when you do it’s like everything clicks into place.

Good luck op you will get there and the advice on here is spot on.

@Tootiredtosleep you’re very welcome.
Stuff like this can make you feel like you’re all alone with it, or you don’t want to worry your friends and family with how you are feeling, so you keep it inside and it becomes your own personal hell.
When I discovered my husband’s affair after over thirty years together, one of our children’s GCSEs were about to start in a few weeks. HI didn’t tell anybody, only my best friend who lives abroad knew. It would have destroyed my kids. If they had to know, if the marriage was over, I was going to wait until after the exams.

Nobody here knew a thing. It was my choice to remain silent and pretend all was well but it was exhausting. It was unbelievably painful, physically so. I threw up every day or spent the day in bed, a great deal of it sobbing. Sometimes I would go for a drive and hear myself screaming like a mad woman. Looking back it was probably some kind of stress release but I scared myself with the dark thoughts I was having, even thinking about ending my life. I avoided people to avoid the stress of the pretence, but it was so, so lonely. The one I usually turned to in a crisis was the one I couldn’t trust any more, the one who had hurt me more than anyone had ever hurt me.
I just never wanted and never want anyone, even a stranger, to go through that. Just don’t be alone with it in your head. Pm me if you want, no pressure to of course and absolutely no judgment about anything you might say, your mind will be all over the place currently anyway. I’ll always reply when I can. X

I've had some wonderful advice, and I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to try and help me. It really is the worst pain. Like I've lost a part of me.

@Thewookiemustgo how long did you feel like that for? That's EXACTLY how I feel right now. Did you forgive the affair or was your marriage destroyed? I'm so sorry you went through that. 30 years is such a long time to be with someone.

@Tootiredtosleep we stayed together. Forgiven is an ongoing process, depending on your definition of ‘forgiven’. The severity of the pain got less, I was in that state for about two weeks, but it took a very, very long time to feel like myself again. Trust takes forever to get back and there were boundaries I put in place that were non-negotiable. He agreed to all of it. It wasn’t easy at all at first, it was hell and he made mistakes in handling it all early on, which didn’t help to say the least. I wasn’t sure whether I could or should stay with him at first, but knowing that for a few weeks I had no choice if I wanted our DC to get through their exams, and given his attitude at the time, it was worth a try. But on my terms. It has not been easy, he train wrecked our lives and needed to take a bloody long hard look at himself and his he got there. You don’t just bounce back from that, to put it mildly.
My situation is different than yours, he wanted to stay together, however I recognise and will never forget the shock and visceral pain of all of it. It was the previous 30-odd years of happy times and love and no cheating, plus devastating the children if we split, that were my main reasons for trying again. However if he’d been anything other than the way he behaved afterwards and since, that would have been the end. He doesn’t get more than one chance, no matter how much I love him or no matter how long we’ve been together.

@Tootiredtosleep forgot to say that the really bad phase, throwing up and barely eating etc only got better in a few weeks because he didn’t leave me and he was doing all he could. If I was in your position it would have taken an awful lot longer, so please don’t be led by me, our situations are different.

Thanks @Thewookiemustgo . I'm happy to hear that you were able to recover and work on your marriage. Although, I know that's not a possibility for me, it's good to hear that people can recover from infidelity.

I've now spoken to a great solicitor, who has given me some great advice. I am going to engage this one, as I felt we got on very well. The others I've spoken to haven't been great.

Feeling a little bit stronger today. Thank you everyone, for all the advice, story sharing, empathy etc. I appreciate it.

The weekend doesn't look so long and empty today. I've got a few plans in, and whilst I will miss DH, I'm not lying in bed pining, which is a great step forward!

I remember this time, too. I went to the GP, got ADs and counselling which both helped. But yes, at first I lost quite a lot of weight, couldn't sleep all night, etc. My fingernails got really brittle with big ridges on them.
One thing I did was to go out on long walks, for hours, with a podcast or music - or to put music on my earphones and dance about in the living room for ages - simply to get myself physically exhausted enough to sleep.

I suggested to my ex that I would stay in the house until our youngest was 18 and he agreed, partly as he did not want to look like the baddy throwing us out of the house. It helped that I got into his emails and found evidence of his affair, as that made him look bad already to his family and he didn't want to make it worse.

I'd say the worst mental health part took a good few months to get past. Then a year and a half more before I fancied dating. Maybe 3/4 years not to have any more conversations with my ex in my dreams?!
Today I'm almost grateful to him as the counselling sorted my head out in other ways too - and the crisis made me go out and seek new activities and friends that I still enjoy. And I got the chance to meet other men and see what other kinds of relationship are available.

@80s sorry to hear you have gone through a similar experience.

I too have decided to stay in the house until the children have finished their education.

Feeling a bit stronger today. Taking the dog out, then he’s going for a cut. Then going to spring clean the house! It really needs it.

4 weeks since he left, and 4 weeks since he’s seen his children.

We had such a lovely evening last night. Take away pizza, a few drinks, laughs etc. There’s no better place to be, than with family. I hope it’s worth it for him, as it’s him that’s losing out.

@Tootiredtosleep that’s exactly right, he really is missing out. They say the best revenge is a life well lived, and whilst I’d never advocate revenge, I agree with this statement. Why men do this, especially older men with families who love them, who always have loved them, is absolutely beyond me sometimes. It is his poor choice and his loss entirely Tootired and I think sadly for him he will realise it one day. It is shameful that he has not chosen to ask to see his children in four weeks, whether or not they even want to. It’s possibly shame and guilt that’s actually making him find it hard to do. Easier to keep up his ‘this was the right thing for me to do’ in his head if he doesn’t have to look at what he left behind, at his total lack of responsibility, and at the terrible damage he’s done to lovely people who don’t deserve it. It is extremely cowardly and selfish to not be at all concerned about the mess he just made, he’s done this and needs to own it and take some responsibility and think about the welfare of his children and check that you’re ok at the very, very least. I hope you have a lovely weekend X

In just four weeks you've come so far. You are doing absolutely brilliantly, even if you still have shit days. You've got this and your kids are lucky to have such a great, strong mum.