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Original poster

Husband 'needs more time to himself'

174 replies

florapalum · 25/03/2023 19:20

Hi! I wonder if anyone can advise.
My husband works full time, 9-5.

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5.

I've been a SAHM until now but now exploring possibilities of getting a job, after a long time of not working.

My husband complains that he doesn't get much time to himself as evenings are spent eating dinner and putting toddler to bed.
Weekends are spent taking toddler swimming, going to the shops, the park, doing a few chores, an hour or so here and there where he can go and play his bass guitar which he enjoys, but after all that it's Monday again.

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing? I want it to be fair, but I don't feel like there really is much opportunity to do that in the first few years, especially if you work full time.
Is he being unreasonable, or am I?

Another issue is housework. How much do your SO's with FT jobs actually do?

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes I am at home FT at the moment but this won't be forever. Even less will get done when I'm back working.

What is the balance? How much time to themselves can a parent of a two year old realistically expect to have?

And what kind of housework/work ratios are reasonable? Am i being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs?

What are you experiences/ratios etc? Thank you!

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 25/03/2023 21:01

florapalum · 25/03/2023 20:55

Omg.
He only just started nursery, and I'll be getting a job shortly. All of you with your classic mumsnet outrage, all furious that I haven't got a job the second my child enters childcare.
I do housework all day tbh. I still struggle to keep on top of it.
All your vitriol is ludicrous.

if your child is in nursery 9-5 and appreciating this is a new thing, what sort of state is your home on that you cannot keep on top of it?! Realistically an hour or two of housework and then hours free for yourself surely
if you’re both working FT then I’d expect you both have a fair amount of down time and split chores but a lot of the time this doesn’t happen …
if your DH is bringing this up then it’s an issue - it sounds like he’s pulling his weight at home and work whilst you’re a SAHM with a child in nursery FT

wishingitwasfriday · 25/03/2023 21:01

How on earth do you struggle to keep on top of housework if your child is in nursery all day?

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 25/03/2023 21:02

You get 40 hours a week to do what you want though. You can fit in housework and still be able to do what you fancy.

Your husband gets 0 hours because whenever he's home, he's looking after his child or helping around the house (which to a point, yes he should do that), but he should also get a day or at least a few hours to chill out.

It shouldn't matter if your son has only just been put in childcare or whether he's been there for months. While you haven't got the job, you do the home jobs. When you decide to get a job then maybe it should be split more evenly.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 25/03/2023 21:03

So you get 40 hours a week to yourself and he gets none? I’d be pissed off in his shoes!

custardbear · 25/03/2023 21:04

What works for us has been that I tend to exercise mornings, so DH does mornings with kids. Night time I cook and he does baths or home work, and he goes for his exercise then and I'll put to bed.

It's literally sharing spare time effectively when you're both home. When only 1 is home it's childcare

Good luck. Be flexible though towards each other to get the best out of the life as is at the moment

SweetSakura · 25/03/2023 21:04

I'm struggling to comprehend how you can need that long to do housework

arethereanyleftatall · 25/03/2023 21:04

I think we'll need more info op as it's fairly unusual to struggle with housework when you have 40 hours a week to do it in normal circumstances.

As to your question 'who gets time to themselves with toddlers?' . You do, 40 hours of it. Your husband gets 0.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 25/03/2023 21:05

florapalum · 25/03/2023 20:55

You clean 40 hours a week and struggle to keep on top of it?! Where the hell do you live, Buckingham palace?! Come on! 🙄🫤

Wowwe · 25/03/2023 21:09

This has got to be a joke .... surely?!

L3ThirtySeven · 25/03/2023 21:10

I can understand struggling to stay on top of housework when there are young DC around that can create mess faster than you can clean. But not when those DC are in FT 9-5 nursery five days a week. The house would stay clean and how much mess can a tired child do in the two hours between coming home and bed? There’d have to be an unusually high, OCD level of cleaning anxiety in force for this to be true.

Applesarenice · 25/03/2023 21:10

When you have a job then yes split it 5050 and work in time for each of you to have alone time, but for now I’d expect you to do all housework and let him have a break

60smusic · 25/03/2023 21:11

Yeah sorry, you need to be doing the bulk of everything. You can adjust accordingly when you get work outside.

I've been a sahm over 20 years, my youngest is disabled, I've raised 5 kids in total. It's about organisation, if you do all the house stuff during the week, it frees up weekends.

Your dh could do bed times at the weekend and maybe every 2nd/3rd night. After working a full day and travel, it can be tiring.

I don't think I've ever spent a full day cleaning every day and I'm quite particular.

