Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband 'needs more time to himself'

174 replies

florapalum · 25/03/2023 19:20

Hi! I wonder if anyone can advise.
My husband works full time, 9-5.

Our two year old goes to nursery full time now, 9-5.

I've been a SAHM until now but now exploring possibilities of getting a job, after a long time of not working.

My husband complains that he doesn't get much time to himself as evenings are spent eating dinner and putting toddler to bed.
Weekends are spent taking toddler swimming, going to the shops, the park, doing a few chores, an hour or so here and there where he can go and play his bass guitar which he enjoys, but after all that it's Monday again.

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing? I want it to be fair, but I don't feel like there really is much opportunity to do that in the first few years, especially if you work full time.
Is he being unreasonable, or am I?

Another issue is housework. How much do your SO's with FT jobs actually do?

He loads and unloads the dishwasher sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner. Sometimes puts a laundry load on.
That's it. I understand there's no time, but is that fair? I clean everything, put all clothes away, sort beds, floors, dusting, etc.

Yes I am at home FT at the moment but this won't be forever. Even less will get done when I'm back working.

What is the balance? How much time to themselves can a parent of a two year old realistically expect to have?

And what kind of housework/work ratios are reasonable? Am i being selfish to kind of resent him complaining he has no time to himself?
Am I being selfish thinking it would be nice if he was more proactive in doing more involved house jobs?

What are you experiences/ratios etc? Thank you!

OP posts:
Upsywavy · 25/03/2023 21:34

Now DC is in nursery and as you aren't back at work yet I'd expect you to do most of the housework to be fair, but for this to be split evenly once you return to work (or proportionately if part time)- worth discussing now so expectations can be set. As you get every week day to yourself then absolutely it's fair he gets time at the weekend, although when you're back at work you should work weekends so you both get time to yourself.

Daisydu · 25/03/2023 21:34

Lapland123 · 25/03/2023 19:38

Why is your 2 year old in nursery all week when you don’t have a job?

Yeah I’m wondering the same, I know it’s good for toddlers to go to nursery a bit at that age for social reasons but full time… 9-5 is a lot for a 2 year old when it isn’t actually necessary.

piedbeauty · 25/03/2023 21:34

And op, how can you do housework every day? What are you struggling to get on top of?! Surely an hour a day would take care of it?

piedbeauty · 25/03/2023 21:36

And - is your ds funded for FT nursery? He's there for 40 hours a week - why, if you don't work? Or is this so he's there and used to it when you get a job?

DartholomewSpaceInvader · 25/03/2023 21:41

There was a thread in the last day or two where the poster had just got a job but couldn't find childcare and people were demanding to know why she hasn't planned ahead! Now there's this thread where you have planned ahead for this this very thing OP and people want to know why your child is in nursery if you're at home. 🤣

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 25/03/2023 21:43

DartholomewSpaceInvader · 25/03/2023 21:41

There was a thread in the last day or two where the poster had just got a job but couldn't find childcare and people were demanding to know why she hasn't planned ahead! Now there's this thread where you have planned ahead for this this very thing OP and people want to know why your child is in nursery if you're at home. 🤣

I think if she actually decides to go and get a job then great, the childcare is worth it. But the point of her thread seems to be that she doesn't understand why her husband wants some time to himself when she gets 40 hours a week.

DartholomewSpaceInvader · 25/03/2023 21:46

@ComeTheFuckOnBridgett

Pp's have already said anything I might have thought about that so I didn't bother.

MrsKeats · 25/03/2023 21:50

This can't be real.
How can anyone put a small child in nursery all week to sit at home?
Bonkers.

BeckyBeehive · 25/03/2023 21:51

It's really sad that your husband doesn't enjoy time with his child. My husband used to love family time when ours were small (we're grandparents now), but in the 90s "ME time" wasn't really a thing. But on the basis that most MN posters live by the "tit for tat" rule, then yes I suppose he should just completely opt out of parenthood as you have free time in the day.

I do wonder if these parents who see any family time as a huge chore should really have had children.

ChrisPPancake · 25/03/2023 21:51

There's no way you do housework 9-5 5 days a week Confused
Can dh drop a day at work? Or compress hours? Get a job 4 days a week each (diff days off), then you can both have a day for yourselves and weekends as a family.
But atm while you're not working then ywbu to expect him to do anywhere near as much round the house as you.

MrsKeats · 25/03/2023 21:52

But the op doesn't spend much time with their child as they are in full time nursery becky
Double standards.

FlyingWormsAndSubterraneanBirds · 25/03/2023 21:55

How can you be doing housework all day? Confused Do you live in a stately home?

Obviously when you get a full time job you should split chores but at the moment I don't understand what you're doing with your time or why he should be doing housework and cooking when you're not doing childcare during the day or contributing financially.

platanenweg · 25/03/2023 21:56

Perhaps you have a large property and grounds and it needs 40 hours of cleaning and maintenance per week?

