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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

229 replies

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 24/03/2023 11:02

Dump him and find someone with less drams. Or be on your own for a bit. This situation is an absolute joke.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 24/03/2023 11:02

Walk away, you've been trying to make this relationship work for 7 years and it isn't. Give yourself the chance to find a relationship that will work.

itsallgonepetetongagain · 24/03/2023 11:02

Walk away. Definitely don't have a baby with him

Northernsoullover · 24/03/2023 11:03

Drama*

WandaWonder · 24/03/2023 11:03

Is this one of those reverse not real things?

If you are genuine - for the love of all things sane do not stay with him nor have endless children with him I am sure there is enough women put there to fall for him again you don't need to add to that

overthehillswegoo · 24/03/2023 11:04

On and off for 7 years is just painful, baby or no baby.
Only advice I have, and I assume everyone else will have, is walk away

Fuckstix · 24/03/2023 11:04

Walk away. This is a total bin fire. Do not get pregnant with this man.

CherryCokeFanatic · 24/03/2023 11:04

Find someone new without this baggage! And very likely he will end up at some point having a relationship with you both, saying what you both want to hear, sleeping with you both etc

Yesthatismychildsigh · 24/03/2023 11:04

Wooohooo! You got the prize! This Prince amongst men, what a lucky girl you are. 🙄

DoristheDuchess · 24/03/2023 11:05

Walk away. It hasn't worked in 7 years of trying and it's not going to work now there's the additional stress.

Be kind to yourself and get yourself out of future heart ache. He won't want to as he'll want the best of both worlds, but that's the worst of both worlds for you.

Better to rip the bandaid off now.

Coxspurplepippin · 24/03/2023 11:06

Way too much drama which will only get worse when the baby arrives. Cut him loose and perhaps just be on your own for a while.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 24/03/2023 11:07

Hills that way >>>
I know a woman who met a man who's ex was pregnant.. She gave up her plans to have a dc and instead helps him raise his. All very admirable of her. But not my idea of a great life.
Is it your plan for a great life op?
If he won't show you messages he isn't being honest. Imo he wants you close by to attend to his needs. When she is heavily pregnant she won't be so keen to put out....

mummymeister · 24/03/2023 11:08

are you prepared to waste another 7 years., if it wasnt working after 7 years why should it work after another few? this is just way too complicated to ever end well for you. he has made it clear. you are second best. a baby will tie him into the other woman for years and years. this just isnt ever going to end for you. so you have to make it end.

RobertsRadio · 24/03/2023 11:09

7 years on and off and it's still not working. What are you doing wasting your time and youth on this man? This relationship is doomed to fail.

Please just dump him, block his number and concentrate on yourself until you feel ready to get out there again.

Anotheanon · 24/03/2023 11:09

You cut ties in September because of a medical issue that meant you couldn’t be together but all of a sudden it’s fixed in November? Something very odd about this tale. All sounds like far too much drama. You should walk away.

Newusername21 · 24/03/2023 11:09

More red flags than a communist committee meeting.

Bless you - but - The hills are this way >>>> RUN

wizzler · 24/03/2023 11:10

If it has t worked so far it isn't going to work when he has a child with someone else. Honestly you will be happier without him

WeightoftheWorld · 24/03/2023 11:10

Is this real? If so, end it straight away and cut all contact. You don't need any of that drama.

BigCheeseSandwich · 24/03/2023 11:11

For the love of god are you serious? Walk away! Run, in fact.

Dragonwagon · 24/03/2023 11:11

If it was going to work out well it would have by now, I agree relationships take work but 7 years being on and off and now having this intertwined drama and the resultant arguments and upset is just not worth it. Cut ties so you can actually move on and you'll meet someone where this isn't an issue.

ChocSaltyBalls · 24/03/2023 11:11

Find your self respect and walk away from this loser.

YellowMay · 24/03/2023 11:12

This sounds seriously messy and he sounds like an irresponsible, selfish, immature drip.

No way would I wait around playing ‘pick me’ while he bounces between another woman and his baby and me.

Time to face reality and work on your self respect. This guy is a complete time waster. Be glad you’re not the one having a kid with him!

Redebs · 24/03/2023 11:13

Sounds like he's trying to be a good father to the baby.
Better for you to end it with him now. Seven years on and off isn't a hopeful prospect.

QuimIsASwearWord · 24/03/2023 11:14

He shouldn't be with either of you. None of you can trust him not to be back and forth all the time. You and his other girlfriend want to get rid of him for good.

I'm guessing the medical reason was yours? Or he wouldn't have been with in an relationship with someone else if it was him?? I can't think if a medical reason why he can't be with you but not someone else so it sounds like he dumped you when you when there was a medical issue and came running back when there wasn't? When he was with her was he messaging you inappropriate stuff? Planning to be with you? If the answer was yes then he's totally doing it to you too. Was the medical issue linked you not being able to have sex by any chance?

You deserve better! So does the other woman and so does his baby.

Slimjimtobe · 24/03/2023 11:20

Life could be so much better for you !!!!

free yourself from him and things will be clearer