How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

@Thewookiemustgo once again, your words have helped so much. Thank you. You’re very wise. Everything you say is true.

@Theimpossiblegirl, you know what? I am doing good. Had a lovely day yesterday. Plans for today, and tomorrow. I don’t know what’s happened, or why I feel so well. But long may it reign.

Thanks to each and everyone of you, who have helped me on this thread.

I’m sure there will be further hard days ahead, but I feel more able to handle them.

I am enough. And if I spend the rest of my life on my own, with my girls, then that is fine. I have great family, for which I’m very grateful.

Well done op, you're right, you will still have down days, but the time in between them will get longer and longer, until eventually you'll struggle to remember when the last down one was.

Thank you @CleaningOutMyCloset. I just feel better able to handle them.

Im even starting to think he’s done me a favour. Now the initial shock has worn off, I feel free from his moods, and trying to keep him happy all the time.

I am still carrying around a sadness. But it’s not all consuming.

The best advice on here is to stop contact. It’s helped beyond measure. I wends to know where he is or when doing.

What he’s doing. Need to proofread!

Glad your feeling better now @Tootiredtosleep

It’s been nearly 6 weeks since my ex left me for another woman and I am starting to feel better now too. I’ve been on antidepressants the past 3 weeks so it might just be those kicking in but I think I am getting more used to the situation and it being just me and my two kids.

We got this and we’re going to be fine.

No contact or as little as possible is the way to go. Detach emotionally completely. Been 6 months for me only seen him once since the initial split that was also 6 months ago. I’m totally detached now and we were together 20 years. Gained total clarity realised how truly unhappy I was and the fact he cheated multiple times etc I’m not even bothered about now it’s mad really. Just keep going, block no social media just contact via email literally the one biggest tip I can give anyone.

You’ve hit the nail on the head OP - you are free of his moods now - you will come in time to see how liberating this is and how well you will start to feel going forward when you don’t have the aura of up and down negativity around you .
One of the best things I read during my break up was “ you get to set the mood of your home for your children when he’s gone “
I am 5 years forward now and life has honestly never been better .
I pushed myself upwards for jobs that I previously would not have had the confidence to go for , paid off my mortgage 15 years early etc .. all because I was on my own and had to be sure I was doing all possible for my family .
It made me so driven .
I also socialise like there’s no tomorrow because life is for living and holiday as much as possible with my daughter and we have had a blast making memories.

5 years ago , I was lying in bed wondering how I would get through the day .
Told myself, if I can get through today , I’ll be able to get through any day .
Painful of course but I got there .

Being completely honest now , I wouldn’t change that bad time for the world .
Yes it was painful, but I learned so much and feel so strong .
My life is so much better than it was .

I hope that in time you will get to a good place too .
Baby steps and surround yourself with friends and support.

good luck and take care

Thank @ilikeeggs, @Nelly10 and @babbi. It’s empowering to hear that you are all doing well, at different stages on a journey we didn’t ask to be on!

He’s text our oldest daughter this morning, asking if they both want to go out for lunch next weekend. So, that’ll be 5 weeks since he left. She’s not replied yet. She asked me how I felt. I’ve just said that he’s your Dad, and I will never, ever stand in the way of your relationship with him. But I can see she’s conflicted, which makes me sad.

Also, even that tiny bit of contact has an affect on me. Aaarrggg.

@ilikeeggs how old are your DCs? I hope they are coping okay. DD16 has been having some nightmares. One where he was stabbing us all, and we couldn’t get away. She’s sleeping with me, bless her.

But I can see she’s conflicted, which makes me sad.
For this reason I encouraged the kids to see their dad and have always described his behaviour (if at all) as poor choices on his part rather than him being an inherently bad person.
At one point my dad came to visit and met up with my ex as he "missed seeing him". My stepmum apologised to me for being disloyal, but I told her that them being nice to him just showed what nice, kind people they were. That's not what I was thinking tbh :D but I'd have felt petty and bitter if I'd resisted them meeting up. Sometimes I think you have to fake it a bit.
Some contact is necessary. Though I remember once seeing my ex go into my local supermarket, feeling my heart race, and texting him telling him to keep out of "my" supermarket as I didn't want to bump into him in there! Tbf he made himself scarce.