BeckyBeehive · 25/03/2023 22:01

MrsKeats · 25/03/2023 21:52

But the op doesn't spend much time with their child as they are in full time nursery becky
Double standards.

So the solution is competitive "How little time can I spend with my DC?" How sad.

I went back to work when my eldest was 6 months old. I considered time at work as a rest!

jemimapuddlepluck · 25/03/2023 22:03

I would definitely find some time for him to carve out for himself. You get 9-5 EVERY weekday to yourself. Its important to have that time to unwind. Can you take over activities on a saturday? So he can chill then have sunday together? I find i need some time to decompress after a working week. DH does to so we have one day a weekend each give or take unless we have plans.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 25/03/2023 22:18

florapalum · 25/03/2023 20:55

Omg.
He only just started nursery, and I'll be getting a job shortly. All of you with your classic mumsnet outrage, all furious that I haven't got a job the second my child enters childcare.
I do housework all day tbh. I still struggle to keep on top of it.
All your vitriol is ludicrous.

You’re home 9-5 all week on your own. There’s not a chance that with three people in the home it takes you all day five days a week to keep on top of it. Given the amount of time you have to yourself, then you’re entirely unreasonable not to allow your partner some alone time.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 25/03/2023 22:19

Dont be ridiculous, if you have no child at home and until you start working (can take a while) you need to do most of the house chores and split child related stuff 50/50.

Get into Flylady, not sure how you can spend 37 hours a week cleaning the house. You need to organise yourself and your house better.

Zanatdy · 25/03/2023 22:21

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2023 20:57

How can you do housework all day, without a child at home, and still be struggling with it?

Must be a mansion!

Surely you don’t put a child in full time childcare before you’ve even started looking for the job. Bizarre. Anyway 99% of people will think you’re wrong but you’ll just think we are all crazy and ignore.

BeckyBeehive · 25/03/2023 22:21

jemimapuddlepluck · 25/03/2023 22:03

I would definitely find some time for him to carve out for himself. You get 9-5 EVERY weekday to yourself. Its important to have that time to unwind. Can you take over activities on a saturday? So he can chill then have sunday together? I find i need some time to decompress after a working week. DH does to so we have one day a weekend each give or take unless we have plans.

So you have no family time?

SkyandSurf · 25/03/2023 22:23

There's something amiss with the housework if it's taking all day, five days a week and there are more chores to do on the weekend.

If you are a SAHP with a child in full time childcare then I would expect you to do all the cleaning and cooking tbh.

Once you're working then you would look at reallocating free time, childcare and chores with the aim of making it even and something everyone can live happily with.

If it honestly takes you all day to clean, with respect, it's not an area of strength for you. If I was you I would work more hours and hire a cleaner with the money, it will be a lot more efficient for you and free up your weekends for family time.

Rewis · 25/03/2023 22:24

How do you have 'time to yourself' when you have a two year old? Is this even a thing?
yes you can still have time to yourself. Life with one child and 2 adults can't be work, child, housework and nothing else.

Silvers11 · 25/03/2023 22:26

I do housework all day tbh. I still struggle to keep on top of it.

@florapalum - I'm not having a go at you, but if you are spending 40 hours per week doing housework and are still struggling to keep on top of it, perhaps you are doing far too much every single week? What is your definition of 'housework'. Are you trying to do a thorough spring clean of every room every day? Do you have OCD and keep having to redo things? I genuinely don't understand how you can spend 40 hours per week, every week, doing housework as that really isn't most people's experience tbh. Maybe give us a run down of what you are doing every day and we might be able to make suggestions

You should have time to do the shopping during the week, which leaves you both with a bit more time at the weekends? and do you both need to take your 2 year old swimming at the weekend. You could take it week about and as others have said you could both have a free morning or afternoon at the weekends while the other does the childcare

I really think you need to try and see how you can organise things in a better way before you start looking for a job, because otherwise you'll end up having a nervous breakdown. You CANNOT do a full or part time job while you are also feeling that you have to spend 40 hours a week doing housework? In the meantime, while you are a SAHM, your OH is right to feel a bit aggrieved and you should be doing most of what needs to be done in the house/with your two year old. Once you start work it should be 50/50 and you will need to discuss that with him - but please, just now, have a rethink about how much you are doing that doesn't need to be done nearly as frequently as you say you are doing

butterfliedtwo · 25/03/2023 22:38

I'd be so resentful in your husband's shoes. YABU to not see that he needs time to himself too. You have loads of it.

MrsKeats · 25/03/2023 22:38

I agree it's sad. And expensive. How much is full time nursery these days?
The whole set up is bizarre.

CJsGoldfish · 25/03/2023 22:39

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting time to yourself when you have children if it's what you want. YOU have plenty but begrudge your DH any. You're not doing housework all day every day. lol
Why not suggest he takes up something one night a week? No reason you can't do the same when you go back to work if you'd like to. 🤷‍♀️