Husband 'needs more time to himself'

[florapalum]

Hi! I wonder if anyone can advise.
My husband works full time, 9-5.

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5.

I've been a SAHM until now but now exploring possibilities of getting a job, after a long time of not working.

My husband complains that he doesn't get much time to himself as evenings are spent eating dinner and putting toddler to bed.
Weekends are spent taking toddler swimming, going to the shops, the park, doing a few chores, an hour or so here and there where he can go and play his bass guitar which he enjoys, but after all that it's Monday again.

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing? I want it to be fair, but I don't feel like there really is much opportunity to do that in the first few years, especially if you work full time.
Is he being unreasonable, or am I?

Another issue is housework. How much do your SO's with FT jobs actually do?

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes I am at home FT at the moment but this won't be forever. Even less will get done when I'm back working.

What is the balance? How much time to themselves can a parent of a two year old realistically expect to have?

And what kind of housework/work ratios are reasonable? Am i being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs?

What are you experiences/ratios etc? Thank you!

I never understand the suggestions to each have a morning or afternoon of time alone, doesn't seem to leave much room for time as a family/couple if you both work full time. Evenings after kids bedtime is a more sensible suggestion when you work full time with young kids, but I agree OP, it's just the way it is for this stage of life. Not easy, and sometimes we all have a bit of a struggle with it so maybe he's more venting and not expecting any real change which we're all guilty of on occasion.

I agree the balance of housework is fine right now, but will definitely need to be more equal or outsourced when you return to full time work and will need some discussion. Good luck with your job search!

If you go to the shops and do chores Monday to Friday it frees up weekend time allowing more time for your DH.

I'm usually very sympathetic towards the main care-giver, but it's tricky in this instance when you get so much time in the week and your DH is still having to go to the shops at the weekend.

Don't you like your child?

Why ask for advice here when you have such a low opinion of MN? I never had the ability to be a SAHM but did have time off as a teacher. I did a lot if not most/all of the household chores when I wasn’t working. DH had a stressful job, was a great provider for the family and I didn’t mind doing more when I had the time.

You should be doing 100% of the chores during the week, and most of them at the weekend. He should get a bit of time to himself to relax. You have 40 hours to yourself! You’ve got the life of Riley OP.

I think he’s identifying the fact that you currently have a great deal of time to yourself and he has none. He makes a good point.

When you’re working too things will need to be evened out re housework of course and you both need equal time to yourselves.

But right now it’s very skewed isn’t it.

You lost me at the bit where you struggle to keep on top of housework. Are you actually fucking joking? Spare a thought for those of you who manage to work fulltime, rear several children and (mostly) manage not to live in cesspits!!!

Not surprised that your husband wants more free time when he sees you have it in spades, while the poor fecker works his backside to keep your lazy arse sitting at home???

You do NOT do housework all day every day - there is no-one on this earth needs to be doing that, with your OH and child both out 9-5.

If your OH was posting I'd be telling him to LTB. You are extracting the absolute urine!!!

This

All your vitriol is ludicrous

I haven't seen any 'vitriol'.

And you don't want peoples' options, don't ask for them on a public board!

I think with a 2 year old in nursery you should both have time to do something independently. You're not working atm so it might be useful to use your time for 'bespoke' one off projects, for example decorating the bedroom, sorting the garden. If you get too established with the meal prep, laundry etc it might stay your job when you're working.
Why couldn't he say go to the local jam night on a Thursdsy whilst you meet up with a friend on Wednesdays? It doesn't need two adults to put a toddler to bed. One of you goes shopping on a Monday evening whilst the other does bedtime routine. Weekends you do a bit of housework then fun family stuff. If your working shorter days you could prepare eve meal, if you have a day off you could get Saturdays jobs done.......add in occasional weekend stuff, so together and separately egBBQ, visit relatives, Ben's stag do, Sara's 40th....seems like a perfectly pleasant live...though if you haven't discussed this you might wanna stick at one child.

With a child in FT nursery, you aren't a SAHM, you are a housewife... My husband gets up very early for a run/workout, that's his "me time" I suppose. We also have the evening after the children have gone to bed at 7pm.

This. Why is your toddler at full time nursery when you are at home….isn’t this you being child free?

If your H wants to be an involved parent and works 9-5 then no whilst you have young ids free time is limited.

Can he not play bass, with headphones, for an hour when toddler goes to bed?

What time is H home?

Finishing at 5 would have been bliss when ours were 2.

It will take a while yet before you have more free time. Just have to suck it up buttercup, it gets worse with a second before it gets better by the way.

Does he have a long commute?

because if not then he should be able to make some time for himself in the evenings.
How long could it possibly take to eat dinner and put the toddler to bed? Do you both put the toddler to bed as part of the night time routine? Just take it in turns?