@Tootiredtosleep my kids are 10 and 3 so younger than yours but I can imagine teens would struggle just as much with their parents splitting. My oldest has been ok but the youngest doesn’t understand and keeps asking where daddy is so that’s hard.

@ilikeeggs I can imagine dealing with younger children’s needs, when you are feeling bereft yourself, must be very difficult.

@80s if I seen exDH in ‘my’ supermarket, he’d scarper pretty quickly, I would imagine. He’s a coward.

So, DD18 has been trying to contact him since yesterday afternoon, after she received his text asking if they wanted to go out next weekend. His phone has been switched off since then. And still is now. She told me, as she was worried. He’s obviously up to no good, which makes me so mad. What if his kids needed him?

I do feel strangely indifferent to him now. I don’t care if he’s with another woman. He’s a fool, who has lost so much. Time will show him how much he’s lost.

@Tootiredtosleep you are absolutely right on all counts. Hope you’re managing to find some fun and joy in this Easter weekend. X

Thanks @Thewookiemustgo. It’s not been a bad weekend at all. I only spent Saturday alone, and then I used it productively and walked the dog whilst listening to motivational podcasts.

I’ve being going over everything in my head, and I’m not going to lie it’s an absolute mess! I’ve been doing online quizzes on controlling behaviour, wondering if I’m a narcissist, and it’s all my fault. It’s driving me crazy.

@Tootiredtosleep you are going through everything in your head through the filter of things he’s said if you’re buying into the ‘you’re controlling’ ‘you’re a narcissist’ narrative. This is utter crap Tootired, designed specifically for him to justify his wrongdoing and deflect the blame to you. That is all it is. If being controlling is what you want to see, you can even twist an enquiry about your welfare to look like control. ‘Where are you going?’ on a rainy day can mean ‘I’m worried about the roads/traffic’ or be twisted into ‘you’re being controlling.’ ‘Do you fancy chicken for dinner?’ Can be a kind enquiry or ‘Why do you want me not to eat red meat? Stop trying to control my diet. It’s easy to twist anything into what you need it to be to suit the narrative in your head. This is his he’s done it to you. Please, please stop the quizzes and the ‘am I a narcissist?’ Etc. No you’re not. You’re still you. He knows you’re still you but he needs you to be the bad guy so that he isn’t. He is! End of.
I can guarantee you that even if your marriage was less than perfect (newsflash: every marriage is less than perfect, marriages comprise of two human beings and human beings are always less than perfect, perfect is a myth) he still had other options than to possibly cheat and/ or abandon ship. He did this because of issues within himself, not you, not at all. Stop the online quizzes (they only benefit the data miners who want you to click on them in the first place) and go to places like the affair recovery websites, where even if there is no OW, you will find that cheating and/ or walking out are choices made by them, because of their inadequacies and deficiencies, not yours.
It’s him, not you Tootired. Xxxx

If you were a true narcissist you wouldn't be doing tests as you'd believe you were the best. People with narcissist personality disorder don't suffer badly from anxiety, depression etc. because they are so confident.
My ex's OW diagnosed me as a narcissist without having met me. I asked my therapist if I could be one and she said that we all have a certain amount of narcissism in us, it's normal. Look up "healthy narcissism". Hard to imagine, I know, but the Mumsnet "my MIL" version of narcissism may be slightly exaggerated.

Remember that time your dh didn't put the bins out? If it was you having an affair and buggering off, that would be a sign of his narcissism.

Thank you @80s and @Thewookiemustgo, once again, the voice of reason.

I've dropped the online quizzes and moved on to reading Runaway husbands, and listening to motivational stories of recovery on podcasts.

