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Original poster

Husband 'needs more time to himself'

174 replies

florapalum · 25/03/2023 19:20

Hi! I wonder if anyone can advise.
My husband works full time, 9-5.

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5.

I've been a SAHM until now but now exploring possibilities of getting a job, after a long time of not working.

My husband complains that he doesn't get much time to himself as evenings are spent eating dinner and putting toddler to bed.
Weekends are spent taking toddler swimming, going to the shops, the park, doing a few chores, an hour or so here and there where he can go and play his bass guitar which he enjoys, but after all that it's Monday again.

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing? I want it to be fair, but I don't feel like there really is much opportunity to do that in the first few years, especially if you work full time.
Is he being unreasonable, or am I?

Another issue is housework. How much do your SO's with FT jobs actually do?

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes I am at home FT at the moment but this won't be forever. Even less will get done when I'm back working.

What is the balance? How much time to themselves can a parent of a two year old realistically expect to have?

And what kind of housework/work ratios are reasonable? Am i being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs?

What are you experiences/ratios etc? Thank you!

OP posts:
JessesMum777888 · 25/03/2023 19:55

If your child’s at nursery FT you get time to yourself , so yes I can see your husbands point.

cannaecookrisotto · 25/03/2023 19:55

If your DC goes to nursery 9-5 and you're a SAHP, I would be hugely fucked off having to do housework and chores after working all week.

Deadringer · 25/03/2023 19:55

Why can't you do the shopping and chores during the week while your toddler is at nursery so that weekend time is downtime. You could take the lo to the park and swimming by yourself on the Saturday so your dh has that time for himself and you could do stuff as a family on the Sunday.

Botw1 · 25/03/2023 19:55

You have all day 9 to 5 to yourself mon to fri and you grudge you're oh who is working full time and who does is share of childcare looking for a bit of time to himself?

I'd be asking why you're ripping the piss so much?

MathsNervous · 25/03/2023 19:57

sixfoot · 25/03/2023 19:35

In these Circs you need to be doing most of the housework. Is not like your child is at home. Why is DC in nursery FT if you aren’t working?

As a SAHM I was about to ask this too...

Opentooffers · 25/03/2023 19:58

It all sounds fair now with housework given that you are a SAHM without a DC mostly, not many get that.
The tricky bit is when you go back to work. Will your DH find it hard to adapt and step up now he's got used to you doing it?
TBH, it's an odd setup to have your DC in nursery full time when you don't have to. Not everyone enjoys or wants to parent though, so each to their own, shame for the DC though. You could also find a boarding school when they are older, that would give you plenty of time solo time.
Other than that, a choice of 7 evenings per week when the DC is asleep and alternate days looking after her so you both get equal time is the obvious solution.

SweetSakura · 25/03/2023 19:59

Each member of the couple should ideally have a similar amount of leisure time surely?

GoodChat · 25/03/2023 19:59

Lapland123 · 25/03/2023 19:38

Why is your 2 year old in nursery all week when you don’t have a job?

This is making me laugh because on another thread there's a single parent who's been offered a job and can't find childcare and people are telling her she should have basically had childcare organised from a week after conception.

randommusings8 · 25/03/2023 20:00

cannaecookrisotto · 25/03/2023 19:55

If your DC goes to nursery 9-5 and you're a SAHP, I would be hugely fucked off having to do housework and chores after working all week.

my thoughts exactly!!

Unless i've misunderstood, you don't work and child is in nursery 5 days 9-5, seriously what are you doing with your time?!
In your situation you should be doing 100% of the housework etc!

Usually in these type of threads the SAHP has a toddler at home and a couple of older kids who they're taxi ing around the place, so alot more balance is needed, but (unless there's some very unusual circumstances that you haven't mentioned), you've got the life of riley

Snugglemonkey · 25/03/2023 20:04

If you are at home with your child at nursery, I would consider household management your job. I think that you need to be splitting childcare in the evenings and weekends, but that the housework should be done when you have so much time to do it.

Leakingtoilet · 25/03/2023 20:04

GoodChat · 25/03/2023 19:32

To be honest if you're at home the full working week with no children in the house I'd be expecting you to do the bulk of the weekends and evenings/mornings with the child.

He should want to play an active parenting role but he gets no time to himself while you get 40 hours a week.

Totally this. Opposite in my house, I work ft 8-5+ in a stressful job, one DC in reception and partner has been sahp for last 3 years. He's looking for work but yeah...I get little time to myself and starting to feel resentful.