As I said when you get work outside, you can then arrange household stuff between you. Your dh I'm sure will agree with this as he sounds like he's doing loads now. He might be wondering what you're doing now, hence asking for some time for himself.

Goldbar · 25/03/2023 21:13

Far be it from me to criticise the arrangements which you feel work well for your family, but most couples would consider it fair to aim for equal free time. Given that you have plenty of child-free time during the week, it only evens things up a little bit for your husband to have some child-free time at the weekend.

And I know you say that the time during the week is not free time but is taken up with housework, but really no one needs to spend all day, everyday doing household chores. You won't have time when you go to back to work. With this in mind, it might be a good idea to prioritise a bit more and make some actual free time for you during the week. And then accept your husband doing the same at weekends. Everyone needs a chance to recharge.

Theos · 25/03/2023 21:14

You do FUCK ALL all day

IWineAndDontDine · 25/03/2023 21:14

If you are at home with DC then housework should be split more fairly imo. My job is keeping the kiddos entertained and taking them out to socialise/run errands etc and if I have time to squeeze in housework I of course will.

However, everyone jumped on you because in your OP, you said your 2 year old was in nursery 40 hours per week, you expected the housework to be split more evenly, and you couldn't understand why your husband would have time to himself despite you having many many hours. You can't be surprised about that surely?

WorkCleanRepeat · 25/03/2023 21:15

Whilst you're off work with no child at home 9-5 I would expect that you take care of the housework.

If your child was at home or you were working too I would expect roughly 50/50.

Re "Me time" my husband and I have a shared calendar. Whoever books the slot first gets it and the other does childcare. He goes to the gym a few evenings a week, and I might meet a friend for a walk. Regularly on a Saturday one of us will do something with friends. Works for us. Still plenty of family time.

Howtolikeit · 25/03/2023 21:15

Hmm… at the moment - since your toddler is in nursery full time and you’re not working - you’re the one who should do all the house stuff. Obviously if you get a job, then it’s 50/50. You’ve definitely got the more relaxing end of the deal right now. I can see why your husband is jealous.

Can you give him some time on the weekend that’s just his? Say, Saturdays you take the toddler swimming and to the park and on Sundays you do it together.

Although this arrangement can change and you start working. DH takes the toddler on Sundays so you can have a lie in, and you do Saturdays.

amoobaa · 25/03/2023 21:26

@florapalum You’ve been doing a really tough job up until now. It’s hard work being a SAHM.

Now that your child is in nursery and you are wanting to return to work, there will be a huge shift in your routine and roles.

If you intend to work full time like your husband, then the childcare and housework should be split evenly.

But at the moment (whilst you are not working) it would be reasonable for you to be doing a lot more than your husband, because you are getting a lot of time to yourself and he is not.

The key thing is how you and your husband communicate and support each other. Are you on the same page? Is he supportive of you returning to work?

Once you start working full time, the amount of input you ought to expect from him should become very clear to you… because it should be equal to your own input. Like I said, that will be quite a big shift for everyone involved so you need to sit down and discuss this openly with your husband. You need to have each other’s backs and make a plan you are both happy with.

alwaysmovingforwards · 25/03/2023 21:26

florapalum · 25/03/2023 20:55

Lol you live in a mansion?

minidancer · 25/03/2023 21:29

You get 40 hours a week free time. No way does cleaning and cooking take up that amount of time, you have one child 🤦🏼‍♀️ no wonder your husband gets pissed off. I feel annoyed for him. He should get at least half the weekend to himself and half spent with his family. I'd also be giving him time when he finishes work during the week. Really he should get 40 hours if he helps with cleaning and cooking but I doubt that's even possible. Id feel really resentful if I was him.

HamBone · 25/03/2023 21:29

When he says “time to himself,” does he mean time to do hobbies/veg out, or time to do things on his own? Some people, myself included, need time on their own, but it doesn’t mean that they’re not doing anything constructive, IYSWIM. If he’s an introvert, he might just appreciate some time alone in the house.

You get that time when your DC is at nursery. Does he get any time like that?

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 25/03/2023 21:30

I would be very unhappy with the unfairness of this situation if I was your husband.

piedbeauty · 25/03/2023 21:32

Oh dear, @pompei8309

Consider? how do you live if you’re both unemployed

@kfiend meant that she and her h work. They see it as time to themselves.

Sunnydays0101 · 25/03/2023 21:32

Take turns taking your DS swimming at the weekends so one parent can have a few hours to themselves. Since you’re home alone during the day all week, have the shopping and errands done so no need to do those at the weekend.

When you’re working full time or have a job offer, you can revisit the situation.

Hotpinkangel19 · 25/03/2023 21:33

YABU. He needs a break.

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