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Original poster

Husband 'needs more time to himself'

174 replies

florapalum · 25/03/2023 19:20

Hi! I wonder if anyone can advise.
My husband works full time, 9-5.

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5.

I've been a SAHM until now but now exploring possibilities of getting a job, after a long time of not working.

My husband complains that he doesn't get much time to himself as evenings are spent eating dinner and putting toddler to bed.
Weekends are spent taking toddler swimming, going to the shops, the park, doing a few chores, an hour or so here and there where he can go and play his bass guitar which he enjoys, but after all that it's Monday again.

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing? I want it to be fair, but I don't feel like there really is much opportunity to do that in the first few years, especially if you work full time.
Is he being unreasonable, or am I?

Another issue is housework. How much do your SO's with FT jobs actually do?

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes I am at home FT at the moment but this won't be forever. Even less will get done when I'm back working.

What is the balance? How much time to themselves can a parent of a two year old realistically expect to have?

And what kind of housework/work ratios are reasonable? Am i being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs?

What are you experiences/ratios etc? Thank you!

OP posts:
Windblownwife · 25/03/2023 20:18

To be honest, time to ourselves is important and it's no different for men. You have plenty, he needs a little time to himself too. Marriage needs that. Re housework, you have the time to do it, he doesn't, for now. He does some. Fair enough. When you're working again you can both discuss it and make a plan.

OperationMalena · 25/03/2023 20:19

What do you do all day when you are not working and your toddler is at nursery 9-5?

Surely being a SAHM is about looking after your DC at home?

VivaVivaa · 25/03/2023 20:19

I don’t think OP is coming back…

Zanatdy · 25/03/2023 20:20

Like everyone else it’s really obvious why he’s saying he wants time to himself as you’re getting 5 days a week to yourself. I do think it’s a bit unusual to put your child into full time childcare when you’re not working. If I was working I’d certainly resent my salary paying for childcare that wasn’t needed. Maybe a day or two absolute max but why does your child need to go 5 days? You should be doing all the housework whilst you’re not working and no child at home. I’d massively resent it if my SAHP parent asked me to start doing more housework whilst they had 5 full days to do it.

Re time to himself he’s clearly making a point that you’ve got all that time to do what you want whilst the days he’s off work your child is there all day. I’d be suggesting he takes the afternoons to himself given the circumstances. When you return to work obviously that’s different and the housework should be evenly distributed and the time to yourselves will maybe need reviewing. You must be able to see why he’s a bit miffed?

Zanatdy · 25/03/2023 20:20

VivaVivaa · 25/03/2023 20:19

I don’t think OP is coming back…

It’s only been an hour. But usually they don’t when 99% of people think they are being very unreasonable

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2023 20:22

You have some cheek expecting your husband to do housework and shopping when your child is in full-time nursery. Why isn't your child home with you?

Cherrysherbet · 25/03/2023 20:27

Why is your child in nursery for so many hrs if you are at home? 9-5 is a long day.

You should absolutely be doing the housework if your dh is working full time, and you are home alone.

Does he really have to bath your dc after work?

I think you should also give him a break one day on the weekends so he can do his own thing. Do you really need to both take your dc to the park/swimming?

I can see why he’s complaining tbh. I would be too.

oakleaffy · 25/03/2023 20:31

piedbeauty · 25/03/2023 19:38

If your Dc is in nursery FT then you need a job! In your case, you should be doing all housework, cooking, shopping, etc - up to 40 hours a week, the same as your h works.

This!

oakleaffy · 25/03/2023 20:33

@florapalum You are lazy and entitled...Children in full time nursery, and you don't work?
Insane! No wonder your husband is annoyed.
I'd be furious!

PaigeMatthews · 25/03/2023 20:35

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5. I've been a SAHM until now…How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old?

you give up work and put your child in nursery full time.

jannier · 25/03/2023 20:37

GoodChat · 25/03/2023 19:32

To be honest if you're at home the full working week with no children in the house I'd be expecting you to do the bulk of the weekends and evenings/mornings with the child.

He should want to play an active parenting role but he gets no time to himself while you get 40 hours a week.

Lol.....what does she do cage the child for 40hours and wear ear defenders while the cleaner does the housework.

pompei8309 · 25/03/2023 20:38

kfiend · 25/03/2023 19:23

Wrongly or rightly my husband and I consider going to work, (him full time me part time) 'time too ourselves' simply as it's not with the boys! We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Both go to nursery on the days I work but that's all.

Consider? how do you live if you’re both unemployed?

GoodChat · 25/03/2023 20:39

@jannier the kids in nursery all week...

Viviennemary · 25/03/2023 20:39

That sounds a fair arrangement to me re chores. Maybe you should make time say once a month for a meal out together. Can anyone babysit for you.

kfiend · 25/03/2023 20:41

@pompei8309 we do both work....

Viviennemary · 25/03/2023 20:41

Missed the bit where op's child is in nursery full-time!

Littlewhitecat · 25/03/2023 20:44

OP in this situation all the housework should fall to you. I was a SAHP for 8 years and I did nearly everything at home because it would be crazy to make DH who was FT in work to do housework when he got home. My kids were never in nursery FT - that makes no sense if you are at home. What a waste of money. I'm FT now and housework is split 50/50. I'm struggling to believe your post is real because the level of entitlement shown by you is a bit unreal.

rwalker · 25/03/2023 20:48

Your at home all day on your own tbh I’d think you were taking the piss if you expected me to start doing house stuff when I finished work

MathsNervous · 25/03/2023 20:48

Wind up post since OP has not been back 👀

Original poster
florapalum · 25/03/2023 20:55

Omg.
He only just started nursery, and I'll be getting a job shortly. All of you with your classic mumsnet outrage, all furious that I haven't got a job the second my child enters childcare.
I do housework all day tbh. I still struggle to keep on top of it.
All your vitriol is ludicrous.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 25/03/2023 20:55

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing?

What are you actually doing 9-5 each day when your child is at nursery?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2023 20:57

How can you do housework all day, without a child at home, and still be struggling with it?

Bernadinetta · 25/03/2023 20:58

florapalum · 25/03/2023 20:55

Omg.
He only just started nursery, and I'll be getting a job shortly. All of you with your classic mumsnet outrage, all furious that I haven't got a job the second my child enters childcare.
I do housework all day tbh. I still struggle to keep on top of it.
All your vitriol is ludicrous.

You have a household of 2 adults and one child and you do housework for 40 hours a week and can’t keep on top of it?

excelledyourself · 25/03/2023 20:58

Cross post.

Having survived on one wage until now, and also able finance full time childcare on only one wage, the obvious answer when you have two wages is to get a cleaner, surely?

vdbfamily · 25/03/2023 21:00

florapalum · 25/03/2023 20:55

Omg.
He only just started nursery, and I'll be getting a job shortly. All of you with your classic mumsnet outrage, all furious that I haven't got a job the second my child enters childcare.
I do housework all day tbh. I still struggle to keep on top of it.
All your vitriol is ludicrous.

I think if you are' doing housework all day,' then you have a problem. Unless you live in a castle they is no house that takes a week to keep tidy and clean.