Husband 'needs more time to himself'

[florapalum]

Hi! I wonder if anyone can advise.
My husband works full time, 9-5.

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5.

I've been a SAHM until now but now exploring possibilities of getting a job, after a long time of not working.

My husband complains that he doesn't get much time to himself as evenings are spent eating dinner and putting toddler to bed.
Weekends are spent taking toddler swimming, going to the shops, the park, doing a few chores, an hour or so here and there where he can go and play his bass guitar which he enjoys, but after all that it's Monday again.

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing? I want it to be fair, but I don't feel like there really is much opportunity to do that in the first few years, especially if you work full time.
Is he being unreasonable, or am I?

Another issue is housework. How much do your SO's with FT jobs actually do?

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes I am at home FT at the moment but this won't be forever. Even less will get done when I'm back working.

What is the balance? How much time to themselves can a parent of a two year old realistically expect to have?

And what kind of housework/work ratios are reasonable? Am i being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs?

What are you experiences/ratios etc? Thank you!

Yikes ! You sound rather lazy.

i feel sorry for your child and your husband

And I know this isn't in AIBU. But you are. Find a way. As PP said, do both of you need to be at activities? Do the shopping in the week. There are ways to solve this situation before he resents it even more.

Obv the OP doesn't spend 40 hours a week doing housework. Sounds better than 35 hours a week watching TV or whatever 😂.

I work full time, have a small child and manage to keep on top of the home. It really doesn't take 40 hours a week.

Exactly. Farcical.

I am confused why you would suddenly put your child into nursery full time when you don’t have a job yet. Why for instance don’t you do toddler swimming on a week day and one less day in Nursery instead of at the weekend ? I don’t know anyone that has ever out their child in nursery full time without actually working full time first.

Yes of course. As I said it was give or take.

If you are doing housework all day everyday you are doing too much housework. Nobody needs to be doing that much housework unless you’re an influencer with cleaning products to sell.

Nah, I just feel sorry for the child that neither parent wants to spend any time with.

family time is one thing, but traipsing round Tesco is not it. I don't blame him. Why can't OP shop in the 40 hours spare she has in the week? Or sit and do an online delivery.

I work full time and have a 6 yr old. I have a rule and that's weekends = one day doing something and the other day having a quiet day in the home. DP works 6 days a week, so on Saturdays, we chill. On Sunday (DPs only day off), I'll take her out for an hour early on so he gets a bit of down time. Then he will take over the afternoons entertainment and I'll get some down time.

I don't get where all the housework comes from? What are people doing? Wipe the kitchen down when finished cooking, 15 mins. Chuck a wash on, 3 mins, throw in dryer/hang up, 5 mins. Dust, 20 mins on a Saturday...

Should I be scrubbing skirting boards and the doorstep every day?

Get a job.....don't get a job....up to you and your DH. Some women opt to be SAHM and they love it. What you do depends entirely on your own preferences and your joint finances.

However, what most of the "classic Mumsnet outrage" is about is the fact that you get 40 hours a week to yourself, apparently can't manage the housework within those 40 hours, and that you openly resent the fact your DH only does some of the cooking/loading dishwasher/laundry.

Bizarrely you seem to think that you should get 40 hours a week to yourself, your DH should get NO time to himself outside work, and that he should do more housework despite you being at home without a child for 40 hours per week.

I'd say he's doing way more than his fair share - especially since you admit his free time is taken up with toddler activities, baths, and bedtimes etc so he's clearly fully engaged when he's home.

I am struggling to see how on earth you think you're getting a bad deal here?!

If and when you get a job then obviously the household chores need to be split differently.

You asked: "Am I being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs? "

The answer to both those questions is a resounding yes. You're being incredibly selfish. Every parent needs some alone time - you currently get 40 hours per week, and your DH gets none.

You're being a bit extreme.

Her DH has requested some time to himself. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend ANY time with his family. Just that he needs SOME time to himself to unwind. This isn't unreasonable.

Especially considering that OP admits that her DS recently started FT nursery and she doesn't work-so has 40 hours per week free to herself-yes to do housework-but I imagine she has some spare hours to herself in there as well.