Why is your DC in ft nursery?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 25/03/2023 20:04

Surely you can get all the house work done during the week so the weekend is just swimming and family time? They set aside an afternoon or morning for your husband to have some down time. You can also do a click and collect for your shopping so you aren't wasting time doing that on the weekend, we live in a time when no one with small children needs to drag them and their partner round Tesco.

Leakingtoilet · 25/03/2023 20:07

In terms of housework, he does all cooking and washing up, tidies during week, diy, hoovering and cleaning as he notices it. I do most the laundry and clean bathrooms at the weekend

CeeceeBloomingdale · 25/03/2023 20:08

I've always worked part time since having children. That meant I was the main child care giver, cook, cleaner etc. I did (and still do) 95% of the housework as I'm grateful my DH is working FT to support this lifestyle. I do still work 20 hrs a week and didn't use childcare, so had no time to.kyself until the youngest started school nursery. As a SAHP with no child in the day there is no excuse for not doing the chores while you have time to yourself, prepping dinner etc so weekends and evenings are for family time or time to yourselves. You DH has a very valid point.

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 25/03/2023 20:08

Wow! You're at home all day with no kids? To be honest in your shoes I would WANT to be doing everything to enable the partner with the FT job to have time at the weekend to spend some quality time with their family and have some time to be on their own to do a hobby or simply rest. You have potentially 40 hours a week which you could take some of to do the same yourself. I have no idea why your LO is in childcare for that length of time when you're at home, that must also be costing an arm and a leg. That seems absolutely bonkers too, I mean why did you bother becoming a SAHM, why didn't you just carry on working to maintain your career if you are fortunately enough to be able to afford childcare?

RememberNancyDrew · 25/03/2023 20:08

You get 9-5 Monday - Friday to yourself, so your DH should get Saturday-Sunday 9-5 to himself.

Once you start work, this will need to be changed.
Maybe he gets Saturday 7:00-2:00 to himself and you get Sunday to yourself, 7:00-2:00.

This is only temporary - the child gets older and things change.
What you are doing now isn't remotely fair to your DH.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 25/03/2023 20:09

If you get every day to yourself while the kids are put in nursery and husband is at work, I'd be wanting time to myself aswell.

samantha0709 · 25/03/2023 20:10

I think it's important both parents get time to themselves. I know I have to have some space away from my immediate family regularly. Not including going to work. I like being alone in the house and I like going out. We don't do everything together at weekends, sometimes H takes DC swimming and lunch and I'll have 3 hours 'off' or I'll take DC out to friends and he'll have most of the day to himself. It's not quite equal, he always gets a bit more chill time, but it's hard to find a balance.

Some people need to be by themselves regularly to stay sane / happy.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 25/03/2023 20:11

I don’t think this can be real. Why would anyone put their 2 year old in nursery full time if they’re not working? You need to be doing all the housework and making sure he gets some alone time at the weekends as well.

Mirabai · 25/03/2023 20:12

The problem with the SAHM doing everything when the bloke is at work - while perfectly equitable - is that some blokes think that life will continue like that once the woman goes back to work and they don’t get into a routine of childcare from birth. Then it’s difficult to change.

Not all blokes do this of course, but you don’t necessarily know which will kick up a fuss.

Mariposista · 25/03/2023 20:14

FGS get a job!

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 25/03/2023 20:14

I also know people choose not to work and whatever but I really don't get why you don't actually have your child with you (for at least a few days) if you're not working at all. You have plenty of time to do the housework etc.

Leakingtoilet · 25/03/2023 20:15

Mirabai · 25/03/2023 20:12

The problem with the SAHM doing everything when the bloke is at work - while perfectly equitable - is that some blokes think that life will continue like that once the woman goes back to work and they don’t get into a routine of childcare from birth. Then it’s difficult to change.

Not all blokes do this of course, but you don’t necessarily know which will kick up a fuss.

Yeah but she's not really a SAHM...the child is in full time nursery.

I'm starting to agree with pp, this has to be a wind up

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/03/2023 20:15

Well right now as you aren’t working and your toddler is in FT nursery, that is a great deal of time to yourself so yes if I was your DH I would expect you to 95% of the housework and 80% of the childcare.

Once you are back at work you divide it pro rata. Make him aware of this and plan to divvy up jobs. Once you are both working with a toddler there won’t be much time out, but right now there can be.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 25/03/2023 20:16

Stay at home mum/parent normally means you're staying at home and parenting.

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