His wages have gone into the joint account today (weekly), and he's taken half out to his sole account. Which going forward is probably going to be fine, if that's how it's going to be. But I got paid 2 weeks ago, and everything went on bills. Now I don't have much to live on until I get paid again at the end of the month.

How can someone who you shared so much with, treat you like this? It's so hard to adjust to the person who you thought had your back, being the one stabbing you in it. It's a physical pain in my heart and stomach.

Sending strength @Tootiredtosleep
what an awful father he’s turned oUt to be, it must be so shocking

He has @Coulditreallybe. Terrible. But I'm getting stronger, bit by bit. I now have a solicitor. I'm in the process of applying for the divorce, which I am going to try and do myself. Then she is going to do the conditional order.

Things are looking slightly better. I still have bad days, but I don't have that crushing pain from the early days. It gets slightly easier.

You’re doing amazingly, I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it at times but you really are. Your daughters are lucky to have you.

Thank you @Coulditreallybe. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but I’m getting there. The advice here has been invaluable.

Three weeks until we go on our solo trip to New York, which was a surprise for his birthday. He’s missing out big time.

We will be shopping for some new clothes this weekend, so looking forward to that too!

I don't know you but I'm proud of you. Sending you and your girls love and positive thoughts. What a great mum!

Thank you @firstmummy2019 ! Would you believe he's been texting me about finances/divorce, and all my emotions about the finality of this, and how someone you loved and thought loved you can do this, have reared their head again. I'm out in the car sobbing.

It's sure going to be a rollercoaster ride.

Just wanted to leave you good wishes OP. You sound lovely, and your husband is a fool - as you've very correctly said, his loss!
Allow yourself time to grieve, you WILL get over this, you WON'T feel this forever.

Thank you @LaffTaff

I just want him to regret it. I want to hear him say he regrets it. I don't know what difference it will make, as it won't change the outcome. But I so desperately want to hear it.

I will never hear it though. He's pretty set on the divorce, and settling the finances. And still denying that there's another woman. It's now 6 weeks since he's seen his children. For what? I really don't get it.

I must have been an awful person.

@Tootiredtosleep no, no, no, you are NOT an awful person. He is.
Have you abandoned your spouse of many years, and your children, and not seen them in six weeks? No.
Are you as uncaring and crass as to but even think about the impact these sudden, shocking, and brutal actions might have on those left behind that you selfishly text about things that can only benefit yourself without even asking how anyone is or if financially they can still manage?
No.

Are you lying to and gaslighting anyone?
No.
That is awful behaviour carried out by an awful person.
That is NOT you.
If he’s being awful it shows you how much he hates the fact that you never did anything to deserve his treatment of you, he desperately wants to blame you for all of it and yet you are (and always did) behaving reasonably and bravely and still fulfilling your responsibilities towards the family and the children.
He desperately, desperately needs you to deserve this so that he can appear like a poor persecuted man living in a hell he had to escape from (no doubt the fairy tale spun to any OW there may or may not be) and so for him, you have to be the bad guy in this, he’ll do anything, say anything to highlight what he sees are your ‘faults’ and even try to gaslight you into believing it. Grey rock him and distance him, listen to none of it. Communicate only when you absolutely have to and even then only what you need to discuss for practical reasons.
You are the victim of this, not the cause. However it must be doing his head in to see that you’re not acting like a victim and begging and pleading, you’re grieving, yes, but you’re getting on with it and pretty soon he’ll be the one feeling left behind as you all shine and grow beautifully without him.
The sudden bursting into tears is part of grieving, don’t try to give it meaning or significance. It’s like a few months after someone has died and there’s an out of the blue
reminder which floors you in a way you no longer expected to be floored. Grieving isn’t just about bereavement, it’s about a major life changing loss of any kind. The stages are the same so look up the grieving process for ideas on how to cope, it really is the same as grieving a death. Be kind to yourself. Breathe. You are doing well.
Right now Tootired you are surviving, and that is more than enough for now. But survive will become thrive, it really will. The trash has taken itself out and done you a favour, even if you can’t see that yet. Sending love XX