OP-is there any reason why you begrudge your DH time to himself? You seem to get plenty of it. Yes, the split with household chores/childcare will change if you get a job but right now, you should be doing to bulk of household chores. That's common sense. Otherwise, you're really taking the piss out of your DH.

Maybe you could agree with your DH that he can have Saturday or Sunday to himself. Or a night a week where he can just do what he wants to do. Under the circumstances, it's a completely reasonable request.

It makes sense to sort the nursery space before you need it, if you can afford to.

And totally fine to avail yourself of it for as much of those 5 days as you wish.

But you can't seriously be claiming it takes all week doing housework? You must be able to carve out your "me time" during the week and let your DH do the same at the weekend?

Is there anywhere he can go and play his bass? Where I live there is a regular Monday blues jam where anyone can turn up with an instrument and jam along with the resident band.

If you are unemployed, your child in Nursery FT and your husband working FT - then your "job" is to do all the housework and the bulk of the evening/weekend childcare.
If you are both working FT, then you split the childcare.

God I feel sorry for your DH!

How much housework is generated when DH and DC are not even in the house 40 hours a week?

How do you plan to manage when you do get a (presumably) full time job?

Does it take you 40 hours per week to cook and clean? Until you have secured work you should be doing the lions share at the weekend. Once you have a job then its time to divide up the chores.

Totally reasonable and normal to try to give each other some time off. Give him one evening a week where you put the kid to bed and do the dinner, and he can either chill at home or go out.

Nobody's child 'enters' childcare OP- you have put them in childcare. It's not like school- it's not compulsory. Without a job this seems a bit extreme

I haven’t got anything to add that others haven’t already said. YABVVVVU. I suspect you aren’t willing to change your viewpoint though.

None of this aligns. you said at the start that you're 'exploring" getting a job. This takes time, and virtually no-one will put their child in 5 full days a week in advance

You then this time say that you do housework 'all day'... Yet previously you had your baby home full time, what is new that takes so long to do?

The whole thing sounds odd. Of course if you're at work full time he'll need to split jobs and get less time. Up until that point, it is deeply unfair if you aren't covering all or almost all of the household and family jobs.

I think if you're currently at home and your 2 year old is now in nursery, it would be unreasonable to expect your partner to do chores. 40 hours a week should be plenty of time to keep on top of all the cleaning/laundry/gardening/shopping, but I would expect my partner to be picking up after themselves and 2 year old, tidying, doing pots/dishwasher etc.

If I'm interpreting this correctly, I think the problem may be that your partner is either at work or he's at home with you or two year old or both of you, he really isn't getting any time to himself in the literal sense if you think about it. You are, because even though you're technically working when you're at home and it's a full time job for you to keep up with everything, you've no one to answer to but yourself, you can do what you like when you like, the freedom of that is very liberating.

We've got a 2 year old, who's not in nursery yet, 3 dogs and me and my partner both work full time, with me working flexibly around his set shift pattern, usually with little sleep because of it, so it is a hard slog to get any free time, but it's so, so important to allow each other time to decompress, not just an hour here or there. With me and my partner working opposite shifts we actually get lots of time in the house on our own (with DD, and after she's asleep), we can watch we like on telly, and not have to be 'on' all the time. Honestly, If I had to spend every one my waking hours with other humans I'd go batshit crazy and that's the honest truth.

It sounds like you're taking what he's saying personally, almost like your interpreting it as you should do more so he can do less, but I not sure that is what he's getting at. It may be a case of working smarter instead of working harder. I often take our DD shopping on a weekend, or to the park, round to family etc, or out with the dogs on my own, it gets those jobs done AND it gives DP the bit of alone time that everyone with a 2 year old craves!! Win Win! :)

Why not take in turns to do the bedtime during the week and he can have a day to himself at the weekends.

Once you start working FT then you can alternate who’s day off it is.
E.g. have Saturday family day and then Sunday you take the child on your own.
When you start working then keep Saturday as family day and alternative so every other Sunday you each have it to yourself.

You we’re the SAHP and now you are just unemployed.
That does mean you will have to do the majority of housework and cooking.
Once you get a FT job then this needs to be 50/50.

Why is your DC at nursery 5 days a week?
Very costly and unnecessary, going by the details in the OP