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Original poster

Husband 'needs more time to himself'

174 replies

florapalum · 25/03/2023 19:20

Hi! I wonder if anyone can advise.
My husband works full time, 9-5.

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5.

I've been a SAHM until now but now exploring possibilities of getting a job, after a long time of not working.

My husband complains that he doesn't get much time to himself as evenings are spent eating dinner and putting toddler to bed.
Weekends are spent taking toddler swimming, going to the shops, the park, doing a few chores, an hour or so here and there where he can go and play his bass guitar which he enjoys, but after all that it's Monday again.

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing? I want it to be fair, but I don't feel like there really is much opportunity to do that in the first few years, especially if you work full time.
Is he being unreasonable, or am I?

Another issue is housework. How much do your SO's with FT jobs actually do?

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes I am at home FT at the moment but this won't be forever. Even less will get done when I'm back working.

What is the balance? How much time to themselves can a parent of a two year old realistically expect to have?

And what kind of housework/work ratios are reasonable? Am i being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs?

What are you experiences/ratios etc? Thank you!

OP posts:

kfiend · 25/03/2023 19:23

Wrongly or rightly my husband and I consider going to work, (him full time me part time) 'time too ourselves' simply as it's not with the boys! We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Both go to nursery on the days I work but that's all.

GoodChat · 25/03/2023 19:32

To be honest if you're at home the full working week with no children in the house I'd be expecting you to do the bulk of the weekends and evenings/mornings with the child.

He should want to play an active parenting role but he gets no time to himself while you get 40 hours a week.

Bernadinetta · 25/03/2023 19:34

Are you at home by yourself 9-5 every weekday?

sixfoot · 25/03/2023 19:35

In these Circs you need to be doing most of the housework. Is not like your child is at home. Why is DC in nursery FT if you aren’t working?

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 19:37

Right now as you are a SAHM with a child in nursery you should be doing the weekly shop and most of the house work/prep.

Time alone is important and needs to be fair, so I would suggest one of you picks a morning or afternoon on Saturday and the other on Sunday.

You could look at getting a cleaner or outsourcing laundry/ironing and getting a food shop delivered for when you go back to work.

PegasusReturns · 25/03/2023 19:37

If you’re FT at home with no DC there then you should be doing the bulk of the chores.

hiw much time do you get to yourself? Your DH should get similar.

kfiend · 25/03/2023 19:38

kfiend · 25/03/2023 19:23

But also yes as I don't work full time the majority of the housework falls on me during the week which I feel is fair and we share the load at the weekend. The boys are both asleep by 7 so that's when the free time comes in I don't think many people get much more than that when they have kids.

piedbeauty · 25/03/2023 19:38

If your Dc is in nursery FT then you need a job! In your case, you should be doing all housework, cooking, shopping, etc - up to 40 hours a week, the same as your h works.

Lapland123 · 25/03/2023 19:38

Why is your 2 year old in nursery all week when you don’t have a job?

Lovingitallnow · 25/03/2023 19:39

Housework is 50:50 when he's at home. We operate under the principle that we should be equals where possible. So if I was home alone full time I'd be doing all the chores then and any free time I got would be swopped with him when he's not working. We don't keep a stop watch or whatever but I'd try organise social
time or relaxing time when the kids are in childcare and let him take his in the evenings or weekends. All within reason, I'll still socialise and have me time at the weekends too.

piedbeauty · 25/03/2023 19:39

And you need to talk about how you both see things when you go back to work. You should have equal free time. Maybe you could have one morning or afternoon each at the weekend?

VivaVivaa · 25/03/2023 19:41

In your current situation, I think the vast majority (like 90% plus) of weekend childcare and household chores should fall to you if you are at home full time, DC is in nursery full time and your DH works full time. You can rebalance when you go back to work. If you are working anything approaching full time hours then the split should be 50:50.

BellaPiella · 25/03/2023 19:41

Everyone needs some time to themselves. Sounds like you have it in buckets?

Coffeellama · 25/03/2023 19:42

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes it’s fair, he works full time, you have no job and aren’t even taking care of the toddler! It’s fair enough he wants more time for himself. You get loads (which he pays for) so why shouldn’t he get a bit?

crackfoxy · 25/03/2023 19:43

If you can manage on one wage can't you both work part time so you equally get some down time in the week whilst the baby is at nursery?

Choconut · 25/03/2023 19:44

While you're not working I think what is currently happening is fine and I think he does need some time to himself - if your child is in nursery then you get a lot of time to yourself. But if you start working while lo is in nursery then you may want some time to yourself too and he will need to get more involved in house work.

Smartiepants79 · 25/03/2023 19:46

You are not working and your 2 year old is in nursery full time?? Why?
Is it so you can go back to work?
Are you actively looking for work?
As things stand I would expect you to be doing pretty much all the house jobs and most of the childcare. What else are you doing with your time?
Whe you return to work then things change. Chores should be split and time to yourselves should be fairly distributed.

BrainOnFire · 25/03/2023 19:46

I think at the moment you should be doing the lion's share, but obviously things will need to change when you get a job.

Bossyboo17 · 25/03/2023 19:47

I work ft,my 2 girls are 3 and 5 yrs. One is in reception 5days and the other in nursery school 5 days.I do the school drop of 4 days a week plus 1 pick up and my partner does 3 pick ups, works ft nights does the main shopping and cooks a few meals. My mum helps too she does 1 school drop off and 1 pick up as well as having my girls 1 weekday night. I cook, clean do bedtime stories, arrange days out etc. Never really get time to myself though - my youngest wont go to sleep till late...I just keep going!!

IHateFlies · 25/03/2023 19:47

Both of you need time to yourself.
Do both of you take toddler swimming and park etc?

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 25/03/2023 19:48

Yes everyone needs time to themselves.
I wouldn't class going to work one of them.
If you are in a partnership/marriage you should be able to give each other time to themselves.
You have 40 hours per week to yourself. Your husband also comes home and cooks dinner sometimes and does some chores. You are not working and don't have a child at home so I would expect you to do all of the housework (totally different if you go to work).

I work 30 hours (2 days one week, 3 days the other week) and my husband works 37.5 hours over 5 days.
Therefore I do most of the housework and looking after our child (who goes to school nursery 2.5days per week) as I have more days off.
Meal prep is split between us.
We give each other time to see our friends/exercise etc as well as prioritising family/couple time. We can tell when one of us is struggling and take the load a little.

CindersAgain · 25/03/2023 19:49

Why doesn’t he have every evening? What time is he home?
Ideally you’d all eat and then put toddler to bed by 7.30pm, giving 2-3 hours?

Or one cooks, the other puts toddler to bed, eat at 7.30pm, done by 8/8.30pm, still gives some time.

SkyandSurf · 25/03/2023 19:52

Going to work is my 'time to myself'.

It's more about making sure it's equal between you. How much time do you have to yourself?

Ragwort · 25/03/2023 19:52

Surely you can both have 'time alone' at weekends - you don't both need to go to the shops, park, swimming etc together. I was similar to you when my DS was younger, he went to nursery school & I was a SAHM so quite honestly I had a very easy lifestyle. At weekends we would each have our 'own time' to do whatever we wanted. I wouldn't begrudge my DH time to play golf or meet his friends in the pub ... and likewise I had time to do my hobbies and meet my friends.

Coffeellama · 25/03/2023 19:54

SkyandSurf · 25/03/2023 19:52

Going to work is my 'time to myself'.

It's more about making sure it's equal between you. How much time do you have to yourself?

Did you read the OP? Monday to Friday 9-5 she has to herself, no work either.

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