He can surely do what everyone else does and go to the gym before or after work or a class in the evening or see friends etc?

At weekends is it more of a case of not managing the time well? Lots of people would maybe do some family stuff in the morning and then have time to do hobbies etc.
Some people manage to have jam packed weekends!
Or is it more that he wants to chill at home and not speak to anyone for a few hours?

You're not doing 40 hours of housework a week. Sorry OP but you're just not.

If you were, how could you be applying for jobs?

This might have been mentioned already as I haven't read all replies: have you looked at TOMM for helping with the housework, if you get into the routine it'll drastically reduce the time needed over the entire week/weekend for household chores and free up your time during the day so that you feel you've got 'me time'

I can see why your husband is resentful that you get so much more time to yourself, and it's quite lazy to expect so much of him. Unless you live in a castle I don't know how you're unable to manage the cleaning on your own when that's all you have to do. My son is in full time childcare but I wouldn't put him there and hardly see him if I didn't yet have a job. Plus the cost when only one parent is working!

How can you possibly spend so much time doing housework? Honestly, my years as a SAHM (by choice) with my DS at nursery/play school were the easiest of my life ... housework, shopping, cooking prep would take no more than an hour a day (two if my standards were higher I suppose ) leaving loads of time for 'myself' ... volunteering, meeting friends, swimming ... relaxing. My DH actually did pull his weight with chores, as well as working full time to provide financially for us, but equally I never begrudged him time for his own hobbies and interests in the evenings & weekends.
Twenty years later and now he has retired early whilst I carry on working ... I will never forget the 'luxury' of those years at home.

Unless you live in a stately home with acres of grounds to garden on top, there is no way you cannot keep on top of housework in 40 hours. For context I have a 7 bedroom, 5000 sq ft home (not bragging, just for context) plus I have to do laundry for 2 adults and 4 children. My children are at school 9-3 and one of those days I work, so I have 24 hours a week to do all the housework/laundry/ shopping. I can absolutely keep on top of the house, have time to go to the gym 2/3 times a week and walk the dog every day. So I just don’t see how you can’t keep on top of the house. I barely sit down all week, the kids have after school sports and classes, homework that often needs my help. My husband works very long hours and is often tired. On Saturdays he has a lie in and I take all the children out for an activity and for brunch out, so that he can have one morning a week to himself. Family time together is sat afternoon and Sunday.
In summary, right now it sounds like you have a very easy life with plenty of free time to yourself. You absolutely should be doing 100% of the housework and at the weekend you should be facilitating a half day for your husband to have some free time to himself. When you start a job then of course you reassess and share out the housework and childcare accordingly. But right now yes you are being very unreasonable and I can see how your husband feels hard done by.

So, my take away from your OP is that your DH is feeling like he doesn't get any personal time, and you have just put DC into full time day care with the idea of getting a job. But you are also worried that if DH is wanting to do less around the house rather than more then going back to work is going to put more of a burden on you to continue doing all the housework and childcare.
I'm going to ignore the 40 hours of housework idea because as others have said, that's not realistic and I think you're just panicking with that.

So you want advice of how to divvy up chores and childcare whilst also both getting a bit of time to yourselves while holding down FT jobs?

@EverySporkIsSacred has nailed it, I think. But you can’t pre-empt the FT working scenario without it being incredibly unfair on the working partner. @florapalum - you’re not an SAHM really because your son is in full time childcare. Most parents in your position would be back in the workplace and managing everything on top of their job.

So you’re currently in a homemaker role with, in reality, lots of down time, and should expect to carry the burden of that until you go into paid employment. That’s fine and a valuable role but it does mean it’s totally unreasonable to expect your DH to do any meaningful household chores on top of working FT.

Your question came across as reflecting your current circumstances. In those circs then you should be doing all the housework and general life admin. That's a lot of hours when you're on your own at home with no child to look after, plenty enough to be on top of housework, shopping, laundry etc.

Then at the weekends, you can have me time / family time / share cooking etc.

Whatever hours you work, the only fair rule is that you both get the same 'down time'. So once you go back to paid work, if you both work the same hours, then you both should pull your weight the same at home, and both get the same time 'off' for hobbies / socialising / soaking in the bath etc.

Under your current circs, if your DH has worked all week and you've been home alone, then I'd be irked if I was him and I ended up doing housework (over and above general cooking / cleaning up after myself) come the week end.

Yes! Thank you!

You need to clarify with him that yes, he’s correct that you have oodles of time to yourself now, and you are therefore happy to facilitate him having some too.

But that when you also work FT the housework/downtime needs to be adjusted accordingly.